31 December 2008

New Year Poetry: Roses Are Still Red

Here is to 2009, a poem or two, for you.

Roses are red
Neighbor's party raising hairs
Apartment life endured
With Michael Flatley upstairs

Roses are red
Yearly resolutions
School, house, self
Some Anti-Christ solution

Roses are red
Learn in bounds and leaps
Getting educated
Happily radiate peeps
Roses are red
Books on the table
My college career
Is no longer fable

Roses are red
I don't dare whine
with healthy, happy family
and Mr. Coffee, divine.

Roses are red
Arrive safely home
Don't drink and drive
I'll scissor kick your dome

Happy New Year!

Best wishes to you and yours and may this year be full of blessings, faith, and love.

~Bee will soon party behind her eyelids
Listening to: 1999 by Prince

28 December 2008

Two Thumbs Up Unless You Lied To The Mafia and They Cut One Off

I have a few requests I need to get out of the way.

First, I want to thank those who heard my plea about a friend who needed a place to stay down in So. California. Things will work out. Moral of the story: Nobody owes you a living but when somebody promises it to you and instead doesn't come through and even more so, you discover they do drugs and hope you will join them? You should bash them on the head with a shovel and run for the hills. Or go on Jerry Springer.

If that makes no sense, then consider yourself blessed. I'm so glad we had this talk.

Second, someone asked me if I'd review the new G1 phone. The incomparable author, actor, and comedian, Mr. Stephen Fry did an amazing review here on his website. Mr Fry is on twitter which led me to his review. He compared the G1 to the other big phones on the market (BB Storm, BB Bold). He did an excellent job. I may not do as well.

I stink at reviews and all the technobabble out there therefore, I'll give you my review of the G1 Google Android Phone in layman's terms.

Are you ready? Gird your loins...

The G1 is an open source phone.

G1 is the model.

The phone hardware itself was made by HTC which I've heard make very good phones. As long as I don't get an ear tumor or die from lead cell phone poisoning, I'm happy.

Google is the branding.

T-Mobile is the phone company you need to sign up for to get one of these babies, at least for now.

Android is the open source software. What is open source? Wikipedia states:

"Open source is an approach to design, development, and distribution offering practical accessibility to a product's source (goods and knowledge)."

Basically, if you are a developer you can make applications for the phone and you won't get sued. It also means that many other cell phone providers will most likely be coming out with their version in the Android phone.

Maybe there is more to it than that but I'm speaking layman's terms here and I'm about to blow a gray-matter rod if I go into more detail.

I ordered the brown color because I am sure when Mr Coffee decides to get one, he will want the black. Now they offer this in white. I would have given my right arm for one in red, but they didn't offer one.

The brown is a muddy-brown, flat color that looks cool. This is what counts. The phone is a little longer than an iPhone, but not as wide. I never liked the delicate feel of the iPhone...but I've never liked iPhones anyway. The G1 has a good solid feel and weight in my hand.

When you activate your phone, since the G1 is still exclusively T-Mobile, T-Mobile requires linking to your google accounts (gmail). I changed out my sim card from my RAZR and with a quick call they switched it all over for me right there on the phone.

If you don't have a gmail address, welcome to email heaven because gmail rocks. Once you sign up or use your existing gmail account, it will download your contacts with a simple sync.

You're good to go.

You can get other mail with mail apps. Gmail is fairly easy. Needs a bulk delete function but I digress. The calendar does not work with google's calendar or outlook yet, but it has the alarms and schedules in the calendar, etc..etc.. the usual. I use my calendar a lot.

Contacts also have a place for addresses so you can easily use the touch screen to look up an address, email, phone or send txt message. I love the integration between apps, maps, and contacts. Google Maps is amazing, seeing pictures of a street view right on your phone.

If that makes no sense, go to google maps and look up street view and satellite view. I like looking down on the Eiffel Tower and the Louvre. I'm a map geek like that.

The caller's gmail address can be added to your phone contacts. You can also select a ring tone or picture for your contact. The gmail photo your contact has chosen will automatically display. I think photo id for incoming calls is a universal cell feature for most phones nowadays. The phone has a screen lock and a drag and drop 'desktop' for apps you love.

The screen's orientation adjusts depending on whether or not the key board is popped out/extended. It has a full QWERTY keyboard which is lovely for texting and emailing.

Translation: Regular keyboard but very tiny. Heh, good luck if you have really fat fingers.

I've found the backlit keys a little hard to read sometimes. I do like that it also has a tiny roller ball that clicks for navigating and works along with the touch screen. I have a plastic film over the top of the screen to protect it and the touch screen still responds well. It also allows cut/paste.

I need a fancy schmancy cover for the whole phone.

The G1 phone has a 3.2 megapixel camera. I would like it more if it was able to zoom or had a flash but it takes good pictures. The phone gives the option of viewing or sending the photos via text or gmail. The phone is not video capable although you can watch videos on the youtube app without issue.

The apps I've used regularly are GPS, maps, notepad, imeem, making my own ringtones, mp3 player, Shazaam, and Compare Everywhere.

Since I regularly beat people with my Bible I thought it best to have a translation on my phone that could work in a pinch. I'm even more thankful my phone is durable to administer said beating when I didn't have the good Book on my person..say when I'm clubbing, hiring a hooker, or at the track betting on a horse.

As for other valuable applications, there are new ones coming out daily. There is always an app for that. I'm still finding out new things the phone can do. Lots of applications to be had. I recently downloaded notepad right on my phone.

There is only one small usb-ish outlet for headphones, charger, computer/file transfer, etc. etc... I have yet to buy a bluetooth, but it is bluetooth capable. I can charge the phone completely in one hour and if I don't use the internet or chat a lot, I can have it on standby for several days. It is also Wi-Fi capable, along with the 3g network. This means nothing to me because I'm the equivalent of a Short Bus Student when it comes to all that jargon. I just know that Wi-Fi drains the mother out of my battery, so I usually keep it off. I also keep the auto-sync feature off for gmail, contacts, etc... I hate remembering to charge my battery.

I do love my phone and I'm pretty easy going about things, however....

1) The volume toggle is on the side and I end up bumping it all the time. I get called and I then I can't hear it. The phone doesn't give a "ring w/vibrate" option or even ring settings, just the toggle. Perhaps an app is being made even as we speak. *I've been told there are many apps that take care of ring setting options.

2) My GPS shows that I live on the freeway and yes, I understand this is not a phone issue but a cell provider issue. The GPS will indicate properly once I start driving. No one will visit me on the freeway.

3) It's a single core processor, so no using maps or reading email while talking on the phone. They'll make a more powerful one, I'm sure but for now, I love my phone.

~Bee's got review skilz, yo.
 Listening to: Build Me Up Buttercup by The Foundations

24 December 2008

My Mother Of The Year Nomination Is Revoked


I have really tried this year. I wanted to be Mother of The Year. I was sure to win it only until I got to the part of the competition for Crafty Mom. Dang it.

This winter school break has been fun with all the snow but I wanted something extra fun they could do. Now that I don't have toddlers to keep out of the presents and away from the glass ornaments, I was ready to attempt it.

Holiday Crafts.

I know, me..the woman who attempted sewing vintage aprons and ended up with really big, expensive dish rags.

As for the kids, they are always up for a good craft. Edible crafts are the best and not just the glue. We started with making our own cookie ornaments. It's not difficult to make cookies and with my grasp of things in the kitchen, I felt very brave. I called my friend, Dapoppins, to ask her for her ornament recipe. But since she answers her phone once in a three month period, I thought it best to google the recipe like any smart mother would.

I googled. We crafted. They stuck to the baking tray like Mother Crafting Piece of Junk.

This is the recipe.

Equal parts applesauce and cinnamon.
Add 1 teaspoon of glue for every ½ cup of ingredients.
You can bake them to accelerate the hardening process.

HOW can you mess this up?! Well, you couldn't. I can always find a way.

Once the kids were finished playing with the dough and shapes, we laid them out. I was so proud of us until 3 hrs later, I had to chisel them off the stupid baking tray.

I talked with Dapoppins a day later and she said to leave out the glue. Her ornaments look and smell amazing year after year. Man, I hate her....and I'm saying that with as much love as I can muster with dismembered gingerbread ornaments at the bottom of my garbage can.

Next trip to the grocery and I scored a gingerbread house kit thingie. 75% off should have been a clue to what I'd be buying. The kids were excited at another stab at crafting and I wanted to be able to say I made one craft with the kids.

I needed to bolster my craft cred.

We laughed, sang along to music, and had fun building together. Sadly, our attempts at a gingerbread house looked more like the Gingerbread Man was living in a repo-ed Gingerbread FEMA trailer. Down by the river.

