24 October 2007

Clarity

I appreciate my bloggy peops but I have to clarify on my last few posts, because I'm getting so much hate mail I'm going to impale myself on a kitchen spatula.

How many people skim my posts? Raise your hand, you know you do it. Okay, important points for me to make because I have my pride.

1) I am not looking to replace my husband. I don't flirt online because it's disrespectful to Mr Coffee. I would broil Mr Coffee's head if he was flirting online.

2) I will not be broiling Mr Coffee's head.
It's a joke. It's satire. It's funny. Just like ramming people in the carpool lane.

Road Rage Ramming=Funny.
Head Broiling=Funny.
Ranting Posts=Not So Funny.
Running Out Of Coffee=Pure Evil.

3) I do not hate men because I have said it's work to communicate with Mr. Coffee. Marriage is work. Anyone who disagrees is single or divorced.

4) I talk about money openly. It's a weird thing for people to hear it because it's such a taboo subject. Our family pays taxes, has bills, and wants a good financial future. I know it's a hard concept to grasp since I know I'm alone in this.

Meh. Don't you wish? But you can't take it with you and it doesn't keep you warm at night unless you have a whole bunch piled around you and it's on fire.

5) I am not going to be living on blocks of government cheese and living in a van down by the river. I am a stubborn woman, and by Grabthar's Hammer, I can and will make it on my own, thankyouverymuch.

6) If I had credit card debit then I would be living in a van down by the river and eating bricks of government cheese.

7) I have a ginormous food bill. This is life when you have four growing kids and one income. Groceries happen, and since I know my biology and digestive system, so does the other thing.

8) I did not pay Mr. BOB Jiffy Lube $80 for just oil. I paid $80 for fuel filter, oil filter, synthetic oil (two head gaskets replaced on a v6 that is 11 years old will make you do this, too). Then there is this state's sodding sales tax. This is not a lot of money for what I had done. It's just a lot of money when you could instead spend it on things like red bull and duct tape.

9) I am in no way slamming divorced peops. It does take two to tango. It only takes one falling down to make the dance end.

10) I am so glad you are still with me, despite my inherent need to number everything and explain myself into your good graces.

In other news....

Today in Target, my 4 year old daughter decided to full-on run our cart down the crowded main isle.

She became possessed and pulled her own private Ben Hur Chariot Race, clearing people like bowling pins. She was completely unable to see where she was going. I was there yelling behind her, "RED LIGHT!! RED LIGHT!!" as I do when I want her to stop.

It was completely in vain as she barreled blindly toward the cash registers, her little arms barely able to reach the cart handle. Most people laughed and some people gave me the evil eye. It was still funny.

~Bee has always wanted to cart race

22 comments:

Anonymous said...

See, I have to fall in love with you now because you mentioned Grabthar's Hammer. <3<3<3<3

Ian

Anonymous said...

Oooo...I was almost first!

......and no I'm not a skimmer. If I don't finish reading a post, I always come back and finish it later. :)

Anonymous said...

someone needs to check into the clinic to get cured off the wild turkey.......can I get you anything? some eggnog? drive you to the middle of nowhere and leave you for dead?

Anonymous said...

I, for one, do not skim...yer just that good, sister.

and by the way? Galaxy Quest is one of my all time favorite movies...I think I need to rent it sometime soon.

Anonymous said...

i'm glad you clarified 1 & 3....for a while there i thought you were switchin teams....

oh, and doozie,...don't mess with the mack-daddy!

Anonymous said...

I got mah eye on ya....

Anonymous said...

Not a skimmerrrrrrrrrrr!!

Good grief, what made that list necessary? Did I miss some pointed remarks in your direction?

Anonymous said...

This made me laugh. And I mean Laugh hard!

Anonymous said...

about switching teams???

Anonymous said...

Nothing that funny ever happens at the Target I go to.

If I ever have a kid, I will keep it on a leash. And a choker collar thing. They will only try to run one time. The leash will reach its end - and SNAP! No more running. Worked great for the last dog I had.

I have a feeling that I will not get along very well with child protective services.

Anonymous said...

Kids.








:|

Anonymous said...

Just letting you know, I'm usually a lurker, never a skimmer : ) Love your posts and your humor. I'm glad the floor didn't swallow you up...wouldn't have been nearly as fun without you around!

Anonymous said...

I try to read every word. However, once someone exceeds 500 words I start to get light-headed and then I tend to think about what I'm going to eat for supper and how nice it is outside. So there's that.

Anonymous said...

red light! red light! hee hee!

Anonymous said...

Ill teach my kids to do fun things like "mow the lawn" and "mop the floor" and "clean the toilet". Child labor is OK as long as they are your kids.

Right?

Anonymous said...

Right. It's official. I'm completely and totally smitten with you now and you've been inducted onto my bloglines list.

I think it was the numbering of points that tipped the scales. I love that.

Anonymous said...

Oh...the kid with a cart scene...
At our local Vitamin Cottage they have little kid sized carts, it's still not much better than them pushing a full-sized one. However, I think it might be different if it wasn't my son driving one...

Anonymous said...

please don't be mad at me....

Anonymous said...

I didn't get much of what you were saying, 'cause it was like yada, yada, coffee, yada, yada, government cheese, yada, Moses at Target. And I just can't be expected to get into all that. I mean, you're here, then you're there. Who can follow that? Huh?

Anonymous said...

r,
Not mad here, I'm not mad at all!! I've never had any sort of passive aggressive tendencies in my life. I'm exactly what you read. I promise..cause I loves you anyway....

Anonymous said...

I still think deep-frying is the only way to go when cooking a whole husband head.

Anonymous said...

Oh, and I skimmed once and got caught and haven't done it again.

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"One ought, every day at least, to hear a little song, read a good poem, see a fine picture, and if it were possible, to speak a few reasonable words."

~Johann Wolfgang von Goethe