28 August 2008

I Need To Post Something Funny

Random...what day is this? Oh, yes. Random Wednesday today.

I got a call from someone and my caller ID says, "770-783-5969" and the name on the caller-id said...and I quote, "DONT ANSWER". How is that for reverse psychology?

If you are just reading me, I'm going to spill it to you.

I've become the 'go to' person when someone needs a question answered. I retain pretty much most of what I read and now being the wise age of thirtyfarblewarble...haha, okay really. I just remember stuff.

I get requests from all sorts of friends about a myriad of subjects. For instance, if you need to know what pitocin is or does, I will know. Need a good homemade grass stain remover or pink eye cure? A vital record from 1824? Bankruptcy law, or renter's rights? Reasons why you should not attempt marital congress in a hot tub?

I would know, not that I want to know, I just know.

In light of this I would like to extend my knowledge to my readers, all 3 of you. I know I haven't been around much, but school starts next week and I'll be gung ho to posting regularly again. So please, ask away in comments (try to keep it clean, will ya?!) and I'll post answers back on Tuesday.

Have a Happy Labor Day!

~Bee is a good trivial pursuit partner
Listening to: Feeling Good by Muse

Immunization Runaround

This is the real reason people don't immunize their children. I've been absorbed this last week. I'm off until next week. Hopefully I don't have to drive my kids to Canada to get their immunizations. ug.... UPDATE BELOW

28 Aug 2008

Dear Mr Health Dept Dude,

Hello, my name is Bee. I found your email on the County website. I appreciate your availability to the public and hope I can get some resolution to my frustrations by addressing you personally.

I am writing regarding the new DocsR-Us Clinic opening Sept 2, 2008. I have not been able to get sufficient information regarding this clinic. The existing location has informed me that they not accepting new patients.

As a parent of uninsured children, I have had great difficulty pursuing state required immunizations for school. If my two children needing immunizations aren't immunized by Sept 13, they will not be allowed into school.

I contacted my children's doctor first. 3 years of being healthy and not going to the Dr. means we are New Patients. The office is not taking New Patients right now.


In the second week of August I drove down to the Health Department with four children in tow. I called the Health Dept. Immunizations are a walk-in appointment, first come first serve. I waited in the front of the line, with one woman working and watched the clock as my children did their best to be not-bored.

This sole employee did not look up from her work in 5 minutes time to then stand, grab her purse and go to lunch. I waited another 5 minutes waiting to have someone...anyone acknowledge me. A woman walked over from the cashier desk and asked me politely "if I had a question". I need immunizations.

Sorry, no available appointments. I was handed a brochure for Free Clinic Wednesdays.

Yesterday, I showed up at the Free Clinic. Four kids in tow. We waited for 25 minutes until they said there weren't enough nurses. Only the first 35 children were allowed. I was #71. Since the sign-in starts at 5pm and appointments start at 5:30, I did not get there early enough even coming at around 4pm. I was informed by staffers that DocsR-Us would be taking over immunizations for the Health Dept.

This morning, I called DocsR-Us at their main location: 555-1234.

"You've called medical ma'am, please try this number, 555-2345." I thanked her and was on my way.

I called the next number and the woman stated that they are not accepting new patients. She said a new clinic was opening Sep 2nd and gave me this number: 555-3456. I called it and the call came back to the same woman. By this time I am thoroughly confused and frustrated. Try another number: 555-4567 which answered immediately by an voice mail box that was full.

I need answers about where I can get my children's immunizations. These are state mandated immunizations and I have been very patient, albeit my only fault is having healthy kids and no insurance.

I greatly appreciate your time and any answers you can give me. I am also available via home phone at xxx-xxxx. Thank you!

~Bee Repartee

*******UPDATE: I got a response. YAY!

Ms. Bee:

Thank you for your email message. I am sorry that you have experienced so much frustration getting your children immunized for back to school. I hope this reply will help.

The Health Dept has been winding down services in our clinic in preparation for DocsR-Us Clinic to take over on September 2. For the last few weeks we have been providing immunizations on appointment only. As you can imagine, at this time of year appointments fill up pretty quickly. Nonetheless, I am disappointed to hear that you did not receive prompt and friendly service from our office staff. I will be discussing this with our clinic manager tomorrow.

DocsR-Us will be open for business here at the Health Dept on September 2. They will have a full-time medical assistant available who will do nothing but provide back to school immunizations on both a walk in and appointment basis. While it's true that DocsR-Us is not accepting new clients at its current location, they will be accepting new clients here on September 2.

