08 November 2008

The Best Part Of Waking Up Is Free Shipping

I like to wake up on Sunday mornings, smooth down my bedhead, and read the paper while I make out with a cup of black coffee. I love having the paper delivered.

Getting the paper delivered is a necessity in these economic times. I figure by clipping the coupons in the paper, it should offset the cost of a paper being delivered. I can save a lot of money this way but I'm tempted to spend on a few of the mail order products. Here are a few Sunday ads that caught my attention. The minds that birthed these products are brilliant and unparalleled. 

Cleansing Detox Foot Pads

I wonder why these go on the feet and not over your belly say, for food poisoning or across your forehead for dirty thoughts. The Japanese company advocates the pads only for the feet. Are the feet of Japanese especially pungent and toxic?

For the record, I always sleep with my bare feet sticking out of the covers and with a bamboo plant next to my bed.

But foot detoxing is still good news. Say you are a party animal. After loading up on crack, booze, and pork rinds, you can slap on these bad boys (assuming you can still find your feet) and they will adsorb all bodily impurities. There is nothing more comforting than knowing you are cleansed when you awaken on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a lampshade, a toga robe, and of course, two toxin-filled pads on the bottom of your feet. You'll look more rested than a day at some frou frou spa.

Demon Treats

Yes, you read that right. When you do party like a rockstar, Target wants you to buy the seasonal Demon Treats. I kid you not.

I am disturbed by their casual use of naming candy after the supernatural world of all things evil. Do you have to cross yourself to go down this isle? Do the employees' heads spin a 360 when they are putting these on the shelf? I dare not ask.

Target also disappoints me in not being an equal opportunity candy supplier because they were all out of Chester Molester Chews and Death Row Dum-Dums. Don't even get me started on their deplorable lack of B & E Peanut Butter Cups. 
Stained Glass Clock

Since you have now been detoxed, you should be making better choices, starting with the Stained Glass Clock. Now, I will not make fun of Jesus because I am a Bible believer but Jesus image on clocks, plates, watches, wallets...I don't get it. In fact, my sisters and I used to hide our Last Supper nightlight because we thought all their eyes were watching us in the dark. The good news is that if you are ever tempted to buy Demon Treats, I would instead do something more edifying with your money, like this Stained Glass Clock.


Who is your baby daddy? This seemed funny to me when I scanned the picture. Now? Not so much but I do wonder....

Do they include multiple swabbing sticks in that kit? How many test tubes/swabs do they include before they hear the woman is insulted? (5? 10? 20?)

Either way, the woman just had a baby and will need to get back in shape. Have no fear! The Tummy Shaper will help. This will suck your fat away with infrared technology.

Lipo Tummy Shaper

Most women are worried about muffin top. The Lipo halter apparently provides great results because of the Bio Ceramic Dots for "Far InfraRed" Weight loss. I can't wait for them to come out in a dickie style so I don't have to worry about my muffin neck anymore.

This wonder is basically like poor man's body armor. I could get excited about the figure-shaping design if it could shave off 5, 10, 80lbs. What thrills me is that wearing this simple garment will allow me to drive through the bad parts of town completely protected. I will rest easy knowing that if I decide to take down a Drug Lord in my Ford Minivan, the Bio Ceramic Dots will protect me.

Blair Sweatshirts

Who under 65 wears these?  All you need is some snazzy hat and your ready to go shuffle boarding.

Lastly, this is one is my favorite.

Discount Hat

I think these hats are such a great idea in this economic climate. I'm buying one for everyone in the family.

~Bee is always ready for double coupon day
Listening to: The Entire U2 Album, How To Dismantle An Atomic Bomb


Millie said...

Chester Molester Chews, Anti-Christ Gummy Bears, and Death Row Dum-Dums? My dear, you are a marketing genius.

Don't forget my fat tired short-term-memory-loss mom discount!

Suzy-Q said...

I need that hat for my mother. SHe is so proud of the fact that she can eat for a dollar at McDonalds. She gets a burger, fries and water for a dollar. Seniors are so funny. THey spend their whole lives working for money then won't spend it! haha

Demond candy scares me.

... Paige said...

