09 February 2007

10 reasons to be single..or not?

This is long, but I'll be back next week!! Enjoy.

A fellow blogger had
a fabulously insightful post this week about this very question that appeared in an article called "Are you Better Off Single" at the MSN's Dating and Singles site.

I have to quote the magnum cum laudey daudey expert on-site psychologist, Dr. Badoozer, "It should really read, 'Are You Better Off Where You Are'?"

There are really pros and cons to being single/married. What the author assumes is that marriage is a dull road and singles have it all and without kids. So, in all ridiculousness, I'm rebutting this for singles and marrieds everywhere.

Reason #1: You have a better body.

“Singles look at themselves through the eyes of others and want to be attractive to potential partners,” says Susan Davis, Ph.D., a clinical psychologist in New York City.

Since it's well-documented only single people exercise, eat well and can build muscle, I should just give up now. Well-groomed married folks with chiseled bodies are so 1950s. It's also wonderful to know Susan Davis, PhD, a clinical psychologist in New York City, predestined me to throw out my treadmill, embrace my cellulite and scarf all the ice cream a girl can eat. Why resist?

Reason #2: You’re more likely to achieve great things.

"Researchers theorize that men, in general, may show off their talents to win the interest of women and then, once they’ve won a wife, get comfortable and do less. In fact, studies have shown that testosterone levels, which boost action, decrease after a man gets married and has children."

Back up the Ghandimobile, let's theorize because solid statistics are so, indisputable. I theorize that researchers don't know squat and make up, like 68.347 percent of their statistics on the spot.

Who doesn't show their best side to someone new and as for testosterone levels? They do subside in a married man. The thought of paying for one more child's upbringing and education slowly degrades the male body to complete sterilization over the years. It's natural selection. Pure science, baby. But show me a man or woman who is a great parent and you will have shown me a person who has done the greatest thing possible, raise a life. Oprah agrees with me, too, so it must be true.

Reason #3: You do less housework.

I can't argue. I have four kids. I'm doing my fifth load of laundry today and have picked up more legos than toddlers running around in a Chuck E. Cheese on free token night. But if I have the flu, Mr. Coffee dons his manly kitchen apron and does dishes for me. YEAAAAH??? So who's your housekeeper now, MSN SingleBob DatingPants?!

Reason #4: You can do what you want with your money—including keep it.

"According to researchers at Ohio State University’s Center for Human Resource Research, during a divorce, men and women generally lose three-fourths of their personal net worth. Double ouch."

Someone at Ohio State is not doing their homework. I've sat in enough Math classes to know that if they both lose 3/4 then I should forget my relationship status and marry a divorce lawyer. He's raking in the bucks. Sure I'm broke, but when I'm touring in my Winnebago with my blue hair and a wrinkled Mr. Coffee at my side, darn-straight I'll be sporting this bumper sticker, "SPENDING MY CHILDREN'S INHERITANCE". I might even buy a Lady of Guadalupe Costco casket, cause you can't take it with you. Besides, the blue will match my hair.

Reason #5: You have better sex.

Sadly, if you only knew how wrong the Author is here. I have part rabbit DNA and I can only speak from my own experience. Practice makes perfect and if you are sharing yourself with someone you trust, love, adore and are spending your entire life with, the marrieds win this hands down. I will give props to Jeff Foxworthy though, who is absolutely quotable:

So there I was, tied up to 'er bed.
Motor oil smeared all over my body.
She walks in carrying a saddle and a set of jumper cables......

As opposed to the married guys story of...

The other night, Marge was vacuuming in her good robe.
She bent down to get under the couch and
I thought, "Heck, I can watch Bonanza anytime!"

Reason #6: You’re better rested and smarter.

It's true. Spouses snore, kids need you. Sleep becomes a commodity. As for who is smarter, I would say either/or, that's the stupidest comment I've ever heard. Have you ever watched Elimidate? The Bachelor? Married couples Survivor? You could take coma-inducing amounts of Lunesta and still not induce enough sleep to grow them grey matter.

Reason #7: You’re less depressed.

I don't know what cereal box the author is reading from but the National Institute of Mental Health (NIMH) disagrees as do many others.

Reason #8: You have better friendships.

To be married doesn't mean my spouse is my life. He doesn't complete it, he compliments it. As for my friends, I spend less time in person, but I'm still blogging and on the phone with them while folding laundry (see Reason #3). Makes me appreciate the time we do spend together.

Reason #9: Your travel tales are enviable.

Yes, it's true. I couldn't backpack Europe with four kids. I can't take a year off work to sail around the world. I'll give them that one. Try doing a Walmart run with four kids, a household with diarrhea, and no toilet paper, then I'll give you adventure.

Reason #10: You know yourself—and what you want out of a relationship.

“But maturity brings so much, because if you’re able to communicate who you are and what you want, the better your chances of having a successful marriage.” And that’s a wonderful message: Your single self is great... and should you find the right person and decide to marry, you’re more likely to thrive in that stage of your life, too.

This lady is sniffing the condo paint. Who says someone single needs another person to live a fulfilling life? It should be about where you are happy, without society telling you what is best for you (including condo-paint-sniffing writers for MSN).

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