30 December 2006

Smelly cat, Smelly cat, What are you eating?

My back is slowly getting better. I've decided though to trade it in for a new model. Until I can get a new one or feel better, I can't sit and type for more than 5 minutes or so. Instead I've spent these last few days vacillating between watching too many TV reruns and walking around like the Hunchback of Notre Dame except without the big hump and rope-swinging tendencies.

The days between Christmas and New Years are always a downer to me. And don't ask if I'm suffering from some Post-Holiday Depression. Have you heard of this new depression classification? I say it's ridiculous.

Says the same woman who watched Friends reruns for three days in a row. I almost becoming the owner of the DVD set of The Best of Dean Martin's Variety Hour and have been caught singing out loud an ad lib rendition of "Smelly Cat".

I know I'll get it for this, but come on! Post-Holiday Depression? Eli Lilly, Pfizer and GlaxoSmithKline must have a think tank of people to think up these "real conditions" to make their wallets fat. Well, they better get a pill for sarcasm. I'm needing it.

For instance: Restless Leg Syndrome?

Um, quit scarfing the menu at Mac And Don's Rainbow Room and take a walk a couple times a week. No? Okay, you're only 25 years old, but your doctor will be happy to set you up with a drug for Parkensen's to make your legs quit tingling and aching.

And why stop there? Your cholesterol is up, but darn it if you have to give up eating 12 eggs a day, your weekly rare 16 oz steak from "healthy FDA approved" cloned meat, and cooking everything in lard and Splenda. You know, Splenda? That's a real sugar molecule.....cooked in chlorine and carcinogens found in pesticide.

Look on the bright side, when you buy too much of the 'healthy alternative' you can just put it on your lawn to keep the weeds down.

And vegetable? What's a vegetable?

My 5 minutes are up.

I'll be back. (heh. heh. I said "back")

28 December 2006

Already Under Copyright

Is there anyone else that reads Blogger TOS (that's Terms Of Service for the acronym challenged)

I don't understand why people need to write that their blog, hosted at Blogger.com is under copyright. It's already under copyright when you publish it so placing a widget, comment, button or post a complaint about copyright protection is just repetitive and redundant.

It also states the same thing over again. 

Here is what Blogger TOS has to say:

6a. CONTENT OWNERSHIP Unless stated otherwise for specific services, Member will retain copyright ownership and all related rights for information he or she publishes through Blogger or otherwise enters into Blogger-related services.

Write, post and rest in copyright protection peace.

If you want to allow certain uses of your blog, or display copyrights, then check out Creative Commons. They provide customized licenses for those dotcom-ers, too.

~Bee says TOS, BRB, ICU, PDQ

27 December 2006

Christmas Dinner

My lower back decided to go out before Christmas. I know, fun, right?

This is about as much fun as debating politics but with less POTUS hate and more pain killers involved. I will get my grove back but I'll be a slow mover for a while.

Hey, Mr. Roboto called and wants his parachute pants back.

Christmas dinner was fabulous. Aside from the odd fact that my Dad, sitting a mere two seats away, missed my step mom turning from gray to shades of dusky blue from lack of oxygen. She's okay, now.

A cherry tomato skin going down the wrong pipe. Everyone else noticed her peril, including my uncle who is a doctor

Most everyone at the table sprang into action. My uncle performed the Heimlich several times over while everyone looked on in shock. Mr. Coffee was poised ready bolt and take her to the ER. Grandma looked anxiously on. My aunt was out of her seat and running to the phone. The kids and my sisters, shocked, motionless, not knowing what to do.

And then there was my Dad, quite obliviously eating from his plate.

The stuffing could not have been that good. 29 years of marriage competing with stuffing? I don't think so.

I was really scared hearing my uncle telling his wife in his calm doctor voice to call 911 after a third and fourth attempt to dislodge the object. They must teach this exact calm tone in Medical School because I have rarely heard it used and when I do, it's solely by doctors.

I watch Scrubs and Grey's Anatomy.

It was only after my step mom dislodged it, and could breathe that we managed to be able to take our fingernails out of the dining room table. She even joked, "At least I didn't catch myself on fire!". That one was a couple years ago, also Christmas Day.

