23 October 2008

Blueteeth Gone Wild

I ordered a new G1 phone and have to purchase a bluetooth headset. Anyone have an affordable one they recommend?

I'll forgo the assimilation with the 'resistance is futile' and all, but there has to be a headset that is fairly comfortable, easy to use, and all without making the user look like an idiot. I'll be standing next to a woman in the grocery line. Business as usual and all of a sudden she'll belt out, "Well, that sounds great! I'll see you at home by 6:30."

Was that her OB/GYN?

Our state laws require hands-free phone devices. It's an outstanding idea however, why don't double-cheeseburger stuffers and cigarette smokers have the same type of laws? Isn't talking on your cell much safer than navigating a vehicle while holding a cancerous plant that also happens to be on fire?

Lastly, a shout out to Sweet Juniper, who is now going in my official blog stalker shrine as Favorite New Read. If you prefer dry humor and outstanding writing, I'd highly recommend reading. This post on an abandoned school left me in awe and this one on school pictures made me laugh outright.

~Bee is turning 4 soon.
Listening to: Chopin, lots and lots of Chopin.

21 October 2008

Let's Skip The Swimsuit Competition

Mr Coffee is already asleep. I am not. Maybe I'm getting old and not needing my 9 hours of sleep every night.

I'm considering the wisdom in drinking that triple-venti latte at about 6pm.

My kid-free morning flew by today. It's another half-day of school for the kids with a repeat tomorrow. In the throes of childlessness, I decided to enjoy the calm before the storm and picked up a sewing book I'd ordered. I hope to finish some aprons before ripping out more than a quarter-million stitches and producing what turned out to be pretty over-sized dishrags.

I'm blowing off years of dust from my sewing machine. It's a bad realization to find stitched fabric couched between the bobbin and needle, to then suddenly remember said fabric was what was left over from the demo at the sewing machine tune-up place.

You know? The place I took my machine into about three years ago? Tune Up Bob told me it was bad to let my sewing machine sit for long periods of time. I'm so happy I took his advice to heart.

As for the half-days, I'd gather that in the school district's deplorable lack of funding, the Big Cogs in the Educational Wheel of District Budgeting brainstormed and declared that half-days of school every couple of weeks in order to eliminate that spendy extra order of plastic sporks.

My morning Kindergartner goes to school for about two hours on days like this. Why bother for two hours, you ask?

Let us be reasonable. Without those two hours, she is missing vital elements to her school career.

Recess. I will make sure she runs around the lawn a few times to make up for lost recess. Problem solved.

Standing in line. Moving on.

Telling older bullies to "watch your mouth" when she is pushed down on the bus and told to shut up. Not to worry, she'll own his crayons before the year is out. She has older brothers. She can hold her own when needed.

You wanna knuckle swammidge?

A half-day of school is not complete without my daughter experiencing some juicy excitement for the Parent Teacher Conferences. I like all of their teachers, but I do have a few issues with my son's teacher.

His teacher was once a beauty queen. An honest to goodness bonefide beauty queen. Apparently, Teacher BQ has taken her experience, like map reading in South Africa and solving world hunger, to the humble walls of elementary grade academia. The parade wave is a skill no teacher should be without on their resume.

Teacher BQ is outgoing by nature and implored parents (me) to email, call, or talk to her with concerns. I had a few in the beginning of the year and yet, she was passive, condescending, and cc-ed the school counselor, assistant principal, and principal in what I can only guess was in an effort to humiliate me and waste taxpayer dollars. I wonder if she could teach with that tiara punched down her neck? And really, does cc-email competency come with lessons on how to keep your suit from riding up your crack?

It doesn't help that the Teacher BQ was born the year Mr Coffee graduated from high school. I don't even know if she can ride on the big kid rides yet, let alone buy beer.

My son likes her and honestly, I would too, if it wasn't for her inexperience and cleavage. His complaints are that he "is tired of doing lower grade BABY math" and that his teacher "shows too much boob crack."

Something to bring up in the PT Conference...all in a half-days work.

~Bee does not like teacher boob crack in a room full of elementary aged kids.

20 October 2008

I'm Not A Rude Dude

No person has been harmed in the idles of my disappearance, although I've been told I will be beaten profusely with a large, dirty shovel if I don't get over here and tell you all what opprobrious deeds in which I have been faithfully engaging.

