31 December 2007

Beatrice's New Years Party

For those of you who have not read of Beatrice, she is my evil twin, with hair just as nice. Her exploits are legendary having once lived as a secret agent and can sniper fleas off a camel. She is fluent in 9 different languages, can find anyone in the world, and continues to live life on the edge of her secret agent glory days. Her biography is eerily similar to mine. Although, as far as you know, we really are two different people.

Her adventures are mind-blowing and unequaled.

Beatrice glanced in the oven at the mini quiche that were browning to perfection in neat little rows. She could probably see more through the tiny glass window had it not been covered by Mrs. Paul's Fish Stick grease. The black flecks on the glass obscured her view, otherwise known as remnants of that little fire from Christmas dinner last year.

"Must get some oven degreaser", she made a mental note and added out loud, in German no less, "...and need to look into a new recipe for Oven Chicken Flambe ."

Her company would be here soon and she wanted the smell to hit them at the door. Not the usual smell of gym shoes or sweaty boys who need a bath. Not even the rotten liquid broccoli she had extracted from the fridge this morning that would not release it's odoriferous clutches from her nostrils.

She hoped for a tantalizing cheese and veggie quiche aroma emanating from her government-funded, bakes-in-2 minutes, experimental oven. This time, she went wild almost like that time she took out four ninjas in one dramatic roundhouse kick. She waived away the margarine and grabbed real butter. She passed up the organic brown eggs and went for the bleachy white, 1.39 a dozen AA eggs. This was life on the edge.

Would she go all the way? Oh, yes. She was having a throw down with her pantry that could have easily strike fear into Martha Stewart.

Beatrice added extra gluten. She lived and cooked on the edge, flirting with the bad boy of all things foodie, standing on the precipice of taste. bud. overload. Beatrice arose  from the cloud of smoke pouring from the kitchen like a victorious beast. Actually, it was more like a yeast filled donut but with too many yeast packets.

Armed with Betty Crocker cookbook in one hand and a Pamper Chef Ultimate Mandolin Slicer Dicer in the other, her heart couldn't help but relish every gluten-filled minute of it.

Beatrice wielded her Cracker and Canned Cheese Platter that always seemed to win over the masses. Usually this was reserved for her family and occasionally around her husband, Mr. Toffee who admittedly would rather just have Beatrice's signature pot roast with lots of soft baby carrots, and red potatoes.

NOOOO, this New Years she went all out. Beatrice was using the china given to her by a very much alive Queen Elizabeth. A special thanks to Beatrice for saving her life, not once, but twice. The Cheese Platter must come, too.

The bare bones of the matter was that Secret Agent Beatrice's stint as a bodyguard-gone-undercover gourmet chef during Operation Cheesy Chef gave her amazing skills even the pickiest eaters might enjoy, that is...if they weren't so picky. It was only after her assignment in France protecting State Secret Ingredients of Government Cheese that she could make something so good and tasty. So tasty, you could almost eat it.

The timer let out a buzz, startling Beatrice who was deep in thought over the time she shopped for bombs in Paris. How much simpler life was then? Beatrice turned off the buzzer and nearly dropped her new Bialetti espresso maker. Not a drop was spilled, ready for creamer to be added. Creamer was best from Discount Price Hut Warehouse in the 40 gallon drum but that was top secret even under pain of waterboarding.

This year she skipped that sale on Salisbury Steak Hungry Man dinner appetizers. She even passed the frozen isle with the mini quiche and mini hot dog pups. She set down the box of wine and made mental notes....

Vanilla Hazelnut Mint Gingerbread Eggnog Creamer ...check.
Cracker and Canned Cheese Platter ....check.
Hot government cheese fondue on the stove ...check.
Pillsbury Dough Bread bowls scooped ...check.
Quiche baked ...check.
Box of Walmart wine chilled ...check.
Diet Cherry Coke Plus (Vitamins and Minerals) on ice ...check.
Ensure Drink, in cans also on ice ...check.
Little Smokies in BBQ sauce on toothpicks ...check.
Pork Rinds ...check
Flaming Hot Sour Cream BBQ Diet Pringles ...check
Venison Slim Jims, all in bowls ...check.

Timing could not have been more perfect unless someone brought the flu plague.

Swallowing her daily and much needed Super Fiber Blaster capsules with a swig of jet black coffee, Beatrice reminded herself to not eat so much cheese this time. She also reminded herself about her wonderful year. Who wouldn't proclaim her turkey at Thanksgiving had been a hit? It always turned out like the cover of a Good Housekeeping, except with less half the grease coating. Oh, and it was deelish.

Her mind wandered as she absent-mindedly flexed her toned biceps while stirring her favorite side dish. "Peas, Jello, and Cool Whip Salad go with everything, " she chided herself with a smile.

The door bell rang.

