Super Short Stories (Extended Edition)

I get a mental block sometimes on what I should write about. This week, I have a whole slough of stories so just pretend you are reading something like the Reader's Digest short stories but with more intrigue, more violence, and far more grammatical errors.

A few days ago, I was startled late at night by the unmistakably pungent smell of pot emanating into my apartment.

What? I don't do drugs, never have, but growing up in a legal medical marijuana state? I know how it smells. I do like the smell of a pipe, even clove ciggies, but I don't smoke.

I suspected I had accidentally left the burner on or something. I opened the front door and no one was there, but the smell....ugh. The smell was much stronger in the stairwell. I went from yuck to ticked off in a matter of seconds.

The smell had wafted up and permeated my obviously aesthetic weatherstripping on my front door. It could have come from the upstairs neighbors but I found rolling papers at the bottom of the stairs the next morning. If I smell it again, I'm going to resist the urge to eat an entire bag of Doritos and then I will yank out my fire extinguisher, hose them down until it's empty, and then beat them with the red tank.  I'll be able to plead insanity since I would technically be under the influence of second hand pot smoke.

Last weekend, my son found this video, and a few others, from Lego.com. I think we watched it about 20 times. "An Average Death Star Day". I found it on youtube, of course.

I've been losing weight since last year. I'd stopped losing for a while but now I'm losing again, blah blah blah ~glaze over~ so, that is how you change a tire.

Last, I had my kids at the Health Department and I think I caught a bug or something. Is it normal to feel like you've been run over by a mack truck? It's not a cold, but achy and headachy. Mr Coffee is coming home tomorrow for the weekend so I'll be getting reinforcements. I've really missed him, too.

Next post, I'll share with you the fun I had at the Health Department trying to get my kids immunized. Oh, and those round condom-shaped things in green wrappers on the front counters? NOT caramel green apple suckers. Please tell me, how would a child know this?

~Bee has a fire extinguisher next to the front door.

Chicklet Teeth

Who here has veneers or white composite fillings? Raise your hand.

I've had composite white fillings on my two front teeth since grade school. In the early 80's, composite white fillings for tooth repairs were a new and progressive idea. They were offered as an alternative to caps which are now no longer universally used. I've always had tooth issues as I chipped my teeth when I was 7 or 8 doing something really stupid.

Blanket on head + roller skates + in grass + charging into metal tree support = something really stupid.

Before you rush off to get that Gary Busey chicklet smile, white composite material isn't what it's cracked up to be, pun intended. I've discovered it's $$ for white composite fillings and $$$$$ for veneers.

No one tells you that composite fillings chip off or break every 6 to 8 years. And they do. I had one just crack off my tooth from drinking water that was too cold. I drink my weight in coffee but have had to kiss iced drinks goodbye. Maybe the materials are different now. The cost certainly hasn't gone down.

I do know for a fact that composites cannot be whitened. If your composites are not over all of your teeth, you must pay to maintain a uniform color. Loosely translated, there are two options: Stay with normal tooth color for your composite fillings and never whiten, or pay to have all your teeth whitened and maintained. You can also whiten your teeth but you'll look like a reverse fluoride overdose with white teeth and darkened spots.

I chipped my tooth a few months back and have put off the dentist for a while with Mr Coffee out of town so much this summer. I bit the bullet and went into a recommended dentist to make my appointment. She asked for my insurance.

"This will be out of pocket," I cringed at the thought of the bill.

She smiled, "No problem, we do have financing available." She pushed a pamphlet toward me.

I took the glossy pamphlet albeit, reluctantly. Financing could only translate, 'bend over and grab your ankles'.

"Could you tell me what kind of cost I would be expecting? I can't write off a $500 check without some kind of warning." I giggled, hoping to sound less pathetically broke. I'm fairly certain it didn't work although, asking for what someone will charge you for a service is not unreasonable.

How often do you just load up your grocery cart and say to the checker, "Hey! Charge me whatever you feel like".  Or perhaps slap your wallet down and tell the cashier, "Help yourself!"

My mechanic does estimates, why does the dentist, or any doctor for that matter, have to be difficult?

She looked at me and threw up her hands, "I couldn't tell you what kind of work they will do, but x-rays and consultation will be...um, tops? $115 dollars and then if you want to proceed with the work, they will tell you the cost at that time."

I gulped and looked down at the pamphlet. The dentist in the glossy picture smiled back. He looked younger than me. I'm sure he was quite capable although, I wanted to scissor-kick his perfectly white, straightened teeth.

What I didn't understand was that he wanted me to pay him $115 for something I could show him with an open mouth and an index finger. Then again, who is the smart one here? The patient who pays to have the doctor prod around in my mouth with a metal tool and say, "Don't put metal things in your mouth."