I failed miserably but the kids had fun and that's what Christmas crafts are about. Laughing hysterically at the Partially Dismembered Ornament People living in the Gingerbread Projects.

~Bee wishes you a very Merry Christmas.
Listening to: Song For A Winter's Night by Sarah McLachlan

22 December 2008

If Only

Once upon a time there was a woman who waited until the last minute to go Christmas shopping for her family. When she finally hit the mall there were so many people that she vowed never to do that again and considered going to a wilderness cabin to live out the rest of her days chopping wood and crocheting doilies.

The End.

~Bee is frantically looking for scotch tape.
Listening to:  White Christmas by Someone Very Happy

19 December 2008

What Shapes Us All

Lately, I've plunked down before the computer and stare. I feel if I entertain you with fits of laughter, you'll come back. I think if I can connect to you on a comedic level, you'll like me and tell your friends. You may think I can't write a serious sentence without goofing off. In contrast, I'm more afraid if I write seriously, most of you will leave wanting to put a gun barrel in your mouth.

I have this intrinsic need to be validated. When everyone and their dog was doing the love languages book by Gary Chapman, I scored big on validation/affirmation. Not surprising, I guess. I already know I'm a people pleaser and need people to like me for me. I get scared when I show who I am that I'll be rejected. What to do when people don't like me? I'll do my darndest to win them over. I know, I know, it's one of those juvenile statements that people think, but don't say outloud. Well, I'm saying it.

I'm sure this validation is a throwback to my childhood stint in foster homes and the abandonment issues they caused. Whatever. I think it might be deeper, like the fact that I watched too many Wonder Woman cartoons and my parents made me eat all my lima beans. Regardless of the reason, it's part of who I am.

I don't write about my every day because it bores the bajingo out of me. In fact, keeping to more silly and humorous writing is easy, but also a crutch for me. I may not be the most composed in thought, nor could I point to Kazakhstan on a world map. (somewhere near the other "-stans" in the Middle East) I could however, drone on like the rest of them when I tell you what I care about and makes me tick. HPV. Partial birth abortions. Dead beat Dads. People who communicate like a 2nd grader. The perfect lasagna recipe.

I think back to the days of foster care. My mother, a schizophrenic, who couldn't properly care for us four girls when my father was involved in a traumatic motorcycle accident. The accident left him with a severely broken leg and left us girls in foster care.

I don't remember much of that time, being 3 years old. Yet, I have a few flashbacks. One in particular was finding myself in a cold room with sparce furnishings. It was bedtime. I can only assume it was in the home of a foster family. I sat up in the dimly lit room; the hall light visible only through the slit in the bedroom door that was left ajar. I looked out the window and hated not knowing what was going on. There alone on my bed, I watched the rain come down with every drop silhouetted by the lone street lamp below. I remember thinking how much I didn't want to be there. I wanted to cry, scream, punch..anything to make things different. I didn't want to be alive. I clearly felt I wanted to leave the earth because I felt so unimportant. At 3 years old, I wanted to die.

I am a deep thinker. Most probably darker than most only because of where I've come from and managed to push through in life. I am a worrier by nature, control freak, over-thinker, and idealist, but also one who can wrap my brain around anything logical or emotional. I often have my brain going 100 miles faster than where I am at. I'd pause to answer in grade school, and they thought me a dunce. As an adult, I've suffered in jobs and relationships because I'm honest in how I speak and don't imply or take hints. The older I get the more I hone the art of speaking my mind diplomatically. That's the key.

I look back at my childhood and know how it shaped the person who I am. They say what doesn't kill you makes you stronger....or is it that it gives you something good to blog about? I'd say those darker days give me something good to blog about because it's forced me to look at the bright side (humorous side) of anything life throws at me. Like laughing hysterically at the news that the Anti-Christ has a $2200 repair.

Sure, I have my days, just like anyone. But if you wonder why I like to make fun of even the worst of what comes my way, know that it's because I won't let the worst kill me.

I don't know if this is a right way to be. Coping mechanism, denial or insanity...whatever you want to label it...it's my way. If you find that idea dysfunctional or 'wrong', do tell me about your 3 year old wish to die and your schizophrenic mother. I'm all ears and ready to wear your shoes. In the meantime, I might find something for you to laugh about. I've found that indeed, laughter IS the best medicine.

~Bee gets philosophical on her daily walks.
Listening to: Well Enough Alone by Chevelle

15 December 2008

My Van Is Really The Anti-Christ

Well, the beat goes on or is that me banging my head against a wall until I pass out?

As you've read earlier, The Anti-Christ is now kaput. Call the Waambulance, I'm freaking out.

Mr Coffee called our local trusty, outstanding mechanic and they said it would be $2200 for the transmission. I can't stop laughing. This is not happening. We've already been sucked dry these last three months to the tune of $1500, the van is 12 years old, and is due for it's scheduled blown head gasket in about 10K miles. I would cry if not for this pathetic laughing.

Mr Coffee and I joked we should leave The Anti-Christ overnight with the keys in it but since it only drives in neutral, I doubt a car thief would get it out of the driveway.

I've never hated a vehicle as much as this one. Hate is a selective word. You can dislike many things: lima beans, Ugg boots, giant car spoilers. But hate is a special word reserved for taxes and people who talk loud in a movie theater. And Anti-Christ vehicles. It's been said but I emphasize to you, my dear reader, If you ever find yourself in a position to buy a vehicle from friends or family? Don't do it. Just don't. Nothing good ever comes from this.

In the meantime, we have no money for a vehicle like everyone else in the US right now, no credit, and Mr Coffee's work has suddenly slowed down. I'm walking nearly ¾ a mile to my daughter's school in 26F degree weather (that's 13F degrees with the windchill) and I'm walking back with her. I also start school in the first week of January. Automobiles are never thoughtful about their imposing inconveniences, are they?

Just think of me today. Thanks all...

~Bee says haters gotta hate
Listening to: Mother Mother by Tracy Bonham

13 December 2008

Chestnuts Roasting Near An Open Car Fire

I don't know whether to laugh or cry. Today has not been a good day.

The plan was easy. I would drive over to the Dapoppins estate and watch all of our kids. All eight of the kids would have wild fun. The Dapoppinses would go on a long-overdue date, and Mr Coffee would be left by his lonesome at our apartment to paint, play the bass, read, and scratch as he saw fit.

No. Not today.

I got a few miles down the road and my van, aka "The Anti-Christ", started clunking and jerking like I was learning how to drive a standard again. This is a bad sign when The Anti-Christ is an automatic. I pulled off the road and find that it won't engage in any gear.

I called Dapoppins and her kids turned on her in a Spanish Inquisition Because Mom's On The Phone kind of way. She was completely unable to hear, let alone understand my dire plea. I offered to watch the kids if she would pick me up. She still couldn't hear me and I hung up. Just FYI, in her defense, she would have picked me up, had she been able to hear.

I called Mr Coffee but only after cursing the day we bought the van and beating the engine with a tire iron. I felt better and tried to look cheerful for the kids sake.

Mr Coffee picked us up in his two-seater truck full of work tools in the back. 

I found it interesting that with my 21 years of driving, Mr Coffee found it necessary to jump in the driver's seat and try to make the van go. I'm not mad or think him condescending however, I do think this is a man thing. Woman can't make it work? Man can do it.

Could you ever picture a woman being told by a man that his vehicle is broken down? She would think it's broken down. Now, if a woman tells a man her car is broken down, he will open the hood, and try to restart or drive it, regardless of his mechanical prowess. I do not get this.

As it goes, Mr Coffee miraculously managed to get The Anti-Christ to drive, but only forward in neutral.. Of course, I'm the Woman who did not think of this particular gear because Woman drive around in neutral only during road trips to the moon while smoking a hookah pipe and drinking decaf coffee.

Being stuck on the side of the road put all child-sized kidneys into full production and suddenly each one of them is merely one sneeze away from peeing their pants. Starbucks was just across the field, so us girls wouldn't have to worry about finding a place to pee on our feet....get privacy.

By the time we hit Starbucks bathroom doors, my face was numb and the kids were nearly icicles. It was then I remembered I have zero cash on me and no way to get coffee or drinks for the kids. One of the managers gave us free drinks, more likely owing to her recognizing me as the Black Coffee Free Refill lady.

My BIL came to the rescue and picked up the kids while Mr Coffee drove The Anti-Christ home, in neutral. My BIL was very gracious and I was very thankful the kids didn't have to walk.

