31 August 2006

My Own Episode of "24"

12:00 Watch Perry Mason reruns while folding more clothes.
Ponder why I never became a lawyer. Wish Hamilton Burger tried OJ Simpson.
Check email, avoid 23 telemarketer calls.

1:10 Lunch time. Witness children pack away a dozen PB &Js. Do dishes. Watch Lolo empty entire clean dishwasher into silverware drawers. Sweep floor feeling guilt from waste and starving countries around the world. Wonder when Brangelina will break up.

2:00 Play African Wilderness with kids. Swing in the hammock and watch them make Redneck tree chair and hang Barbie. Ignore neighbor with large inflatable pool who never invite us over. Suddenly wish for a bow and arrow.

2:30 Check blog. Try to write something funny. Laugh at own posts.

2:45 Go to Target. Scowl at Jr.'s Department at skanky tube tops. Laugh in wine isle. Try on ugly shoes and drool over books. Consider applying part-time at Target cafe' to get cheap Starbucks coffee beans.

4:15 Drive over plastic toy in drive. Retrieve junk mail from mail box. Hurry kids in house to avoid neighbor children.

4:30 Move wash and see last half of Oprah. Get call from Mr. Coffee inquiring to see if he can bring me anything. Say naughty married things to hubby attempting to embarrass him while at work.

5:00 Regret forgetting to take meat out of freezer. Cook Top Ramen with green beans. Tell Jaina and Max to knock off teasing Zus. Reassure Zus that Ramen noodles are not made from worms.

5:10 Tell children to settle down at eat.

5:15 Tell children to settle down or else. Tell knocking neighbor kids that we are eating dinner.

5:20 Tell children if they don't eat they don't get anything else until tomorrow.

5:25 Congratulate children on finishing dinner without anyone bleeding. Encourage kids to take up dishes.

5:45 Anticipate another "24". Clean dishes. Finish off pot of coffee. Tell Jaina to quit humming at her brother. Send brother to room for spitting. Put on lipstick for when hubby gets home and fix hair. Smell pits to make sure not offensive and adjust shirt for appropriate cleavage. Ignore stain on shirt knowing he won't see it anyway.

6:00 Threaten children to back yard or else. Scrub fresh crayola marker off of fridge. Call local friends to exchange moral support. Email and comment on blogs.

6:15 Mr Coffee gets home looking worn out and doesn't notice stain at all. Wake Mr. Coffee who falls asleep into dinner. Finish half of mine. Tell self to do rest of dishes tomorrow.

6:30 Pull out sewing machine while Mr. Coffee finishes work calls at desk. Hem curtains from 9 months ago. Grunt at pile of work pants needing mending. Finish one pair and leave curtains still unattended.

7:00 Wake Mr. Coffee at sound of tub running. Bathe excited 3 yr old emptying all tub water onto bathroom floor. Watch child squeeze half a bottle of salon conditioner into bath.

7:15 Smack head repeatedly making bunk beds. Successfully attempt not to swear or pass out in front of kids.

7:30 Mr. Coffee aids children selecting nighttime books and tucking them into bed. Assist Mr. Coffee's old boss with forms for suing non-paying contractor. Take pride in being a secret agent while forking over goods on offending contractor. Feel important.

8:00 Kids in bed. Blabber at Mr. Coffee about the day. Tell kids to get in bed for the fourth time. Clean kids toothpaste off of mirror, counter, and sink. Pray with kids.

8:30 Tell youngest to get back into bed. Drink half a glass of merlot. Read another chapter in my book. Set alarm for 6:00am with hope of actually exercising early even though I know I won't.

9:00 Enjoy episode of "24" on DVD. Wonder when they will match Kim's black eyebrows to her blonde hair.

9:45 Wonder why there is never enough time in the day. Threaten oldest to stay in bed unless she is bleeding, turning blue or something is on fire.

10:00 Kids all asleep. Fight hubby for the bathroom. Wish I hadn't drank all that coffee.

10:05 Everyone asleep. Enjoy quiet. Get into bed and try to read between snoring spouse and 747 engine he likes to call 'white noise' fans.

11:00 Wake up to hubby snuggling. Turn off light....to do it all over again the next day.

22 August 2006

in other news

I think the Oregonian's advertising placement guy has a really sick sense of humor. I caught this years ago in the paper when I lived in Portland, OR. I had to scan it in two pieces and no, I did not alter the headlines.

So? Do you think Jay Leno would like this for his headlines part of The Tonight Show? We will see shortly....

*Click to enlarge*
Hint: It's not the article itself, it's the placement on the page next to the wrong ad.

21 August 2006


Bed-headed routine motors you down the hallway. Anticipation is tangible almost, pulling you like an irresistible force as your feet pitter-patter across the coolness of the tiled kitchen floor. Nimble fingers encircle the lid. It gives way effortlessly while the aroma of ambition merrily greets your senses.

Then, it suddenly dawns on you.

