06 July 2008

Taking the Poo out of Pool

In other news, I've been living by the pool this summer and it takes me back to a post I did a while back about pool etiquette.

Pool etiquette does not phase me until I have a muffin topped, bikini clad apartment dweller running around with a beer in their hand as they open the locked gate for anyone and everyone.

In light of said horrors, I've taken the liberty of concocting some rules of my own at the pool. Too bad I can't post these on a big sign on the clubhouse.

I've recently read that moderate swimming is as good as walking 4 mph. I know I'm doing something good for the kids, despite the deplorable lack of decorum at the pool stabbing at my mind's eye. It's a universal truth that the bigger the muffin top the smaller the bikini.

Full length mirrors are found at most major retailers, so there should be no excuses. I've never been afraid of swimsuit shopping but there are many a mom who are afraid to swim with their kids.

Who cares what your size is, just keep it covered. If you have to squeeze yourself into a two-piece, this not the suit for you. If it's a muffin shop and not a muffin top, wrong suit! I don't believe you are making a political statement about atomic bomb testing with your mushroom cloud waistband fallout. Please find a suit that fits, perhaps a one piece bathing dress would suit you better.

If you appear as if you are in search of Marti Gras beads when you pull yourself out of the pool, please consider a top that covers more than two round bandaids. Sweet childhood therapy, you might put an eye out. You might put someone else's eye out or worse, solicit the stares of the husbands who sit watching kids. The wives know this and if you continue with your display, they will indeed show you good use of duct tape and the spacious trunk of a mini van.

Many Bothans died to give you this information.

If you wear a bikini because you do have a smoking bod, good for you but keep the goods covered.

If by chance you also are a single mom and flirting with the married men swimming with their children, you will appear desperate and cheap. It's also the fastest way to get hog tied and thrown into the deep end of the pool. I'm all for looking nice at the pool. I really am but for flirts of this kind, I will summons any and all children to scream and cannonball you until you leave.

If you suffer from second degree burns from the day previous, sunscreen will not afford you two more hours in the pool. Why it's hard for people to understand, I don't get it... For instance, you burn out in the sun. Sunscreen will not magically unburn you. Sunscreen is a preventative not a force field.

If you have kids that cannot swim, the chances are slim that your toddler will be able to swim when their little inner tube pops or water wings suddenly deflate. If you would not consider leaving your home for the evening with an inner tube babysitting your children, then the pool should be no exception. Reading a book by the pool does not count. I do not enjoy diving in fully clothed to pull your child from drowning.

I have four children that love to swim. I myself, love to swim. This does not make me the resident pool babysitter. Grunting at me will only help if you are asking nicely to be scissor kicked in the head.

If you have more cottage cheese than a dairy farm I will politely look away. I understand. I do. I'm all for the Dove idea of beauty, don't think I'm shallow. Face it, girls and guys, cellulite is a fact of life and therefore cover ups were invented for good reason. Swim shorts are also a great alternative. Both are affordable as well as accessible at any major retailer. They come in prints, solids...and my swim shorts are black.

Lastly, if you are two teenagers poolside, and loudly commenting how 'like, huge people are' and 'how annoying the kids are', this is also the fastest way to get your mouth turned into a pool filter. I won't make fun of how many times, you say, "..ohmaaagaaah you got me wet!" when you are sitting with feet in the pool. I will also forgo mentioning your tongue piercing and muffin top swimsuit. In return, you won't make remarks about....

Oh, who am I kidding, I'm totally going to blog you.

~Bee concludes her pool side etiquette.

18 comments:

Heffalump said...

Those rules need to be posted each swim season...they will always make me smile.
I would like one of those old fashioned swimsuits like they wore in Wild Hearts Can't be Broken to cover my muffin top please...

Kimberly said...

I'm waiting for the old swimming pantsuit thingy to come back into fashion as well. Heh.

seven said...

Eww... swimsuits these days are gross. I just swim in shorts and a tshirt. Funny rules!

ponder this said...

i've been to the local pool heaps of times, and no single mum's have come up and flirted with me....what gives????

(could it be my g-string bathers??)

R said...

This was funny again, the second time around! I remember reading this perhaps last year. I laughed again.

Over here we have severely obese women who wear bikinis at my pool. I mean, they totally break all the rules and I follow them because I don't want to blind people with my stretch marks. I mean, I don't want to scare them. I have a little sixties looking halter two piece that covers me completely, and I am a little person.

What ever happened to modesty and looking good without showing everything off? People don't need to see things I don't even want to see!

Danielle Says Hello said...

Very funny!!!!! We usually try and get to the pool at least twice a week - however, it is only open from 1-5 which is when it storms this time of year in Florida ;(

Erin said...

This should be the universal pool sign! LOVE it. I was giggling the entire time and almost choked on my toast. (Don't eat and blog. Not healthy!)

Groovy Mom said...

You reminded me I have to buy a suit this week. Gaaawd. I hope they have swim shorts big enough to hide my cottage cheese. :-P

Half-Past Kissin' Time said...

I love this, and it fits nicely with my post for tomorrow, so I'll be linky-lovin' on you tomorrow....

Jaina said...

How could a mother leave their child in the pool with only floaties??? AND NOT EVEN NOTICE WHEN THEY START DROWNING? Seriously, not cool. Great post.

Janie said...

Great post, as usual! Love the etiquette.

Dapoppins said...

rubberbands around an egg! OH MY BOBBBBBBBBBBB!

holly said...

how many bothans died? oh i'm now a very embarrassed star wars fan to have just googled something i should have known. but i've said it before and i'll say it again. my memory is crap. i can't remember how many times i've said that. because...

anyway.

when i was a nanny, there was a woman at the country club who looked like she was well done. every day she was on the poolside, slathering her leathery bits with sunscreen. i just wanted to say "honey, you really should have done that 50 years ago." and thank god she was wearing a bikini, but i know for certain that she was only wearing it because it meant she could avoid the friction of two dangly things dragging along the sidewalk. ew.

but, bee, thank you for making me feel good about my own "facts of life". laughter lines? what the hell were my thighs laughing at? what the hell was *that* funny?

oh....my saddlebags have also been reading your blog. damnit!

Scarlet W. Blue said...

As a recent apartment dweller and poolside lounger with two young'uns, I have to say your descrption is DEAD ON. And hilarious.

Foo said...

Hilarious post. I laughed 'til I poo'ed.

doozie said...

making people poop now?

I agree, I usually wear a snow suit or equivalent to the pool. maybe a hazmat uniform

If someone were talking about huge people near by me, I would go ahead and show them how huge I am by kicking them into next week

Jo Beaufoix said...

I am rolling on the floor laughing my cottage cheese ass off. That was so funny. But I am jealous as we have no pool to laze around as the UK is just one pool of rain. :(

Bren Herrera said...

i'm letting my good friend know about ur blog. she's a mom and would totally appreciate your postings!

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