For the love of all that is holy. I have to do another post in this lifetime so you can see what kind of shenanigans I am up to.
BOOKS MAKE YOU SMART BUT ONLY IF YOU AREN'T ALREADY REALLY DUMB.
I bought a book on how to write. I know I can string a group of coherent phrases together that sound remotely intelligent however this is a book for a REAL writer. Not bloggers like me who have appeared to have fallen into the Grand Canyon on their last vacation.
Okay, not really. I didn't go on vacation. Unless you call endless days at the pool getting skin cancer a vacation.
Where was I? Book...
SOooo this book is supposed to make me a DF Wallace, Agatha Christie, Edith Wharton brilliant writer. I dove into the chapters and am attempting to do their exercises to beef up my sentence structure with.
Haha, I just ended my sentence with a preposition just to see if you noticed.
I remember growing up, and being the homeschool prodigy I am, I can recall with crystal clarity my mom taking every opportunity to keep my English in check. She would ask me to slow down, speed up, or "diagram that sentence" when I'd try to explain something to her. The thing is, I am a horrible excuse of a linguist when I get excited. My brain is sprinting to the end of my story and between my vocal cords going awol and being excessively tongue-tied, I simply can't keep up.
Well, now there is a book for that but diving into their word building and sentence structuring, the book should have been named, "If You Want To Feel Like The Writer Equivalent of a Mouth-Breather, Buy This Book".
So that's coming along nicely.
I LOATHE MY VAN
Need I say more? We are going to be van shopping soon. Not because I want a car payment but because if we steal one, we go to jail. Repair is no longer an option for the Ford "Windstop" but I've been thinking. I think I'm changing my major to auto repair because auto shops make bank. I'm going to have to ebay one of my kidneys soon or set my van on fire and claim my insurance check. Ha. Ha. Just kidding Insurance People, I'd roll it off a cliff.
Safety first, kids.
TVS ARE DEPRESSING
We've all done the digital switch and only one TV in the family room has a digital tuner. Im going to throw it away because I don't watch TV anyway. Our humble mud shanty just got electricity and running water, so I'm not holding my breath for cable any time soon. We haven't missed the TV, in fact, it's been weeks since I've watched anything. I know I haven't missed much but I do like watching Entertainment Tonight to see who's dropped dead lately or to hear of my favorite little city.
Welcome to Insanity Town. Population: Robert Pattinson.
Like who wouldn't wanna go there? Teens are getting pregnant just thinking about him. Gay women are going straight. Grown women are mailing panties to his house. God Bless Entertainment Tonight for letting me know.
As for dead people and Hollywood? They are dead. It's sad, but we are all dying so lets get on to other important things, like taking the kids berry picking this weekend or setting the van on fire.
DID YOU SAY BERRY PICKING?
I did it as a kid and it's pretty much a rite of passage in my family. We'd go berry picking and on the sweaty drive home stop for our Big Gulp and have a car sing-a-long. This is where we learned all 11 verses of Oh My Darlin' Clementine. Which by all right is a morbid song about a Gold miner, '49er who loses his love when she drowns and then all is set to right when he kisses her little sister.
Dear God, people! This is supposed to be a kids song. Wait till we start on the one about the neighbor with the friendly gonorrhea and how we die in a zombie apocalypse.
This weekend is berry picking. It's the All American past-time for people who can't afford to shop at Safeway and apparently its more health conscious than meeting the neighbors. I might make some freezer jam on Saturday if I can swing it. Otherwise, we'll be at the pool afterward getting cancer with Dapoppins and her kids.
With our Big Gulps.
Singing Oh My Darlin' Clementine. And What's A Little STD Between Neighbors.
I just made that up.
~Bee will sing all 11 verses at her van's funeral.