25 July 2008

Bee Is Not Shticky Or Boring

Welcome to The Hour Of Confession. It's been never since I openly confessed on my blog and really, it's only God who cares or matters. He is awesome like that, so it's all good.

I was reading at a new blog because that is what you do when you only have a third of the readers you once had on a now defunct blog shut down by comment terrorism and meddling mouth breathers. I'm attempting to discover other bloggers that have my same sense of demented dry humor. Why is a sense of humor so important? Because if you haven't noticed, I have a fondness for laughing and can make light of most anything remotely worth making light of, to the point of, snorting my coffee, but notwithstanding hereto, what for, and all of the above.


Why a sense of humor? Again you ask. Have you been eating too many Splenda packets and did you run out of Olde Gold 800 again?

If you want serious, political, religious, or simply something to get depressed about, turn on your local news. I am the water to their vinegar and sweetness to their sour. I am the balm of life and love and they are pretty much the bringers of mood death to all good people everywhere. I am the fresh picked rose, full of fragrance and color while they are the heaping mound of horse doody at the front of a parade route. They are the pay toilets in the hospital's diarrhea ward and I am their coinage and squeezable Charmin. I could go on..... In my defense, I admittedly do not have Anchorwoman Helmet Hair and cheeseball smile so I am forced by default. Instead, I have long, flowing auburn hair, if you must know. Very un-anchorwomanly. More Panteney or Nexxussey.

BUT I bet you a dead dude in a body bag, the local news could never assist you so readily in passing that stubborn kidney stone during a fit of laughter.

~Takes a bow~

Today I will open up and and show you a more personal side to my silliness. I'll still be showing you silliness, of course, but I prefer the more intellectually silly that understandably means I am a brilliant wit. Or is that twit? I forget.

Enough with the allegory, I will share with you a few things in life that I simply cannot do without. Laughter, coffee, and blogging are obviously at the top of this list albeit, I shall not be listing those for sake of all that is unknown and brilliantly witty.

Things I absolutely cannot live without:

1) Coffee Cups
I've been labeled a coffee cup whore by a close friend. My issue is if I cannot procure a clean cup for my daily cups of joe AND with the proper grip around the mug with my fingers laced in the handle? You might as well load me up with an arsenic cocktail because life is not worth living. My problem is I can't seem to own enough coffee cups. This is only a third of the collection. The bright side to having lots of coffee cups around is that I can keep my children from chugging their chocolate milk from my good wine glasses. Click image to see it fully.

For you coffee cup lovers, SarahGrace can
be found here.

2)Tweezers
On a daily basis, I remove a small toupee from my adam's apple to reveal what was once my smooth, bare neck. I kid you not and adding insult to injury one has now gone gray. In the light it appears to blink like a strobe light or some dive bar sign that says, "Ladies Bee Night". Of course, it blinks, "Ladies Bee Night" because the "R" in Beer is burnt out. I'm going to be calling Guinness Book of World Records soon and going down in bookish infamy as the first woman to grow a backwards mullet out my neck. I would also be a close second for caterpillar eyebrow, second only to Mr Bean.

Notice that eyebrow is not plural and why? Tweezers keep me in check. They are my golden ticket to beardlessness. In fact, Mr Coffee and I have an agreement. If I were to go into a coma, he would have someone come in to pluck, tweeze, and/or wax my head region at least once a week. I could care less if I could braid my armpit hair by the time I awoke. I'd really be okay with Cro-Magnon Brow, with the exception that I wasn't also looking like Mr Bean. The shock would probably put me back into another coma.


3)Vitamins
No, not Mommy's Little Helpers. I don't even take IB's unless I am dying. I'm talking about supplements. I'm a busy woman, with blogs to read, soaps to watch, and neighbors to offend. I don't have time to always sit and eat even with my healthy diet. Who eats radishes and raw tomatoes for snacks? Who drinks her glass of kefir everyday with her bran flakes and can digest on command? That would be me. I take my multi-vitamin, vitamin E, B-complex, fish oil, acai/cranberry pills, calcium, and magnesium every day. My skin is always affected by lack of vitamin E and I end up with bowling ball zits that come from deep within my gall bladder. Magnesium is also my savior as one calcium pill will clog me faster than a block of cheese. Perhaps that is TMI? Probably so...

4)Nexxus Heat Protexx
Again, with the hair. Despite the fact that I am going bald and my hair is now growing into a backwards mullet, I have to condition, condition, condition. I have hair to the middle of my back but it takes a lot of work. I squirt some leave-in conditioner into the bottle of Heat Protexx and spray away any time my hair looks frizzed. I don't like my hair up in a clip (Mr Coffee calls this a BCD..Birth Control Device) and my hair is so long that pony tails give me headaches. Thus the need to keep my hair looking nice. On occasion I end up using a flat iron, this spritzing also helps protect. See? Protexx..Protect? Those Nexxus people are so darn clever. I bet they went to college.