Genealogy. Laundry. Books. More Books. Library. Getting pedicure. Paying Bills. Composting in the back of my van. Killing houseplants. Watching Mongol. Staying out of sibling drama. Couch shopping. Parent Teacher Meetings. Make yummy tacos. 6 bags of stuff to Goodwill. Sewing. Making Vintage Aprons. Reorganize linen closet. Run 10 miles this last week total. Lie about running. Jog 10 miles. Lie about jogging. Walk 10 miles like a big, fat baby. Be honest about the walking 10 miles like a big fat baby part. Burn music for kids. Watch Chicka Chicka Boom Boom with Kindergartner. Make brownies. Mop kitchen. Decorate fireplace mantle with fall stuff. Make killer manicotti. Make trip(s) to Starbucks. Go to vintage bookstore. See City of Ember with daughter. Finish reading Wives and Daughters (third time). Buy books at Goodwill. Loads of email. Rearrange furniture.

Boy am I tired.

It took some doing to yank the rain barrel out and shave off a chunk of lye cake, but after some serious elbow grease I'm done with the laundry. Isn't that exciting? Maybe not to you, but this is good news to my boys who went commando once last week from lack of unders.

Mother of the Year.

While I'm accepting that award, I might as well get Manners of the Year. Pope-rah was on last week and I saw her show on our country's rudeness. Starting with people who call her Pope-rah, like she is the mouth-piece of God.

I don't think so.

As for manners? I'd say parents and care-givers need to step up and teach kids manners. Simple things like please and thank you and then onto bigger things like taking up your own dishes and not farting (loudly) in public.

I found Pope-rah's quiz fairly telling. Here are my responses and feel free to comment yours.

♦Are you chronically late?
No. We have a saying at our house. Knowing Mr Coffee, it's probably from some Roman or Greek General, or Yoda.."When you are early, you are on time. When you are on time, you are late. When you are late, you are dead."

♦Have you ever typed an e-mail while talking on the phone?
Yes. I only do this when I am on the phone with the person I'm sending it to. And does Spider Solitaire count?

♦Have you ever interrupted a face-to-face conversation to take a non-urgent cell phone call?
Yes. I usually ask if it's okay to take the call.

♦Have you gone through a supermarket 10-item express lane with more than 10 items?
Yes. I usually shop early in the morning and all they have open is the express lane. So, purposefully? No.

♦While among friends or co-workers, have you yawned without covering your mouth?
NO. I think this is so gross. Who wants to see all those fillings?! Cover your pie hole. The world thanks you.

♦Have you ever texted or talked on a cell phone in a movie theater?
No and never will unless there is an earthquake while watching a movie and I'm buried in the rubble with my cell phone, only to saw off my arm with a spork to free myself from certain butter-topping death.

♦Have you let your dog relieve himself on your neighbor's lawn?
No and this is easy because I do not have any pets. My kids however...let's not talk about that.

♦Have you ever cut in front of someone in line?
No but I've had people cut in front of me, God rest their souls.

♦Have you ever stolen someone's parking spot?
No. I park way out for the exercise and to keep people from dinging the heck out of my doors.

♦Have you ever let your child kick the back of the seat in front of him and not apologized to the person sitting there?
No but when a parent is asking their child to apologize to you or yours, please do not say, "It's okay..." because if it was okay, then the child would not be prompted to apologize. "I forgive you" is a far better option.

♦Do you RSVP?
Yes, in fact, I try to do it the day I receive the invite. This is a huge pet peeve of mine, as anyone who has planned a party can attest. I try to leave off the invitation something like the date or location of the party so as to get people to RSVP.

♦Do you gossip?
No but we Christians call this a "prayer chain". Seriously, though...I never share anything I wouldn't want attributed to me and repeated on a loudspeaker. I only have three people I really share all with, and one is Mr Coffee.

♦Have you ever taken someone else's food or drink from the office refrigerator? No. I would further bludgeon the person who takes the last of the coffee and leaves the empty pot on the hot burner plate and doesn't make more. This person should be force fed a pot of day old grounds.