Girl, you slay me, molester--that is a funny word

Just one favor next time please include some kind of shoe and pants. Cause I think I may look a little odd walking down the street in my new hat, those snazzy underwares, a shirt and detox pads on my feet, oh and a demon hanging outta my mouth.

Anonymous said...

Gotta love those Blair sweatshirts. They look like the stuff that comes in the ads with taste of Home from The Country Store. The ones with geese are the best.

McBunni said...

You totally crack me up!

Whistle Britches said...

That's pretty funny stuff.

Doozie said...

Well, I just had tears. AND I was talking on the phone to you at the phone. I'll be back when we're done talking and try to comment in a worthwhile manner.

Skerrib said...

More sweatshirt love--


This is where my grandma shops. And my mom. sigh...

Bee said...

skerrib, HAWTNESS. I think I saw Paris Hilton wearing one of those (with the dog and cat emblem)

the doozie, you mean choking on our spit while talking on the phone.

uncle joe, just say no to Demon Treats.

mcbunni, aim to please. :) Feeling better?

tiffany, I promise you will find me in a Blair sweatshirt.

paige, how about a nice pair of stretchy pants?

auntie jo-jo, They spend their whole lives working for money then won't spend it! haha! No kidding. I love the bumper stickers that state: Spending my kids inheritance.

millie, you don't qualify for fat-tired, but I hear you on the memory loss. What? Were you talking to me? Where am I?

R said...

I have seen a few of those. The Jesus clock is disturbing. And I love Jesus. It is like getting an angel mug saying, "turn your hurt into halos" as the Crystal Cathedral guy would say. Robert something. Robert Schuler. That is it. That guy. Gee whiz. What a bunch of mushy mush.

And I have seen the senior discount one. It is funny every time I see it.

This post had me laughing.

Foo said...

Interesting choices.

- Foot detox pad: I'm skeptical (which will come as a surprise to no one), but I have heard of foot detoxing before. About a year ago, there was a special foot bath that was getting a lot of attention. You'd stick your feet in the special solution, and soon all this brown, icky-looking stuff would cloud the liquid. It looked like sewer water, and the claim was that all that crap was sucked out of your body through the pores of your feet. Maybe it was; maybe it wasn't. I understand how high colonics would work, but how would all that gunk come out through your feet?

- Jesus clock: I like clocks and stained glass, and they might even be nice together. But not a cheap (probably) plastic and batteries thing the rough equivalent of a velvet Elvis painting.

- Discount hat: Makes sense. I'm already getting absent minded. Having the discount request on my hat would mean one fewer thing to remember.

camiropa said...

Reading that post was a GREAT way to start my day. Awesome, just awesome!

I'm so glad I found your blog!

Jo Beaufoix said...

Chester Molester, hee hee. And that body armour is fab. Wow, I bet you've got Christmas completely sorted hon. :D

ancient one said...

Well, at least I'm the right age to wear the Blair Sweat Shirts with the beautiful embroidery! Yea!

Kimberly Vanderhorst said...


Oh I needed that!

Anonymous said...

those blair sweatshirts are definitely my favorites, and here is why: they remind me of second grade teachers, and my second grade teacher (she of sweater vest and floor-length jean shirt fame) one day brought her 6 golden retriever puppies into class. how cool is that for second graders? such a day shall not be forgotten!

also, no robot dancing from the rev, YET.

Rebecca Blevins said...

What? No polyester housedresses? I found an ad for one of those in my Sunday paper. Not just one color, no sir. They had all the colors of the rainbow. Plus a nice little zipper.

I believe they're also called mu-mus.

Jamie Dawn said...

I'm totally cracking up over these ads.
The Demon Candy is just evil to the core. I bet it causes even more cavities than regular, non-demon candy.
"Muffin neck" - okay, that really cracked me up!!!
I do not own a Jesus stained glass clock. I feel like I'm missing something now and must rectify that.

Jaina said...

Those detox footpads actually look really cool, but they're too expensive just to try out on a whim. Loved this post though :)

Super Happy Girl said...

I believe the Kinoki pads (a product made it out of excellency) and that DNA kits could be sold together.
There's a campaign there just waiting to happen.

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