5)My Treadmill
It's not technically my treadmill. The machine of torture belongs to the clubhouse at our apartment complex. This is a good thing because if I had it in the apartment it would end up proverbially buried under laundry. I don't typically blog about my weight because it bores the shtick out of ME, let alone you, gentle reader. The treadmill keeps me moving so my neighbors below can unclench their wadded unders when I forego practicing my riverdancing routines in our 2nd story apartment.

Now the question is this: What are the five things you could not live without?

(if you blog this, feel free to drop the link in comments.)

~Bee made up words for this post just for fun

35 comments:

krok23 said...

Beef,

This is tough, 5-things I couldn't live without:

1. Candy Corn
2. Hair gel
3. Master Debater skills
4. Nice clothes
5. My Bike

Secret Agent Mama said...

A list. Who could resist a list? Not me, that's who!

1) My Camera. Oh-dear-Lord-in-Heaven-above, I thank you for the gift of DSLRs. Sure there is economic strife and poverty and yaddayaddayadda, but I don't have TV, so I don't really have to be "in the know". My camera, it's really all I need.

2) My Laptop.
Duh, how else am I going to download the pictures that my seven year old says are just ugly and useless. What does he know, though. It's art, yo!

3) My gun.
Whaaaa? I'm alone a lot. I need protection from all the bad things that I'm ignoring by not having TV. Paranoid disillusionment or something?

4) Music.
If you don't dig tunes, you really suck. That's all. I don't suck. I dig tunes!

5) My Bongo Drums.
If you don't have bongo drums then you don't know the pleasure of smoking a big fat marijuana cigarette while naked, playing the drums for hours on end.

Kimberly said...

I can only think of really obvious things like my computer and my husband. Nowhere near funny enough. Dang.

Oh, and I don't read too many blogs that are pure funniness, but I highly recommend Jason for the love of God! and The Bingham Diaries as being very often laugh out loud inducing.

Kimberly said...

Ooooo...and Navel Gazing at its Finest is a fab funny one.

You know Holly and Jo already, of course.

Erin said...

Gack, you make me laugh till I need to pee (again)! Ahh...

The five I cannot live without:
1) my cell phone...sad, but true. But only for when certain people call or text. I L.O.V.E call display.
2) my bath salts. They make my water turn the nicest shade of blue and my bathroom smell so heavenly that I just want to go pee for the sake of being in there. So thanks for making me laugh that hard : )
3) my flat iron and hairdryer. I'm vain. So vain. I must have nice hair. If it's not nice I can hardly leave my bathroom. Thank goodness for #2.
4) 6 pillows on my bed. I THINK my husband still sleeps in the same bed as me, but I haven't actually seen him in there since about 2003. My youngest daughter is a mystery!
5) Salt. Although since I recently discovered I have a tendency to retain water I've had to all but eliminate it from my diet. And here I just thought I was given an extra dose of fluffiness in the gene pool. Oops, you don't care how I look right? Okay, scratch that. But I am with you on the supplements. I'm always on something to keep me up and running. And blogging. And laughing : ) Okay that was a runaway thought that never actually arrived...sorry.

Have a great weekend!

doozie said...

5 things, by Doozie:

Binaca
Anti-Diarrheal Medication
Itunes
Kokanee
Dirty Shovel

doozie said...

ps

the upside down mullett, neck hair thing is just golden...I tell you GOLDEN

seven said...

This made me laugh so hard. Great idea, and I'll be putting one of my own up someday soon.

Uncle Joe said...

I am a fresh picked nose to your fresh picked rose...
just kidding. sorry.

5 things I couldn't LIVE without.

1) Heart Medication.
2) Batman
3) jazz
4) toothbrush/toothpaste
5) mexican food

Ed (zoesdad) said...

Not sure I can come up with 5 things on the fly--I haven't had nearly enough coffee this morning.

But I do have to agree with you on one point--the 1/2 inch does count!

Aunt Jo said...

1. Batman*
2. Dove cream oil lotion (have you tried it?)
3. Chocolate (dark please!)
4. Music (all kinds)
5. Lip gloss (snoggy colored)

Eve Grey said...

Tweezers are my crack. (as in um, crack cocaine, not as in in...ah forget it!)

Gwynne said...

Hmmm...5 things I cannot live without:

Beads, I don't have to do anything with them, just collect and admire them, but once in awhile I'll make jewelry;

Sugar...yes, I know. Bad for me, but I really can't live without it;

Computers...what did we do before these were available to the masses??

Books...I grew up with a public library nearly in our backyard and this is where I "played." So many books, so little time!

And finally...friends...where would we be without them?!

Ian said...

Hey lookie! I found ya!

