30 November 2007

Chalk Up My Clandestinity to OCD and Insanity

Did you think I could stay away from Blogging?

No way, Jose.

Blogging is the best way to meet great people. Nevermind that it's also the equivalent of internet crack. I kid you not.

There are several reasons, non-nefarious as far as you know, for the change of urls but I'll give you something that will satisfy your curiosity. Some events may be completely fictitious, or not:

  • My four year old deleted my profile and ate my homework after my grandma died while I was sick with the 8 hour flu.
  • I went to live with a pack of wild wolves and got too cold after a day. Plus wolves don't have Starbucks drive-thrus. Beastly Savages.
  • I dance to the beat of my own drum which is really my keyboard and I just hit too many buttons.
  • I have stalkers that are family that ask me why I sometimes use the word 'dammit' because it is a very bad word. "Do you kiss Mr. Coffee with that mouth?" Why, YES, I do, dammit!
  • I'm passionate about certain ideals, structure, and order (says the woman who must have symmetry in the egg carton before it's returned to the fridge...). When I feel a bit stomped on and I'm fairly easy going, dammit...then I run faster than Forrest Gump in front of a truck fender.
  • My rubber chickens sales were booming.
  • There was a tiny misunderstanding over a restraining order. What? There is nothing wrong with saying "I wanna MARRY you!" to a few bloggers. It's a metaphor, like the name "Mr Coffee"...do you really think I'm happily married to a coffee maker? That would be no. Anyway, it wouldn't be legal but regardless, they were all dropped charges. It's perfectly normal to have a Blogger Shrine in my living room. What's normal anyway? Which reminds me, the new candles smell obscenely yummy.
  • My boss was on to me. Who cares that I blog at work for hours on end? Oh, wait, I work at home.
  • I wanted narcissistically to be number #1 and I'm too gray matter challenged to figure out how to edit a post.
  • I offended people with my acerbic wit and needed to go into the Witness Protection Program until unders were unwadded and the death threats subsided.
  • I sold my old profile URL for Hannah Montana tickets.
  • I offended a friend. We simply called each other on the phone and later met for coffee and mud wrestling for resolution. Okay, just kidding. I usually get my coffee in the drive-thru.
  • I am a crackhead that just made this up in my head and no matter what the voices tell me, people really aren't out to get me.
  • My Christmas music made me go completely insane causing some undesirable side-effects. By the way, anyone need 200 Beanie Babies I recently bought on eBay?
  • I work for the CIA and it's kinda slow catching perps and terrorists and all. I was bored between watching "24" and "Full House" reruns on cable.

...as far as you know.

~Bee says never trust what an addict says.


Anonymous said...

Right. I haven't laughed that hard in so frickin' brackin' long (don't tell my mum I fake cursed, okay?).

Anonymous said...

I think its great that you are number one, but I think there should be a hair group...you would totally rule it.

Anonymous said...

One must have symmetry in their egg carton, otherwise, when you pick it up you are likely to make scrambled eggs on the floor.

Oh, wait...you were kidding? Uh, yeah me too. I just throw those suckers in, don't care where they land....

Anonymous said...

I almost went insane listening to Christmas music one time. I had a job doing airport security. The same 5 Christmas songs were piped into the terminal airport wide. No matter where I went, it was the same 5 songs ALLLLLL DDDAAAAYYYY LLLLOOOOONNNNGGGGGG. 8 hours. Actually closer to 9 hours because if I was not 1/2 hour early the bastards would say I was "late" and then there was the 1/2 hour lunch I was not paid for. So that is another whole hour right there.

I was not having a holly jolly time.

Anonymous said...

i really really only read you in the hopes that some day you'll say the word "shit" or even.... you know.... f something something something.

oh who am i kidding. you crack me the f up. i mean : you crack me the heck up.

Anonymous said...

Look, if you didn't want me on your friends list, there were easier ways to handle it! Fisticuffs, perhaps? Or a dueling glove across the face. Or even just a "you smell bad and have cooties!" I would have gotten the hint.

Anonymous said...

Thirty-somethings only?

All the big corporations buy up the Hannah Montana tickets, you know.

Full House? Say you're kidding. I couldn't watch it the first time!

Anonymous said...

I wanna play!

Anonymous said...

I wonder what your family would say if they heard me talk! LOL

Anonymous said...

someday ... when I choose to have a birthday past 27... I'll have to take you up on that.

Anonymous said...

I'm 29 for six more months! :D

Anonymous said...

you are a funny chick! seriously...a funny, funny chick!
i think i'm going to have to see if you'll be friends with me...
ok, off to click the friends button on your profile page, now! please say yes! please...:)

Anonymous said...

Oh, I'm gonna have to go check it out. I've been out of the blogger loop lately!

So, uh, hi! How've you been?

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"One ought, every day at least, to hear a little song, read a good poem, see a fine picture, and if it were possible, to speak a few reasonable words."

~Johann Wolfgang von Goethe