25 October 2014

Idiots Guide To Preparing For The Flu

It's very important to be prepared for anything. My purse is the mecca of natural disaster preparedness, chock full for every possible contingency. Safety pins, band-aids, hand sanitizer, lotion, bug spray, first aid, ibuprofen, nail clippers, tweezers..etc.

However, nothing in my purse can prepare anyone for the flu. This is where I come in. I've prepared a small checklist so you will be fully ready for anything flu-like that comes your way this winter season.

Set alarm clock in one hour intervals throughout the night. Turn off alarm at 3am. Stay wide-awake. Turn on TV, preferably Conan O'Brien reruns. Watch a heavily-edited episode of Sex and the City. Watch incredulously as the sound of infomercials on the Butt Zapper attempt to lull you back to sleep. Feel sleepy only when kids wake for school.

Get up in the morning and drink an entire bottle of Elmer's glue. Follow this by gargling a Big Gulp of glass shards. Follow with half a pot of coffee. Drive children to school. Look cheerful.

Go run a 5K after hand-unloading a truck full of gravel. Rest by lying down on your local highway. Truck ramp is best. Do not get up unless you are run over a minimum of three to four times. Smooth clothing and proceed to finish household chores.

Grab a handful of sandpaper from the workbench in the garage. Apply by rubbing vigorously to entire nose and lip area. Stop when bleeding occurs. Brush hair and put into ponytail. Apply chapstick. Reflect on how hot you look.

Go to Walmart or other drugstore and purchase as many over the counter medicines as legally possible. Visit several pharmacies if you score less than 10 boxes on your first attempt. Try not to look too guilty.

Procure an icepick, two if possible. Jam one in each ear, muffling sound effectively. Ask everyone, "What? I hab a cold." when they speak to you.

Go to garage and find the nearest tire pump. Shove end up nose as far as the pain will allow. Pump vigorously. Stop inflation only if pump breaks or you can no longer breathe.

Buy a disco lamp and install with 500 watt colored lights. Display strobe light show in bedroom. Point directly at your head for optimum retina exposure.

Purchase small ping hammer at hardware store. Use on upper molars twice a day. Make sure ice picks are still solidly in place. Tell everyone around you that you are finally feeling better.

Go to the grocery and buy soup, crackers, ginger ale, bread, and bananas. Bring home and dump out everything in toilet. Make yourself a cup of hot tea and a piece of toast. Eat nothing else for the rest of the day.

Get into shower. Refrain from using soap of any kind. Get into bed sopping wet with large brick of moldy Swiss cheese. Alternate turning on heat to 110 degrees and blowing AC. Read or watch TV while attempting to look comfortable.

Congratulations! You are now prepared for the flu.

~Bee (ironically) never gets a flu shot.

30 May 2014

I'm Considering Grandma's Percolator

Ever since pterodactylus were breakfasting on troglodytes and coffee bean bushes, coffee pot manufacturers designed spouts that invariably, faithfully, drippingly leak when coffee is poured.

Today mine did not. I think I broke the world.

The dilemma of Coffee Pot and newfangled Keurig reached new heights this week with a purchase of a second hand Keurig for $30 (score!). The reviews on Amazon, which I completely took as gospel truth, implied that these newish, single brew coffee makers are the cause of AIDS, tsunamis, and world hunger.

Translated: I had to buy one.

Rarely a day goes by without a cup of joe to start my day. I know, they all say it's bad for you to drink too much coffee. They also say it's good to "have a career" and "never shop on an empty stomach". What do they know? I went to school part-time for 5 years and have yet to embark on my career. I also had a $300 grocery bill last week, so there's that.

I contemplated buying a Keurig after using one at my optometrist's office. My eye doctor is very progressive regardless of continuing to offer eyeglass frames that went out of style back in 1976. Special order only because no one besides a death row inmate would wear them. Fashion aside, the receptionist told me how lovely her Keurig was and how much she saved by not throwing out leftover morning coffee every day.

Leftover coffee? I don't understand those words together.

Once I got the machine home, I realized that the K-cup coffee cartridges cost .50 a piece. Those little, disposable plastic containers are pre-filled with coffee and can get spendy. Further, if I wanted to save money and use my own coffee grounds instead of brewing gold dust, I needed to buy a reusable cartridge. Of course, back to Amazon I went to find they are about $10 and "break the needle gasket" or the sphincter valve causing a love for Neil Diamond songs on repeat and foster some overwhelming urges to donate to the endangered black-spotted yak fund at the grocery checkout. Amazon reviews don't lie.

I purchased a box of K-cups while shopping (hungry) at the grocery last week. I can see this is going over like a lead balloon which leads me back to my Mr Coffee drip coffee maker. The one with the spout that dribbles on the counter except when the planets are aligned and I break the world.

I just want an affordable cup of coffee that makes it in my mug. The pterodactylus' coffee bean bushes are looking like a viable option. (I bet he shopped at the Dino Grocery when he was hungry, too)


-Bee's best part of waking up is sleeping in
Listening to: Gravity by Trentemoller.