A few last pet peeves of mine? Not washing hands after using the bathroom. Being a Know-It-All (I hate that in myself). Eating with your mouth open. Car door dings. Not saying thank you when someone holds your door open. Parking like a beached whale. Not taking responsibility for one's own actions. Bringing your sick kids around me and other kids when you know your kids are sick.

Those are a few. So am I rude? I guess only if I am bludgeoning you with an empty coffee pot. That might be considered rude.

~Bee uses a napkin and points her pinkie when she drinks her coffee

12 October 2008

There Is No Spoon

There is a lot to be said in my earlier poll about judgments, stereotypes, body image, and discrimination..for both sides of the scale. You can see the results on my weight poll if you go back a post or two..

Maybe this is the very reason blogging appeals to me. Beyond my Amazon height, junk in the trunk, and slightly chipped front tooth, there are people who befriend me based on things that are, well..more than skin deep.

Blogging is a community of people who have the ability to "meet" someone's personality first. How often do you get that kind of opportunity?

When you come to my blog, you see my blog design and creative side. By writing, I can procure a laugh, an amen, or take a stab at some odd observation. It's blogging that makes it possible to empathetically commiserate over your worries or invite you into an idea that inspires or teaches.

Not once while blogging will I be thought of as the skinniest or fattest in the room. For a woman, that is a load off, only because of our society that places so much emphasis on youth and beauty.

What happened to wisdom and character?

I know. It's not a perfect world as long as we have eyes to see and places of power to rise up and meet. Blogging to me is a welcome substitute for the imperfect reality. Case in point....

This weekend I went to a 5 year old's party for my daughter's friend. I felt like an outsider, with the moms seemingly knowing each other. I however, knew no one.

The dads and I seemed out of place watching the kids bob up and down in the gigantic inflatable castle-slide thingie and in intervals, eating too much junk food. Nothing is as bonding for guys as sitting and talking about the awesomeness of gigantic inflatable thing that may induce bodily harm. Well, maybe blowing up gigantic inflatable castle-slide thingies with a stick of dynamite and then eating pizza afterwards.

One of the dads struck up a conversation with me. I didn't feel like answering loads of personal questions, so I started asking him about his family. Nothing too straightforward. People love to talk about themselves and so it went he was happy to oblige me with answers. He was friendly, but his wife came over immediately and made a point to meet me. She sent him to the car for an errand.

She knew nothing about me and she was afraid I was trolling on her husband. It was so weird. I wished Mr Coffee had been there, so she wouldn't have felt she had to follow me around. But in the meantime. I was just as bored as he was and for that alone? Guilty as charged.

I did learn from the wife/mom that my youngest is part of a clique at school.

You see, girls do this. Boys do not until they are much older in school and share cheat codes to World of Warcraft or group up and vote on whether or not hygiene is really that important.

The news came out. I was informed my 5 year old daughter is just short of joining the Hell's Angels.

My baby girl is the King Pin for The BFF Club in Kindergarten.

HUH? That was the first I'd heard of it.

My daughter has no clue what BFF means. I've never used that term, let alone witnessed her usage of it. I should complain because it is another child that has soiled my Kindergartner's vocabulary with pop culture acronyms. INMP, meh. The mom at the birthday party further informed me that the girls indiscriminately kick each other off the Club and the next day they are allowed back in if they are nice. I wish I could do this in a PTA meeting.

This mom acted like this was one step short of juvie. She might as well have said these girls take blood pacts, pack heat under their pink-hooded, fleece-lined coats, and sell crack straight from their Strawberry Shortcake lunch pails.

I had never met these moms until that day, but I felt judged over something ridiculous like a BFF Club. They are 5 and 6 year olds! This is how they play. But for me? I'm the one standing on my own conversing with strangers who are married.

Home-wrecker and Man-stealer. Encourage Gang Activity. Not Shoving Myself Into Their Private Jokes? I would rather be online with my blog friends? Heck yeah.

~Bee is teaching her daughter to steal cars next week. Fo Shizzle, my dizzle....

05 October 2008

The Survey Says..UPDATED

Q and A is great for a busy (lazy?) blogger like me this week. I need to get around and say hello to those who think I've fallen off the planet. In the meantime, you asked, I listened and now I shall pour forth my worldly wisdom.

