17 October 2007

Blogroll Schmogroll, Its Not Rocket Surgery

I have a whole lot of new readers coming through, so in light of that and my soon-to-be updated blogroll, I think it would be good to share again some of my profound knowledge (hahahhaha) about linky love.

The big dilemma. To Link or Unlink, that is the question.

I've seen these disclaimers now on blogs about blogrolls and linking. These are about as fun as reading your bank disclosures while getting a root canal. I'm talking about blogrolls that are passive-aggressive disclaimers on why the blog owner can't just take the link off without feeling guilty and yammering on, and on, and on about it.

I've been removed by haters and noooooooo, I'm not bitter.

No one likes to be removed from a friends list, a blogroll, or the line at Krispy Kreme, but I digress.....

When you have been taken off someone's blogroll/links, you will undoubtedly wonder, 'what did I say', 'do they hate my writing' , 'They can't smell me, can they?' or 'I wonder if their statcounter will show all 428 hits yesterday?'.

In light of this, I have come up with a blogroll, friends list and link disclaimer.

YOU WILL APPEAR LINKED or BEFRIENDED IF:

*IF I read your blog regularly. If you ignore me after 428 hits to your blog, I can take a hint. I won't link to you though. I will also sign you up at half a dozen free coupon sites just for spite. I sure hope you like email, I'm just saying.

*IF you make me shoot coffee or other assorted beverages in the morning, you are automatically linked. If I perhaps laugh at more than one post or choke on my own spit in a fit of laughter, I will give you extra kudos. If you make me wet my person while laughing, I might just have to add you to my blog stalker shrine.

*IF you make me think and use my head for more than a hat rack. I'm afraid my brain has gone to mush with kid movies, overdosing on coffee, spell check and calculators. I continue self-improvement efforts with a daily Sudoku game to keep my brain as nimble as a three year olds fingers. Thinking = good. Mush = bad. This however should be accompanied by adult conversation and witty banter for the desired effect.

*IF you come by my blog and say hi. Happy communication is a happy friendship. Now can we sing Kumbaya?

*IF you are famous and I want to look important and/or funny I will absolutely link to you. (ie, Dave Barry, Homestarrunner) I am a blogger, read me roar, but I am not short of acting desperate for readers.

*IF you appeared in the latest NY Times Bestsmeller. Books are for smelling don't you know? I have a love for reading, and as a self-proclaimed biblioholic, if you talk books or write them, I will link to you and perhaps name all subsequent children after you.

YOUR LINK DISAPPEARS:

*IF you have offered to be my sugar daddy, online stalker or other such sordid romantic gestures. Have it be known, I'm a female, 500 lb construction worker with a Subaru Outback and 5 o'clock shadow. I've also been banned from Yahoo Personals and MySpace. I feel the most dainty when my pit hair is braided and my nail polish, tube socks, and prison overalls match (Bonnie Bell #37 Faded Denim). I also have a husband, Mr. Coffee, that you could not measure up to. He still brings me flowers for no reason, after 14 years of marriage.

*IF I simply do not read your blog. Come on. It's not rocket surgery.

*IF I screwed up my template links changing my template for the 5th time this week. This should be reason #1.

*IF the number of "F" bombs and rated R content you use on your blog is taken into consideration. More than a handful of episodes in days post and you'll voted off the island by Me, Queen of The Prude Tribe. Unless you are waiterrant. Why waiterrant? I don't know him but he is hilarious.

*Lastly, you may have indicated a keen interest in the following, to which I am wholly against: Animal sacrifice, Hungry Man frozen dinners, fingernail decals/faux birthstones, fruitcake, plastic yard ornaments shaped like a granny's backside, blackmarket kidney donors, Ozzy Osborne, instant coffee, yugos, Barbara Streisand music, One Whole Chicken In A Can, owning Manheimlich Steamroller records, lookatmy.nekkid.self.com, el caminos, Jerry Springer, vegemite, pyramid schemes, Hammerpants, m@gic, fortune telling, and last but not least, boycotting toothpaste and or deodorant.

I like to peruse new reads, so if you see me on your statcounter for an hour, I'm either commenting or simply stepped away to change my tube socks.

**Please be aware that this post is entire tongue in cheek because tongue in keyboard gets really gross and messy.

36 comments:

Anonymous said...

Er... well, I hope you read MY blog. I realize you have tons to go through constantly, but I miss hearing from you.

Anonymous said...

sigh... banned for the f bomb :)

blue nail polish? better than orange I guess.

Anonymous said...

Well, I have not a clue if you visit often, but I couldn't blame you if you didn't. :) My blog has turned to mush now that I'm back homeschooling...spotty at best and severely lacking in those-liquid-spurting-through-the-nose-posts. (Is that called "post-nasal-drip" in blog land?)

Anonymous said...

I admire your forthrightness. This is why I do my "Who's still reading my blog? Speak now or no link for you" posts.

Wimpy? Yes.

Anonymous said...

Did I just inspire you by talking about how long no one visits my blog?

LOL. I kill myself.

Anonymous said...

So let me get this straight - you have a complicated system of links?

I just have international links (blogs outside the USA) and domestic links (USA blogs). Pretty simple.

The Iguana Links are really for me. My blog is also my home page.

I will attempt to remember to not drop too many F bombs here.

Speaking of F bombs, is it just me or do your farts not stink as bad if you go a few days without eating any foods made from animals?

Anonymous said...

I often pause and wonder what others must think when they don't even see a blogroll on my site????? Should I be researching antisocial personality disorder to add to my ever growing list of disorders (grin)?

Nice background ;)

Anonymous said...

