18 February 2006

Coffee Makes Me Horny. No. Not That Kind.

My funniest memory of adventures in my car....

I named my Honda Accord Cinderella because she was svelte and perfect. She had auto everything, cruise control, even control buttons on the steering wheel. I miss her still. But one incident with her... this is one that I chalk up to one of my Top Ten Most Embarrassing Moments.

In the late 1990s I was working at a bookstore in Colorado.(sounds like Harnes and Foble). I worked late shift part-time and supported my reading habits..

I usually finished my shift with sore feet, tired eyes, and late - near midnight. I was a bit tired but decided I could A) wreck on my way home or B) stop for a Starbuck's bottled coffee and be up for another few hours. No big deal. I'm a night owl so this was a good alternative to nodding off on the dark stretch of highway on the way home.

On this particular night, I left the grocery parking lot for home, bottled coffee in hand. Access roads to the highways were dark, just like the highway itself. No street lamps and no oncoming headlights. It was a good 10 minutes of country driving to home and just long enough time to get sleepy, That night the road was mine open an inky sky flecked with stars. to the lulling hum of the engine, ...and my bottled coffee,

Growing up as city girl, it took weeks of night driving to ignore the lack of headlights or any other drivers. You get used to it like prairie dogs all over the highway come spring, cattle guards, rail cars blocking traffic, or tractor combines on the road. You just learn to drive without street lamps.

I grabbed the coffee bottle and peeled off the wrapper, popping the lid while merging on the highway.

Clutch, shift, gas....don't spill. Such a smooth caffeine addict.
I looked in my rearview mirror, Car lights coming up on me. Yes! A Highway Buddy.It always made me feel a little safer with another car on the road but I still couldn't wait to get home.

Clutch, shift, gas....5th gear.

By this point, I was doing the octopus.

With my mind on my warm bed, I sipped my coffee and passed Highway Buddy in the fast lane. Just as I get past him, out of the blue, I was startled with a car horn blaring at me.


It continued on,


I immediately got sick to my stomach.

What is he doing?

I was right next to this car and they were speeding up to keep pace..Every weird thing went through my head.

I don't know them, do I?
Are my lights off?
Are they psycho?
Highway Buddy is mad at me and now he is going to ram me off the road.
I'm gonna die. I know it.
I'll be buried in a shallow grave off the highway like some lame USA Cable movie
DId I leave my purse on the roof again?

I did what any normal scared to death female driving alone on a deserted highway would do: I put my foot on the gas. I look over and cant see Highway Buddy at all. He still blared his horn at me, speeding up.

And then he kept pace.


By this time, my life was flashing before me. I'm ready to put a spot on the front seat. Gathering the courage to look over and see glinting eyes looking back.

Lord help me, I have Jack the Ripper after me. I'M GONNA DIE!


After about what seemed like 5 minutes of horn blaring, the noise abruptly stopped. Finally. My heart was racing and I punched it. I saw his lights in my rear view mirror and glanced down to see how fast I was going.

75mph. Awesome. Just. Get. Home.

Then I saw it, illuminated from the soft blue glow of my dashboard lights: my coffee bottle. In my tiredness and haste to get home, I managed to press my own Starbucks bottle against the horn button on my steering wheel.

I scared myself to death with my own horn.

I told Wayne about it and he honked longer than the damn horn did.

I wanted to die of embarrassment. Although, I bet you a Highway Buddy probably lost a day of his life in sheer fright.

He almost died at the hand of a horn-blaring Honda driver drinking a frappuccino.

~Bee does stupid things when she is tired.


That Janie Girl said...

That's freaking hilarious!! I can just see you doing that.

Blank said...

That sounds like something I would do. Hilarious.

Jo Beaufoix said...

Hee hee, that is something I would do. I be he nearly pooped in his pants, and by pants I do not mean trousers. :D

holly said...

i would so totally never do that. i would never ever say "mmmm coffee"...

now tea - a good strong tea might make me honk my horn accidentally. no, it wouldn't. the horn is in an awkward unfunny place.

you always make me laugh, bee. you rock.

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