18 August 2007

Double Your Drive Thru and Double Your Fun

Our drive thru at McDonalds has new fancy double lanes and I'm not the only one who thinks this is a crazy maker. In fact, this blogger has inspired me to post my own drive thru story after I nearly wrote a post in her comments.

I have so much fun in drive-thrus. I like to order things "To Go" and make cross-chain references.

"I'll have a Whopper McJunior, some chicken poppers, and small-medium orange coke. That's to go here."

Why not, they put us through these brilliant double rage drive thru lanes. Whoever decided this was a good idea should have the fleas from 1000 camels lodge in their armpits. Double lanes are breeding ground for stabbing people and are so entirely annoying it makes me want to pour coffee into someone's crotch.... anyone's crotch, to make them go away.

In the summer, the kids and I go for dollar cones or sundaes. I also like their iced coffees unless I set down the coffee on the floor of my van and drive off, forgetting that it's there. I was grumbling to myself that I should have ordered a smaller coffee, one that fit in my van's shot glass-sized cup holder. There I was, driving down the road, driving, driving....I get to red light and whoooosh. I have a lake in my shoes. There was the front foot area, full of milk and iced coffee. I knew darn well that I would be smelling that wonderful aroma emanating from the flooring for weeks. I despise these itty bitty cup holders.

Anyway, the other day, I drove up in one lane of the double drive thru and the guy says to me in his best Spanglish, "No habla Espanol?" which for an employee of McDonald's that can mean several things,

"Do you want fries with that"
"My pants are chafing me bad"
"Do you want the lifeguard with your 96 oz. iced coffee"
"These uniforms really suck"
"That'll be $58.49 for five freaking meals, have a nice day"

It's all interchangeable.

I smile, curse the day I decided to pass up Spanish lessons, and try to move forward, but no I can't. There are too many people squishing in over in the next lane. I'm yelling, "GO LADY, GO!", practically ready for my clothes to go out of style before she decides to move closer than a parking lot's length from the car in front of her.

I eventually hand over the money. I pull forward to the second window and ~shocker~ Not my order. I apparently paid for the moron behind me that thinks that revv-ing his engine over and over will make me go faster (or perhaps the bad lifters in his Back To The Future era pickup will CLICKITY CLACK me to death). I fork over another four bucks while the woman smiles and nods, handing me my ice cream cones. I knew the guy in the first window undercharged me, but he said it was right in his very broken English. Don't get me wrong, I don't mind immigrants from anywhere working legally in the US. You just don't see me getting a job as a Russian or Chinese Interpreter, having not learned either languages. Customer service in the US doesn't start with a smile, it starts with both parties speaking the same language.

Of course, I could have asked him how he felt about fingers in chili, or scalding coffee poured in his crotch (to relieve his chafing), 0r perhaps inquire on how he truly felt about the double drive thru. He wouldn't have known what I was talking about but if I spoke Spanish? I would have discovered he probably hated it as much as his uniform.

Quizá apenas un poco.


The Lazy Iguana said...

It is time I share a man secret with you. Keep in mind I can be kicked out of the man union for divulging this top secret info. But I know chicks have the cure for baldness hidden in the womens rest room - so you can secretly forward that to me so I can make a zillion bucks selling a hair system that works.

Anyway, here is the secret. Crotch the drink. Really. Crotch it. Set the drink on the drivers seat, between your legs. I would not recommend doing this with a hot drink. It works great. With practice, you can learn how to apply just enough leg pressure to keep the cup in place while you jam on the brakes because some idiot did something stupid and your airbag is about to deploy as a result.

Last time I was at a McDonalds, I confused them. I was there for breakfast because I was up all night. I wanted a coffee, but not a piping hot coffee. So I said "Can you put TWO OR THREE ice cubes in the coffee"? Simple request. Take the cup, put two or three ice cubes in it, pour the hot coffee in. Coffee melts ice, cooling it down to the point where I can drink it without having to hold the cup in the path of the AC so that it does not remove a layer of cells from my mouth.

