31 May 2007

Magneto of the Road

I'm a magnet.

A road rage, idiot driver magnet. This is why I don't have a Christian Fish on my car. THEE very reason.

I know, you think I am being harsh and condescending? I've had two bloggers ride with me on separate occasions and have witnessed said magnetic truths. It's a problem and because of it, I am very, very careful. Knock on wood, I have never had an accident and only once 8 years ago I got a speeding ticket rolling along with traffic.

I'm a defensive, careful driver, but not an aggressive driver. There is a difference. Defensive means you look beyond your hood when you drive, noticing what other traffic is doing. Aggressive is Psycho Driver lady who I had the misfortune of encountering this morning.

This Psycho Driver dropped off kids at my children's school, sped out of the carpool lane angry about her kids getting out slow, or the driver in front of her..or her pantyhose was too tight. I don't know. She was angry about something because I could see her hands waving at her kids. She bolts off the driveway end, driving too fast in a school zone, and by the time I got down to the light safely and stopped behind her, I figure I must have stopped too close to the woman. At least, that's the only thing I could think of that set her off this way. She then started hand gesturing and yelling at me in her driver's side mirror.

What the???

At first I think that I have a flat. But the finger comes out and it's not mine, nor is it the International Sign of Friendliness...and she certainly wasn't saying she was number one.

I ignore it. It's the smartest thing to do.

I've got my four year old in the van and once the light turns green she gets about two car lengths out of the intersection and slams on her breaks. She is trying to get me to rear end her.

That's it. I'm ticked now.

You can call me every name in the book, hand gestures, etc.. but if you endanger my daughter and I will activate your dental insurance (because we all know that is What Jesus Would Do). I blare my horn and I get over into the slow lane, away from Psycho Driver. She slows down to my rate of speed, rolls down the passenger window and starts screaming obscenities at me from the fast lane. I'm looking at her like, "WHAT THE HECK????"

I can hear her screaming with the back vent window open. I don't roll my window down and come to almost a complete stop (no traffic behind me). I need her to go away. I want to go Twanda on her but my daughter's safety is my first priority. Then she pulls into the left turn lane. With no one behind me, I pull in somewhat behind her and get her plate number as she speeds (and I mean speeds) off.

It was the rare time I didn't take my cell, but I got home and reported her to the authorities. You just never know what kind of wackjobs are out there....and I don't even live in Florida. (Sorry Lazy Iguanamano) Little does Black SUV, WA plate 143*** know that I have good friends in law enforcement. I also just heard of the website RoadRagers.com where you can report it, just FOR FUN!!

I keep thinking today how ignorant you have to be to slam on your breaks and endanger lives this way. Angry about something, she wanted to teach me a lesson. Well, I didn't get it. I'm even more sad that this woman actually has children...that go to my kids' school. I just hope she doesn't cause any problems, I'd hate to have to use my Ninja skills in front of the kids. I just knew they'd come in handy.

30 May 2007

Pool Etiquette

I keep meaning to post my latest outings with the kids so, today you get lucky.

Don't you feel lucky? Gee, I sure do.

This week, I've been at our pool. I read that moderate swimming is as good as walking 4 mph. Good exercise! This is a good thing for me. I'm even starting to tan despite my Irish heritage. I just hope freckles never go out of style.

Speaking of style, I've seen a deplorable lack of it at the pool. I know these apartments have full length mirrors, so there should be no excuses. I've never been afraid of swimsuits (I used to model them) so I don't mind swimsuit shopping and getting some exercise. With that said, I recommend some decorum if you do venture out this year to the pool.

If you have to squeeze yourself into a two-piece, this not the suit for you. I don't believe you are making a political statement about atomic bomb testing with your mushroom cloud fallout at your waistband. Please find a suit that fits, perhaps a one piece would suit you better. Just say no to muffin top.

If you appear as if you are in search of Marti Gras beads everytime you get out of the pool, please consider a top that covers more than two round bandaids. For the love of all things tan and sunscreened, you might put an eye out or horribly embarrass my impressionable, yet naive 6 and 8 year old sons.