Blogger Millie said...I'm interested in the hot tub thing. Bunny once tried to get freaky with me in one but I was too modest.
Dear Millie,
I am just as modest, but if you are in a private whirlpool at a hotel room they still puts lots of chlorine in the water. You can pretty much chemically burn your nether regions right out of the mood. I'm just saying, I don't recommend ever getting freaky in this manner.

Blogger Groovy Mom said...Ditto what Millie said.
Dear Groovy Mom,
Ditto to what I told Mills. There is nothing close to that kind of pain except for childbirth, going bathing suit shopping, or watching a Barney marathon for 4 hours.

Blogger Ian said...could you tell me how you'd fix Death Race so it wasn't so sucky?
Dear Ian,
I'm hoping you mean the movie, because I know of no other Death Race. I would eliminate the death part and make Jason Statham a smooth talker, who transports things in his car. He will be more of a guy that prefers the uncomplicated life for himself. Cut out the blood, the racing, and have him make rules like "never open the package". Make sure there are some awesome fight scenes and have the film directed by Luc Besson. Call the movie "The Transporter". This makes Death Race not so sucky. In fact, I may even call it one of my top favorite movies. PS. Jason Statham and I share the same birthdate.

Blogger Heffalump said...Yes...do tell about the Hot Tub.
I'd really like to know also how you found out that kind of info about said hot tub.
I'd also like the grass stain remover, a remover for getting ink from a ball point pen out of clothes...
Dear Heff,
I plead the fifth on how I gain said knowledge. As for grass stains, you can use a bleach alternative and scrub. Allow to sit about 30 minutes and launder. If it does not get it out, you can use a digestive enzyme, like acidophilus and mix it with water to make a paste. Rub it in and allow to sit for an hour. Launder as usual. I've heard of 1T. of ammonia to two cups water, then scrub at the spot. I'd recommend this only if it is a light-colored fabric. Test a spot with ammonia/water solution before treating the grass stain. Ink is best removed with rubbing alcohol, with an absorbent pad or towel under the fabric. Work from the backside of the stain to push the stain out, not deeper in the fabric. Move pad/towel frequently while blotting. Wash with (color safe) bleach. You can also apply hair spray or insect repellent and rub. Launder as usual. And you probably already know not to dry it until the stain is out as heat will set your stain.

Blogger Mrs4444 said...Have you always had such gorgeous, long tresses? If not, do you have any old photos to share of you in...say, a pixie cut?
You are so sweet to say that. I prefer long hair because then I can hide my backwards mullet growing out my adam's apple-neck region. I have had short hair, like Demi Moore in Ghost. That was back when I got married. I'll have to dig up photos and beat on my scanner to make it work. It's decided this last week to not scan anymore.

Blogger Dapoppins said...How do I get that scaly rash stuff off of my sons forehead?
If it's craddle cap, then use a soft baby hairbrush and gently brush his hair during a bath. If he is older, tell him to quit holding the frogs at the pond and wiping sweat off his brow shortly after. If that doesn't work, buy a brillo pad and scrub his head clean. Apply ointment immediately after because there may be some redness and discomfort.

Blogger Jo Beaufoix said...Why is it that goats can't do handstands? I mean, they're so good at jumping and climbing and stuff, you'd think they'd have mastered handstands by now.
They really can but they do them at night when no one is looking. The older ones have a more difficult time of it, only because their larger horns tend to change their center of gravity to a tipping point.

Blogger Lynellen said...Bee, I would really love some tips on how to train my super-shy dog to "come" since she won't eat treats out of my hand. That kind of knowledge would be very helpful.
Dear Lynellen,
Welcome to my bloggage and thanks for asking. I don't have experience with dogs with my boys being allergic. However I've read that when you do discipline your dog, use a rolled up newspaper and never your hand. They need to know an outstretched hand is a good thing they are able to trust. Treats or no treats.

Blogger holly said...how many licks does it take to get to the centre of that sucker? OR how much wood wood a wood chuck chuck if a wood chuck could chuck wood? i have always always wanted to know, and no one will tell! and tom cruise. is he really that insane?
Dear Holly,
You must be doing it wrong if you are licking your way to lolly pop oblivion. I always chew my lollies half way through them. 2) A wood chuck would chuck as much wood as a wood chuck could chuck, if a wood chuck chuck wood. 3)Tom Cruise's insanity is difficult to gauge. Is this David Blane kind of insane or Jim Jones' kind of insane? I'm leaning toward the Flavor-Aid variety.