My recommendation is that you return to the Health Dept as early as you can next week to have your children immunized by DocsR-Us staff.

One of the benefits of having DocsR-Us here is that they will provide not only the clinical services that the Health Dept used to provide but also a full range of primary care services for uninsured people in our county. So, in the future, you can bring your children in to get a flu shot as well as treatment for an ear infection or a broken arm or any other medical condition that may have.

Again, I am sorry to hear that it has been so challenging for you to check your children immunized. Please feel free to contact me if you continue to experience frustration.

Thank you.

Mr Health Dept Dude
Big Cheese
Health Department
PO Box 00000
Rain Drops and Coffee Shops, Pacific NW
Tel: xxx.xxxx

~Bee loves the power of the pen

27 August 2008

Inferiority Contest

I'm a noticer. You know, the person who first notices a haircut, a missing employee, a friends new car, or change in moods? I notice the neighbor's weekend schedule or how often they check their mail. I have made a habit of acute observation.

My habit is undoubtedly a lifetime of summing my value by perceived comparisons. My observations brought perception, followed by harsh judgment, and ultimately determining my value by some far-fetched idea of rivalry. This is not a good way to live or keep friends.

Years ago, I would have vehemently denied that I was competitive, let alone keeping up with the Jones'.

"You are so wrong and I'll tell you why....."

heh. I didn't even like the Jones'.

I can see in retrospect how my low self-esteem hurt me so much in the long run. If I felt inferior, I'd beat myself up in my own fight. Sad but true.

Of course, there are people who haven't grown out of competitiveness. I tend to shy away from as quickly as I can. Those types are what I call, "Penelopes". Women especially do this to each other. It is laughable. Everything you have done, every way that you have looked, and all that you have owned? Oh, yes. They can, will, and have done better.

Why would that make you laugh, you ask?

When someone does this, all I can think about is Penelope from SNL.

Now, I've learned to embrace the fighter in me. Observation or competition does not have to be a negative character trait. By embracing these traits in a positive way, I have been able to see my value beyond the core of my competitiveness. Fighting for love, spiritual health, family, or wholeness are all ideal. Fighting because I had no self-worth only alienated me from some potentially great friendships.

Regardless of my personal growth over the years, I am still a noticer. I continue to notice those who need to declare their awesomeness. These displays, via insult or posturing, are loud declarations that they are indeed better, stronger, wealthier....or will be by attempting to take away what I already have: self-worth.

Now I've learned to let it go, smile, ignore, and/or just say nothing. I've learned that no matter what, no one else defines my value so I have nothing to prove. I know what I am worth and no one can take that away from me, not by looks, wallet, breeding, or education.

Eleanor Roosevelt says it best, "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."

Mrs. Roosevelt was a smart woman and I'll gladly admit, she was smarter than me.

~Bee is thankful that life is her teacher

25 August 2008

Middle Schooler

Last week, I took trip to the Health Department to get my kids immunized for school. which entailed taking an elevator in their massive new building. I despise public elevators for the germ factor alone. Elevator buttons are on my short list right next to lick grocery store floor and suck on end of post office pen. Ewww.

This glorious government office had only one employee working. She never once looked up, and when she finally stood it was to grab her purse and go to lunch. I waited 10 minutes for them to tell me to go to the free clinic next week. Typical runaround.

During our wait though, the kids started whining for candy in the jars by the front customer service windows. They were light colored, round, and in green wrappers and no, not candy.

Most places give out little freebies for kids or patrons. My mechanic gives out magnets. The doctor's office or bank has calendars, pens, or suckers. The Health Department apparently gives out condoms.

My middle schooler spotted them first. She nearly shouted, "They have green apple suckers! Can I have a sucker? CAN I HAVE ONE, PUHHHHLEEEEEEZE?!"

Her brothers and sister chimed in quickly, "We want suckers! I want a sucker! Why can't I have a sucker!"

I tried to suppress my laughter, "Um, no sweetie," I whispered to my daughter even quieter, "those aren't suckers, they're condoms."

 "OH!" She smiled, looking red-faced over her faux pas.

"What's a condom?" asked my 8 year old. The entire waiting room was looking at me by this time as they probably wondered if I knew the answer with my four kids in tow and all within 6 years of each other.

Lord help us, where is your father when I need him?! 

I started to answer and realized that my older son was beet red. I whispered, "It's for married people."

I had most of the Health Department staff and patrons ready to burn me at the stake. So shoot me, they are young kids and I only tell them enough for them to satisfy their curiosity. How else can I teach them my values without standing strong? But I'm not going to lie to them and say The Health Dept. only sees sexually active marrieds with unwanted pregnancies and STDs.