Since Mr Coffee took on the risk of driving the Anti-Christ, I was assigned to drive the work truck. I managed to pull the ball off the gear shift twice and nearly killed myself trying to see through the reams of paper and ketchup packets all over the dash. I'm fairly OCD about keeping my dash devoid of papers or junk. It's a huge pet peeve, but Mr Coffee evidently keeps his file cabinet there along with receipts from 1985.

If you can envision a truck with slits for driving. The odoriferous wafting odor of old Mexican food and dust. A driver's seat with blown out springs. Add rear view mirror ornaments: a few phone/ipod charging cords, hanging flashlights, a small pup tent, and a small farm animal on the rear view mirror and you, too can recreate my moment of claustrophobic driving.

I was quickly reminded of how much I prefer a standard over an automatic. And hey, it drives in all the right gears and isn't a freezing walk home.

The day did not improve which included an over-flowing toilet in the master bedroom. Of which, my rare expletive completely described what I would be cleaning up off the floor thanks to my daughter who miraculously evacuates everything south of her esophagus about once a week.

If you are wondering why I have any sense of humor left, you can blame it on the 14 oz tub of caramel left over from Thanksgiving, a Hornsby's hard apple cider, and the charred bonfire in my driveway that may or may not resemble The Anti-Christ.

~Bee did not think this was her best day EVER.
Listening to nothing. I couldn't see the radio.

10 December 2008

This Tin Of Cookies Is Staring At Me

Who doesn't love a good dessert? And how they surround me.

Yesterday, I went over to a fellow blogger's house for the 2nd Annual Bakepalooza. I think it's an official 3rd Annual but I've only been twice. LoveyH is once again, the hostess with the mostest. She had the house decorated for Christmas. She also managed to keep a spotless house with a quick vacuum once-over in the kids area after they ate. How I wish I was that disciplined. Anyway, the vacuum was pretty high tech and yellow. We, however, were green with envy.

Who else wants appliances for Christmas? That would be me.

There is nothing much to say other than we (Dapoppins, Avery Gray, LoveyH and I) had loads of fun baking, eating, goofing off...and no alcohol or bail money was involved. Pictures were taken by Dapoppins although I used an equal amount of blackmail, the likes of which only a friendship of 21 years could produce. We won't be seeing Bakepalooza pics anytime soon and yes, this is a good thing.


I'm officially getting my education now that I've enrolled for my winter classes. I'll emerge from school with a degree in Applied Science. Doesn't that sound official? I had to rearrange my schedule to take English as my first class and math following. I had my math class first but I got curious over the English professor's track record.

Have you seen this site, Rate My Professors? Sounds cheesy, but I found it invaluable. When someone has four solid years of many bad reviews as a teacher, I understand why a class wasn't filling at the same rate as the others. I prefer to be graded by my own merit and with the competition I'll be facing come diploma time, I can't afford a poor grade. I re-registered and appear to have very well liked and competent teachers. Go me!

~Bee is aiming at shorter posts. heh.
Listening to: Radio Christmas Music

03 December 2008

Do You See What I See?

Since I can import all my posts now from another blog, you may find my archives filling up quickly. Go me!

Do you ever find yourself laughing at your own writing. I've got to be one of the most narcissistic peeps on the planet. Man, I crack myself up.

Speaking of cracking myself up, I'm compiling my yearly list of Christmas music to avoid. I may or may not have made these up.

*Christmas Shoes Are Pinching My Feet

*Peaches and Herb's Christmas Reunion

*Wall Street Shafted Me Christmas

*Homeless Roasting Near An Open Fire

*Black Friday Shoppers Will Activate Your Dental Insurance

*Doozie Goes To Court At Christmas: Pelize Stabalot

*I've Got Mr Coffee To Keep Me Warm

*Kabbalah's Rudolph, The Red Bracelet Reindeer

*Dance of The Shovel Whacking Fairy

*All I Want For Christmas Is A Green Borat Speedo

*Beano Presents: Silent Night

*Snoop Dog's Pimpin' In Santa's Sleigh

*Amy Winehouse, The Woman With The Bag

*Mos Def's Fat Booty Santa

*I'm Dreaming of An Employed Christmas

*Here Comes Santa Claus In His Hybrid Electric Car

*Al Gore Raps The Christmas Story

*I'll Have A Beer Christmas Without You

*Jerry Springer Christmas: My Family Tree Don't Fork

*Ding! Fries Are Done Soundtrack (only click on this if you want this song stuck in your head)

*Fireman Choir Sings: Put Out That Yule Log, I'm Coming Down!

*Walmart Exclusive: I Got My Front Tooth For Christmas

*Man, Santa's Hot! with the smash hit single: Oh, Holy Cow..It's Mr. Coffee

*Starbucks Hear Music: Santa's Making More Coffee Cup Ornaments

*Elves Reunion Special: I'll Have a Chinese Lead Poisoned Christmas

*Myspace Christmas: I Saw Mommy Kissing Everyone

*Politically Correct Christmas Vol 1 & 2:
The 12 Days Of A Holiday Season with bonus track~
Away In An Animal Enclosure Turned Hospital Birthing Suite

~Bee sticks to the classics

27 November 2008

Albuquerque Turkey Beef

~Happy Thanksgiving!~

Thanksgiving is upon us and soon Christmas. How very thankful I am this year...and SO blessed.

After Thanksgiving, this country will morph into Christmastime. My kids have listened to Christmas music all week. I have a beef w/that but I've changed my 'song' a little and well, didn't ban the music to be played after the Thanksgiving holiday. I don't want Thanksgiving to disappear at our house.

And as for Black Friday? I'm braving it with friend the first time in 9 years. Getting up at 4am and running the gauntlet. In a nutshell:

Beef = bad.
Turkey = good.
Beef with gravy = good.
Christmas Music and Holly Decor = good.
Turkey, Holly Decor and gravy = bad. Hospital me no likey.

Thanksgiving is one of my favorite holidays next to Christmas. Family, food, and flexing my cooking skills. I didn't make a Chocolate Rum Chocolate Chip Cheesecake this year, but I plan on it before the month is out. Anything that takes alcohol and 2 pounds of cream cheese has to be good.

In light of the holidays, I leave you with a poetic gem from my children.

Albuquerque Turkey
- Anonymous
(Sung to the tune of 'Clementine')

Albuquerque he's my turkey
Oh he's feathered and he's fine
He wobbles and he gobbles
And I'm awfully glad he's mine.

He's the best pet
You could ever get.
Better than a dog or cat.
Albuquerque he's my turkey
And I'm awfully glad of that.

Albuquerque he's my turkey
He's so cozy in his bed
Because for our Thanksgiving dinner
We had scrambled eggs instead.

~Bee doesn't have to cook the Turkey this year.

24 November 2008

I'm Thankful For Turkey

Be thankful for the little things. When my daughter was about 3, she suffered under the misconception that Cheese was the food pyramid. The whole pyramid. And of course, when Thanksgiving came around, she was 'thankful for cheese'. It's the little things, right?

Since the season of thankfulness is upon us and Thanksgiving week at that, I'll start off right with a post of all the things that I am thankful for. This is, of course, not complete albeit, it is fairly comprehensive.

I'm thankful for the discovery of good vitamins. Vitamins are important even though I've sworn off all junk food and soda for years now. I take a woman's formula because I got kind of beardy when I ran out and took Mr Coffee's man vitamins.

I guess tweezers and Nads wax is another thing I am thankful for. Although, I don't know how much more hair removal can I take. I'm beginning to look like Big Foot addicted to Rogaine.

I'm thankful for new internet service that is so fast, I'm watching youtube back in high school. Like, totally rad and fast.

I'm thankful for coffee. I'm staring at my empty coffee mug merely wishing I could make a cup and drink it without the repercussions. A girl needs her beauty sleep and every hour before 11pm is like a bird in the bush and you can't believe it's not decaf. Something like that. If I get to bed at 9:30pm then I can wake up early and only hit the snooze 17 times.

I'm thankful that none of the kids have gotten the plague from school this year. It takes our family a whole season to get rid of the crud. The kids take turn licking the floor at the grocery and sneezing on everyone just for fun.

I'm thankful for the time I have alone in the morning, sans grocery floor licking festivities. I've turned those hours into reading time and I'm beginning to see my kitchen sink and the bottom of my clothes hampers.

I'm thankful for losing 8 lbs these last two weeks. Am I not supposed to gain during the holiday season? It has to be the vitamins. They tend to get stuck when I swallow them but I can usually wash them down easy enough with a hard cider and a giant bear claw.

I'm thankful that Mr Coffee has work. This Christmas we'll be able to shop further than the dollar store.

I'm thankful that at 36, I'm going to be in school the first week of Jan and I'm going to learn how to radiate people with xrays and MRIs. woohoo!