If you wear a bikini because you do have a smoking bod, good for you. If by chance you also are a single mom and flirting with the married men swimming with their children, you will appear desperate and cheap. It's also the fastest way to get hog tied and thrown into the deep end of the pool. (all the well adjusted people said, "AMEN") I'm all for looking nice at the pool. I really am but for flirts of this kind, I will summons any and all children, including mine, to scream, yell, and cannonball you until you leave.

How do you like the pool now?

If you suffer from second degree burns from the day previous, sunscreen will not afford you two more hours in the pool. REPEAT: Sunscreen is a preventative not a force field or shade.

If you have kids that cannot swim, the chances are slim that your toddler can swim when their little inner tube pops or water wings suddenly deflate. If you would not consider leaving for the evening with an inner tube babysitting your children, then the pool should be no exception. I have four children that love to swim. I myself, love to swim. This does not make me the resident pool babysitter.

If you have more cottage cheese than a dairy farm I will politely look away. I'm all for the Dove idea of beauty, don't think I'm shallow. But face it, girls...and guys, it's a fact of life and therefore cover ups were invented for good reason. Swim shorts are also a great alternative. Both are affordable as well as accessible at any major retailer. They come in prints, solids...and my cover up is black.

Lastly, if you are two teenagers and loudly commenting how 'like, huge people are' and 'how annoying the kids are' at the pool, this is also the fastest way to get your mouth turned into a pool filter. I won't make fun of how many times, you say, "..ohmaaagaaah you got me wet!" (like that should be a surprise sitting next to a pool) , nor will I mention your tongue piercing and muffin top swimsuit. In return, you won't make rude remarks about....oh, who am I kidding, I'm totally going to blog you.

This concludes my pool side etiquette. Please make a note of it.

29 May 2007

Bee-Oxford English Dictionary

Modesty
A character trait that embodies the fact that worth is more than what people see. And wearing pants where your crack doesn't hang out.

Trust
An emotion evoked from the realization that you cannot go through life functioning by yourself as well as resting in the fact that your husband won't eat all the chocolate cake without asking you first.

Loyalty
Honoring others as you would treat your own self. And chasing away blog trolls for them.

Friendship
A person you can call in the middle of the night to request they come immediately
bringing digging tools, old shoes, and the use of their old freezer..all without asking you why.

Self-Control
The moment of realization that your inner will is bigger than your wants. And not eating that last brownie when you are dieting.

Worry
Taking on the responsibility of something you will most likely forget a year from now. Or in a year, another two years from now.

Patience
Taking time for something or someone when you don't want to have the time. And turning the toilet paper roll around even though you've explained 5.4 trillion times the TP goes over the top.of.the.roll.

Peace
Engaging in the fight for harmony. And when the kids are finally tucked into their beds.

Joy
Elation produced from inside out and not from outward circumstance. And when the kids are finally tucked...you get it.

Discipline
Accomplishing what you require, need and want by simply doing it. And not being a lazy arse.

Kindness
Treating all people as if they were your dear sweet grandmother. Or your relative leaving your house after a week long stay.

Associates Degree
A piece of paper, ten thousand in debt, and two more years of school to be taken seriously.

Bachelor's Degree
A piece of paper, fifty thousand in debt, and the ability and opportunity to clean houses like Aunt Jemima is going out of style.

Master's Degree
A piece of paper, one hundred ten thousand in debt, and the ability one day perhaps, to hire a cleaning lady.

27 May 2007

Tea Time

I've been at a birthday tea party today for my daughter's friend. I ended up schmoozing with moms I don't know and feeling a skiff overdressed for the occasion. I didn't realize the invitation meant just the daughters when it said "girls, wear your nice party dresses". I'm a dork. A dork with pantyhose on.

Speaking of pantyhose, I am convinced these were fashioned by men, solely because men would never be so foolish to consider donning an undergarment, produced from a plastic egg labeled "Beige Taupe". This would be the same undergarment that cuts you off at the waist, while sucking everything you regularly flaunt into a Jimmy Dean sausage-like prison and hiding any uncomely leg hair. Being tall does not have an advantage in this particular garment arena unless you prefer the crotch of your undergarments to sag pitifully to your lowest knee regions.