~Bee will go ballistic if they give out "caramel green apple suckers" in school.

21 August 2008

Super Short Stories (Extended Edition)

I get a mental block sometimes on what I should write about. This week, I have a whole slough of stories so just pretend you are reading something like the Reader's Digest short stories but with more intrigue, more violence, and far more grammatical errors.

A few days ago, I was startled late at night by the unmistakably pungent smell of pot emanating into my apartment.

What? I don't do drugs, never have, but growing up in a legal medical marijuana state? I know how it smells. I do like the smell of a pipe, even clove ciggies, but I don't smoke.

I suspected I had accidentally left the burner on or something. I opened the front door and no one was there, but the smell....ugh. The smell was much stronger in the stairwell. I went from yuck to ticked off in a matter of seconds.

The smell had wafted up and permeated my obviously aesthetic weatherstripping on my front door. It could have come from the upstairs neighbors but I found rolling papers at the bottom of the stairs the next morning. If I smell it again, I'm going to resist the urge to eat an entire bag of Doritos and then I will yank out my fire extinguisher, hose them down until it's empty, and then beat them with the red tank.  I'll be able to plead insanity since I would technically be under the influence of second hand pot smoke.

Last weekend, my son found this video, and a few others, from Lego.com. I think we watched it about 20 times. "An Average Death Star Day". I found it on youtube, of course.

I've been losing weight since last year. I'd stopped losing for a while but now I'm losing again, blah blah blah ~glaze over~ so, that is how you change a tire.

Last, I had my kids at the Health Department and I think I caught a bug or something. Is it normal to feel like you've been run over by a mack truck? It's not a cold, but achy and headachy. Mr Coffee is coming home tomorrow for the weekend so I'll be getting reinforcements. I've really missed him, too.

Next post, I'll share with you the fun I had at the Health Department trying to get my kids immunized. Oh, and those round condom-shaped things in green wrappers on the front counters? NOT caramel green apple suckers. Please tell me, how would a child know this?

~Bee has a fire extinguisher next to the front door.

19 August 2008

Chicklet Teeth

Who here has veneers or white composite fillings? Raise your hand.

I've had composite white fillings on my two front teeth since grade school. In the early 80's, composite white fillings for tooth repairs were a new and progressive idea. They were offered as an alternative to caps which are now no longer universally used. I've always had tooth issues as I chipped my teeth when I was 7 or 8 doing something really stupid.

Blanket on head + roller skates + in grass + charging into metal tree support = something really stupid.

Before you rush off to get that Gary Busey chicklet smile, white composite material isn't what it's cracked up to be, pun intended. I've discovered it's $$ for white composite fillings and $$$$$ for veneers.

No one tells you that composite fillings chip off or break every 6 to 8 years. And they do. I had one just crack off my tooth from drinking water that was too cold. I drink my weight in coffee but have had to kiss iced drinks goodbye. Maybe the materials are different now. The cost certainly hasn't gone down.

I do know for a fact that composites cannot be whitened. If your composites are not over all of your teeth, you must pay to maintain a uniform color. Loosely translated, there are two options: Stay with normal tooth color for your composite fillings and never whiten, or pay to have all your teeth whitened and maintained. You can also whiten your teeth but you'll look like a reverse fluoride overdose with white teeth and darkened spots.

I chipped my tooth a few months back and have put off the dentist for a while with Mr Coffee out of town so much this summer. I bit the bullet and went into a recommended dentist to make my appointment. She asked for my insurance.

"This will be out of pocket," I cringed at the thought of the bill.

She smiled, "No problem, we do have financing available." She pushed a pamphlet toward me.

I took the glossy pamphlet albeit, reluctantly. Financing could only translate, 'bend over and grab your ankles'.

"Could you tell me what kind of cost I would be expecting? I can't write off a $500 check without some kind of warning." I giggled, hoping to sound less pathetically broke. I'm fairly certain it didn't work although, asking for what someone will charge you for a service is not unreasonable.

How often do you just load up your grocery cart and say to the checker, "Hey! Charge me whatever you feel like"Or perhaps slap your wallet down and tell the cashier, "Help yourself!"

My mechanic does estimates, why does the dentist, or any doctor for that matter, have to be difficult?

She looked at me and threw up her hands, "I couldn't tell you what kind of work they will do, but x-rays and consultation will be...um, tops? $115 dollars and then if you want to proceed with the work, they will tell you the cost at that time."

