13 May 2008

My Sixth Sense Says You Are Moded

I woke up feeling better this morning ~coffee now!~ and reflected on yesterday ~crabby mccrabby pants~. After I posted, I took some quiet time ~biblioholic~. But no matter how much quiet time rejuvenates the soul ~blogging crack~, there is nothing akin to being completely validated ~narcissistic~ when all others think you are certifiable ~PET team~.

"Hon, I'm telling you. That car out there is stolen ~ugly piece of crap~. It's been here nearly two months. The radio is ripped out ~stolen~. The glove compartment is WIDE open ~stolen~. There is mail all over the back seat ~stolen~. I'd bet my life on it..."

Mr Coffee knows me well enough ~E.S.P.~. I get these weird hunches that somehow pan out ~Liberace is gay~.

He sounded surprised ~a man~, "The radio is gone? Like ripped-out gone?"

Mr Coffee agreed as he grabbed his cell phone ~mine's better~ and called the apartment office, "Hi! It's Mr Coffee. Can you run a plate match on a vehicle ~piece of scrap~ and see if it belongs to someone here in the complex?" He read off the plate and description ~do it~.

He smiled at me ~you wanna?~ while she had him on hold on the phone. She clattered on her keyboard ~wants to birth his babies~. No matches ~over my dead body~.

I rolled my eyes so hard they nearly fell out ~as if~. The office somehow jumps to attention when HE talks to them ~EF Hutton~, whereas I am quickly dismissed ~white noise~ like some retard busybody ~neighbor from hell~.

Don't get me wrong, they are really nice women in the office ~condescending~. They are MORE than helpful ~dismissive~ but I've worked in property management~smarter~. I'm also a conscientious, quiet tenant that pays rent ~will own your job~ . The thing is, they get paid to act on property issues ~lazy~.

I don't ~unemployed mother and college student~.

I know what you are thinking ~nuh-huh~. You think I'm one of those neighbors ~busybody~. Well, yes and no ~yes~. I would be more like the neighbor ~killing machine~ that uses the guise of PTA meetings ~flippy mom hair~, baked cookies ~bribes~ for the local kids, and a 1996 minivan ~piece of crap~ as a facade for her secret agent job ~scissor kicking heads~.

I notice people ~unwadding~. I remember things ~nekkid parents, age 7~. Last week I informed the office that a lady was rummaging through the recycle bins ~arsewipe~. Sure enough, she was stealing for ID theft ~jail bait~.

The office recommended ~pushed off~ that Mr Coffee call the police ~Superman~. Dispatch said an officer would be out and suddenly, the manager shows up ~saving face~, "I know who owns that car.."

I knew she wasn't being honest ~pants on fire~. Not deliberately spiteful or rude but because she was escorting a woman ~big cheese~ around the property (little did I know, from the mortgage company). My 5 year old ~blabber bob~ was excited and blurted the news to the manager and mortgage lady. It was a very awkward moment ~insert crickets~ and the manager ignored me ~saving face~ and whisked the mortgage lady away ~dollar signs~.

The police did show up. The car was stolen over a month ago ~told you so~.

And the manager? She's avoiding me today ~got crow?~ because just as my eight year-old self ~blabber bob~ loved to proclaim, "She is totally moded!"

I'd be embarrassed, too with two months of egg on my face. ~totally moded~

~Bee loves parking validation ~not crazy but close~

Humor-Blogs.com give me linky love, so humor me
(pun intended)
and go by and check them out.


Millie said...


You are very conscientious. I wouldn't notice things like a car sitting there for a month with its radio gone and glovebox open. Guess I'm just self-absorbed.

My MIL is the ultimate pain-in-the-butt apartment dweller - the kind that's embarrassing to have as a parent. "Oh no, she's one of THOSE..."

Foo said...


Oh and thanks for the subliminal punctuation marks ~wish I'd thought of it~. Now to think up a good use (besides quoting French stuff) for angle quotes («»).

I just think they look cool.

Dapoppins said...

I will never doubt you. I know better.

Kimberly Vanderhorst said...

Good on ya!

Whistle Britches said...

I saw that same plotline on an episode of "I Love Lucy".

Jaina said...

Good job Bee!! I think you should be a detective! And I loved the mental interjections throughout, they were great! :)

Suzy-Q said...

I have a blabber bob daughter too. They must get it from me cause i am a blabber bob too.

Hey I like saying blabber bob!

Suzy-Q said...

PS Mom's know what is goin' on!!

Jo Beaufoix said...

Yay, you were right and narky manager woman was wrong, ha. And I love the little interjections, Hee hee.

Anonymous said...

you are a good neighbour to have...keepin an eye on things and all.

when wife and i were dating (we call it 'goin together') we swapped cars one day, and i took hers to work and parked in the company car park. it was such a shit heap, - that my boss at the time thought it had been stolen and abandoned.

when he found out i was driving it, the ironic thing was that he was the one who was embarassed!

Mary Alice said...

I hate that. I call housing - nothing happens. Husband calls, the office girls fall all over themselves to do for him what they ignored me on. I hate them. Women are the real chauvinists.

Momo Fali said...

You clearly need to go into subliminal advertising.

Unknown said...

Thanks for the comment!!! By the way, I L-O-V-E Natasha Wescoat. I foudn this lady, www.lauranugent.com at an art in the park last week.... I love her, too.

holly said...

what does "totally moded" mean?

my face hurts from this post. stop hurting my face, bee! you already made me laugh at momo-fali's!

okay now i'm going to sleep-laugh. laugh-sleep? something that involves sleeping and laughing. unlike a rob schneider movie which only involves sleeping.

Meg said...

"I told you so." The four most beautiful words ever!

... Paige said...

And we all say in unison...
Told you so

R said...

That was a fine piece of writing, friend. Highly enjoyable.

Blank said...

Cool. Are you the new Joyce Carol Oates? I'm thinking!

Doozie said...

ok, er yeah....score 9,999 for van driving clandestine mom.

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