I'm thankful for family, of which I have so much of locally, I undoubtedly end up making someone cheesed to the back teeth because Wayne does not do Mobile Thanksgiving. It's hard when family can't all get together at once. Thanksgiving is one house, lots of food, family, being thankful while lounging and watching TV. Also, stretchy pants. I'm thankful for my independent kids and tall, dark, and hawt Mr Coffee. I can't gush enough. I love them because they are perfect...for me.

I am thankful we are not having tofurkey.

There are a few other things I am thankful for but in no particular order: clean public toilet seats, eye cream, charged phone batteries, yarn, the library drive-through drop box, duct tape, gift certificates, smooth heels and feet, sleeping kids, new text book smell, Earth2o water, and old photos. That's most of what comes to mind right now.


Lastly, I'm thankful for my friends. It's an odd thing but I've realized these last few years have been invaluable to me because of the friends who support, care, and listen. It's a gift to build a friendship on trust, honesty, respect, and doing things together that require bail money. Friendships like that are the best and for those, I am deeply, truly, and whole-heartedly thankful.

~Bee is thankful we are not having tofurkey.
Listening to: Take Five by Dave Brubeck

18 November 2008

Bee-ing Real

I've decided to bust free this week. I've been writing 'quietly' since closing my old blog earlier this year. It's turned out more like I'm hiding 'out in the open'.

My reasoning was threefold:
1) I wanted to reinvent myself online
2) challenge my writing abilities
3) I'm still learning how to be okay with being me

I write about this openly because I refuse to suppress who I am because of fear. I refuse to hide my writing on the off-chance I may be misunderstood and make someone mad. If all writers wrote in the fear of offending someone, this world would be horribly absent of some of the greatest literature ever composed.

I stand in the truth that no one has the right to tell me how I feel. If you have issue with my sentiment? You should read elsewhere. I'm also not ashamed by anything I write. Which reminds me....excuse this short interruption.

I prefer making people laugh talking about my day. If I encourage another person, my work here is solid.

If you think I am writing about you, I am not.

Now with that out of the way, on to lovelier and sweeter things...

Did you know Starbucks' Advent Calenders have a little chocolate piece for each day to count down the days to Christmas? This is typical for an Advent Calendar but did you also know the label on said calendar has a nutritional value that states, "Serving Size = 3 pieces". Now how does that work?

This week is going to be interesting. I have a lot going on including a Woman's Mentoring thingie.

Typically, I don't look forward to any women's functions. Anyone else like this? I wake the morning of and dread going anywhere. But when I muster the strength to get to the activity, I'm always glad I went. Am I the only weird one like this?

Now, these moms are not the stereotype perfect June Cleaver Moms. These are real women with cheerios stuck in the seats of the van, degrees in PlayDoh, and a totally clean house about once a week. I'm going to fit right in.

Honestly, I haven't seen a few of these women (friends) for well over a year now. I hope I don't do or say anything not-smart, but this is me we are talking about. I probably will and further will blog about it in grand fashion.

~Bee's five year old daughter says, "Bees sting people by wrecking them."

08 November 2008

The Best Part Of Waking Up Is Free Shipping

I like to wake up on Sunday mornings, smooth down my bedhead, and read the paper while I make out with a cup of black coffee. I love having the paper delivered.

Getting the paper delivered is a necessity in these economic times. I figure by clipping the coupons in the paper, it should offset the cost of a paper being delivered. I can save a lot of money this way but I'm tempted to spend on a few of the mail order products. Here are a few Sunday ads that caught my attention. The minds that birthed these products are brilliant and unparalleled. 

Cleansing Detox Foot Pads

I wonder why these go on the feet and not over your belly say, for food poisoning or across your forehead for dirty thoughts. The Japanese company advocates the pads only for the feet. Are the feet of Japanese especially pungent and toxic?

For the record, I always sleep with my bare feet sticking out of the covers and with a bamboo plant next to my bed.

But foot detoxing is still good news. Say you are a party animal. After loading up on crack, booze, and pork rinds, you can slap on these bad boys (assuming you can still find your feet) and they will adsorb all bodily impurities. There is nothing more comforting than knowing you are cleansed when you awaken on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a lampshade, a toga robe, and of course, two toxin-filled pads on the bottom of your feet. You'll look more rested than a day at some frou frou spa.

Demon Treats

Yes, you read that right. When you do party like a rockstar, Target wants you to buy the seasonal Demon Treats. I kid you not.

I am disturbed by their casual use of naming candy after the supernatural world of all things evil. Do you have to cross yourself to go down this isle? Do the employees' heads spin a 360 when they are putting these on the shelf? I dare not ask.

Target also disappoints me in not being an equal opportunity candy supplier because they were all out of Chester Molester Chews and Death Row Dum-Dums. Don't even get me started on their deplorable lack of B & E Peanut Butter Cups. 
Stained Glass Clock

Since you have now been detoxed, you should be making better choices, starting with the Stained Glass Clock. Now, I will not make fun of Jesus because I am a Bible believer but Jesus image on clocks, plates, watches, wallets...I don't get it. In fact, my sisters and I used to hide our Last Supper nightlight because we thought all their eyes were watching us in the dark. The good news is that if you are ever tempted to buy Demon Treats, I would instead do something more edifying with your money, like this Stained Glass Clock.


Who is your baby daddy? This seemed funny to me when I scanned the picture. Now? Not so much but I do wonder....

Do they include multiple swabbing sticks in that kit? How many test tubes/swabs do they include before they hear the woman is insulted? (5? 10? 20?)

Either way, the woman just had a baby and will need to get back in shape. Have no fear! The Tummy Shaper will help. This will suck your fat away with infrared technology.

Lipo Tummy Shaper

Most women are worried about muffin top. The Lipo halter apparently provides great results because of the Bio Ceramic Dots for "Far InfraRed" Weight loss. I can't wait for them to come out in a dickie style so I don't have to worry about my muffin neck anymore.

This wonder is basically like poor man's body armor. I could get excited about the figure-shaping design if it could shave off 5, 10, 80lbs. What thrills me is that wearing this simple garment will allow me to drive through the bad parts of town completely protected. I will rest easy knowing that if I decide to take down a Drug Lord in my Ford Minivan, the Bio Ceramic Dots will protect me.

Blair Sweatshirts

Who under 65 wears these?  All you need is some snazzy hat and your ready to go shuffle boarding.

Lastly, this is one is my favorite.

Discount Hat

I think these hats are such a great idea in this economic climate. I'm buying one for everyone in the family.

~Bee is always ready for double coupon day
Listening to: The Entire U2 Album, How To Dismantle An Atomic Bomb

01 November 2008

4th Blogger BDay

I'm four today!

Woot! Happy Bloggy Birthday to ME!

~Bee likes cake (the food)
Listening to: Cake (the band)

23 October 2008

Blueteeth Gone Wild

I ordered a new G1 phone and have to purchase a bluetooth headset. Anyone have an affordable one they recommend?

I'll forgo the assimilation with the 'resistance is futile' and all, but there has to be a headset that is fairly comfortable, easy to use, and all without making the user look like an idiot. I'll be standing next to a woman in the grocery line. Business as usual and all of a sudden she'll belt out, "Well, that sounds great! I'll see you at home by 6:30."

Was that her OB/GYN?

Our state laws require hands-free phone devices. It's an outstanding idea however, why don't double-cheeseburger stuffers and cigarette smokers have the same type of laws? Isn't talking on your cell much safer than navigating a vehicle while holding a cancerous plant that also happens to be on fire?

Lastly, a shout out to Sweet Juniper, who is now going in my official blog stalker shrine as Favorite New Read. If you prefer dry humor and outstanding writing, I'd highly recommend reading. This post on an abandoned school left me in awe and this one on school pictures made me laugh outright.

~Bee is turning 4 soon.
Listening to: Chopin, lots and lots of Chopin.

21 October 2008

Let's Skip The Swimsuit Competition

Mr Coffee is already asleep. I am not. Maybe I'm getting old and not needing my 9 hours of sleep every night.

I'm considering the wisdom in drinking that triple-venti latte at about 6pm.

My kid-free morning flew by today. It's another half-day of school for the kids with a repeat tomorrow. In the throes of childlessness, I decided to enjoy the calm before the storm and picked up a sewing book I'd ordered. I hope to finish some aprons before ripping out more than a quarter-million stitches and producing what turned out to be pretty over-sized dishrags.

I'm blowing off years of dust from my sewing machine. It's a bad realization to find stitched fabric couched between the bobbin and needle, to then suddenly remember said fabric was what was left over from the demo at the sewing machine tune-up place.