I gulped and looked down at the pamphlet. The dentist in the glossy picture smiled back. He looked younger than me. I'm sure he was quite capable although, I wanted to scissor-kick his perfectly white, straightened teeth.

What I didn't understand was that he wanted me to pay him $115 for something I could show him with an open mouth and an index finger. Then again, who is the smart one here? The patient who pays to have the doctor prod around in my mouth with a metal tool and say, "Don't put metal things in your mouth."

If the dentist needs an x-ray to see my chipped tooth, a front tooth at that, then he's pretty much a blind extortionist. Do I want to pay through the nose to have a blind dentist fixing my tooth? I have no other choice than to pay, because other dentists I checked with would do the same. Have you seen billy bob teeth?

Yeah, I don't think so.

For the second time in 10 years, next week I have an appointment to get my tooth fixed by Mr Young Blind Dentist, DMD. I'm also considering changing my college career path to dentistry. I won't have my sight but at least I can retire early.

~Bee currently does not have a Colgate smile.
Listening To: Fergalicious by Fergie

18 August 2008

Kick In The Gut

I'm super excited about going to school. I've planned this for years, and now I'll be going with my last child also going into Kindergarten. I waited a whole 17 yrs 4 mos 2 wks and 4 days, but really who is counting?

I've been anxious about the whole Financial Aid, forms, registration, classes, etc.. I figured most new students feel this way, too. Mr Coffee, Doozie, Dapoppins, and numerous friends told me to just calm down, it'd all work out. CALM THE HECK DOWN!

Today, I signed up for my classes as instructed by the registration offices. It turns out I should have turned in my FAFSA (Federal Aid) forms prior to when Moses walked the earth instead of the obviously reckless 5 months before the start of the fall semester.

Financial Aid said if I could fork over the nominal $916.95, when FA comes through, they would reimburse me. Otherwise, in 10 days, registration will drop the classes I registered for today.

Wait, I think I have a spare $1000 around here somewhere....oh. snap. It must be in my other pants.

I told the woman we have a one income household, four children that eat small farm animals for fun, bald tires on my clunker van, and luxuries to buy, like food and electricity. I did not have that kind of money anywhere. No aid = No school. Is it any wonder this was messed up with the government involved?

I cried like a blubbering baby. She felt badly and was as helpful as she could be. She set me up for Winter Semester aid, so my 17 year 4 months 2 weeks and 4 day dream will have to wait a few more months.

Sometimes it feels like I'm never going to school but I know full well, it's not the death of a dream, just a kick in the gut...

....by Jackie Chan.

....with steel-toed boots.

I'll simply have to wait for January.

15 August 2008

I'm Going To Write A Dumb Song About Lice

You can see what I've been up to lately. I wish I couldn't see the other thing I've been up to.

Two words with a huge amount of work behind it.

Head Lice. HEAD. LICE.

God Bless the public school system and parents who don't have the brains to say,

"Hey, my kids have lice and your daughter had a sleep over last weekend. You might want to check her head."

How hard is that?! Apparently it's more impossible than,say....

"I'm lazy and am too busy to care about infecting your kids with gross, disgusting little buggers. Cleanliness has nothing to do with it, but I wouldn't know because again, I'm too busy to care. I'm not about to tell you my kids have a nasty parasite that could have been transferred to your daughter, because by golly, that might make me look bad."

So, this week I'm single-handedly keeping RID Lice Shampoo people in business. I have a lot of laundry to do normally but this? Holy Tide, Batman. A family of six makes one gigantic pile of laundry when it all has to be done at once. Tonight I was sorting through it all and I came down off the top of the mountain with frost on my head.

~Bee needs more dryer sheets

13 August 2008

You Want Some See Food?

It's grocery time.

No, no, nooo! You don't get to leave yet. You will enjoy this particular trip through the grocery story because there is no long division, coupons, or shrieking children. You may also forego telling the checker to "help yourself" as you slap your wallet on the counter.

On a side note, Mr Coffee and I think there is a market for a wallet that makes a toilet flushing sound every time you open it. Last week, I could have used the Airport Industrial Flush when I purchased school supplies. It's also like that when I go grocery shopping so I attempt to cheer myself up while I shop. Sometimes, the trip itself cheers me up.

For instance, a young woman above who I managed to capture with my cell phone a few months back. She is wearing her boxers to the store. In all their glorious butterflied yellowness, I noticed the tell-tale butt stitching with the button fly in the front. I hope the day never comes when I've lost the will to get fully dressed for the day. Does she feel no shame?