If the dentist needs an x-ray to see my chipped tooth, a front tooth at that, then he's pretty much a blind extortionist. Do I want to pay through the nose to have a blind dentist fixing my tooth? I have no other choice than to pay, because other dentists I checked with would do the same. Have you seen billy bob teeth?

Yeah, I don't think so.

For the second time in 10 years, next week I have an appointment to get my tooth fixed by Mr Young Blind Dentist, DMD. I'm also considering changing my college career path to dentistry. I won't have my sight but at least I can retire early.

~Bee currently does not have a Colgate smile.
Listening To: Fergalicious by Fergie

I'm Going To Write A Dumb Song About Lice

You can see what I've been up to lately. I wish I couldn't see the other thing I've been up to.

Two words with a huge amount of work behind it.

Head Lice. HEAD. LICE.

God Bless the public school system and parents who don't have the brains to say,

"Hey, my kids have lice and your daughter had a sleep over last weekend. You might want to check her head."

How hard is that?! Apparently it's more impossible than,say....

"I'm lazy and am too busy to care about infecting your kids with gross, disgusting little buggers. Cleanliness has nothing to do with it, but I wouldn't know because again, I'm too busy to care. I'm not about to tell you my kids have a nasty parasite that could have been transferred to your daughter, because by golly, that might make me look bad."

So, this week I'm single-handedly keeping RID Lice Shampoo people in business. I have a lot of laundry to do normally but this? Holy Tide, Batman. A family of six makes one gigantic pile of laundry when it all has to be done at once. Tonight I was sorting through it all and I came down off the top of the mountain with frost on my head.


~Bee needs more dryer sheets

Al Gore Never Wore A Cupcake Backpack

I have more plans to get out this summer. The kids are home from school, full of energy and ready to go all the time. Why is it that during the school year I can get up at the crack of dawn and yet, a week into summer vacation I can sleep until 10am if they let me. I only wish I could bottle a fraction of the kids' energy and save some for myself.

All the parents say, "Amen!"

On Monday, I decided to reduce my carbon footprint and take a green, earth-friendly walk down to the store with the kids. Fresh air and a good two mile stretch of the legs seemed a good idea, right? Even the youngest, who is 5 can do it. I believe if you can walk the mall with your kids for half a day, then they are perfectly able to walk two whole miles.

One would think from all the bike lanes, that there would be sidewalks along some of the roads we took. They were far and few between, even as we passed the kids school there were more bike lanes than sidewalk. I couldn't believe how many people would roar past in their vehicles. I guess "When Children Are Present" means, "Only If It's Convenient".

The kids were pooped by the time we got to the store. The 5 year old claimed the shopping buggy and started breathing like she was dying. I managed to nurse life into them by resting in the deli and feeding them Lunchables and bottles of water. Lunchables have lots of sodium, so it was good for hydration. I opted for an iced coffee al la Starbucks while thanking God for the people at New Balance who make walking shoes you could marry (but only in Connecticut, New York, and California).

I crammed everyone's backpack with groceries for the trip home. Within two blocks, the 5 year old was declaring she could not go on, in her dramatic-arm-draping-forehead sort of way. I was already carrying the bear's share of the grocery load along with my purse slung over the top of me. I threw her backpack over my shoulders. I knew I'd get laughed at by passing drivers.

*Click photo to enlarge*
Cell phone used to show how big
that thing really is.

I did get laughed at. Cupcakes are apparently hawt and funny.

Plodding along, I was quietly cursing my decision making skills. The 82 degrees pushed us home and the blazing sun made me look more like a sweaty mountain goat than someone doing good things for the environment.

Seriously, I looked incredible. I was yelling at the boys to slow down, and mascara dripping down to my chin. I had four kids ahead of me. My oldest limping from blisters. My damp hair in a sweaty beet red face, and my cupcake backpack boldly trumpeting the latest in motherly fashions.

CURSE YOU, GLOBAL WARMING! CURSE YOOOOOOOOOOOOU!

I promised the kids we'd go swimming when we were just blocks from the apartment. The youngest gained a newfound strength and took over as point man, while booking down the road at a breakneck walk. I nearly dislocated my tomatoes trying to keep up.

Completely unrelated I have to show you my new red shiny shoes. These are so cute, I couldn't help but post them. Talk amongst yourselves....I'll be back after I leave my carbon footprint planted in Mother Nature's backside because next time? I'm driving.

*

Gluten. It's What's For Dinner

Summertime is upon us with only two more half-days of school. This means my days will be soaking up sun at the pool. I hope to do more outdoors this year for the kids sake. The pool will be well used, I'm just saying...