The party was fun and even though I felt left out of this group of women, overdressed and woefully inadequate when it came to craft time, my girls had great fun. Not all was lost either, the food was really good and they came away with a years worth of finished crafts topped with a flower hat.

Tea, mini muffins, tarts, and cucumber sandwiches were the fare for the day. It was really fun.

Although, it appeared I was the only one partaking of the food. I was overdressed, feeling left out of future parties being discussed openly at my table. I sat eating handfuls of petite fours and little tea sandwiches as I listened to parties I wouldn't be going to. I guess I wore my invisible clothes today. :eyeroll:

What I didn't understand was why these women were not eating? Is it not cool to eat food anymore? I don't think I got that memo. Apparently, I'm the only one that eats sugar, wheat or anything that is solid or liquid.

I'm going to enjoy Memorial Day working on my genealogy. See you on the other side.

24 May 2007

happiness is

happiness is



Can't you see?
I can't possibly blog when there is sunshine to enjoy today.

18 May 2007

5 degrees



I decided to go for a drive to clear my head. The kids were making me a bit crazy today so the quiet was a welcome change. I stopped to get some gas and on the way home, grabbed snacks and breakfast makings for tomorrow. It's a mistake to go ravenous to the grocery because I spent $40 more than I wanted to. By the time I got home the kids were soundly tucked in bed and hubby was painting at his desk. A quiet evening behind a book was just what the doctor ordered.

or in other words............

I lit out on Boo and the babes cause I be needing some chilaxin time. My cribs got me trippin so I hopped my ride, fo' shizzle, tippin in my 'lac, lovin' my sprewell's tricked to 22". Shellin' for gas and grabbed eats for the week. I get back in the 'lac got home to my Mack. Fo' Rizzle, my dizzle. Peace out! Word.


or perhaps a little like this....


I was persuaded by my beloved to change my vantage and acquire some greatly needed fresh air. The vexation that mounted within me was solely that emotion incurred by four sedulously exuberant children enduring the restraint of palatable free movement in an uncommonly small dwelling. Our children had a predilection for such exuberance, and were uncommonly more taxing than days previous. This lent to my deep gratitude for today's lack of banter, of which I was typically subjected to on a daily occurrence. My travels afforded me new perspective and tranquil elucidation. I blissfully welcomed the absence of verbose children as I stopped at market to restock my meager pantry. Leaving with impecunious wallet albeit, with trunk contents that any chef would appreciate and relish, I arrived at my residence without much ado. Much to my delight, I discovered my darlings slumbering peacefully. Alas, my love and I could partake in the utter sweetness of quiet to pursue our hobbies. Mine would include the examination in due length of a literary masterpiece by the one and only Jane Austen. Notwithstanding the plethora of book acquisitions from which to choose, who would dare fixate on a sole publication? Dare, not I.

or in better words......

Dude, like the kids were, like wiggin' on my melon! Hubby gave me a shout out to like, totally bail and cruise. I got jonesin' for some munchies, like so, 7-11 here I come for some grindage. SAH-WEET! I pulled a cheater five and mastercashed it, cause I bought so much I tanked the bank, dude. I like hot-dogged it home in the Jeep to find the offspring were countin' barrel rolls, dude, like selling Buicks...like freakin crashed, man. Excellent! So the Kahuna and I chilled in front of the tube. Wicked awesome.


or maybe, possibly it went like this:


I didn't care if I looked like a transient. I was going to get some quiet time or die trying. Hubby got home and asked if I wanted to get out. Like THE ALCATRAZ BIRDMAN, I did. With delusions of sanity, I bolted for the van. Spilling out Taco Bell wrappers, I opened the driver's door as I think to myself what is on the to-do list for tomorrow. Clean van. Mop ceiling. Paint Entire house. Pick up 1.4 million legos. The gas light goes on but it's hard to tell because pretty much all of them are on. Resisting the urge to leave the van running down at the airport, I tanked up the van and ran into the store. Nothing like grocery shopping by myself to buy luxuries like toilet paper and milk. I was sure Mr. Coffee would be posting our children for sale on eBay soon enough. How nice of him to let me out alone. I smiled knowingly at the screaming child in the store because frankly, it wasn't mine. I got home, opened the ice cream and checked on the kids. Kids are asleep? The man has some unusual powers or a big roll of duct tape. I pulled out my latest read and dug in. Silence is almost as good as ice cream. Almost.