Thoughts of liquid ambrosia start to give way to regret leaving you standing motionless in complete horror. Your tiny reflection gazing back from the bottom of your coveted jar reveals only the look of regret and bitter anguish from yesterday's forgotten trip to the grocery.

16 August 2006

R & R and a redesign

Mr. Coffee and I had a fabulous time at the Pacific Coast. Thanks to the new boss giving hubby an extra day, Mr. Coffee and I had 2½ days to get some R & R sans kids. It's been 10 years since we had just 'us' time together. We have survived on bi-monthly date nights and making out in the van at our favorite lookout spot over the city. As parents, time with Mr. Coffee isn't what it used to be. For that matter, neither are tickets for indecent exposure.

Not that I would know.

If you ever decide to get away to the WA coast, I can recommend the Enchanted Cottages just outside of Long Beach, WA. Wonderful hospitality, comfy beds, clean rooms & cute little kitchenettes to save some dough. Eating out frequently can have horrible side effects so we opted for cooking in. We stayed in the Hummingbird Cottage (more pics on the website).

We also went through the town of Astoria, OR. I hadn't been there since I was a teenager and forgot how long that bridge was. Mind you it's where the Columbia River meets the Pacific so no wonder Lewis and Clark set up house in Astoria. Paddling across that expanse would require sweat and muscles. I don't recall pictures of Lewis or Clark being exceptionally muscular or brawny, so it would make perfect sense for them to quit while they were on dry land.

You can click on any of the pictures to enlarge them to retina-scaring, computer-crashing size.

See? I told you it was a long bridge.

Astoria is an eclectic mix of old and new, boasting of the historical must-see sites next to the Pig N Pancake and the brand new Starbucks/Safeway. We also heard about all the movies that were filmed there like Kindgergarten Cop, Goonies and Short Circuit. The boats also caught my eye and I wanted to stow away for a cheap cruise but Mr. Coffee said no. Party Pooper.

We had a wonderful time. I hope we can do this again next year.

I have been told my posts have been resembling a large print volume of War & Peace. Well, this one isn't an improvement but I shall do better.

~Bee still has sand in her shorts

10 August 2006

what were you thinking?!

I had to post this....

I'm spring cleaning. Or summer cleaning. Something like that plus lots of laundry.

In the quest for livening the mundane chore of laundry I've unintentionally taken in more junk TV than a delayed airline passenger. I've also had some weird side effects that include purchasing a Kitchen Chopper and an even more unusual urge to pelt Daisy Fuentes with Pilates DVDs.

Yeah, I'll show you long and lean biceps.

With all this TV for brain food, I've discovered the Textile Mountains are disappearing at incredible rates. It's marvelous to finish the last of the kids clothes as you hear closing arguments of the unassuming, IQ challenged landlord on People's Court. This would be the individual who took the liberty of installing 'harmless' apartment cams unbeknownst to the former tenants. I'm positive the tenants would prefer to take the man outside and settle their differences with an aluminum bat. But, no one would get to see the ugly pictures of the defendant and plaintiff. Have you ever noticed the stills of these people look like they are in the middle of shock therapy?

Ah, Nothing like watching quality shows while separating the whites.

Speaking of shock therapy, you could imagine my shock coming out to this in my backyard from folding Mt. Laundry. This is why I had to post. I don't eeeeven want to know what the kids were thinking. Click on the picture to see this structurally sound idea in all it's glory.

09 August 2006

13 years and fowl play

Mr. Coffee and I celebrated 13 years of marriage on Monday night with a night in. I made sausage-stuffed portabello mushrooms, green beans, mesclun salad and ice cream for dessert. He provided the long stem red roses which made me very mushy indeed.

We plan to have some fun this next weekend, so I will be commenting around and will post again next week.

In other completely unrelated news, I would like a moment of silence for the rat I killed in our backyard today.

The rat. I killed. In our backyard (and yes, I cried).

We have had two empty houses behind us for several months, one remodeling and one open to let. Meanwhile a rat, perhaps two, have co-inhabited the properties, meandering occasionally over to our place. With both homes now occupied, we are surrounded by dog owners except for the family behind us. This miscreant rat has been showing himself in daylight when the kids are in the backyard. The grass length hasn't helped either concealing the rat quite well.

Yesterday evening, hubby set a big trap at the back fence. Early this morning, while coddling my coffee, I stepped out to the quiet of our cul de sac and look out over the sky. I love cloud cover and it looked like rain.


I hear this loud noise coming from the back and ran in from the front drive. I left my cup of joe and grabbed up a stick from the scrap pile next to the house. Protection from vile rodents, no doubt. I cautiously ventured over to see the rat was belly up and not in the trap. I could see him breathing, but otherwise motionless.

Now, what would you do? Let it go? Make sure it was dead? Let it get away? This thing could bite your kids or make them sick invading your house. As it was, my neighbor just replaced her beautiful expensive stove from a rat having climbed up in the stove housing (how it got in her house, she still doesn't know), it then chewed on the electric wires and was electrocuted. Add two weeks and a stench that would make your stomach turn. The dead rat cost her $1200, the price of a new stove. So, how much do hospital stays go for when treating salmonella, tuberculosis or E. Coli in a child?

