Your Sex Is...what?

Have you ever heard a song and you wonder, what the?

What is Muscrat Love?
Who would ride around the desert on a A Horse With No Name?
Lucy In The Sky With Diamonds?

Okay, we all know that the Beatles were smoking the carpet when they wrote that last one, but I think I have another song to add to that list of lyrically interesting persuasion.

Apparently, Your Sex Is On Fire.

What would happen if indeed Your Sex Was On Fire? I think it might go a little like this:

911: "911, where is your emergency?"

Me: "Um, hi. It's....uh....hard to say, really..."

911: "Where are you right now?"

Me: "Um, I'm laying where I'm laying and I think people are talking while I'm listening to King's of Leon on my ipod."

911: "Oh..Do you have an emergency?"

Me: "Um, yeah...I think. Um. Well...Ooooh. Okay. Hear me out....My sex...well, it's on fire. "

911: "Your sex?"

Me: "Huh? I can't hear you. There's too much commotion. The kiddies are playing."

911: "Your sex? It's on fire?"

Me: "Yes. Yes. I do believe it is. I think."

911: "You think? What do you mean, 'I think'?"

Me: "I. THINK. I think my sex is on fire. Can you do something about that?"

911: "I'm not sure if I'm hearing this right. You say that your sex is on fire."

Me: "Um, YEAH. Do you understand English? Am I calling India again?"

911: "No. I live in Nebraska. I'm just trying to help. Do you have an emergency or not?"

Me: "Well....I don't know. I was hoping you could help. The problem is that I have no idea where my sex is...heck, or even what it is. But I do know it's on fire."

911: "Have you tried putting it out?"

Me: "Putting what out?......Like, put out my garbage? I know you don't mean my cat. What else would I put out? My cat is already an outdoor cat because I have allergies. Besides, my cat is not on fire. My SEX is."

911: "Your.....sex?"

Me: "That's what I SAID. Don't people in Nebraska have sex?"

911: "I'm not talking about me. MY sex isn't the one on fire. Have you tried extinguishing your sex?"

Me: "Ooooh, how can I put out the fire when I don't know what my SEX IS. I don't even remember where I left it. Maybe it was in a dark alley...at the break of day. I can't remember."

911: "Are you hurting or in pain...do need an ambulance or a doctor?"

Me: "No, but I'm not really uncomfortable. I keep using chapstick to keep my lips soft and my knuckles are turning white. Other than that I think I'm fine. Aside from the fire of course."

911: "Let me get this straight. You are on fire....but you don't know.....if you are on fire?"

Me: "UM, YEAH. DID I STUTTER?"

911: "Even in Nebraska people know whether or not they are on fire."
Hells bells, I need a vacation...my BRAIN is on fire.
continues: "I want you to stay on the phone until the ambulance gets there, okay?"

Me: "Aww, come on. Will this take long? I want to put this sex out before I leave tonight. I'm going driving, driving...."

911: "Stay right there. Are you dying, are you dying?"

Me: "No, not really. I'm dealing with consumption."

911: "Consumption? Like...Tuberculosis? You have Tuberculosis? We are dispatching medical personnel right now....can you hang in there?"

Me: "I think so. A doctor would be nice since my head is hot as a fever. I practically feel rattling in my bones."

911: "Have you had anything to drink or eat? Do you feel light headed or dizzy?"

Me: "No, but a double pepperoni sounds really good about now. I could just taste it..taste it."

911: "Medical responders should be there soon. Hang on, it's not forever."

Mutters to self: Pepperoni...hmm, it's still the greatest, the greatest, the greatest..

911: "Ma'am, are you okay? Is your sex still on fire?"

Me: "I. don't. know. How many times do I have to tell you. I have NOOO idea what or where my sex is. I just told you. CHEESE LOUISE."

911: "But you said it was on fire? Is it finally put out now?"

Me: "If I don't know what it is," ~through clenched teeth~, "how should. I. know?"

911: "Well, you're the one who called....Let's try this. Do you see fire anywhere?"

Me: "No, not really."

911: "Then let's just say your sex is NOT on fire. You have nothing to worry about, okay?"

Me: "Okay. Hey, I see the flashing lights now. You still dispatched a...giant wagon?"

911: "Yes, and they are going to give you a free ride around town and a souvenir. The coats are just a way of saying thanks for calling 911. It's got a lot of cool buckles on it. I think you'll like it."

Me: "Cool, thanks...hey they're here. I gotta go..."

911: "Mkay, buh-bye now."

That's how this story transpired.

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