I had my laugh but I have to say in my Dad's defense, (love you Dad!) he told my sister later that he didn't know what was happening until well into the ordeal. I know he can't hear as well as he used to with the ringing in his ears.

So, it can be explained, but it paints one memorable Christmas dinner that turned out more Peg Bundy than Norman Rockwell.

I just have to get that stuffing recipe from my Aunt. It must be pretty darn good.

~Bee says pass the gravy

26 December 2006


I dedicate this to my two sisters who I saw on Christmas Day. May this coming year be a wonderful time of learning how to let live, love and respect. I love you unconditionally.

I Promise You

I promise not to mother you even being the oldest.

I promise you that I will probably say something stupid to you in our lifetime.

I promise you that I will always do what I can to make it better.

I promise to look at you as the adult you are.

I promise to treat you as I would like to be treated back.

I promise to come to you if you have hurt me.

I promise to make good memories together.

I promise to respond and not react (aka, bossy bob).

I promise to show God's love in how I respond.

I promise to listen and not try to fix it.

I promise to give you respect as a person who can make her own choices.

I promise to let you grow at your own pace.

I promise that if you ask my honest opinion, I will use grace.

I promise that there will be times that I am unable to respond solely because I know myself.

I promise that I will be your biggest cheerleader.

I promise to be a sister you are proud of.

I promise to keep loving you as I always have.

23 December 2006

merry christmas

See you after the holiday!

19 December 2006

words of wisdom

Jumping out of bed to a barfing toddler is no way to start a day.

Pot of coffee? Yes.

My radio gently singing in my ear? Can do.

Kisses from Mr. Coffee? Absolutely.

But not technicolor yawns from the baby girl.

This week, the kids have, one by one, gone down for the count. So, it's true: The family that plays together gets sick and curses the fact that we have one bathroom...together. On the other hand, Mr. Coffee and I have successfully avoided it, like...well...the plague.

Over a year ago, we pulled the carpet out of our house due to mold issues & allergies (thank you Amateur Carpet Cleaner Bob who SOAKED my living room carpet in an attempt to swirl the dirt around clean my carpets). Now with 75% of my house being carpet free, why did my toddler have to find the bedroom carpet? I think I despise that Murphy guy.

Murphy's Law has some great advice, words to live by. So, last night while the kids attacked the $20 - gorgeous - aromatic - 7ft tree-because - we - live - in - WA - State with lights and ornaments, we decided to make up or remember some good words to live by. The winners are here:

Never roll in honey and run through a pack of wild bears.

Never bring your friend Johnny Walker to an AA Christmas Banquet.

Never eat prunes when you are famished.

Always wear clean underwear when you get hit by a Bradley Pie Truck.

Never bathe with a plugged in toaster.

Never mix gun powder and alcohol. Tastes terrible.

Never swim with an open wound in a pool of sharks.

Never eat cheetos and five oreo cookies before a dental appointment

Avoid asking your hostess in a loud voice if 'those are real?'

Never ask Britney's stylist to dress you.

Refrain from asking a policeman where "the underage kegger" is.

Never wear stilettos jogging. (That goes for the ladies, too)

Avoid driving your Hummer to a Green Peace convention.

Never bring a pork appetizer to a bar mitzvah.

Never wear a Borat speedo to church.

Never eat All Bran cereal before a long car ride.

Don't bring your daycare to an antique china mall.

last but not least (and no joking here)

Never drink and drive.

Be safe. Be well. Merry Christmas!

16 December 2006

closet foodie

I posted this last year. I have been busy, but my readers deserve the best, even if it's recycled.

I hate to admit it. It's a little embarrassing. I have got to fess up.

I am a closet foodie.

Not any ordinary food. It's weird food. Weird, gross and unhealthy food. The food you love to eat in the solitude of your own kitchen, never in public. You know, the food that you wouldn't offer at one of your dinner parties? It's the junk you would never in a thousand years admit to liking, let alone be seen buying it.

You know full well what I am talking about.