Beatrice smoothed out her vintage apron that wasn't really vintage but made in a third world country to look almost vintage. She quickly checked the hall mirror to see if her recently low-lighted hair wasn't fading. Her new red up do' gave the illusion of a competent cook. Yet, she hoped it portrayed the young, stylish, sensible, drop-dead-sexy woman with the best looking hair ever.

She smiled as she reached for the front door handle and opened it. A smile emerged from her perfectly whitened teeth. New Years Party was on. It was so on.

PS. Happy New Year ALL!! Be safe, DON'T DRINK AND DRIVE or I will scissor kick your head.


Anonymous said...

So funny! What an amazing woman, she even can make her posts time travel since it's not even December 31st yet, brilliant!

Anonymous said...

How funny! I have a friend like that. Only her name is Averyanna. And she's retarded.

Have a super-dee-duper New Year, my friend!

Anonymous said...

I have so missed your writting... I'm sorry to have been absent so long. things have been a little crazy at my place. thank you for the much needed laugh and hope you have a wonderful new year

Anonymous said...

No hungry man dinners? Wow, hubby would leave but I would stay!

Have a wonderful New Year!!

Anonymous said...

Ooo, little smokies with BBQ sauce! Yum!

Anonymous said...

Happy New Year!

Anonymous said...

yup, I'm totally down with the lil smokies

Anonymous said...

Hot government cheese fondue on the stove ... will Matt Foley be in later?

Amen on not drinking and driving. Hope you're having a fun day. :)

Anonymous said...

I need some high level super template mastery assistance. Details are in today's post.

You also get to vote.

All kinds of fun stuff is going on.

Anonymous said...

You are hilarious, girl!

happy New Year...

Anonymous said...

Are you sure you didn't pick this up at Powell's?

Happy New Year n' stuff


Anonymous said...

I tagged you for Avery's meme. I just have to see your responses, my coffee drinking Queen.

Anonymous said...

we all need the clowns to make us smile

Anonymous said...

With style and panache like that I can't figure out why Beatrice doesn't have her own TV show or something. :-)

Anonymous said...


Thanks for the good wishes. I always worry that the new year is going to stress me out.

Your story sucked me in when you started talking about Mrs. Paul's Breaded Fish Sticks. I don't know what a quiche is but it doesn't sound good. I'm with Mr. Toffee with the Roast Beast and Potatoes.

I hope you are able to keep your hair hot while taking care of 4-children and a husband. I challenge you to take care of them better in 2008 than you did in 2007. I want you to be Domestic Engineer of the Year for 08.

Happy New Year.

Anonymous said...

Beatrice sounds like one hell of a sassy-pants. And that's a compliment in my neck of the woods!!!

Anonymous said...

i think i heart beatrice. that was fantastic.

and i'm with jennifer. i would so watch emmaline tv. and i don't even watch much tv. ha HA!

Anonymous said...

Beatrice TV sounds interesting.

I haven't had wine in a box in ten years. I think I am going to make myself a G&T.

You have a GREAT New Year! I know you will.

Anonymous said...

I disagree. Beatrice would not be startled by a buzzer on a stove, good lord the woman practically re-invented james bond.

I love gluten, I don't know what it is but I love it.

Anonymous said...

Nothing stinkier than liquified broccoli. I shudder just thinking on it.

Vintage apron??? (Note: extra question marks because I know how you like that.) Somehow, I had an image of Beatrice cooking in a belted black trench coat with the collar turned up. No?

Anonymous said...

I think Beatrice should do a guest post on the Simple Gourmet blog and give us all the quiche recipe. Mine involves shopping at Costco...

Anonymous said...

WOW, I am so almost impressed. Beatrice is truly a classy lady. I on the other hand just bring out a box of Ritz crackers, the canned cheese, sit them on the counter and walk off as the buzzards come clamoring for who is getting what kind of cheese. I don't need an apron I just whip my hands on my vintage jeans and smile as another new year brings new and exciting frozen entrees into my freezer. Awe, life in this millennium is truly an awesome opportunity!
Happy-healthy-safe new year y’all

Anonymous said...

happy new year Beatrice. hope your little 'do' went well. in Melbourne, we had one of the hottest new years eve on record...didn't get below 30 degrees Celsius all night, (I've no idea what that is in F, but it was a flippin hot night...a good beer drinkin night) we sat outside all night and no mozzies!!

what are little smokies in BBQ sauce???....it sounds like a special flavoured crack-pipe, used by one to see in the new year...something doozie would put on the table at her new years eve party.

Anonymous said...

Great writing Jenn. I love good fiction. OR IS IT?

Post a Comment

"One ought, every day at least, to hear a little song, read a good poem, see a fine picture, and if it were possible, to speak a few reasonable words."

~Johann Wolfgang von Goethe