17 May 2007

Blog is how I roll


Imagine my surprise pulling up to the pump and seeing this when I get out. And I thought my van cost a bundle to fuel up. $99.70! Translation?

"I shouldn't have bought this SUV."

Ouch.


In other news, I have read on three blogs now about comments, lack of and abundance of. I hope to go for a record here, so if you lurk? Come on out even if to say, "Here I am making a dumb comment". (Watch, I'll get 75 comments saying this very thing)

Having blogging peops (not the Easter kind of peeps) leads to blog links. I've posted on my reasons for linking so I will spare you the 5 minutes of boredom.

Oh, who am I kidding..you can get my blog roll disclaimer here.

Now, I have discovered a very effective way to cut back that lengthy, unmanageable blog roll. When you get carpal tunnel scrolling through the list, it's time to freshen things up. Everyone wants more readers but I've compiled 10 effective ways to cut down your blog roll and subsequently your readers.

1) Consistently complain about other boring blogs because someone threatened your life if you didn't sit there and read them.

2) Liberally blog about feeds, flash, HTML, templates and the ever popular dropping constant advice like Dear Abby has passed the torch to you.

3) Change your template and or URL every 10 days or so.

4) Alternate your postings between blogging music lyrics then memes.

5) Post how you feel like a cow along with your food diary, colon purges, caloric intake and number of lbs lost in the last 24 hours.

6) SPAM your blogroll.

7) Post controversially on any of the following: Iraq, the President, Homeschoolers, Stay at home moms, Go to work moms, your ex, Nancy Pelosi/Fire Marshall Bill, Saving Paris, Chubby Chasers, etc...

8) Actively convert everyone on your blog to your religion: Goat worship, Buddhist, The Church of Starbucks, Mormon, Catholic, Christian, Wicca, Right Wing, Left Wing, Bat Wing, and Worship of the Krispy Kreme God.

9) Post once every three weeks and say, "I'm back" then abandon blog for another three weeks. Repeat. Make sure your posts include excuses why you are so busy.

10) Make as many posts about..well, lets sum it up in one word: Youtube.

Now that I have effectively offended half my blog roll and subsequently implicated myself, I can be thankful my carpal tunnel can heal properly.

(DISCLAIMER: I love my blog peops and have it be known, this is simply the conglomerate of 2½ years of blogging experience talking here. All names have been changed to protect my blog roll)

Roll Em


Imagine my surprise pulling up to the pump and seeing this when I get out. And I thought my van cost a bundle to fuel up. $99.70! Translation?

"I shouldn't have bought this SUV."

Ouch.


In other news, I have discovered a very effective way to cut back that lengthy, unmanageable blog roll. When you get carpal tunnel scrolling through the list, it's time to freshen things up. Everyone wants more readers but I've compiled 10 effective ways to cut down your blog roll and subsequently your readers.

1) Consistently complain about other boring blogs because someone threatened your life if you didn't sit there and read them.

2) Liberally blog about feeds, flash, HTML, templates and the ever popular dropping constant advice like Dear Abby has passed the torch to you.

3) Change your template and or URL every 10 days or so.

4) Alternate your postings between blogging music lyrics then memes.

5) Post how you feel like a cow along with your food diary, colon purges, caloric intake and number of lbs lost in the last 24 hours.

6) SPAM your blogroll.

7) Post controversially on any of the following: Iraq, the President, Homeschoolers, Stay at home moms, Go to work moms, your ex, Nancy Pelosi/Fire Marshall Bill, Chubby Chasers, etc...

