what were you thinking?!

I had to post this....

I'm spring cleaning. Or summer cleaning. Something like that plus lots of laundry.

In the quest for livening the mundane chore of laundry I've unintentionally taken in more junk TV than a delayed airline passenger. I've also had some weird side effects that include purchasing a Kitchen Chopper and an even more unusual urge to pelt Daisy Fuentes with Pilates DVDs.

Yeah, I'll show you long and lean biceps.

With all this TV for brain food, I've discovered the Textile Mountains are disappearing at incredible rates. It's marvelous to finish the last of the kids clothes as you hear closing arguments of the unassuming, IQ challenged landlord on People's Court. This would be the individual who took the liberty of installing 'harmless' apartment cams unbeknownst to the former tenants. I'm positive the tenants would prefer to take the man outside and settle their differences with an aluminum bat. But, no one would get to see the ugly pictures of the defendant and plaintiff. Have you ever noticed the stills of these people look like they are in the middle of shock therapy?

Ah, Nothing like watching quality shows while separating the whites.

Speaking of shock therapy, you could imagine my shock coming out to this in my backyard from folding Mt. Laundry. This is why I had to post. I don't eeeeven want to know what the kids were thinking. Click on the picture to see this structurally sound idea in all it's glory.

Coffee Makes Me Horny. No. Not That Kind.

My funniest memory of adventures in my car....

I named my Honda Accord Cinderella because she was svelte and perfect. She had auto everything, cruise control, even control buttons on the steering wheel. I miss her still. But one incident with her... this is one that I chalk up to one of my Top Ten Most Embarrassing Moments.

In the late 1990s I was working at a bookstore in Colorado.(sounds like Harnes and Foble). I worked late shift part-time and supported my reading habits..

I usually finished my shift with sore feet, tired eyes, and late - near midnight. I was a bit tired but decided I could A) wreck on my way home or B) stop for a Starbuck's bottled coffee and be up for another few hours. No big deal. I'm a night owl so this was a good alternative to nodding off on the dark stretch of highway on the way home.

On this particular night, I left the grocery parking lot for home, bottled coffee in hand. Access roads to the highways were dark, just like the highway itself. No street lamps and no oncoming headlights. It was a good 10 minutes of country driving to home and just long enough time to get sleepy, That night the road was mine open an inky sky flecked with stars. to the lulling hum of the engine, ...and my bottled coffee,

Growing up as city girl, it took weeks of night driving to ignore the lack of headlights or any other drivers. You get used to it like prairie dogs all over the highway come spring, cattle guards, rail cars blocking traffic, or tractor combines on the road. You just learn to drive without street lamps.

I grabbed the coffee bottle and peeled off the wrapper, popping the lid while merging on the highway.

Clutch, shift, gas....don't spill. Such a smooth caffeine addict.

I looked in my rearview mirror, Car lights coming up on me. Yes! A Highway Buddy.It always made me feel a little safer with another car on the road but I still couldn't wait to get home.

Clutch, shift, gas....5th gear.

By this point, I was doing the octopus.

With my mind on my warm bed, I sipped my coffee and passed Highway Buddy in the fast lane. Just as I get past him, out of the blue, I was startled with a car horn blaring at me.

"BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE..........."

It continued on,

"BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE .....EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE......"

I immediately got sick to my stomach.

WHAT THE...

What is he doing?

I was right next to this car and they were speeding up to keep pace..Every weird thing went through my head.

I don't know them, do I?

Are my lights off?

Are they psycho?

Highway Buddy is mad at me and now he is going to ram me off the road.

I'm gonna die. I know it.

I'll be buried in a shallow grave off the highway like some lame USA Cable movie

DId I leave my purse on the roof again?

I did what any normal scared to death female driving alone on a deserted highway would do: I put my foot on the gas. I look over and cant see Highway Buddy at all. He still blared his horn at me, speeding up.

And then he kept pace.

"BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE..."

By this time, my life was flashing before me. I'm ready to put a spot on the front seat. Gathering the courage to look over and see glinting eyes looking back.

Lord help me, I have Jack the Ripper after me. I'M GONNA DIE!

.....EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!!!!!!!!!"

After about what seemed like 5 minutes of horn blaring, the noise abruptly stopped. Finally. My heart was racing and I punched it. I saw his lights in my rear view mirror and glanced down to see how fast I was going.

75mph. Awesome. Just. Get. Home.

Then I saw it, illuminated from the soft blue glow of my dashboard lights: my coffee bottle. In my tiredness and haste to get home, I managed to press my own Starbucks bottle against the horn button on my steering wheel.

I scared myself to death with my own horn.

I told Wayne about it and he honked longer than the damn horn did.

I wanted to die of embarrassment. Although, I bet you a Highway Buddy probably lost a day of his life in sheer fright.

He almost died at the hand of a horn-blaring Honda driver drinking a frappuccino.

~Bee does stupid things when she is tired.

That Guy

I was over at JLR's blog Impatient Chicken as of late. For some reason I am drawn to blogs of deadline driven, diploma bound students. Learning and books. Is there anything better?

I can relate, pounding out my own at-home college courses. It's never too late to go to school. I'm drawn to commiserating with others students who also have deadlines and consume enough coffee to bring about a world shortage.

JLR brought up in this post about That Guy in school. The one that stops class to comment, correct the teacher, or helpfully interject with nonsense, inadvertently bringing to light their blissful ignorance. All the while That Guy is trying to sound like the authority on the issue. He, or she, is in the same class as you are so why the superiority? You know who JLR is talking about...That Guy.

That Guy, I have found pops up everywhere. To irritate and annoy, that is his mission. Here are some prime examples of where I have seen or heard of That Guy just this week:

• That Guy at the Food Court in Target stores who takes a handful of self-serve drink lids, handling them sufficiently with questionably clean hands only to then put back all but one? Hey, That Guy! Wanna lick my lid and sneeze in my drink?

• That Guy at the gas pump who pulls up facing the hood of your car. The front. of your car. Like he is making a line. It's okay, I usually drive around in reverse.

• That Guy that evacuates everything south of his esophagus, wipes with the entire roll and doesn't flush at a public restroom . I'd clap and give you a sucker, but Im not done gagging yet.

• That Guy who passes gas in an elevator. Uncool. Never dutch oven an elevator. I dont want to smell the gasses that have been hugging your poo.

• That Guy who takes your order for a small fry and then asks, "Do you want fries with that?" No, thank you. I'll have fries instead.

• That Guy who is in line for a violent R movie..with his two children, 5 and 7 years old. You dont hire a babysitter because the theater is cheaper? Because children love nightmares?

• That Guy who, in this scenario, is ALWAYS A) male, B) a pubescent teenager, and C) the only checker to ring up your sanitary girl things. Look me in the eye. I double-dog dare you.

I shouldn't be so negative and should consider taking a different perspective on this. But from where I sit? The cup isn't half-full or half-empty, it just depends if That Guy touched the lid first.