You know? The place I took my machine into about three years ago? Tune Up Bob told me it was bad to let my sewing machine sit for long periods of time. I'm so happy I took his advice to heart.

As for the half-days, I'd gather that in the school district's deplorable lack of funding, the Big Cogs in the Educational Wheel of District Budgeting brainstormed and declared that half-days of school every couple of weeks in order to eliminate that spendy extra order of plastic sporks.

My morning Kindergartner goes to school for about two hours on days like this. Why bother for two hours, you ask?

Let us be reasonable. Without those two hours, she is missing vital elements to her school career.

Recess. I will make sure she runs around the lawn a few times to make up for lost recess. Problem solved.

Standing in line. Moving on.

Telling older bullies to "watch your mouth" when she is pushed down on the bus and told to shut up. Not to worry, she'll own his crayons before the year is out. She has older brothers. She can hold her own when needed.

You wanna knuckle swammidge?

A half-day of school is not complete without my daughter experiencing some juicy excitement for the Parent Teacher Conferences. I like all of their teachers, but I do have a few issues with my son's teacher.

His teacher was once a beauty queen. An honest to goodness bonefide beauty queen. Apparently, Teacher BQ has taken her experience, like map reading in South Africa and solving world hunger, to the humble walls of elementary grade academia. The parade wave is a skill no teacher should be without on their resume.

Teacher BQ is outgoing by nature and implored parents (me) to email, call, or talk to her with concerns. I had a few in the beginning of the year and yet, she was passive, condescending, and cc-ed the school counselor, assistant principal, and principal in what I can only guess was in an effort to humiliate me and waste taxpayer dollars. I wonder if she could teach with that tiara punched down her neck? And really, does cc-email competency come with lessons on how to keep your suit from riding up your crack?

It doesn't help that the Teacher BQ was born the year Mr Coffee graduated from high school. I don't even know if she can ride on the big kid rides yet, let alone buy beer.

My son likes her and honestly, I would too, if it wasn't for her inexperience and cleavage. His complaints are that he "is tired of doing lower grade BABY math" and that his teacher "shows too much boob crack."

Something to bring up in the PT Conference...all in a half-days work.

~Bee does not like teacher boob crack in a room full of elementary aged kids.

20 October 2008

I'm Not A Rude Dude

No person has been harmed in the idles of my disappearance, although I've been told I will be beaten profusely with a large, dirty shovel if I don't get over here and tell you all what opprobrious deeds in which I have been faithfully engaging.

Genealogy. Laundry. Books. More Books. Library. Getting pedicure. Paying Bills. Composting in the back of my van. Killing houseplants. Watching Mongol. Staying out of sibling drama. Couch shopping. Parent Teacher Meetings. Make yummy tacos. 6 bags of stuff to Goodwill. Sewing. Making Vintage Aprons. Reorganize linen closet. Run 10 miles this last week total. Lie about running. Jog 10 miles. Lie about jogging. Walk 10 miles like a big, fat baby. Be honest about the walking 10 miles like a big fat baby part. Burn music for kids. Watch Chicka Chicka Boom Boom with Kindergartner. Make brownies. Mop kitchen. Decorate fireplace mantle with fall stuff. Make killer manicotti. Make trip(s) to Starbucks. Go to vintage bookstore. See City of Ember with daughter. Finish reading Wives and Daughters (third time). Buy books at Goodwill. Loads of email. Rearrange furniture.

Boy am I tired.

It took some doing to yank the rain barrel out and shave off a chunk of lye cake, but after some serious elbow grease I'm done with the laundry. Isn't that exciting? Maybe not to you, but this is good news to my boys who went commando once last week from lack of unders.

Mother of the Year.

While I'm accepting that award, I might as well get Manners of the Year. Pope-rah was on last week and I saw her show on our country's rudeness. Starting with people who call her Pope-rah, like she is the mouth-piece of God.

I don't think so.

As for manners? I'd say parents and care-givers need to step up and teach kids manners. Simple things like please and thank you and then onto bigger things like taking up your own dishes and not farting (loudly) in public.

I found Pope-rah's quiz fairly telling. Here are my responses and feel free to comment yours.

♦Are you chronically late?
No. We have a saying at our house. Knowing Mr Coffee, it's probably from some Roman or Greek General, or Yoda.."When you are early, you are on time. When you are on time, you are late. When you are late, you are dead."

♦Have you ever typed an e-mail while talking on the phone?
Yes. I only do this when I am on the phone with the person I'm sending it to. And does Spider Solitaire count?

♦Have you ever interrupted a face-to-face conversation to take a non-urgent cell phone call?
Yes. I usually ask if it's okay to take the call.

♦Have you gone through a supermarket 10-item express lane with more than 10 items?
Yes. I usually shop early in the morning and all they have open is the express lane. So, purposefully? No.

♦While among friends or co-workers, have you yawned without covering your mouth?
NO. I think this is so gross. Who wants to see all those fillings?! Cover your pie hole. The world thanks you.

♦Have you ever texted or talked on a cell phone in a movie theater?
No and never will unless there is an earthquake while watching a movie and I'm buried in the rubble with my cell phone, only to saw off my arm with a spork to free myself from certain butter-topping death.

♦Have you let your dog relieve himself on your neighbor's lawn?
No and this is easy because I do not have any pets. My kids however...let's not talk about that.

♦Have you ever cut in front of someone in line?
No but I've had people cut in front of me, God rest their souls.

♦Have you ever stolen someone's parking spot?
No. I park way out for the exercise and to keep people from dinging the heck out of my doors.

♦Have you ever let your child kick the back of the seat in front of him and not apologized to the person sitting there?
No but when a parent is asking their child to apologize to you or yours, please do not say, "It's okay..." because if it was okay, then the child would not be prompted to apologize. "I forgive you" is a far better option.

♦Do you RSVP?
Yes, in fact, I try to do it the day I receive the invite. This is a huge pet peeve of mine, as anyone who has planned a party can attest. I try to leave off the invitation something like the date or location of the party so as to get people to RSVP.

♦Do you gossip?
No but we Christians call this a "prayer chain". Seriously, though...I never share anything I wouldn't want attributed to me and repeated on a loudspeaker. I only have three people I really share all with, and one is Mr Coffee.

♦Have you ever taken someone else's food or drink from the office refrigerator? No. I would further bludgeon the person who takes the last of the coffee and leaves the empty pot on the hot burner plate and doesn't make more. This person should be force fed a pot of day old grounds.

A few last pet peeves of mine? Not washing hands after using the bathroom. Being a Know-It-All (I hate that in myself). Eating with your mouth open. Car door dings. Not saying thank you when someone holds your door open. Parking like a beached whale. Not taking responsibility for one's own actions. Bringing your sick kids around me and other kids when you know your kids are sick.

Those are a few. So am I rude? I guess only if I am bludgeoning you with an empty coffee pot. That might be considered rude.

~Bee uses a napkin and points her pinkie when she drinks her coffee

12 October 2008

There Is No Spoon

There is a lot to be said in my earlier poll about judgments, stereotypes, body image, and discrimination..for both sides of the scale. You can see the results on my weight poll if you go back a post or two..

Maybe this is the very reason blogging appeals to me. Beyond my Amazon height, junk in the trunk, and slightly chipped front tooth, there are people who befriend me based on things that are, well..more than skin deep.

Blogging is a community of people who have the ability to "meet" someone's personality first. How often do you get that kind of opportunity?

When you come to my blog, you see my blog design and creative side. By writing, I can procure a laugh, an amen, or take a stab at some odd observation. It's blogging that makes it possible to empathetically commiserate over your worries or invite you into an idea that inspires or teaches.

Not once while blogging will I be thought of as the skinniest or fattest in the room. For a woman, that is a load off, only because of our society that places so much emphasis on youth and beauty.

What happened to wisdom and character?

I know. It's not a perfect world as long as we have eyes to see and places of power to rise up and meet. Blogging to me is a welcome substitute for the imperfect reality. Case in point....

This weekend I went to a 5 year old's party for my daughter's friend. I felt like an outsider, with the moms seemingly knowing each other. I however, knew no one.

The dads and I seemed out of place watching the kids bob up and down in the gigantic inflatable castle-slide thingie and in intervals, eating too much junk food. Nothing is as bonding for guys as sitting and talking about the awesomeness of gigantic inflatable thing that may induce bodily harm. Well, maybe blowing up gigantic inflatable castle-slide thingies with a stick of dynamite and then eating pizza afterwards.

One of the dads struck up a conversation with me. I didn't feel like answering loads of personal questions, so I started asking him about his family. Nothing too straightforward. People love to talk about themselves and so it went he was happy to oblige me with answers. He was friendly, but his wife came over immediately and made a point to meet me. She sent him to the car for an errand.