8) Actively convert everyone on your blog to your religion: Goat worship, Buddhist, The Church of Starbucks, Mormon, Catholic, Christian, Wicca, Right Wing, Left Wing, Bat Wing, and Worship of the Krispy Kreme God.

9) Post once every three weeks and say, "I'm back" then abandon blog for another three weeks. Repeat. Make sure your posts include excuses why you are so busy.

10) Youtube.

14 May 2007

Jail is so not hott


I was only driving down the road minding my own business. I wasn't hurting anyone. Gaahh, I shouldn't have even gone to that stupid dinner. Nicole told me it was a waste, cause we'd throw it up anyway and no one hott was going. I should have listened even though she is so bossy and stuff. "Buy these Par Par" and "that bag is so 90s. Eww." I was too busy raiding the bar instead of listening to her constant noise, "My dad plays the piano, better than anyone here. blah blah blah....."

So, like I'm driving, I see lights behind me and I was like, "no way!!" Maybe he just wanted my autograph, like they ALL do, cause everyone wants me. So the cops, like, pulled me over. I wasn't speeding too fast like, 90 or anything..I wasn't doing nothing that bad. Why can't they get like, bad people and bad politicians and stuff. So what if my lights were off? It's not like I was like, killing someone or buying eBay Versace.

He told me that when I was driving last month, I was drunk or something. I don't remember. I'm just really sorry and he said he didn't believe me. Whatev.

He said to tell it to the judge but I'm gonna tell my mom and dad. We are so gonna sue everyone. I was only going home after a party and it's like the cops are out to get me. Why don't they go back to their donuts and leave innocent people like me alone.

My mom is so upset now, she can't even purge her meals. She was so mad...I mean she couldn't even get out of bed. Like, she hasn't been this upset since our old colon cleansing doctor quit and we had to wait two weeks, all bloated, and stuff. I couldn't even look in the mirror at my deformed body. It was gross and stuff.

So I bought new clothes and went to court and told the judge Sauer guy that I was really, really sorry and he said he didn't believe my lawyers or nothing. I said I was sorry, isn't that enough? I even offered to work, in a soup kitchen as long as I don't have to be around people that smell bad, or have gross hair or stuff. I could wear an ankle thingie, too but he is just so freaking mean. I can do work programs and pay whatever, but this is inhumane. What more does he want from me? I totally don't remember signing my license suspension or whatever. What kind of freak reads those anyway?

They better let me wear my Seven and my Citizen of Humanity jeans in jail. I'm gonna die if I look like a cow for 45 days in orange overalls. 45 days! Hello! That's like, 12 weeks or something. I just can't wear orange. I don't wanna look like a freaking pumpkin. I wonder if they'll let me tan in jail?

Maybe if I call Arnold Schwatzen...., you know, that governor actor guy. He can do something, or if I can get my fans to write to the judge telling him I'm really good inside. Cause I am. I really am.

10 May 2007

Happy Mother's Day

I'll be commenting until Monday, but no posting here until then. Enjoy the video. This is funnier every time I see it.

Happy Mother's Day!


07 May 2007

Love Letters From Collections

There isn't a month that goes by that I have to handle a situation of collections, or billing calling me for one reason or another. I have a common name, which makes this even more fun. Protecting credit is a difficult task regardless of erroneous billing. When I receive a love letter from someone demanding payment, I quickly attempt to resolve it.

With this said, I dedicate this post to Kaylan at:

Penn Credit Corporation
PO Box 988
Harrisburg, PA. 17108-0988
(800) 900-1380

Now, Kaylan appeared helpful from the beginning. He quickly became combative and very frustrated, interrupting me often. I reminded him that this is considered rude and if he would be so kind to rephrase his accusatory tone to a more gentile and civil one.

I seriously thought he would be the first collection agent to hang up on his own collection attempt with him being so frail and delicate in spirit. I might think that he may soon suffer from adverse medical conditions solely from the stress of his job. If I were in his shoes, I would seriously seek employment at a flower shop or pillow stuffing warehouse. Perhaps coal mining would be a good option, well away from the general public.

