19 April 2009

Aquaman and Underroos

For those of you who don't know me, I'm a Smallville fan.

It started with Dapoppins asking me why I didn't watch Smallville. She knew I loved Superman and a good story. I blame her.

Ever since I was a young girl I had this thing for the Justice League, especially Aquaman. At the tender age of 8, I realized that Aquaman was it for me with his dreamy, wavy, yellow hair and crystal blue eyes. Then he did me dirty. He went and got married to that...Mera tart.

I hate women named Mera Man. Or is that Mrs. Aqua? I don't know but I hate her.

All that was left was my 8yr old, soggy, unrequited love.

Then Christopher Reeve came on the scene in 1977. AquaMan who? Who could resist a guy that bench pressed helicopters and builds a house from a small stick made out of ice?

It wasn't until my pre-teen years that he suddenly had all these muscles and dimples. Where did those come from?! 

I know, I know, it's just comic books. People say that like, "Hey, its just random patterned baldness." No big deal. Get me to the geekery.

Geeking out in the modern day/age has many more benefits than before. The contemporary geek has more tools at their disposal. This is beyond the poster or the lunch pail. We have IMDB, online chatrooms, forums, conventions, wallpaper, yahoo groups, video games, clothing, screen names, tattoos, bumper stickers, facebook pages, twitter shipping, and a world of comics to fuel the modern enthusiast.

I can't wait for Superman underroos for adults. It's only a matter of time.

~Bee wants hers in 37T.

08 April 2009

Complexities of Vehicular Malevolence

Some days are worth pondering the complexities in life. Like why my kids can't turn off a bedroom light or why the lady at the DMV looks one day away from a murder trial.

However, today I ponder even greater signs and wonders. I recently noticed a bumper sticker on my commute to school. The bumper sticker proudly states: "Bad a$$ girls drive bad a$$ toys"

I've been thinking about it for the last three weeks. The day I saw said sticker, I made a huge mental post-it of the car and in my ridiculous whirring in my head I asked myself, "Self? How bad or evil does your backside have to be when you drive a Yaris?

Is this statement only true for a Yaris car model? Do badasses drive other makes and models? Does then the villainy extend upwards to your colon or does corruption only centralize sphinctorially? Does it stop at the duodenum or closer to your appendix? One must know these things.

I'm thinking perhaps anal atrocities do not stop at the colon only because spastic colon is also particularly evil and can result with a girl even more bad. However, if a woman was involved in a freak industrial accident and was stuck with a colostomy bag and no arms to drive, does this suddenly make her the milk toast of all wickedness?

When "bad ass girls" drive something other than a Yaris, is it universally acknowledged that she will still maintain her vileness? I would gather, her hindquarters must be exceptionally wicked (or less so) depending on the make and model of her car.

Girls, I suggest arsiness, badness, and corruption is based on a sliding scale of vehicular malevolence. If you do not own a car, or perhaps just have a driving permit, this scale would not apply. Logic dictates that your debauchery only starts after you've passed your driving test at the DMV. It's rumored they've written a booklet if you are willing to wait in line for 3 hours to get it. I am not willing, but if someone can confirm? I'd be so obliged.

Back to the bumper sticker...sooo, translation? You are only as "bad" as the car you drive. Really, I am not making this up.

In the spirit of things, I've taken the liberty of drawing up a such a scale with equal grievances for comparison. The scale is actual size and is as factual as your 4th grade diary you once hid in your underwear drawer.

The Grand Scale of Vehicle Badness:

Sheer debauchery, equal to patrons who talk in the movie theater, muffin top bikinis, not scooping your dogs poop, big 80s hair, and talking to a stranger in the public bathroom stall next to you.

99.9% Sinister evil, equal to cell phones at a funeral that ring "Another One Bites The Dust", eating grapes without paying, one-ply toilet paper, talking about your reoccurring yeast infections openly in a medical terminology class, using acronyms like "OMG" in spoken conversation.

Near moral depravity, aka socks with flip flops, stealing bank pens, hooking up your grandma on match.com, wearing turtleneck dickies that hide muffin neck (akin to muffin top), snoring in church.

Serious wickedness, not to exclude using plastic bags at the grocery, paying for Starbucks coffee in quarters, women with mustaches or braided armpit hair.

Small iniquities. Cutting in line at Disneyland, eating gluten, having over 15 items in the quick check out lane, wearing white after Labor Day.

Badness is hardly in your vocabulary, you try on shoes without socks on, use tester makeup at the store, eat one whole chicken in a can.

Wishing for badness, burns mix tapes, drinks Coke with vitamins, keeps 50 key chains on keyring, uses the terms, "terlit" and "yousta could".

Badness is leaving the building, still plays with Care Bears, forgets to feed houseplants, reuses tea bags, squeezes the Charmin, has VPL (visible panty lines).

Void of all wickedness, drinks instant Yuban coffee, tapes Saved By The Bell reruns on VHS, has Beiber poster on bedroom wall, watches golf on TV, owns florescent-colored banana clips from 1983 garage sale.

So before you run out believing this bumper sticker will fit all types of vehicle, make sure you own a Yaris. Apparently, they are the height of badassery.

~Bee was not talking about a donkey this whole time.

05 April 2009

Yams Are Funny

I like to make my dollar stretch. So when I see a Super Saver Mom on the news buying a shopping cart full of groceries for under $4 I'm naturally skeptic and intrigued. Do I have to buy the bark toilet paper and canned yams because I never leave the store with organic produce and salmon for under a hundred bucks. I'd love to know what's in that lady's cart.

Now that better weather is soon to be upon us, I thought it would be nice to get a zoo membership. A friend of mine told me of reciprocal memberships years ago, for museums, zoos, or aquariums. Since many museums honor each others memberships, I save and we can still have our local museum membership.

There can be a catch, with museums dropping from the program, only allowing half price discounts instead of free entrance, or admission only discounts (not for extra events). I recommend doing your homework first and call before you go.

Here are a few sites for organizations with reciprocal memberships.

Associations of Zoos and Aquariums

North American Reciprocal Museum

Association of Science Technology Centers Passport Program
This one has museums listed for all over the world!

Smithsonian Scientific Diving Reciprocity
This one is for if you are a scuba diver and want to go on a scientific dive. SO cool.

See? There are easier ways to stretch your dollar than sandpapering your bum or yamming your family to death. Yes, I said yamming.

~Bee thinks yams are funny