I have this odd habit of hiding food in my cart when I go to the grocery. Spam at the bottom, veggies in the seat in full view. Unless it's Wild Oats, there you show off everything you buy. Just being there says 'healthy woman here who WILL fight you for the last box of organic prunes'.

Habitually, I go to a grocery store, pick out what I want and unassumingly place it in the cart. In rare cases, I hope no one notices by quickly putting the Special K cereal box on top of it. This is the real reason I buy Special K. It has nothing to do with a healthier choice or losing weight or even their 22 vitamins and minerals I will get by consuming large quantities of their wonder breakfast. Special K boxes can hide half a cart! For instance, these are some of the foods you will never get me to admit that I sometimes eat. You will never see me buy these either, because I don't (as far as you know):

Anything that comes out of its packaging that is still in it's original square form of mystery meat is usually not a good sign. It's the dog food smell with the large layer of gelatinous goo on top that makes this taste as good as it really is. Pan heated is best. Good to the last extra lb that will appear on your "six-pack soon to be one-pack" the next day.

Is it cheese or is it something else? Come on people, government cheese. Squirted out of a can. WD-40 comes this way too, but you won't see me eating that with summer sausage and Ritz crackers. If good milk comes from happy cows, then does Cheese Whiz comes from freaked out cows? Just checking.

Cheeto powder, when wet, turns into dog poo: sticky and it ends up everywhere. You cannot, aside from sandblasting and long soaks in lye, successfully remove this bright orange residue from your fingers or fingernails. Day old Cheetos are worse in the stain department but taste far better because they are chewy. hmmm, chewy.

If I actually find the Hostess warehouse that has been holding these babies since the Great Depression I might just uncover the Ark of the Covenant, too. Twinkies being made today, well, their shelf life is approximately 2715 AD. Look on the bright side, maybe I will live long with all the preservatives.

A delectable mixture of every condiment in one little bottle. I do know it's part pickle, part mayo and possibly part Soylent Green.

Raise your hand if you have recently brushed your teeth with dirt. Anyone? Anyone? We all know nothing says 'You look Hot!' more than coffee bean debris stuck in your pearly whites. Paris says, Coffee bean teeth? THAT'S HOT!

I hate these. They taste like lard cake icing and almost give me sugar coma. I eat them anyway, because it's Fall tradition. How weird is that?

Last but not least,

Living an couple hours away from the Tillamook Cheese factory is a blessed thing. I love getting free samples of cheese curds. They are so wonderfully creamy and tasty. But I'll admit, just saying the word 'curd' can make you lose your appetite. Besides, curds look like something you would find in an airplane sick bag. Don't look. Just eat.

So now you have to put back your Special K box for the world to see.

What do you eat and are embarrassed to admit?

10 December 2006

Smell this

Hot Toddy, Fireplace, Rain, Chocolate Chip Cookie. Great smells, but in a fragrance? I can't wait until they have a coffee flavor.

They already have a Play-Doh Limited Edition so it's only a matter of time.

08 December 2006

Things I'm not doing

If you don't see me around much, I'm just busy.

I, however, am not doing the following as far as you know:

*Going to see a Christmas Gospel Choir

*Making prank phone calls

*Whipping up a meal and appetizer's for 30 people

*Stuck under a large heavy object

*Wonder why I haven't gone to church lately

*Stuck under the hood of my van

*Looking for the last Starbucks Christmas Cup Globe

*Ordering Stuff with My Half.com yieldings

*Trying not to make even more family disown me

*Trying not to let people affect me. (oh, yes, that was related)

*Stuck in a good book

*Making killer cheesecake

*Selling my organs on the black market

*Buying kids gifts with new savings account

*Visiting relatives

*Visiting the can (no, not related)

*Reading a book called Snobs (even more not related)

*Dropping off kids at the park

*Going to a Snow Patrol concert

*Wishing I was going to Blue Man Group in Feb

*Stalking a parking space

*Smoking tasty salmon

*Smoking in a hookah lounge

*Listening to new music on my sweet iPod

*Wishing I had time for full-time school

*Wondering if you are sick hearing about it

*Wishing I was in full-time school

*Me wishing I'd quit whining about it

*Baking with the kids

*Baking with Mr. Coffee (no oven involved, wink, wink, nudge, nudge, say no more)

*Wrapping invisible gifts

*Making long lists for my bloggers

*Giving Bloggers something to go to sleep by

*Signing off my blog post

Will be back....

