09 July 2009

Gonorrhea, Neighbors, and Berry Picking

For the love of all that is holy. I have to do another post in this lifetime so you can see what kind of shenanigans I am up to.

I bought a book on how to write. I know I can string a group of coherent phrases together that sound remotely intelligent however this is a book for a REAL writer. Not bloggers like me who have appeared to have fallen into the Grand Canyon on their last vacation.

Okay, not really. I didn't go on vacation. Unless you call endless days at the pool getting skin cancer a vacation.

Where was I? Book...

SOooo this book is supposed to make me a DF Wallace, Agatha Christie, Edith Wharton brilliant writer. I dove into the chapters and am attempting to do their exercises to beef up my sentence structure with.

Haha, I just ended my sentence with a preposition just to see if you noticed.

I remember growing up, and being the homeschool prodigy I am, I can recall with crystal clarity my mom taking every opportunity to keep my English in check. She would ask me to slow down, speed up, or "diagram that sentence" when I'd try to explain something to her. The thing is, I am a horrible excuse of a linguist when I get excited. My brain is sprinting to the end of my story and between my vocal cords going awol and being excessively tongue-tied, I simply can't keep up.

Well, now there is a book for that but diving into their word building and sentence structuring, the book should have been named, "If You Want To Feel Like The Writer Equivalent of a Mouth-Breather, Buy This Book".

So that's coming along nicely.

Need I say more? We are going to be van shopping soon. Not because I want a car payment but because if we steal one, we go to jail. Repair is no longer an option for the Ford "Windstop" but I've been thinking. I think I'm changing my major to auto repair because auto shops make bank. I'm going to have to ebay one of my kidneys soon or set my van on fire and claim my insurance check. Ha. Ha. Just kidding Insurance People, I'd roll it off a cliff.

Safety first, kids.

We've all done the digital switch and only one TV in the family room has a digital tuner. Im going to throw it away because I don't watch TV anyway. Our humble mud shanty just got electricity and running water, so I'm not holding my breath for cable any time soon. We haven't missed the TV, in fact, it's been weeks since I've watched anything. I know I haven't missed much but I do like watching Entertainment Tonight to see who's dropped dead lately or to hear of my favorite little city.

Welcome to Insanity Town. Population: Robert Pattinson.

Like who wouldn't wanna go there? Teens are getting pregnant just thinking about him. Gay women are going straight. Grown women are mailing panties to his house. God Bless Entertainment Tonight for letting me know.

As for dead people and Hollywood? They are dead. It's sad, but we are all dying so lets get on to other important things, like taking the kids berry picking this weekend or setting the van on fire.

I did it as a kid and it's pretty much a rite of passage in my family. We'd go berry picking and on the sweaty drive home stop for our Big Gulp and have a car sing-a-long. This is where we learned all 11 verses of Oh My Darlin' Clementine. Which by all right is a morbid song about a Gold miner, '49er who loses his love when she drowns and then all is set to right when he kisses her little sister.

Dear God, people! This is supposed to be a kids song. Wait till we start on the one about the neighbor with the friendly gonorrhea and how we die in a zombie apocalypse.

This weekend is berry picking. It's the All American past-time for people who can't afford to shop at Safeway and apparently its more health conscious than meeting the neighbors. I might make some freezer jam on Saturday if I can swing it. Otherwise, we'll be at the pool afterward getting cancer with Dapoppins and her kids.

With our Big Gulps.

Singing Oh My Darlin' Clementine. And What's A Little STD Between Neighbors.

I just made that up.

~Bee will sing all 11 verses at her van's funeral.


The Superfluous Blogger said...

we are a one tv house, by choice. there is another tv in the house that i'm looking after for a gone-to-australia-for-a-year friend, but it is unplugged, and holding down one side of the piano. it is by far my favorite of the two tvs.

Globegirl said...

Hahaha! We might have to go again with Danielle when I come home next month, but it won't be the same without the green station wagon to cart us. At least you guys aren't getting up at 3am like we did in the glory days. Be sure to tell them how much Auntie Sheeberry sucked at picking berries and how much I hated it!

I am sure the kids will quickly grow to hate you if you make them pick strawberries. You can threaten to make then do it as a punishment every summer. "Knock that off right now or you're picking Strawberrys tomorrow!"

Strawbs are way overrated in my book. Any food you have to wrestle slugs for while bending over for hours on end while you sunburn to a fiery red crisp is not worth it in my book.

Have fun, kids!

Heffalump said...

I worked picking berries as a teenager. I think I was only about 14. It was before I was supposed to be allowed to work, but somehow child labor picking berries in a field was legal. We got paid by the flat...so I didn't make so much. It was fun throwing the rotten ones at my sister though! Rotten strawberries make a satisfying splat when you throw them.
We don't get TV at all, and don't really miss it. We just watch DVDs instead.

Gwynne said...

My brother's family just returned from a day of berry picking, $90 poorer for the 30 pounds of blueberries they picked! Hope your day was less expensive. ;-)

krok996 said...

Hey Sport,

I hope your classes are going well.

I would think now would be a good time to buy a GM van, good luck with that. I just purchased a Honda Fury bike, I know it's not the real thing but neither am I.

I started bleaching my hiney just in case I get in a wreck.

I hope you are doing well.

krok2251 said...

One other thing Sport, I don't see any comments from Doozie. Is she OK?

Bee said...

Hey, sweet thang, it's been a while but I'm doing well. School is good...start back in the fall. Dooz is alive and well. She shut down her blog a few months back, but who knows. Hiney bleaching only works if you don't wreck wearing skiddy knickers. Hey, are you blogging again?

$15 and half a doz quarts of freezer jam. Yum!

See? What do I tell you? It's a rite of passage.

Do poor boys don't need electronics to make no rock n' roll? Oh yes, poor boy got boogie woogie deep down in his soul.

Now if it could only vacuum AND hold down the piano...

sarahgrace said...

Is that how you spell "shenanigans" because I can never get it right! (I guess so, it didn't put the dreaded red wavy line under it.)
I forgot what I was going to say... (placenta brain is not helping me out.)

But have fun writing, I think you've already got the chops for sure, hope you are able to get a lovely working van (and/or suburban or something) (oh, and my BIL is a mechanic, so I know what you mean about having to sell your kidney to afford to fix your car!) and berry picking sounds like a lot of fun. Sitting by the pool would be, if I didn't have 3 young children who don't have an appropriate fear of water, and all think they can swim really well. :)

Jaina said...

I of course now have the whole 5 words I know of that song running through my head. Quick, someone sing something else. Anything else. Lol. Have fun at the pool! ;)

Thru a Tori-lens said...

Ha! I vote for the cliff (rather than the fire). Fire is too... traceable.

Didn't know you were homeschooled... very cool. :)

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"One ought, every day at least, to hear a little song, read a good poem, see a fine picture, and if it were possible, to speak a few reasonable words."

~Johann Wolfgang von Goethe