She knew nothing about me and she was afraid I was trolling on her husband. It was so weird. I wished Mr Coffee had been there, so she wouldn't have felt she had to follow me around. But in the meantime. I was just as bored as he was and for that alone? Guilty as charged.

I did learn from the wife/mom that my youngest is part of a clique at school.

You see, girls do this. Boys do not until they are much older in school and share cheat codes to World of Warcraft or group up and vote on whether or not hygiene is really that important.

The news came out. I was informed my 5 year old daughter is just short of joining the Hell's Angels.

My baby girl is the King Pin for The BFF Club in Kindergarten.

HUH? That was the first I'd heard of it.

My daughter has no clue what BFF means. I've never used that term, let alone witnessed her usage of it. I should complain because it is another child that has soiled my Kindergartner's vocabulary with pop culture acronyms. INMP, meh. The mom at the birthday party further informed me that the girls indiscriminately kick each other off the Club and the next day they are allowed back in if they are nice. I wish I could do this in a PTA meeting.

This mom acted like this was one step short of juvie. She might as well have said these girls take blood pacts, pack heat under their pink-hooded, fleece-lined coats, and sell crack straight from their Strawberry Shortcake lunch pails.

I had never met these moms until that day, but I felt judged over something ridiculous like a BFF Club. They are 5 and 6 year olds! This is how they play. But for me? I'm the one standing on my own conversing with strangers who are married.

Home-wrecker and Man-stealer. Encourage Gang Activity. Not Shoving Myself Into Their Private Jokes? I would rather be online with my blog friends? Heck yeah.

~Bee is teaching her daughter to steal cars next week. Fo Shizzle, my dizzle....

04 October 2008

What Do You Think?

I'm in the mood to post right now. I haven't been feeling it. I guess after nearly 4 years of blogging one gets slumped.

I'm feeling the writing bug, not to be confused with the louse I found on my daughter's scalp last week. I want to scissor-kick the head of the parent that won't speak up when their child ends up infected. Now my kids are tucked in. Mr Coffee is hanging out with out-of-town friends from Bible College. I'm here awake by my lonesome and the TV to keep me company. News gets me annoyed...ha. Nothing like airsoft pistols at school and stolen Obama signs to make you feel warm and cozy at night. Tomorrow I'm hoping to go a whole 3 miles and try to jog it. I haven't run in forever. I've been working my bahookie on the treadmill and hopefully my thyroid won't explode before I get to a healthier weight. No, I'm not telling you how much I weigh but it makes me think. Off and running...
Weight Perceptions - CLICK ALL THAT APPLY
You judge over-weight people if you see them eating ice cream or fast food
You believe thin people get jobs because they are thin
You believe over-weight people get jobs because they are over-weight
You would make friends with a blogger no matter what size they were
You would not make friends with a blogger if they were over-weight
You don't believe that over-weight people are such due to laziness
You believe over-weight people are such due to laziness
You would make friends with someone based on their personality
Over-weight people gross you out
Over-weight people can help it
You would rather lose your arm than be over-weight
You would rather be over-weight than lose your arm
You would rather be in an unhappy relationship than over-weight
You would rather be over-weight than in an unhappy relationship

Free polls from Pollhost.com
Thank you to all who participate. I'll post the findings later this week.

26 September 2008

Fogging Banks

I love the fall. Who is with me? Our area tends to get socked in by fog in the mornings but the effect is beautifully surreal and makes me think of stillness.

Fall weather inspires me to curl up in a chair and read or bundle in hats and sweaters and take long walks. Or drink coffee. Or put on my Freddy Kruger mask, wield a chainsaw while laughing, and scare the crap out of the kids at the school bus stop.

The news has been depressing with bank after bank getting bailed out by bigger banks. Pretty soon only three institutions will be left standing: Taxpayers Bank, Screw You Bank, and Overdrafts R US Bank. The CEOs will be even more filthy, stinking rich while customers like me are service charged to financial death. Three words: Mon. Opo. Ly.

I used to work for the bank that Chase took over yesterday. I loved my bank but I can't stand Chase. Can't stand them. It's in the way they handle their loans and customer service. There is a good reason they are called 'Chase'. A few years ago they carried one of my home loans and with the loss of hubby's job they went from Helpful Bank to Ready To Rob Their Own Grandma Bank. We are extremely thankful we sold that house before the market bottomed out or worse, Grandma's pearls went missing.

My school is a go for winter. I managed to hear from Financial Aid two days after school started for Fall. With financial backing now, the classes I need are full with waiting lists...unless I'm going to branch out into Cat Hair Macrame 101 or Fun With Fungus 025. Weeks ago, I was advised to un-enroll for lack of funding. I was told my Financial Aid wasn't going to be processed in time. I cried, un-enrolled with dashed hopes for Fall, and resolved myself to starting in Winter.

For those just tuning in, I'm going to be a radiologist when I grown up. It's only taken me 18 years after high school to sort that out. I figure medical careers have job security because no matter the state of the economy, people will always a) have babies, b) take a dirt nap, and c) do stupid things like stick foreign objects in their body. It appears to be a career that will keep my type A personality happy, yet appease my dark humor. Real stories from the trenches look promising.  

I have NO idea how that got in there.

Yeah, talk about some awesome blog material.

Lastly, I'm designing like a fiend and baking for the first time in my life. I'm going to give myself another facelift cause I can and last night I made a rhubarb cobbler. It's edible. Not the blog, the cobbler. I'm so proud.

~Bee likes to wear hats while financing the radiation of Chase people curled in the fog of baking.

17 September 2008

A Flock of Seagulls In AquaNet

I'm officially half way to 72. I had a wonderful weekend that also included my daughter's 12th birthday. It seems just yesterday I was walking the mall and stopping every 30 minutes to have a contraction. I didn't know it then, but I was blessed with an easy-going baby girl that ate her weight in squash and could soften hardened criminals with one toothless grin. Nothing much has changed, except for a perfect row of pearly whites and mile-long eyelashes.

I love that my kids have grown fond of 80's music but I feel like I've gone through a time-warp seeing my daughter and her friends. These are middle-schoolers going gah-gah over leg warmers and florescent jewelry. I'm seeing girls neck ties, over-sized vests, striped knee socks, fingerless gloves, and rocker tees. My daughter even has a pair of Jellie shoes. I'm hoping the gigantic Flock of Seagulls hair doesn't come back in, although if it does, I'm buying stock in Aqua Net.

Since the kids have been in school, I have gotten so much done. My laundry is done, two closets cleaned, and goodwill bags are ready to go. I went shopping yesterday and found huge deals. $20 doormat for $3. My favorite hair care for 50% off and we also got a great deal on tires for the van. The tires were in DIRE need of being replaced even Tire Man Bob was shocked they were so bald. I asked him about neon running board lights, some sweet spinners and roaching the wheels. He got a good laugh. My 1996 Ford Windstar would be the hottest thing on the road.

Today, I'm going to come around *stalk you in comments* and say hi *apologize* to my readers after being out of the loop for weeks now *AWOL*.

~Bee has not fallen off the planet.

13 September 2008

Rambling and A Birthday

If you could see the daily thoughts swirling my brain it would resemble some kind of monster banana smoothie whizzing around in my blender-like cranium. Today it could end up being post worthy.

Mr Coffee and I are both huge Serenity / Firefly fans. Being as such our ears perk up when we hear of Nathan Fillion doing a new project. Apparently, he and Neil Patrick Harris decided to use the downtime during last year's writer's strike to make a little film. Mr Coffee and I downloaded it off iTunes and I'm telling you, we have ended up in tears from laughing so hard. Dr Horrible's Sing-Along Blog is one you must see. So. Stinking. Funny.

Today my son and I polished off the last of my strawberry freezer jam. The kids loved it and stood guard by the freezer so that after an hour, they could attempt to eat the entire batch with a fork, al la popsicle style. It was my first attempt at freezer jam and if I had any inkling it would be so easy, I would've owned a full freezer most of my married life...aside from the airplane bottles of vodka/tequila/brandy I store in there for special occasions.

Special occasions = Returning from an afternoon birthday party at Chuck E Cheese.

I will openly go on record here to thank Wendy's for their new kid's meal toys. We don't eat out but on rare occasion. Supersize Me, anyone? But new kids' meal toys like audiobooks for kids, namely The Magic Treehouse series, are always a big hit at our house. Outstanding idea.

This week our 8 year old managed to bring home some kind of funk from school. He's been feverish, but I think the worst has passed. I hoped to clean the house, but ended up plunked down at my email and got to some design requests between requests for blanket, water, and go away, MOM. I haven't designed a new template for months now and yesterday I got three inquiries. I'm thinking of revamping my site here, but just the header. Should I? Should I not?