05 December 2006

my treat, far be it

Yesterday, I opened my mailbox and lo and behold!!!! A goodie package from Jenn. Little did I know that finding the perfect kukuruznye palochky would pay forward so generously. She sent some of her hilarious greeting cards she drew, coffee beans, doodle pads and some hilarious gum which you have to see to believe:

Enjoy Spending Time With Your Mother Gum

Juicy Mullet Gum


and some Candy From Strangers

Thank you Jenn!! I thank you from the bottom of my french press!

Speaking of coffee, I just got a gorgeously handcrafted, blue-glazed coffee mug I ordered in the mail from none other than master potter Sarah over at Sarah's Sermons. She makes amazing pottery and doggonit if my camera batteries are dead and needing a charge so the pictures will wait. Far be it for the house to have two working batteries when I need them. Far be it to find the charger when I need it. Far be it to use 'far be it' too many times in one post.

I was tagged for a meme and since I regularly cave to peer pressure and the need to fit in outweighs my reluctance, I therefore must meme. Besides, I was asked by a friend and far be it...oh, you get it.

02 December 2006


Max is 8 today! 

Mr. Coffee bounced on his toes as the doctor delivered our first son and second child. The boy was my easiest, drug-free with only 2 hours of labor and then, 20 minutes of work.  The delivery was so fast, no one got to the hospital in time to greet his cute face, only me and Mr. Coffee. He was came into this world a tad bit overdue, a little over 9lbs with blond hair to boot.

He was a super baby, sleeping through the night by 4 months. We also nicknamed him Baby Hoover, for his eating abilities. That boy could eat like no other. In fact, he can still eat more than a football team.

I think the most amazing thing about Max was the fact that he didn't talk but a few words until he was 3½, then it all came out in full sentences. He's a thinker, loves Star Wars and entomology (bugs!).

Contemplating always, figuring, and theorizing. He was reading by the time he was 4 and tested the highest score ever in school district history for reading comp and speed as a first grader. Even now, my little etymologist is in 2nd grade and trying to explain to me the concept of centrifugal force.

He comes off with these ideas that surprise me or just plain crack me up, "I rest my case" and my favorite "Why can't I make a Star Wars land speeder?" My answer is the usual, "You just can't. Now, go help Jaina with her long division."

I've been blessed by his 8 little years. Here is to many, many more...

30 November 2006

Fa-rah-rah-rah Rah-rah-rah-rah-rah!

Every year, I pull out Christmas music: Play the good, ditch the bad and don't look back at the frightful (see earlier post).

Here are my top 10 music albums that you'll find at my house. I love big band, swing, classics, as you can see:

* A Christmas Song
by Russ Taff
His voice is like butter!!

* Ultra Lounge Series - Christmas Cocktails vol 1 - 3
This is the box set, but they also come in individual volumes. I think Vol 2 is my favorite.

* December - George Winston
Piano only, great for entertaining

* Christmas with The Rat Pack - Dean, Frank and Sammy
With those three, how could you go wrong?

* Merry Christmas - Mariah Carey
I am not a definite Mariah fan, but I like this album.

* When My Heart Finds Christmas - Harry Connick, Jr.

* Let It Snow - Michael Buble'
If you can find this under $25 you will be lucky

* Swinging Christmas - Ella Fitzgerald

* Dig That Crazy Christmas - Brian Setzer Orchestra
Rocking out with guitar, Christmas style!

* The Christmas Collection - Frank Sinatra

28 November 2006

christmas music

Back to happy faces and belly laughs, I'm talking Christmas music.

And not
Mannheimlic Steamroller music. Please no! I really need to say, listening to them "steamroll" makes me sterile and forces my ears to curl and suck back into my head. Yes, it's that bad. My tastes are eclectic, but even I have a maximum pain threshold.

