the poop diaries

Warning: This post is not for the squeamish and is not recommended you read while at your lunch break. I will talk shamelessly and liberally about poop! I am also NOT a licensed professional so you can't sue me. I am just someone who prefers to stay as healthy as possible and write about fascinating things like bodily waste.


I would like to first thank my dear, wonderfully witty friend, Tee, who without her post Dr.N@tura on Dec 7th, would have afforded me a life of ignorant bliss. But no! I am now a believer and petrified about the little things that have somehow, possibly invaded my personal space in a big way. They are called parasites and apparently about 1 in four people have them.


I've rarely given my bodily functions any thought other than "I have to go", "cross your knees, another sneeze!" or "omagosh, did I forget to flush again?" There has also been the last nine years of diaper changes (my kids are 9, 7, 5, and 2). Did I have any problem with the way things were going? No. I had no troubles. Tee has made it all different. *~sniff~* She changed my life.

I checked out Dr. N@tura's site and even more disgusting but fascinating PICTURE GALLERY. You want to not look but you just can't stop yourself. I am of a rather curious nature and being the typical type 'A' personality I had to investigate further. This led me to several "Ewww, that is DIS-gusting! Ewww Ewww! That is amazing...wow! I didn't know that." I immediately put myself on a naturopathic colon and parasite cleanse after consulting Dr. Ohn (that would be Dr. Ohn-LineSelfDiagnosis).

In the last week I have discovered enough online to know that I will never eat sushi or pork again. Ever. I will always eat a well done steak, whenever I do eat meat. Also John Wayne did not die of a toxic 40 lb blockage in his colon. Thank you, snopes.com cause, you know, I always wondered....

One unexpected bonus, I have lost 11 lbs. doing this program for a whole 12 days (FYI: It's not water weight either, even though my piano legs* have disappeared. I always am liberal with my water intake, regardless). When I wake in the morning I am not achy or sore. That is a welcome development even with my increased exercise. And the question everyone asks, no Im not chained to my bathroom. (you can email me if you need exact details)

So, that is my tale of the poop diaries. I just hope we are still friends after you check out Dr. N@tura's PICTURE GALLERY.

*Piano legs: The onset of water retention in ankles of individual, usually during pregancy or 90+ degree heat, that gives the rather uncomely appearence of the legs looking the same size from top to bottom. See: PMS Bloating

borrowing Nazi

To loan or not to loan? That is the question.

About 5 months ago I decided to spring for a carpet cleaner. My carpet was in dire need of cleaning as it has been bombarded with the usual traffic of a household of 6. Juice boxes, playdoh, leaky diapers, muddy boots, etc..you get the idea. It needed cleaning and would undoubtedly need to again but after a vomit episode I researched the web because that is what you do when you want to buy something that will drastically change your checkbook. $270 is a chunk of money in my estimation and I wanted to get my money's worth out of this investment.

So now, if I haven't lost you from complete and utter boredom, I purchased it. I love it. I use it. Now, other people want to use it too.

Here is a little tale, theoretically of course, because that way I will be completely absolved of any wrong-doing in the matter.

There was a person who owned a carpet/upholstery cleaner, lets call her 'Jemma' or 'Fueled by Toffee'

There was also a person who wanted to borrow a carpet/upholstery cleaner, let's call her 'Teighbor'.

Now Jemma gets a call say, 9:30 pm last night, "Hello?"

Teighbor: "Hi, it's Teighbor! How are you?"

Jemma: "Fine."

Teighbor: "Do you by chance have a carpet cleaner?"

Jemma, quite reluctant: "Yeeees?"

Teighbor: "Can I borrow it? I have to clean up some vomit out of the carpet."

Now this is the trouble. Teighbor and Jemma used to be great friends. Now Teighbor is busy with other things and other neighbors, not that Jemma is upset, she just knows that everyone gets busy. There are times that Jemma wonders if she has hacked someone off, but Jemma could assume, be totally wrong, paranoid or just need therapy which appears to be the problem. The relationship has fallen to the wayside, why? Who knows. Maybe you would relate to this better if you lived in Salem with Bo and Hope or if you were in Jr. High or possibly lived on Wisteria Lane. Jemma doesn't care what people think because she doesn't get her self-worth from other people. Anyway, I will refrain from boring you further with the "Teighbor Chronicles".