Then we have the usual kids' shenanigans.

Nothing says, "I'm bored!" like a nice pair of bug glasses.

I saw a picture on a friend's facebook and saw the same item in my store. It made me laugh, so I had to share it with you. Nothing could trump One Whole Chicken In A Can until now. I'd think that Cracker Meal goes best with Honkey Toast.

Once you've had Cracker Meal, you can move up to Cracker Trax. Forget the abusive pimp or costly dealer, you can buy these in a bag now. And the upside is you can keep your reputation, your health, your relationships, your sanity...the possibilities are endless.

I could have SWORN on first glance these ice cream bars said, "DOUBLE CHIN" across the box.

Nothing makes a trip complete without a trip to the wine isle. The wine isle is always a happy place for me. Aside from the obvious, my Uncle actually worked for Korbel most his life. Hearing my Uncle speak made me feel like I still had my Grandpa. I miss them both and Korbel makes me remember all the good things about them.

ARG! Matey! And really is there anyone who gets enough Pirate Booty? hee heee, I said Booty. Fire on the POOP DECK!

I told you it would be painless grocery shopping.

~Bee wonders who else grocery shops at night when kids are in bed?

07 August 2008

15 Years of Us

For the love of all that is good and holy, my mind is running today.

Run, Forrest. RUN!

This week's events:

I finally met with a college advisor who was enlightening, at least more so than the last one who blinded me with her glinting chin hair and didn't tell me squat. This advisor laid out the program and guided me on how to get started. She did not have chin hair to distract me. I feel so ready to go now. Along with a career goal, a surprising perk is that I can get medical benefits with full-time school.

I am armed with a schedule: 13 credits, a good goal, and an early registration time, thanks to the one class I took 17 years ago. The Radiology Program runs every two years and has 90 applicants. The clincher? Only 16 are chosen. The pressure is already starting to mount but I remind myself that my alternatives aren't promising. Having a minimum wage job where a pervy boss never once looks north of my neck (yeah, just think about that...) or learning how to ask 'if you want fries with that'? See? Not viable options.

Today I had to order my official transcript again. Had I been told that opening the envelope makes it unofficial, I wouldn't have to order a second one. I filled out and faxed the form, watched a new flick, and folded laundry. Exciting day, yes? I will say Lars and The Real Girl is a really great movie. Loved it. LOVED it.

My daughter will be in Jr High this year. She needs another round of immunizations before I enroll her in school. It's ridiculous the number of 'recommended' shots that kids are subjected to. I have no beef with basic immunizations aside from them being the lesser of two evils. Just look at any county death records from 100 years ago, and you'd agree with me. I can handle trace mercury. Interestingly enough, I've read that tattoos and fillings have more mercury than an immunization. Hmmmm.

I do have issue with the dim bulbs that push Gardasil. I have researched Gardasil and know more than most doctors now.

~insert long rant here~

Okay, I'm back.....

Speaking of dim bulbs, a nearest and dearest friend is taking her ex-dim bulbness to court today. Take it from me, this guy is a piece of....work. Pray, think good things, wish her the best. She could use it! Mr Dim Bulb uses his children as pawns for revenge. This said, I would love to see my friend have her glorious day in court while the arse shows his real colors to the judge. My friend is an amazing mom and could use some good encouragement.

Earlier in the week, I posted about the mecca of bookstores and I forgot to tell you about a fridge magnet I saw there with a woman on the phone: "Incontinence Hotline, can you hold please?" I wonder if other customers thought me odd laughing out loud in the middle of the store.

Last but not least, today is my 15th wedding anniversary. I met my husband, and we quickly became inseparable. We knew each other 2 months and we were engaged. Within only 4 mos. and 3 weeks of first meeting, we were married. We've had our ups and downs as most couples do, but through it all we are still very much in love. I miss him even when he is gone one day. We still like each other, too.

Don't get a toothache from saccharine overload. Although we draw the line at matching outfits. We are married, not a freaking double mint gum commercial. I'd say our secret was that we both laugh on a daily basis, respect ourselves and each other, love madly and unconditionally but without strings. Oh, and he is HAWT.

We hope to make it out of town this weekend. The beach is calling me.

YAY! Happy Anniversary to us!!

~Bee still gets flowers and even gets breakfast in bed once a week

PS. UPDATE: He just came home with an 1) iTunes card 2) Starbucks card 3) my favorite coffee 4) bouquet of flowers 5) one red rose 6) chocolate and 7) dinner reservations.