I stood there for a full 2-3 minutes wondering what I should do. Then the worst happens. The rat jumps up, and cowers just looking at me. It was obviously hurt. Then, it begins to scamper toward me. I started yelling and proceed to hit him on the head with the board. I start crying because he flips over and convulses, bleeding from the mouth. He twitched for about 10 seconds and the whole time I felt like I should get the chair. Mr. Rat pants his last, goes still and dies right in front of me. I cried harder and run in the house. I called my husband.

Mr. Coffee gives me complete sympathy, redeeming himself gloriously from all prior stump grinding activities, "Ohhhhhhh," he kind of laughs but is wonderfully understanding, "Honey, I'm soooo sorry. You had to get it or it could have bit you. It could have bit our kids! You did the right thing. Really. Do you want me to come home?"

I decline, "Thank you, hon, but I'll be okay. ~sniffle~ sniffle~"

After I got off the phone, I ventured back out to make sure he was a goner. I see something out of the corner of my eye. It's a giant hawk up in my cherry tree.

I guess I wasn't the only one disappointed. I must have interrupted someone's breakfast. That's what I call fowl play.

**POST POSTING NOTE: Mr Coffee reset the trap. Mrs. Rat sits in there now only a couple hours later. E

05 August 2006

African Wilderness

I am astounded at the lack of knowledge in my readers when it comes to childhood backyard games. I was sure everyone knew how to play African Wilderness. At least everyone with their childhood summer spent outdoors. So, I will enlighten you in what is involved in the game but you will need to pull out your IMAGINATION.

African Wilderness involves bellying down in knee high grass and peeking through the dried straw at any prey that may pass. It is most effective when the grass is at it's longest length, knee high perhaps, possibly even rivaling the neighboring field that is preparing for hay baling.

This prey could look startlingly like a sibling, maybe a parent's ankle or an unassuming neighborhood feline that would happen across the property. The payoff is the excitement of pouncing with quiet, lion-like stealth through the grass upon said prey for the meriment of all. Unless of course, you are a neighborhood feline and should lose 1 of the proverbial 9 lives in the shock of being startled completely out of your wits.

Now, the length of lawn is due to a particularly funny story.

Mr. Coffee and I had been engaging in an ongoing verbal debate over who had mowed the grass most often. I had regularly mowed the front and back yard and somehow Mr. Coffee was under the misapprehension that he had carried out the brunt of the mowing this year and years previous. Not that he had escaped all of the mowing chores, just not accomplished the lion's share (no pun intended).

This debate finally resulted in my feeble concession and Mr. Coffee subsequently taking off with the mower. Most likely to run victory laps around the yard calling it work. Upon his triumph that involved a little booty shaking dance and his proclamation that I was indeed moded, he managed to encounter a small 4 inch stump just above the ground that turned the mower blade into something that looked most like a rotini pasta noodle.

For some reason, he had not remembered the problematic stump had been in much need of grinding, for the last 4 years. I relished in my sweet taste of victory, ending our debate with me, sporting a pious grin while I quietly stated,

"Oh, honey, lookout. I always go around the tree stump in the yard."

Translation: "Do you want your crow with or without your rotini?"

02 August 2006

better late than later

Well, 4 days is long enough to :

  • Learn you need just one or two more days.
  • Realize you can't paint the hallway when there is a hole that needs repair.
  • Have your relatives ask you to help move.
  • Require Hubby to suddenly work overtime. (not related to aforementioned moving)
  • Have your child survive after being bitten through the fence by the neighbor dog.
  • Know your neighbor will not put down their animal after dog bite incident #6. (this includes Cujo chewing on their own child...twice.)
  • Witness my children playing 'African Wilderness' in my back yard.
  • Know it's time to fix the mower.
  • Attempt to locate and buy a goat, unsuccessfully.
  • Be thankful that grass will finally lay down flat when brown, dry and long enough.
  • Attempt to locate and buy a very hungry goat, unsuccessfully.
  • Play LIFE, Pass the Pigs, Mancala and teach a nine year old how to play Sudoku.
  • Get laundry caught up.
  • Shop and purchase school supplies for the three oldest before Aug 1st. Woo hoo!!
  • Finish two books.
  • Witness the affects of my daughter believing the garbage to be the new 'dishwasher'.
  • Dig 9 dirty spoons from the garbage.
  • Dig into a book that is part of a study group I belong to.
  • List almost all of my DVD's, some books, and some music on my page at www.listal.com
  • Balance my checkbook.
  • Be thankful I had four days with nice 70-80 degree weather.
  • Soak up some sun.
  • Miss my blog pals.
  • Be back tomorrow.

OKAY, now go check out the fundraisers. I challenge you to give, even if it's $5 or $50, every little bit counts! Stephanie is involved in missions in Jamaica. Cach is fund raising for the MDA. My half-sister has Muscular Dystrophy so this is dear to my heart.

Thanks a MILLION!!