Ian

holly said...

your coffee cups are a *lot* like my tea mugs. i like mine to be proper in girth and handle-ability.

oh! i have your starbucks logo twin! we are starbucks mug buddies!

oh! my chin and your neck can be friends!!! i think i love you more. although i didn't think i could.

wait - we're supposed to be taking vitamin e for zits? where the F have i been? brb.....

okay i'm back after having downed the bottle. continuing to read...

and magnesium? wow! brb....

okay i probably should have only taken one of those. brb....

okay my boy has just looked at me for laughing at the 'bet they went to college'. you know, it's not always true that smart people went to college and vice versa. look at dubya! yeah, he went, but did he *go*? no. i'm thinking he skipped a lot. i mean a LOOOT.

okay i'm totally going to probably do this. which is to say, i *want* to, and if my brain plays along, later in the week it will be done. but it won't be as funny as yours. it just simply could not be, bee.

was this comment too long? i should really start a comment blog and just provide a link to the relevant response in this box. then i would be completely stupid.

doozie said...

It'd be nice if you could pull me into town

Momo Fali said...

I suppose we're talking material things and not being nice and saying stuff like "my children".

Let's see...
1. Chocolate
2. My DVR
3. Ibuprofen
4. Aveda Hand Relief
5. My coffee maker

JenLive! said...

I think you are wicked funny! And I'll be your friend! I already play with dappopins, so I must be ok. (At least that's what I keep telling myself). And since you've just mentioned that you need new readers, I thought I'd come out of my feed reader long enough to let you know I'm here, even if you do write about how much weight you've lost.

Hmmm... 5 things...I will think on that as I fall asleep and blog about it tomorrow. Or the next day.

Scarlet W. Blue said...

Good post. That would be my favorite coffee mug, too. I use these small soup bowls. I should post a picture. In fact, I think I'm going to take you up on this blog idea. Were you really making up words?

Stephen said...

Rest assured, you are by no means boring. :)

Dapoppins said...

You mean there were 5 things? I got lost in the cool analogies...I am still laughing at those!

Jo Beaufoix said...

So I am nearly wetting myself here, thanks for that Bee.

Right, erm

1. My PC
2. The nasty tasting stuff that stops me biting my nails (and I don't mean marmite young lady)
3. Chocolate
4. Hair mousse, I have to work for these curls at the moment as I think my hair may be sprouting from your neck. Tsk.
5. Blog buds, some of whom have commented above. ;)

Half-Past Kissin' Time said...

Bee, your blog is one thing I would be sad to do without! Thanks for sharing your wit; I laughed HARD reading this post!

ancient one said...

My Bible
My Computer
My Camera
My Family
My pickles (and I'm not pregnant..ha)

I have an award for you at:

http://everlastingmercy.blogspot.com/2008/07/sharing-love.html

Come see..

Heidi said...

Love your sense of humor. I will be back. I am going to absorb your five & think of my own... in the mean time, if you do check out my site you may want to skip the latest post, my only one filled with self pity, other than that, I am a happy person.. really I am.

Tenakim said...

I don't know how I've not been here before, but you've found another reader with the dry sense of humor- so mission accomplished!

1.) Chocolate
2.) My Swivel Sweeper
3.) My computer
4.) My organizational cubbies
5.) My cell phone

By the way, I'm green with envy at your fab coffee mugs!

sarahgrace said...

Thanks for the props! I'm going to answer in my own post!

JenLive! said...

Hey! I did, indeed post my 5. I linked to you and everything. Now you shall be swarmed be all 4 of my readers. Hope your server can handle it.

david mcmahon said...

The Beatles were right.

Let it Bee, let it Bee.

momto2boys said...

Coffee cups and tweezers...gotta love the tweezers. I just came home from a 5 day conference and thought I'd have to go to my beautician to get rid of 3 long hairs. I'm new to your blog and am enjoying your writing.

R said...

My running shoes

My make-up (is that not sad?)

unmentionables (do people count?)

chocolate (or Nutella, Cadbury Eggs, etc.)

my ipod

sogratefultobemormon.wordpress.com said...

funny.

1) my PDA that has 1, 2, 3, 4, 5 .. everything on it

cute post. greetings from kathleen in anchorage alaska :)

PS. i popped over here from mrs.4444's/half-past's bloggy. she is awesome. howdy doody.

Jaina said...

Great post! Off the top of my head:

1. My friends and family
2. My computer
3. Internet (yes, I'm addicted)
4. Dark chocolate and strawberries
5. Faith/Mass/God (so I combined three into one, but they're interrelated)

Jaina said...

Oh oh oh! Can I take away something and add my camera? But I'm not sure what...can I have six? Pretty please?

Casey said...

Very old post but I've only just read it. Hysterical. Love your writing, as usual!

Casey

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"One ought, every day at least, to hear a little song, read a good poem, see a fine picture, and if it were possible, to speak a few reasonable words."

~Johann Wolfgang von Goethe