I informed him my PO BOX was a new address. Further, I never received these books, nor have I been billed for this alleged 2 year old purchase until now. I would like the creditor's address, number and or fax and remove myself from his very busy schedule. I could not confirm where these items were shipped, so we were going nowhere fast.

Now, I ask all of my readers with an IQ over 50. Is that such a difficult task? Kaylan claimed, "we have no way of contacting them, they just send the information to us through the computer".

He couldn't provide any information about his client. The one his company is representing.

I'm no dim bulb here. Well, of course he could at least provide the address of the company that is attempting to ruin my credit, as is required of them by law.

The underpaid, overworked young man became even more combative and quickly informed me that I did purchase said books, and further that I would continue receiving calls from them until it was resolved.

After a call to Canada, and a short google search resulting in another two phone calls, I contacted a certain gentleman employed by the creditor in question.

Let's call this man Dave. Cause that was really his name. I think I love Dave. Kaylan could take some tips from Dave. Dave is now my new hero and if I miraculously conceived despite my tubal ligation, I would name all future children Dave.

My 30 minutes of lost time afforded me a quick phone call back to Kaylan who incidentally declined to take my call as relayed by another employee. Do men get PMS?

I so wanted to rub my zero balance in his face, of course, barring rudeness and shouting phrases like "YOU ARE SO MODED!!"

That would not be appropriate. All in a days work.

05 May 2007

Police and Politics at Krispy Kreme


Can this morning have been any more perfect? I drank Starbucks. We ate donuts. We built stuff. We met our Congressman.

Our local men and women in blue were having a fund-raiser for the Special Olympics AND it was hosted by Krispy Kreme. Police and donuts. Who would have thought? The crime unit and bomb squad were also there, as were the motorcycle policemen. For a small donation, our fine men and women in blue were also giving rides to the kids on a VAB.


Mr. Coffee is assisting the kids.
He looks like one of the bomb guys.



For those wondering, the VAB is a French military vehicle. Sadly, this one had the missile launcher removed (hellooo? LAME!!) and it wasn't even fitted with a water cannon for crowd control. We were cheated.

We also shook hands with our Congressman as did everyone else he encountered, "Brian Baird, nice to meet you." "Good Morning, Brian Baird". I don't think a person with a germ phobia could be a Congressman, with all the hands you end up shaking. Congressmen and Congresswomen must get sick a lot.


He's appealing to the future voters. What a guy!

Our Congressman is a polite, likeable man, and he really likes donuts. That's two counts for him. If he threw in a free bumper sticker, then it would certainly swing my vote. You see, bumper stickers are what makes the democratic process possible, except for Kerry Edwards bumper stickers.

Translation: Hey, I'm from Oregon and a sore loser.


The kids loved the tour of the paddy wagon and they were allowed to sit on the motorcycle. I almost expected to overhear on of the boys say, "Step on it, Ponch! We need to stop that bus full of school kids from rolling backwards down that hill!!!"



We then went on to Home Depot to catch our First Saturday of the Month Kids' Workshop. The kids made cute little planters for our back patio. If anyone is needing parsley, chives, or basil let me know, I'll have it coming out of my ears in another month or two.

02 May 2007

Omelette

I have nothing. It's amazing, I've hit the blogger road block. Last week I was skimming down writer's highway with the letters at my back, sentences flowing through my hair, and then I must have hit a mental gnat cloud, taking my creative flow and turning it into bug floss.

Okay, enough analogies. Today is a cell phone picture day.


Exhibit #1


We decided to check out this restaurant last weekend. Let the food be fabulous and let the coffee flow. Hubby has been here once or twice and raved about it. Now I (and you) can see why. This is their half of a veggie omelet with a cup of joe.

Half. An. Omelet

...and it comes with a free defibrillator. I ate a quarter of this and was absolutely stuffed. The kids and I ate the rest on Monday morning for leftovers. So, technically, this feeds six and it was one of the best omelet's I've ever had. If God hadn't rested on the seventh day, this is what He would have made.

The Lord's Omelet.