Back to the dilemma....

Jemma, thinking quickly about the request, "It's full of vinegar and water".

At that time it was, I PROMISE, but she also didn't want to loan it out. It had just been used to get a mold spot off the sunroom floor..a room she doesn't always use. (PS. High traffic carpet rocks!!)

Jemma: "My sister in law is going to borrow it this week."

Why Jemma said that? I don't know. It didn't make sense but it was the truth.

Teighbor: "It's just one vomit spot, not all of the carpet"

Jemma thinks to herself: Great. Vomit and mold in one day. This machine will reek by weekend if I don't clean it out with Q-tips! I'm sure she won't want mold spores in her carpet. I can't lie to her but I'm not going to lend it out to get broken...again.

Jemma: "To be honest, I just make it a policy not to loan things out. My sister in law swore to replace or repair anything that gets broken or damaged because she knows how weird I am. It's not worth stressing a friendship over making someone replace something they damaged."

Teighbor speaks hurriedly: "Okay, its okay. I understand. It's okay. I have to go and get this out of my carpet. Bye."

Jemma felt bad but did not want to loan out the cleaner. Every time Jemma lends things out she stresses until it comes back....and usually broken:

1) Bent bicycle tire and torn open seat

2) Expensive camcorder now won't load tapes

3) 'I don't remember you lending me a DVD?'

4) 'I'm sorry about the truck' (that family member offered to pay for damages)

The list goes on, so Jemma doesn't loan things to anyone now unless she has no problem with possibly never seeing it again.

Is this a selfishness problem? No.

Is this a forgiveness problem? No.

Does Jemma have at least four good reasons for not trusting people? See above.

Does Jemma prefer not to stress a relationship over making someone replace materialistic objects? Absolutely yes.

Does Jemma borrow other peoples things. Not anymore.

Post Posting: Jemma ended up loaning this cleaner out to someone who promised to fix it and pay for it if it was damaged and it did come back broken because it was "ALREADY that way". Now I, ehmmm Jemma, has a broken attachment and no one to repair it. SEE?????????????????

What do you think? Do you avoid lending things if you can, but do it anyway or flat out not lend?

gee, you smell terrific

Fruit and A Jug On a Table by Paul Cezanne' (1839-1906)

Recipe for a simmering potpourri

1 orange, cut into ¼ inch slices

1 lemon, cut also as above

6 cinnamon sticks

about 6 or so cloves

Bring to boil in 2 to 3 cups water and let simmer.
(I hear you can also leave the pot on the woodstove)

OHHH, it smells so good. I also put a dash of vanilla extract in it for a warm scent or peppermint extract for cooler scent.

make me laugh

A friend emailed this to me. I thought it was pretty funny...

1. AT LUNCH, SIT IN YOUR PARKED CAR WITH SUNGLASSES ON AND POINT A HAIRDRYER AT PASSING CARS. SEE IF THEY SLOW DOWN.

2. PAGE YOURSELF OVER THE INTERCOM. DON'T DISGUISE YOUR VOICE.

3. EVERY TIME SOMEONE ASKS YOU TO DO SOMETHING, ASK IF THEY WANT FRIES WITH THAT

4. PUT YOUR GARBAGE CAN ON YOUR ! DESK AND LABEL IT "IN"

5. WHEN TRYING ON CLOTHES IN A DRESSING ROOM, YELL OUT "THERE IS NO TOILET PAPER IN HERE"

6. IN THE MEMO FIELD OF ALL YOUR CHECKS, WRITE "FOR SEXUAL FAVORS"

7. FINISH ALL YOUR SENTENCES WITH "IN ACCORDANCE WITH THE PROPHECY"

8. DONT USE PUNCTUATION

9. AS OFTEN AS POSSIBLE, SKIP RATHER THAN WALK.

10. SPECIFY THAT YOUR DRIVE-THRU ORDER IS "TO GO"

11. SING ALONG AT THE OPERA

12. GO TO A POETRY RECITAL AND ASK WHY THE POEMS DON'T RHYME

13. PUT MOSQUITO NETTING AROUND YOUR WORK AREA AND PLAY TROPICAL SOUNDS ALL DAY.

14. WHEN THE MONEY COMES OUT THE ATM, SCREAM "I WON I WON!"

15. WHEN LEAVING THE ZOO, START RUNNING TOWARDS THE PARKING LOT, YELLING "RUN FOR YOUR LIVES THEY'RE LOOSE!"

deep thoughts #3

Why do people say, "....it was in the last place I looked!"