Today is uneventful. I'm thinking of taking a book and hanging out in the school parking lot. Twittering from my phone is also fun. I get some good ideas for writing, although I've heard Stephen King once say that if you can't remember your brilliant post idea a day later (let alone hours), then it wasn't worth writing in the first place.

I don't care for the horror genre, but as a brilliant seasoned writer? He has a very astute point.

In other news, I purchased a Diabetic Cookbook. My reason for buying it was the pictures, especially the giant piece of chocolate cake on the front. I'm not diabetic, and I have NEVER done the diet thing. Except for the carb free one, whereas by the end of the day I was ready to eat a FedEx box if someone told me it was a carb. Carb free diets encourage insulin resistance (aka diabetes or diabetic-like symptoms) and seeing I'm fond of my liver, my carb free diet took only one day to ditch.

Also Dr Atkins died clinically obese. I'd say his demise is proof in the pudding substitute.

I love Barnes and Noble (I've worked for them in the past...Borders, too) You could not fathom the plethora of books on Gluten Free diets. Granted some need to eat this way for medical reasons. But for those who willingly cut out dairy, meat, carbs, and gluten? I'd lose it and end up scrounging in the fridge and polishing off the condiments after my daily pot of coffee.

I do grow my own tomatoes and herbs. That's the extent of my voluntary food snobbery.

The truth is, I need carbs. I need gluten. I have no idea what exactly gluten is except a wheat product. I just don't see the sense in eliminating entire chunks of food groups. In light of this I shall leave you with my own revamped version of the food pyramid. Hey, it's what's for dinner.

**Please click to enlarge**

Do I Look Five To You?

Tanning Girl says, "Tanning can help rid yourself of acne and eczema. It's relaxing and can give you that sun-kissed look year round!" However.....


Tanning Girl says, "Your tooth will fall out and your face will stick this way if you do not wear protective eye gear and some kind of sun screen.



Tanning Girl additionally cautions, "If you wear protective eye gear you will still get massive sun damage. You will also get crabs from the tanning bed and athlete's foot in your nether regions while imprinting cancer straight into your cells. You will be bald from chemo by 35 but you will look hawt like Paris Hilton for the years preceding your impending death."




Tanning Girl says, "Scrub that when I can do this to you for free as long as you wear your meals for the day on your shirt and can claim to be a "Blue Spotted Snow Leopard".



Tanning Girl says, ".....a Blue Spotted Snow Leopard, either that or Tommy Boy."


~Bee thinks it's hard to take a straight or focused picture when you are laughing so hard.

Tire for Your Thoughts?

Today I went to Tire Mega Warehouse. No, my tire shop is not Tire Mega Warehouse, but if I tell you what the name is, you would attempt to call each and every location to hunt me down, I just know it. You'd find out that I was the woman who brought in the 1996 Ford Windstar that smelled like old coffee and needed the original struts and Uncle Buck shocks replaced.

If you do not know what Uncle Buck shocks are, feast your eyeballs on this youtube beauty. It's one of my favorite laugh out loud 80's movies.



After only an hour and forty-five minutes, they extracted the offending nail from the back tire. I can't imagine what took so long. The only other guy that was 'ahead' of me in line was irritated that it was taking so long and was pacing like mad. He must have argued with the front desk three times. The squeaky wheel doesn't always get the grease. Apparently, it waits forever in the tire store bay.

I contemplated many things while I sat and waited.

•I was put on this planet to help other people build character.

•I wonder why people think a lift kit on a mini van is remotely a good thing.

•The virtual wheels computer program makes me laugh when I put giant spinners and 22's on my virtual van.

•Why does the popcorn taste so good in the tire store?

•I'm glad I brought my own coffee.

•If you act rude to customer service, they don't work faster and may perhaps, use your vehicle for training purposes.

•Which reminds me, if you had your head up your nether regions, there are benefits. 1)You would never have cold ears, 2)wouldn't worry about bad hair days, 3)could yell at anyone and never upset a soul and lastly, the bright side? You could perform your own colonoscopies for free.

•If you unwedged properly, you wouldn't have to worry about regularity any more, your head would stink and yes, you would look like Gollum for a few days.

•I've got to stop four-wheeling over construction sites in my van.

•My four year old loves the fact I carry around a lot of change.

•We both like vending machine Jelly Bellys.

•I have to buy struts, shocks, and tires AND get an alignment after I sell my organs on craigslist.

•I am glad I walked this morning.

•I can't wait for more entries to my 3rd Annual Mullet Photo Contest!

•When was the last time I blogged?

Now you know.