I'm talking about Christmas music and those albums that make you nuts. Everybody is doing it. Tell me your most disliked albums. (don't worry, next post will be about favorites!!)

If you must put on Christmas music, please for the love of everything pine-scented, red and green, grab something other than this:

*Barney the Dinosaur Gone Vegan Christmas

*1976 Donnie and Marie Christmas Special

*iPod Christmas: Pirate and Rip It

*Paris Hilton: I'll Have A Blue Christmas Without My Trust Fund

*The Kranks Christmas Soundtrack

*Gummy Bears Popozao Christmas

*Santa Wears A Red Bracelet: Christmas With Madonna

*All I Want For Christmas Is A Green Borat Speedo

*Mr. Bean's Silent Night Christmas

*Snoop Dog's Pimpin' Santa's Sleigh

*K-Fed (aka Fed-Ex) and Britney Reunion Christmas

*B & E Christmas: The Man With The Bag

*Achey Breaky Country Christmas

*Mos Def's Fat Booty Santa

*I'm Dreaming of A White Comb Over by The Donald Trump Choir

*Hot Rod Christmas (comes with Puma Sneaker ornament)

*Tucker Max Raps The Christmas Story

*Jerry Springer Christmas: My Christmas Tree Don't Fork

*Ding! Fries Are Done Soundtrack

*Fireman Choir Sings: Put Out That Yule Log I'm Coming Down!

*Walmart Exclusive: I Got My Front Tooth For Christmas

*Emma Sometimes Sings: Man, Santa's Hot and Oh, Holy Cow..It's Mr. Coffee

*Starbucks Hear Music: Only Santa Has The Coffee Cup Ornaments

*Santa's Helper Reunion: Christmas Made In China

*Second Life Christmas: I Saw Mommy Kissing Everyone

*Politically Correct Christmas Vol 1 & 2:
The 12 Days Of Holiday with bonus track~
Away In A Barn Turned Hospital Birthing Suite

Just refrain from grabbing one of these. Please. My ears thank you.

26 November 2006

got bootstraps?

I appreciate all those with fabulous advice, good wishes and polite requests to get my head out, smell the homeless and thank goodness for the little things, even though I don't have a cozy house to my specs. I know that a person's home is a reflection of the owner but, I just don't feel like the Clampetts pre-90210.

School. As fate would have it, my neighbor works in admissions for the local college. She has chided me, too and the matter is not 'if' but when I go to school. I want this. I can taste it. All I have to say is thank you for the encouragement and since I can taste this, it's probably a good thing I took my head out (of my whine-fest).

I'm feeling better already....

Off to load up my new iPod nano that I won online.

They have the same contest this month too, if you are itching to get one.

24 November 2006

I smell fish

Not my usual post, but me, nonetheless. I made the Christmas tree, you like?

Sometimes I need a quiet moment when I am in a thinking mood, to just get some quiet. That day happened to be yesterday. Thanksgiving Day. Six adults and seven children in one house do not help. I ended up hunkered in the quiet of the garage, sitting on a stool with my frozen eyebrows and lone chin hair icicle talking on my cell phone. I had to return the gobhole girl's phone call, so all was good.

I get so anti-social and introverted at big family gatherings. I was not like my usual self, when we went over to my SIL's house. I walk into their rental house, filled with shiny wood floors, new appliances, clean walls and every nice thing in their living room. Even the off-white couches were clean with matching red propped pillows. Not lavish, not showy, just modern, comfy and homey.

This made me upset.

Now, I wasn't upset that they are doing well, in fact, I am very happy for them. They have both done well, but I want to know why those things have eluded my grasp. I work hard. Mr. Coffee works harder. Why can't I be in a house that I love, that's decorated nicely and inviting. People say that it doesn't cost much to decorate. Tell that to anyone who is furnishing a house or better yet, foot the bill and I'll show you how cheap it is. I want a place that I feel is my refuge. A place with carpet (long story) and windows that don't leak in the sunroom. Something with more than 3 bedrooms. Mr.Coffee always feels like the black sheep of the family because we make the least money in all the family, like we are the screw ups, having the most kids without any thought of what money it would take. I KNOW what I am worth, but the family together always makes me feel judged, the needy ones, the black sheep, you know? Thanksgiving is never at my house. My in-laws rarely visit me because I'm so ashamed of my surroundings with my house constantly under remodel. I feel they wonder if Mr. Coffee had married someone else (like a college grad) that things would be better for everyone. Needless to say, I got home, changed into good jammies, ate a pint of Dreyer's Vanilla while watching Grey's Anatomy, and for some reason felt considerably better.