Who keeps looking for something after they find it?

diary entry Dec 2002

This is an important story in my life dated Dec 2002. This is also something I felt I should share as my posts are usually dry and sarcastic, silly and humorous.

This is part of what has shaped me. I hope someone is blessed by it.

Read more...

ornery with love

I wrote this several years ago for my MOPS (Mothers of PreSchoolers)
group newsletter as a tribute to my children.

**

Bananas jammed down into vacuum hoses.
Marbles lodged tightly in toddler’s noses.

Big bottle of soap squeezed out on the floor.
32 degrees and an open front door.

Crayon marker faces drawn on the wall.
Tell me who won Vase vs Ball?

Expensive earrings. Yes, they do flush.
Daddy says, “Hurry!” but he's meaning, “Don’t rush.”

Chocolate fingerprints on the duvet cover.
Hide in the clothes rounder, here comes my Mother!

Legos shoved into the VCR.
Losing your lunch in the back of the car.

Spaghetti slides with ease through baby hair.
Dinner is something that you must wear.

Army men are “hiding” down the heater vent.
Hangers are more fun when they are bent.

Standing victorious on the kitchen table.
or tippy top of the fridge if you are able.

In Superman PJs I can fly off my bed.
Scissors cut hair nicely
when used on my head.

Children are ornery but when push comes to shove
you can't help but give them all of your love.

**

Poetically Kids

I wrote this several years ago for newsletter for a women's group I belonged to. It's silly but a fun tribute to my children.

Bananas jammed down into vacuum hoses.
Marbles lodged tightly in toddler’s noses.

Big bottle of soap squeezed out on the floor.
32 degrees and an open front door.

Crayon marker faces drawn on the wall.
Tell me who won Vase vs Ball?

Expensive earrings. Yes, they do flush.
Daddy says, “Hurry!” but he's meaning, “Don’t rush.”

Chocolate fingerprints on the duvet cover.
Hide in the clothes rounder, here comes my Mother!

Legos shoved into the VCR.
Losing your lunch in the back of the car.

Spaghetti slides with ease through baby hair.
Dinner is something that you must wear.

Army men are “hiding” down the heater vent.
Hangers are more fun when they are bent.

Standing victorious on the kitchen table.
or tippy top of the fridge if you are able.

In Superman PJs I can fly off my bed.
Scissors cut hair nicely
when used on my head.

Children are ornery but when push comes to shove
you can't help but give them all of your love.

deep thoughts

I wonder if Jackie Chan

(Shanghai Noon & Who Am I)

has a real life body guard?

Star Wars Kitty

Ellie abt 9 mos.

Dum, dum, dum
dum-da-dum
dum-da-duum....

My 2 ½ yr old daughter has now turned into what we call Star Wars Kitty

She runs around the house singing Darth Vader's Theme (or in fellow blogger Sarah Grace's case, Darf Bader's Theme) from Star Wars but with a feline twist:

Meow, mow, mow
meow-meow-meow
meow-meow-meow....

John Williams would be proud.

Merry Christmas Mr. POTTER!

I have to share my absolutely favorite Christmas movies.
Here they are with my favorite at the top.
What is your favorite Christmas movie??

It's a Wonderful Life
"George Bailey, I'll love you till the day I die."

Miracle on 34th St.



A Christmas Story
"You'll shoot your eye out!"


White Christmas




Meet Me In St. Louis

Holiday Inn

ketchup, latkes and U-cut trees

Back from hiatus! Yea! I said I'd be back after Thanksgiving. Thank you all for those who inquired. :o) I'm sure you are all tickled pink inside. Oh, wait that's the Pepto-Bismal.

I've managed to throw out my lower back in grandiose style. It hurts to sit for more than about 15 minutes so my blogging will be sporadic for a bit. Oh, I'll live.