I try not to worry too much about who links to me and who doesn't. Mostly because I am a bit on the lazy side and don't change my own blog rolls that often, and also because I know that there are tons of quality blogs out there, and mine might not quite measure up to some.

Anonymous said...

I linked to you, wench! :o( I'm sure I've sent crazy numbers streaming to your site. Like, maybe two that one time. And I'm sure there will be more. Business is booming! Yeah, booming.

Anonymous said...

Now I am sad. I've been reading and linking to you for a long time now but just noticed I am not on your blogroll.

:(

I don't drop F bombs and I'm sure to at least have made you spit coffee once or twice!?!?

Anonymous said...

I have zero zilch nada idea if you read my blog or not...I'm sure you've commented once or twice.

As to the blogroll, I say, don't sweat the small stuff. I link for my own behalf - I find the blogs I like and it's easy to go click on them and see what's up.

Of course, I am absurdedly slow and it doesn't take too awful much to entertain me...must be all those oilpatch fumes....

Anonymous said...

Oops! Sorry, I was looking under D for Daddyshack. My utmost apologies!

QJ

Anonymous said...

I like those that I like to read. Like you said, not rocket science. If I don't find myself reading I de-link! ;)

I swear, I will never make you buy Avon and I'm brewing coffee as I type. I drink late night coffee; it's how *I* roll!

Anonymous said...

P.S. I always get paranoid when you post about changing your blogroll. LOL

Anonymous said...

Ya know, I'm such a witty and frequent poster. How could you NOT read my blog? HEE HEE HEE HE HEEEEEEEEEEE!

So, what the crap? Did I not visit yesterday?? Check the stat counter!-----how could there already be THREE posts I have not seen?!?!?!

Anonymous said...

That's quite the complex system you have there. I link the blogs I like to read. Even when I can't get to them as often as I'd like. But you did inspire me to update mine, to at least weed out the dead links... thanks.

Anonymous said...

I will always be a fan... as long as you continue to use phrases like "rocket surgery" that is.

Anonymous said...

I don't read anything regularlly, but If i am not on your list, don't forget, I know where you live!

Anonymous said...

Hilarious - my first read here and man, you fun-ny. I'll be back. Feel free to begin evaluating my own blog as per your criteria.

You might also ask for letters of recommendation, to help your decision making processs...

Anonymous said...

Haha! I read you every few days, but I don't expect to be linked. Personally I don't like blogrolls so much. They're confusing for a simple guy like me. I like just using sidebar links I put in myself.

I once removed someone from my sidebar list... someone who never said hello, replied to me, ect. And she got so pissed off, it was really awkward there for a while.

Oh well.

Anonymous said...

What it be like to have enough readers that this post would be necessary? I don't think anyone particularly cares if I link to them!

FWIW, you've made me spew liquid from my nose before. Or, you would have if I had been drinking at the computer. :)

Anonymous said...

Oh, the disclaimer bit made me snort.

Anonymous said...

Well, I was just going to lurk and laugh, but then I saw the double dog dare...so, here's my comment! ;)

Oh, and I found your blog through Avery Day (today), so I haven't had much time to stalk, er, I mean, lurk... :)

Anonymous said...

so, this post was pretty much your disclaimer about links? I have a rule. I never link, therefore I don't ever have to explain, feel guilty, or get reemed for people's position or lack of on my lists

tha's how I roll

Anonymous said...

I'm new here (found you through Avery Gray) and just thought I'd pop in and say "hi" and that I'm rofl at that post!!! Too funny : ) Hope you have a great weekend.

Anonymous said...

I don't have a blog........but I come to read yours daily. Here in San Diego, coffee through the nose is refered to as an ASNR....(Acute Spontaeneous Nasal Reflux) special thanks to the DSC (Dave, Shelly and Chainsaw morning radio show) for that term. Peace and God Bless, Mike.
P.S. Love Your Show!

Anonymous said...

Here from Avery's blog, and I have to say I love your tongue in cheek (or keyboard) policies.

What if I make you shoot your beverage of choice, AND make you wet yourself? Do i get 2 links?

Anonymous said...

Aaahh! Homestar!!! I hate that frickin' mawshmallow.

Anonymous said...

You've put me through the blogroll suspense before and that's why I now have a THREE vodka martini-a-day habit. So, all I can say at this point is, thanks. I love martinis.

Anonymous said...

"...other assorted beverages in the morning...." I assume that's your breakfast beer?

What's the blog stalker shrine? Am I in it?

My brain is feeling a bit mushy, too. I think someone gave me a lobotomy in my sleep. I have a headache.

Anonymous said...

I'm one of your regular lurkers and don't get around to commenting often, so I know I don't pass your creds for blogroll "YES". Doesn't matter, I don't read you because I want you to love me, I love reading you! You're such laugh!

Anonymous said...

I know you read my blog, at least the posts about pirates and ninjas. Thank you for visiting! I wish I could get around my blogroll more often than I do, because a lot of people, like you, have plenty of fun and interesting things to say, and I don't get to catch up very often.

Anonymous said...

As long as I have you on my blog roll and can still find you, nothing else matters...ha! I would read you if you never, ever came to see me... but thanks for coming!!

Anonymous said...

Read this at the Buzz and was blown away by your wit and creativity. When's your book coming out?

Anonymous said...

You jsut had to dis Hungry Man dinners and Spam, didn't you?

Anonymous said...

Wow. 800 pounds and Krispy Kreme fueled. I had no idea the suspension on an Outback was so heavy duty.

...I want a Krispy Kreme.

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"One ought, every day at least, to hear a little song, read a good poem, see a fine picture, and if it were possible, to speak a few reasonable words."

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