I need to go to school. I want to go to school. Years ago the thought of school scared the pants off me. I was homeschooled 7th grade through high school and rarely wrote a paper. Now? This blogging endeavor has taught me how to write, and further, that I love to write, even though spell check is utterly ruining my life. I could also use a punctuation class or two.

But I don't want to go another day of being so broke, being unhappy with my education and mostly, unable to open my house to people. I have to until I do something to change it. I don't want 5 cars, a maid, expensive art and a 10,000 sq foot house, albeit nice, just not my goal. I just want to be able to pay my family's living expenses and take care of my kids when they have tooth aches and holes in their jeans. I want to be the one to help people have that super Christmas or help the father of 4 who has just lost his job. I want to fix my van that has has so many dash lights stuck on that I tan every time I drive. I want to DONATE to the food bank not just work there and leave with a food box. Is that so much to ask? I say no. Mr. Coffee works his butt off. He works physically very hard. Construction and concrete is just a hard business. (no pun intended)

At this point, I have the determination. The saying goes, "You give a man a fish, he eats for a day. You teach a man to fish, he eats for a lifetime."

Well, I'm a world class fisherman, I just need the freaking boat.

(and by chance you are a reader who believes in not complaining about your income, be a little merciful, you probably have a nice job already. Try seeing life in a new perspective.)

23 November 2006

albuquerque turkey beef

~moving this weeks post to today!! Happy Thanksgiving!!~

The holidays are upon us despite disapproval from those who believe that my little piece of holly up in the top corner is the ultimate icon for Christmas. That's winter holly! Beefing about my holly is not allowed. After Thanksgiving it will morph into Christmas Holly because it's my blog and I can do that. No beefing before turkey. Beef = bad. Turkey = good. Beef with gravy = good. Christmas Holly = good. Turkey and Holly = bad. Hospital me no likey.

Thanksgiving is one of my favorite holidays next to Christmas. Family, food, and flexing my cooking skills with a mouth-watering display of Chocolate Rum Chocolate Chip Cheesecake, best in the county. Anything that takes alcohol and 2 pounds of cream cheese has to be good.

In light of the holidays, I usually post something like Dave Barry's Turkey Day. But today I leave you with a gem from my children. Speaking of children, I have another beef with my recent label of "Mom Blog"(oh, no you di-int'!!).

Since I am now a "Mom Blog", and regardless of my eclectic displays of daily brilliance, I have to post some Mom-ish things to live up to that moniker. Be glad it's not breast-feeding and poopy diaper stories because women who blog, who also happen to have children and families, apparently have only those things to offer their readers. ~snarky-snarky~

Albuquerque Turkey
- Anonymous
(Sung to the tune of 'Clementine')

Albuquerque he's my turkey
Oh he's feathered and he's fine
He wobbles and he gobbles
And I'm awfully glad he's mine.

He's the best pet
You could ever get.
Better than a dog or cat.
Albuquerque he's my turkey
And I'm awfully glad of that.

Albuquerque he's my turkey
He's so cozy in his bed
Because for our Thanksgiving dinner
We had scrambled eggs instead.

(no "mom blogs" have been hurt or injured in the production of this post)

07 November 2006

The rise and fall of Chow Chow

Leslee has had a Friday funny photo caption contest that is great fun. This was a photo that inspired me. Who can add a caption when a story is in order?

"Bad dog, bad dog, whatcha gonna do..."

