23 July 2009

Can It


I can have an adventure pretty much anywhere, but the grocery is practically Disneyland. When I pull into my grocery, I can't wait to buy, interact with others there, and effectively piss away half my paycheck. See? Disneyland. If the checkers donned mouse ears, I wouldn't know the difference.

What I can't understand is why people purchase things like this giant One Whole Chicken in A Can.


Who in their right mind thought this was a good idea? Were the Chicken Ready people all sitting around one day staring at a pile of over-sized juice cans, "What else can we stuff in here? Gee...I think a chicken would fit."

I thought you wouldn't believe me so I had to stop isle traffic while everyone stared at me taking a photo of this outstanding delicacy. I'm pretty sure it's the most disgusting thing I've seen on a shelf. Aside from tripe or pigs feet in a jar, it's right up there with the top 4.

I was told the can opens up and out comes a chicken in one gelatinous blob. Now that's gonna be tasty. Perfect for company or even Christmas dinners.

Chestnuts roasting on the open fire AND hot damn! A Whole Chicken in Can!

The one in the picture comes without the giblets. I'd hate to open up my Whole Chicken in a Can to find out I'd bought the kind with giblets. Wouldn't you? There has to be room in there for an ENTIRE chicken though, and when I pay for an entire chicken, it darn well better have the giblets, too.

And why not Two Whole Chickens In A Can? Sometimes people get hungry and One Chicken In A Can just won't do.

Another problem is that Whole Chicken In A Can doesn't mention whether this was beheaded chicken, or clawed and footed chicken.

I don't know how I will live on not knowing but I think I'll manage.

~Bee only eats canless chicken.

20 July 2009

I Should Have Entered The Bulwer Lytton Fiction Contest

As the big letters spelling PIE passed in front of her, filling her tri-toned windshield right before impact, her eyes couldn't help but catch a glimpse in the rear view mirror of how lovely she looked, face gently framed by her new No-Fade, No-Drip Revlon #184 hair color she had done herself thanks to Hair Hut Beauty Supply, only to be jerked back into a fearful reality by the inevitable prophetic absoluteness of her mother's voice that stuck in her head, "You better have on clean underwear if you ever get into an accident with Bradley Pie Truck".
~Jenn of Bee Repartee, safe driving, clean laundry wearing blogger.

For the 2009 Bulwer Lytton Fiction Contest winners click here.