I think I hurt myself helping hubby lift our massive Griswold Christmas tree on the roof of the van. Seriously, the tree takes up a chunk of my living room and about a quarter of a million Christmas lights. It smells so dern good. Only in the State of Washington can you pay $15 for a green 8 foot tree. Okay, Oregon too..and maybe Arkansas, now that I think about it.

And for those with the romantic notion of cutting your own tree...just back up the eggnog, Tiny Tim. It's not all snow and hot chocolate.

There is a reason its cheaper to U-Cut. It *can be* a bonefide pain in the keester.

(I need to be a bit more positive about this. Okay, smile while saying: "It's a pain in the keester!" Ah, such a difference.)

This is how it is. You start mucking through acres of mud and pine needles, having hubby sport his muscles by cutting down the tree (okay, really not bad...hm, mm, mmmm) and hauling it back to your vehicle. How far? I don't remember but I think I might have seen the cast of LOSTon the way back. You then lob the biggest and best on the top your vehicle, sap first, when you notice that gigantic bald spot in the tree that will go against a wall for sure. The proverbial cherry on top is if you can stress like me and worry about the mile of string hubby used that would somehow snap while we are on the highway. I could just see eight feet of douglas fir taking a 60 mile an hour Nutcracker dive off the top of the van, gracing some tailgater with a new pine-scented air freshener through their windshield.

With a tree this big, I had to pull out all my lights and shocker! nothing works. How is it that you can put away perfectly good Christmas lights in an airtight container, place the container in your attic, not touching it for a year to take it down and find only half the buggers work? I think it's an evil GE-sponsored, maniacal, light-damaging Fairy....either that or maybe it's the $1.85 cheap-o string of lights that was made by a minimum wage, undervalued employee with below-par materials but, hey, that would be crazy talk!! Crazy talk, I say!

Now the decorating. The kids helped me with the tree which made it even more fun.

Me: Who's pulling on the lights?!

Cherub child #2: It's her!, pointing his red-candy-colored finger at the youngest.

Cherub child #4: YIGHTS! MAMA!

One minute later....

Me: Doggonnit! How many times do I have to say don't pull on the lights! Do you want the tree to fall on you?

See, parents must find this therapeutic asking dumb questions. I think its a generational thing that happens at their child's birth and comes to full maturity in said parent once the children are at the age of reason. Something will just click in your head to tell you to point out a child's worst fear and then ask them if they would want that to happen.

Do you want your brother to fart on you?
Do you want the police to arrest mama because you wont wear your seatbelt?
Do you want your face to stick like that????
Do you want to lose a privilege??
See? Dumb questions.

Meanwhile....

Me: No pulling on the ornaments...

Cherub child #3: I didn't do it!

Cherub child #1: I didn't do it!

Cherub child #2: I didn't do it!

Cherub child #4: YIGHTS! MAMA!

Me: Where are the candy canes??

Cherub child #2 with sticky substance covering face and hands and color-coordinating tongue: Um......they..ummm. gone.

Me: Couldn't you have eaten the broken ones? You've had your candy today. Now we don't have any candy canes for the tree. Ellie, no ornaments in your nose. Here hang this.

Cherub child #3: That's my ornament!

Me: Where is your DAD!? Aiden, not all on one branch. Spread them out....

Cherub child#1: He went to buy new christmas lights. The ones in the attic were broken.

Cherub child #4: YIGHTS! MAMA!

Me: Fine. Who wants hot chocolate?

So, the positive side is I finished my finished Hallmark-card, making-Martha-proud, racking-up-the-light-bill, picturesque tree. It's so beautiful even a *Rabbi would cry in approval. Late last night, I put on some coffee and plunked myself down on my couch and watch the original "Miracle on 34th Street". Sitting there with my blanket, hot coffee and a classic Christmas movie...this is my favorite season!!

*Note: If by chance a Rabbi does read this or someone of Jewish tradition and/or extraction, please be aware that I have the utmost respect for Jewish culture and tradition as I would hope you feel the same about my Christmas tree. My comments are not meant as an insult nor should my comments EVER be taken seriously. (..well, not always. But only if I say, "no,...seriously") And besides, if you don't think that Christmas trees are beautiful and the coolest thing around this winter, well, that is too bad because I appreciate the fact that potato latkes are so darn good. Hmmm and especially with ketchup.