If you are already tired of politics and lipsticked pigs, please raise your chad. Thank you....

Lastly, I had a birthday this week. I'm a whole 36 and I've said it before, the years are shorter, but sweeter. Life is a good teacher.

When it comes to birthdays, I'm one that likes the party hats, decorations, guest lists, and hoopla. I remember birthdays and anniversaries partly because I like people to remember mine. It's good to be remembered by friends and family and in turn to feel appreciated for being alive at least one day of the year.

My parents forgot my 16th until evening when my sister reminded them. They usually had small family gathering for our birthdays, but our family budget was small. They did the best they could, I guess. I like the big bash with people around me. My apartment neighbors already complain about my kids, what's another 10 adults with families?

I don't mind getting older. It boils down to food as it's all about the cake. The more years=more candles=bigger cake to fit them=bigger cake=more for me.

I like birthday gifts. My 20th birthday I was given useful, yet funny gag gifts of toilet paper by all 20 people who came to my surprise birthday bash ~thank you Dapoppins~ It was the last big party I had. As it goes, I was notorious for forgetting to buy TP and making guests use Zee napkins from the kitchen.

Mr Coffee brought me flowers, three cards and a big smooch. I like big smooches even though I get them on a regular occurrence. He usually gives me three cards, because he can never decide on just one. We were going to go out, but some family ditched us for camping this weekend*. Both my sisters sent me well wishes. My parents? The usual no phone call.

Next post, I'm going to post my 36 things I want to do before I die, like eat a whole cake.

Thank you again, to all who sent me birthday wishes on facebook and email. I'm off till Monday....

*PS. Doozie, you are NOT a bad friend, STAAAAHP.

06 September 2008

The Incomparable Pavarotti

I cried when I got the news you had passed on. It was one year ago today. You see, celebrities do not have that effect on me. But you, Pavarotti? You were different.

I never liked opera growing up. I never took the time to really listen. It wasn't until I met Mr Coffee that I began to listen to you and opera. I found myself loving this new genre of music because I heard it for the first time.

How I miss the incomparable you. May your melodic voice live on always.

Luciano Pavarotti
October 12, 1935 – September 6, 2007

Che Gelida Manina
from Puccini's La Boheme

What a frozen little hand,
let me warm it for you.
What's the use of looking?
We won't find it in the dark.
But luckily
it's a moonlit night,
and the moon
is near us here.
Wait, mademoiselle,
I will tell you in two words,
who I am, what I do,
and how I live. May I?
Who am I? I am a poet.
What do I do? I write.
And how do I live? I live.
In my carefree poverty
I squander rhymes
and love songs like a lord.
When it comes to dreams and visions
and castles in the air,
I've the soul of a millionaire.
From time to time two thieves
steal all the jewels
out of my safe, two pretty eyes.
They came in with you just now,
and my customary dreams
my lovely dreams,
melted at once into thin air!
Bu the theft doesn't anger me,
for their place has been
taken by hope!
Now that you know all about me,
you tell me who you are.
Please do!

04 September 2008

Turning Japanese, I Really Think So

At the urging of a friend, I post this story. My childhood stories are fairly entertaining, so I've been told. Gird your loins, this is a good one.

As a teenager I had a huge sweet tooth. While this is not news, there was a time when my sweet tooth was a problem. Not cavities or lbs. mind you, but clonked on the head with a shovel and left for dead.

This trip down memory lane is made possible by those gloriously golden pieces of goodness called Coffee Nips. You see, in high school I lived on a steady diet of Coffee Nips, caffeine, and McDonalds. Have you seen these below? They are pretty much coffee-flavored crack.

Nips are the most perfect, mouth-watering, substance on earth. So euphoric in fact, that there was never a time that I wouldn't walk miles to the store solely to replenish my stockpile.

On one occasion, my sister and I needed a fix. Wide-eyed, we drooled with anticipation over our upcoming sugar coma. The store nearby wasn't our usual 7-11 but when you are jonesin' for candy, do you care? I assure you, you do not.

This was a little corner store, with the usual convenience goodies: coffee, gum, beer, soda, and ancient groceries at quadruple the typical costs. The store was clean, well stocked and run by a very kind, yet very animated Asian couple. They spoke broken English but it was enough to communicate with their customers. She usually ran the cash register while he was perpetually in and out of the back room while talking to her intermittently in Japanese.

We searched up and down their little isles for our candy. My sister inquired of the woman, "Do you have any Coffee Nips?"

The woman looked at us blankly. She just stood there and said nothing.

~awkward silence~

"Coffee Nips?" my sister repeated herself. The gentleman in the back walked out and stood next to his wife. Neither answered and continued to stare at us blankly.

This was the problem:

- noun
Definition: Delectable candy often desired by clueless teens.

See also

 - noun
Definition: Highly derogatory slang term for a person of Japanese descent. It is derived from "Nippon", the Japanese term for Japan. Usage in this context probably peaked around the time of WWII.

Can you see where this is going?

My sister and I glanced at each other and seeing I was the older and wiser, I take over hoping to get through to the shop owner. In all my teenage wisdom, I immediately came under the impression that her lack of response, odd expression, and foreign, I needed to speak LOUDER and SLOOOOWER.

in·san·i·ty - noun
Definition: To do the same action over and over again hoping for a different outcome at each attempt.

"DOOO YOOOU HAVE ANY COOOFFEE NIPS?" I tried asking, enunciating every syllable and speaking louder than my sister's previous inquiry.

By this time her husband's blank look has turned into a full on glare. They start talking quietly to each other in Japanese.

"What is their problem?" I thought to myself.

"No," He declared emphatically as he motioned us away with the flip of his hand.

"Okay. Thanks," was all I could muster, still puzzled by his odd reply. We paid for our sodas in ignorant bliss and made our way out.

If I had been, say 40 years older, I might have understood the cultural faux paus we had committed. The sweet, little Japanese couple thought they heard, "Do you have any coffee, Nips?"

Now older and wiser, I cringe when I buy a box of Coffee Nips. It's a funny, but an uncomfortable reminder that commas do make all the difference.

~Bee has been enlightened and fully embraces cultural diversity.
Listening to: Turning Japanese by The Vapors

28 August 2008

I Need To Post Something Funny

Random...what day is this? Oh, yes. Random Wednesday today.

I got a call from someone and my caller ID says, "770-783-5969" and the name on the caller-id said...and I quote, "DONT ANSWER". How is that for reverse psychology?

If you are just reading me, I'm going to spill it to you.

I've become the 'go to' person when someone needs a question answered. I retain pretty much most of what I read and now being the wise age of thirtyfarblewarble...haha, okay really. I just remember stuff.

I get requests from all sorts of friends about a myriad of subjects. For instance, if you need to know what pitocin is or does, I will know. Need a good homemade grass stain remover or pink eye cure? A vital record from 1824? Bankruptcy law, or renter's rights? Reasons why you should not attempt marital congress in a hot tub?

I would know, not that I want to know, I just know.

In light of this I would like to extend my knowledge to my readers, all 3 of you. I know I haven't been around much, but school starts next week and I'll be gung ho to posting regularly again. So please, ask away in comments (try to keep it clean, will ya?!) and I'll post answers back on Tuesday.

Have a Happy Labor Day!

~Bee is a good trivial pursuit partner
Listening to: Feeling Good by Muse

Immunization Runaround

This is the real reason people don't immunize their children. I've been absorbed this last week. I'm off until next week. Hopefully I don't have to drive my kids to Canada to get their immunizations. ug.... UPDATE BELOW

28 Aug 2008

Dear Mr Health Dept Dude,

Hello, my name is Bee. I found your email on the County website. I appreciate your availability to the public and hope I can get some resolution to my frustrations by addressing you personally.

I am writing regarding the new DocsR-Us Clinic opening Sept 2, 2008. I have not been able to get sufficient information regarding this clinic. The existing location has informed me that they not accepting new patients.

As a parent of uninsured children, I have had great difficulty pursuing state required immunizations for school. If my two children needing immunizations aren't immunized by Sept 13, they will not be allowed into school.

I contacted my children's doctor first. 3 years of being healthy and not going to the Dr. means we are New Patients. The office is not taking New Patients right now.


In the second week of August I drove down to the Health Department with four children in tow. I called the Health Dept. Immunizations are a walk-in appointment, first come first serve. I waited in the front of the line, with one woman working and watched the clock as my children did their best to be not-bored.

This sole employee did not look up from her work in 5 minutes time to then stand, grab her purse and go to lunch. I waited another 5 minutes waiting to have someone...anyone acknowledge me. A woman walked over from the cashier desk and asked me politely "if I had a question". I need immunizations.

