05 May 2008

Where Is My Lighter

Nothing is funnier than dollar store crap.

I use the word "crap" sparingly so it is only perfect to reserve it for instances such as this. I don't know how I convolute myself into thinking the place is one stop shopping. Sure, the dollar store is good for yarn or Dutch Cleanser. Who doesn't like a good deal?

But there are some things that aren't a good deal. There are some things that shouldn't even be given away with a buy one, get one free coupon.

Toys.
They last about a penny a minute. Enough said.

Food.
How gross does food have to be to be exclusively sold at the dollar store? The soup cans come in four languages. That's all I'll say about that.

Makeup.
If you were that unusual shade of 'toasted sienna', I don't think you could find a nicer selection of orange foundation.

Incense.
You see, when you purchase some incense, you would believe "Pumpkin Spice" would do the job. There is nothing that smells better than a pumpkin pie. It smells yummy. It wafts up your nostrils and says, "Hey, I'm pumpkin pie. Don't I smell good? I smell better than that dollar store poopy air freshener.

You throw some cinnamon in, or perhaps an appley-rhubarb smell would also work. But NOooooooo. Dollar store crap lives up to it's reputation.

Pumpkin Spice = Baked Hotdogs and Ham.

Not the Honey Baked Bundle of Goodness You Get From Your Accountant At Christmas Ham. This is like overcooked Oscar Meyer lunch meat. I figure the dollar store just needs an interpretation on the label on how it will smell.

Tropical Paradise=Old Spice and Canned Coconut Shoe Deodorizer
Musky Woods=Pleather Naugahyde and Patchouli
Ocean Breezes=Comet Cleanser and Blue Gatorade
Citrus Delight=Watermelon Scratch N Sniff stickers, Jean Nate', and Tang
Sporty Girl=Cotton Towels and Chantilly
At this point? It's better than taking the time to bake a ham.

~Bee sure does smell terrific

21 comments:

Anonymous said...

it's mothers day here this sunday,....the kids and i will be making our annual trip to the local dollar shop to show our appreciation.

(tropical paradise sounds good, a nice contrast to 'pine forest' which she got last year)

Doozie said...

someone is on crack.....above me here.

Yes, my lifelong motto "always smell it first"
Of course there are people who think some things smell good that I think smell like butt crack and sour milk. (gotta love those kids coming up with lines for our blog fodder)

Kimberly Vanderhorst said...

I'm too busy laughing to comment properly!

Jaina said...

Ewwwww. Yeah, dollar stores serve their purpose, but there are definitely some things you just should not even look at there.

holly said...

a penny a minute on the toy? surely that's only because there was a lot of time spent in the bag on the way home...

Whistle Britches said...

My youngest daughter won't let me say the "C" word.
But she will let me buy it for her.

Gen said...

Scratching dollar store incense off my shopping list...

Jo Beaufoix said...

Hee hee, I bet your house smells goooood.

R said...

That was funny.

I have bought make-up at the dollar store only because it was the kind I buy, they must have over stocked at the pharmacy? I haven't seen it again....

Food? Only stuff that is familiar if I am desperate and don't want to make that extra stop to the grocery.

incense? I would never buy that there! It is probably made out of comet!

The dollar store is good for drinking glasses, I say. That's about it.

david mcmahon said...

Prices in Australian novelty ``two-dollar stores'' can go as high as three figures!

dawn224 said...

I bought ho-ho's at our dollar store ... I figure those things would survive a war so they shouldn't kill me. no candles though - and I have the same pink eye thought every.time.

Anonymous said...

Beef,

The day I step foot in a dollar store is the day I use soap to wash my butt.

Gone Back South said...

Hello! I was sent here by David Macmahon. In the UK we have Pound Shops. The kids have no idea that it's not a regular shop, except it's the only place where I say "Pick one thing you like ... go on ... ANYTHING!"

Bee said...

gonebacksouth,
NO kidding, you can go hog wild for 10£ :)

irishkrok,
As opposed to soap to wash your mouth out? I saw what you wrote at Doozies, and she's not the only one with a rusty shiv. I'd sleep with an eye open, I'm just saying.

dawn224,
haha, you are right. By the way, you know Little Debbie is the devil in a blue dress don't you?

david,
the first time I went into a dollar store I asked the lady how much something was. She looked at me like I was an idiot. (..and really? if the shoe fits..)

r,
they do have a good cleaning stuff too. I buy the girls lip gloss too.

jo,
should I be sending you and Hols some baked ham incense?

groovy mom,
no kidding.

uncle joe,
it took me a minute and I was thinking, "whhhhaaaaaaa?...oh." I hope you don't say the "c" word. ~snicker~

Bee said...

hollydolly,
they sell things that are perfect for flinging, you know?

jaina,
Hominy in a can. This cannot be good.

kimberlyloverly,
there is no laughing here at this blog.

dooz,
I think he's got a trigger finger.

ponder,
pine forest? is that like car air freshener pine scent? cause that makes me want to run through the woods and do some tree hugging.

Anonymous said...

I'm so glad we don't live too close to a Dollar Tree. The toys suck and totally suck my kids in. Grrrrrr...

Bee said...

sam,
seriously though, where can you go and tell your kids to go hog wild? ("Three things each?!!!")

Blank said...

I use the word "crap" liberally. Does that make you love me less?

Good description of those weird smells.

Bee said...

scarlet,
I say crap far more often than I write it. Somehow kids magically change your vocabulary. What single adult ever has to "go potty".

Anonymous said...

Yo mama,

Happy Muddas Day.

Step-off Sweet Thang.

Jeff and Charli Lee said...

Hey my friend... I hope you had a fabulous Mother's Day!

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