Blogger ... Paige said...So how does one go about getting one of those genie's in a bottle? and if you can tell me how to get it in there please let me know if it is legal to toss it in a landfill?
Dear Paige,
Cremation is the preferred and least amount of hassle to getting a genie in a bottle. I believe it is legal however, if you are someone who is 'green', I wholly recommend putting the bottle out in the glass recycling and letting them deal with it. I've heard they get weird things like jars of teeth, or gallstones, etc...

Blogger...The Doozie said...Why does the masked marauder sleep in his mask?

Dearest The Doozie,
Because the Unmasked Marauder does not have the same ring to it. Besides, his mask has a lavender and eucalyptus gel pouch on the other side so his eyes never get too puffy and it's a great relaxation after a long day of killing..or stabbing or what have you. Puffy eyes also mean the mask holes don't match up well and then he might as well be the Blind Marauder.

Blogger... R said...What I DO want to know is why exactly is the sky blue because I am SICK of telling my kids that it is the ocean's reflection. And---Why does George Catlin's son look like Tintin?
Dear R,
You are right, just backwards. The blue from the water is the sky's reflection. Unless it's the water in the potty, then it just means you have one of those cool bleachy things and coincidentally, a very clean potty.

Oxygen and nitrogen atoms in our atmosphere disrupt the rays of the sun. The rays contain all colors, but the blue rays are the shortest wave length (red being the longest). Blue rays are also the most scattered when the rays hit our Oxygen/nitrogen atmosphere so we see more blue than any other color. If it was the opposite and the longest wave length color was scattered most, we'd have a red sky. Cool, huh? I remember this from 7th grade, don't ask me how. Lord knows, I can't even remember if I put on deodorant today.

~doing the pit sniff test~ Yeah, we are good.

As for George Catlin's son? I'd say he looks more like Waldo sans hat, than like Tintin. Now if he looked like Tonto, then you would know he didn't just paint those Indians.

Blogger...Cathouse Teri says..Why is it that people say they could care less when what they really mean is that they couldn't care less?
Dear Cathouse Teri,

This saying is one of those botched sayings that is perpetuated by people who couldn't care less. Rather like way back when, when someone in the deep South said, "You are the spirit and image of your father!" With a strong Southern accent you'd think you heard, "You are the spittin' image of your father." Who would want to look like their spitting father?

This concludes Q and A for today. Thank you all who sent me questions.

~Bee likes to say, "Knowledge is not power. It's the implementation of knowledge that is power."

04 October 2008

What Do You Think?

I'm in the mood to post right now. I haven't been feeling it. I guess after nearly 4 years of blogging one gets slumped.

I'm feeling the writing bug, not to be confused with the louse I found on my daughter's scalp last week. I want to scissor-kick the head of the parent that won't speak up when their child ends up infected. Now my kids are tucked in. Mr Coffee is hanging out with out-of-town friends from Bible College. I'm here awake by my lonesome and the TV to keep me company. News gets me annoyed...ha. Nothing like airsoft pistols at school and stolen Obama signs to make you feel warm and cozy at night. Tomorrow I'm hoping to go a whole 3 miles and try to jog it. I haven't run in forever. I've been working my bahookie on the treadmill and hopefully my thyroid won't explode before I get to a healthier weight. No, I'm not telling you how much I weigh but it makes me think. Off and running...
Weight Perceptions - CLICK ALL THAT APPLY
You judge over-weight people if you see them eating ice cream or fast food
You believe thin people get jobs because they are thin
You believe over-weight people get jobs because they are over-weight
You would make friends with a blogger no matter what size they were
You would not make friends with a blogger if they were over-weight
You don't believe that over-weight people are such due to laziness
You believe over-weight people are such due to laziness
You would make friends with someone based on their personality
Over-weight people gross you out
Over-weight people can help it
You would rather lose your arm than be over-weight
You would rather be over-weight than lose your arm
You would rather be in an unhappy relationship than over-weight
You would rather be over-weight than in an unhappy relationship

Free polls from Pollhost.com
Thank you to all who participate. I'll post the findings later this week.