Apparently this was too much for them to handle. It was confusing. But why don't you want to scald your mouth with our burnt coffee? We can not only put in 3 ice cubes, you either get 0 or 50. There is no button on the register for three cubes.

So I got it hot. And had to hold the cup by the AC vent and turn the AC on maximum so the cold air was blowing on the surface of the coffee. And I had to balance the cup there, using my hand as a gimble mount drink holder so I did not spill any while driving in stop and go traffic for 10 minutes while the molten lava like coffee cooled enough to be drinkable.

Why must life be so complicated?

The Lazy Iguana said...

Oh yea, and they did not put the half and half and sugar in the coffee like they claimed they would. I had to do this myself. While driving. In Miami traffic. I swear I thought about pulling a "fire in the hole" stunt.

Henny Penny said...

I am glad that I live in the mountains of nowhere. We might see something like this in the next fifty years.

r said...

Those poor people working those maniac drive thrus! That is so utterly annoying!

I think it is going to shut down because Doozie will most likely slice every manager's airway and they will soon get the picture.

I spilled coffee in my car too and it stunk for an eternity. I eventually cleaned it up better and it doesn't stink anymore. Thought you wanted to know that.

Sherhazade said...

My kids like to ambush the guy at the window by serenading him with the McDonald's "I'm Lovin' It" song. The first time they did this, I had no idea it was coming. Funny. And it shows how effective their advertisements are.

McBunni said...

The entrie post and Lazy's comments made me roar! I'm just sitting here thinking about Grand Malfunction's McLand double drive thrus.

Sheesh. Gimmie a break, people!

~Jennifer said...

I've never seen a double lane drive thru before. I guess I don't get out much. I can't wait till I encounter one.

Oh, and cupholders? Mine holds all kinds of sizes, but it's only like 1/8 of an inch deep so every time I turn a corner my drink goes flying across the van. I am now conditioned to reach for my drink (whether there is one in the cup holder or not) whenever I turn.

Dapoppins said...

I thought that was special old coffee air freshner.

cathouse teri said...

Omigod! Iggy! You canNOT ask the McDonald's people to do anything at all that is not normally done!

Once, I was there with a friend and she ordered chicken mcnuggest for her kids. She didn't like giving the kids sauces because (well you guess why) so when they asked what sauce she wanted, she said, "I don't want any." This totally confused them. The girl stared at her and said, "What do you mean?" My friend repeated herself. The girl said, "Um... I don't know if we can do that..." Then she called the manager over and asked if she could give her chicken mcnuggets with no sauce.

Ya know, we can't make this shit up.

ancient one said...

This was one funny post and the comments are even funnier! Thanks!!

Jacquie said...

I have been through one of those double drive thru's. It was several years ago and I can't remember where.

You think that's awkward, try going to Mickey D's in Ireland. Since you drive on right side of the car, everything is backwards. Just picture it. I tried to take a picture. I don't know what I did with it.

wolfbaby said...

ughhh i had an idiot last time the girl kept saying well i don't have your order here. im like ok take it then she says but it's not showing up where over and over and over and over again. Im like what do you want me to do get out of the car come into the store and type it in for you? so i finlly get disgusted tell her to give me my money back and drive off. Then i send my nicie girl in and she gets the order. the girl form drive through says why did you do that we could have fixed it?

hello when all you kept sayin was i don't have your order? idiots.

now for the non speaking english drive through people... i hate managers for doign that how the heck are they supposed to take my order and get it right when they can't undersand me and i can't understand them? anymore i just drive off and don't even try

creative-type dad said...

I always love to make up stuff those McD's workers are saying.

One gave me advice on a 529 and she didn't even know it.

Charlyn said...

Whenever I need a laugh I just come to your site. You crack me up so bad!! You should do stand up comedy!!

But seriously - double lanes??!!

McDonalds food is sooo gross. But I, like you, partake in the dollar cones and the iced coffee - yum, love the iced coffee - and it's only 3 points on Weight Watchers!! LOL!!

Double lanes at McDonalds. What is this world coming to?

Sassy! said...

seriously emma, you are seriously funny! seriously!

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