Sorry, no available appointments. I was handed a brochure for Free Clinic Wednesdays.

Yesterday, I showed up at the Free Clinic. Four kids in tow. We waited for 25 minutes until they said there weren't enough nurses. Only the first 35 children were allowed. I was #71. Since the sign-in starts at 5pm and appointments start at 5:30, I did not get there early enough even coming at around 4pm. I was informed by staffers that DocsR-Us would be taking over immunizations for the Health Dept.

This morning, I called DocsR-Us at their main location: 555-1234.

"You've called medical ma'am, please try this number, 555-2345." I thanked her and was on my way.

I called the next number and the woman stated that they are not accepting new patients. She said a new clinic was opening Sep 2nd and gave me this number: 555-3456. I called it and the call came back to the same woman. By this time I am thoroughly confused and frustrated. Try another number: 555-4567 which answered immediately by an voice mail box that was full.

I need answers about where I can get my children's immunizations. These are state mandated immunizations and I have been very patient, albeit my only fault is having healthy kids and no insurance.

I greatly appreciate your time and any answers you can give me. I am also available via home phone at xxx-xxxx. Thank you!

~Bee Repartee

*******UPDATE: I got a response. YAY!

Ms. Bee:

Thank you for your email message. I am sorry that you have experienced so much frustration getting your children immunized for back to school. I hope this reply will help.

The Health Dept has been winding down services in our clinic in preparation for DocsR-Us Clinic to take over on September 2. For the last few weeks we have been providing immunizations on appointment only. As you can imagine, at this time of year appointments fill up pretty quickly. Nonetheless, I am disappointed to hear that you did not receive prompt and friendly service from our office staff. I will be discussing this with our clinic manager tomorrow.

DocsR-Us will be open for business here at the Health Dept on September 2. They will have a full-time medical assistant available who will do nothing but provide back to school immunizations on both a walk in and appointment basis. While it's true that DocsR-Us is not accepting new clients at its current location, they will be accepting new clients here on September 2.

My recommendation is that you return to the Health Dept as early as you can next week to have your children immunized by DocsR-Us staff.

One of the benefits of having DocsR-Us here is that they will provide not only the clinical services that the Health Dept used to provide but also a full range of primary care services for uninsured people in our county. So, in the future, you can bring your children in to get a flu shot as well as treatment for an ear infection or a broken arm or any other medical condition that may have.

Again, I am sorry to hear that it has been so challenging for you to check your children immunized. Please feel free to contact me if you continue to experience frustration.

Thank you.

Mr Health Dept Dude
Big Cheese
Health Department
PO Box 00000
Rain Drops and Coffee Shops, Pacific NW
Tel: xxx.xxxx

~Bee loves the power of the pen

27 August 2008

Inferiority Contest

I'm a noticer. You know, the person who first notices a haircut, a missing employee, a friends new car, or change in moods? I notice the neighbor's weekend schedule or how often they check their mail. I have made a habit of acute observation.

My habit is undoubtedly a lifetime of summing my value by perceived comparisons. My observations brought perception, followed by harsh judgment, and ultimately determining my value by some far-fetched idea of rivalry. This is not a good way to live or keep friends.

Years ago, I would have vehemently denied that I was competitive, let alone keeping up with the Jones'.

"You are so wrong and I'll tell you why....."

heh. I didn't even like the Jones'.

I can see in retrospect how my low self-esteem hurt me so much in the long run. If I felt inferior, I'd beat myself up in my own fight. Sad but true.

Of course, there are people who haven't grown out of competitiveness. I tend to shy away from as quickly as I can. Those types are what I call, "Penelopes". Women especially do this to each other. It is laughable. Everything you have done, every way that you have looked, and all that you have owned? Oh, yes. They can, will, and have done better.

Why would that make you laugh, you ask?

When someone does this, all I can think about is Penelope from SNL.

Now, I've learned to embrace the fighter in me. Observation or competition does not have to be a negative character trait. By embracing these traits in a positive way, I have been able to see my value beyond the core of my competitiveness. Fighting for love, spiritual health, family, or wholeness are all ideal. Fighting because I had no self-worth only alienated me from some potentially great friendships.

Regardless of my personal growth over the years, I am still a noticer. I continue to notice those who need to declare their awesomeness. These displays, via insult or posturing, are loud declarations that they are indeed better, stronger, wealthier....or will be by attempting to take away what I already have: self-worth.

Now I've learned to let it go, smile, ignore, and/or just say nothing. I've learned that no matter what, no one else defines my value so I have nothing to prove. I know what I am worth and no one can take that away from me, not by looks, wallet, breeding, or education.

Eleanor Roosevelt says it best, "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."

Mrs. Roosevelt was a smart woman and I'll gladly admit, she was smarter than me.

~Bee is thankful that life is her teacher

25 August 2008

Middle Schooler

Last week, I took trip to the Health Department to get my kids immunized for school. which entailed taking an elevator in their massive new building. I despise public elevators for the germ factor alone. Elevator buttons are on my short list right next to lick grocery store floor and suck on end of post office pen. Ewww.

This glorious government office had only one employee working. She never once looked up, and when she finally stood it was to grab her purse and go to lunch. I waited 10 minutes for them to tell me to go to the free clinic next week. Typical runaround.

During our wait though, the kids started whining for candy in the jars by the front customer service windows. They were light colored, round, and in green wrappers and no, not candy.

Most places give out little freebies for kids or patrons. My mechanic gives out magnets. The doctor's office or bank has calendars, pens, or suckers. The Health Department apparently gives out condoms.

My middle schooler spotted them first. She nearly shouted, "They have green apple suckers! Can I have a sucker? CAN I HAVE ONE, PUHHHHLEEEEEEZE?!"

Her brothers and sister chimed in quickly, "We want suckers! I want a sucker! Why can't I have a sucker!"

I tried to suppress my laughter, "Um, no sweetie," I whispered to my daughter even quieter, "those aren't suckers, they're condoms."

 "OH!" She smiled, looking red-faced over her faux pas.

"What's a condom?" asked my 8 year old. The entire waiting room was looking at me by this time as they probably wondered if I knew the answer with my four kids in tow and all within 6 years of each other.

Lord help us, where is your father when I need him?! 

I started to answer and realized that my older son was beet red. I whispered, "It's for married people."

I had most of the Health Department staff and patrons ready to burn me at the stake. So shoot me, they are young kids and I only tell them enough for them to satisfy their curiosity. How else can I teach them my values without standing strong? But I'm not going to lie to them and say The Health Dept. only sees sexually active marrieds with unwanted pregnancies and STDs.


~Bee will go ballistic if they give out "caramel green apple suckers" in school.

21 August 2008

Super Short Stories (Extended Edition)

I get a mental block sometimes on what I should write about. This week, I have a whole slough of stories so just pretend you are reading something like the Reader's Digest short stories but with more intrigue, more violence, and far more grammatical errors.

A few days ago, I was startled late at night by the unmistakably pungent smell of pot emanating into my apartment.

What? I don't do drugs, never have, but growing up in a legal medical marijuana state? I know how it smells. I do like the smell of a pipe, even clove ciggies, but I don't smoke.

I suspected I had accidentally left the burner on or something. I opened the front door and no one was there, but the smell....ugh. The smell was much stronger in the stairwell. I went from yuck to ticked off in a matter of seconds.

The smell had wafted up and permeated my obviously aesthetic weatherstripping on my front door. It could have come from the upstairs neighbors but I found rolling papers at the bottom of the stairs the next morning. If I smell it again, I'm going to resist the urge to eat an entire bag of Doritos and then I will yank out my fire extinguisher, hose them down until it's empty, and then beat them with the red tank.  I'll be able to plead insanity since I would technically be under the influence of second hand pot smoke.

Last weekend, my son found this video, and a few others, from Lego.com. I think we watched it about 20 times. "An Average Death Star Day". I found it on youtube, of course.

I've been losing weight since last year. I'd stopped losing for a while but now I'm losing again, blah blah blah ~glaze over~ so, that is how you change a tire.

Last, I had my kids at the Health Department and I think I caught a bug or something. Is it normal to feel like you've been run over by a mack truck? It's not a cold, but achy and headachy. Mr Coffee is coming home tomorrow for the weekend so I'll be getting reinforcements. I've really missed him, too.

Next post, I'll share with you the fun I had at the Health Department trying to get my kids immunized. Oh, and those round condom-shaped things in green wrappers on the front counters? NOT caramel green apple suckers. Please tell me, how would a child know this?

~Bee has a fire extinguisher next to the front door.