Today, in other news, entertainer and former childhood commercial dog, Chow Chow, was allegedly caught in a shoving match and subsequent biting episode while having dinner at the prestigious Canine Club. Observers say that he appeared to be high on Taco Bell leftovers and was offending patrons by gratuitous crotch sniffing, licking and neck biting. The childhood star was also found to be in possession of one ounce of cat nip when he was apprehended by Titan the German Sheppard.

Things have reportedly gone downhill for Chow Chow since his commercials were officially pulled in the late 1990's. The chihuahuaua did have a short-lived comeback with the Gecko "Mr. Liz" in a 2002 cameo appearance for GEICO and was later replaced by Cavemen due to rumored diva-like behavior. It was soon after, he had reportedly been spotted while being ferried around in a pink Dog & Gabbana bag by one of the Hilton sisters. This further fueling rumors of too many flea dips and subsequent mental health issues.

His vet had no comment.

In other news, your old dog and rolling over. Can you teach him new tricks? And our special report up next, Dressing Like a Human: When it's time to tell your owner NO.

We'll have that and news after the break.

(almost as shocking as Britney Spears now divorcing KFed)

06 November 2006

College Bound

Max, who is now 7½ years of age, asked me yesterday about the AC sign on the dashboard of the van.

"Does AC mean 'accelerated cooling'?" he asked.

"Wow! You are amazing," I gushed. "That was a terrific guess! It actually means Air Conditioning."

I could see him blush in the rear-view mirror over my motherly accolades.

I quickly added in my sarcastic manner, a manner in which my children have grown quite accustom and no doubt will afford them plenty of embarrassment in their teen years, "I'm glad I'm saving for your college," I chided him with a sing-song voice, "those quantum mechanics classes are going to be a lot of mo-ney!"

"I like science," he stated quite matter of fact.

Jeez, when I was in grade school I thought Quantum Mechanics was the four guys that worked on your car at the dealership. Now I know that college fund will pay off.

02 November 2006


The good things comes from being observant. I think it was my bank experience but I would consider myself pretty observant.

First, there is Funny Observant. Two days ago, I was folding clothes while watching a soap on the TV. Soaps are funny, if I watch a show only once in a three month time period, I can still catch up on the latest nefarious deeds of the residents of Salem.

"Quick nurse, she's hyper-ventilating! Get the oxygen."

Hyperventilating..needing oxygen? Are you trying to polish her off?

Then there is Driving Observant, like noticing today with a stomp of my break, that a car was about to hit me because he got impatient and tried to pass in a school zone. In the bike lane. I live between two school zones, so I have too many close calls and idiot driver stories to share. What I wanted to do was activate the driver's dental insurance. (I love that movie line...). Impatient people in school zones make me nuts.

Last is, Oh My Gosh That Didn't Happen Observant. Like the time I foiled a bank robbery with a 4 week old strapped to me in a baby sling.

Oh, yeah. I'm a real undercover agent.

31 October 2006

A good post is a recycled one!

Target Dog Bites! ~ Oct 2005

With three kids in school, I like to take my youngest daughter into the Target close to my house. It's clean and having been built last year, it's modern and even the carts are still shiny with the illusory appearance that there are no germs lurking on the handles.

I especially like to go because it has a Starbucks Cafe inside..ehm, Starbucks coffee/products in a cafe managed by Target employees. But who cares? It's coffee! The Safeway down the street has a Starbucks inside. Two blocks away is an actual Starbucks Cafe. Heck, even our local coffee shop has a Starbucks inside.

"Hi, I'd like a Triple Skim, No foam, 140 Latte".

I know I'm a coffee snob. I can't help it. I love coffee. I could just feel the caffeine coursing through my veins.

My daughter, Ellie, wants a "Hot Jew", and no, not a Yiddish beefcake calendar. It's warmed milk, which she has never called milk, but continually calls it juice or 'jew' in her sweet 2 year-old voice. (and no offense intended to those fine-looking males of Jewish extraction)

So we walk around a mostly deserted Target, Ellie sipping her "Hot Jew" and me, drinking my coveted latte. The looks we get from people are classic. It ranges from smiles to what they want to say,

"How dare you MOM, giving this sweet toddler a coffee. After all, I've never had kids but want to impart my all-knowing worldly wisdom through dirty glances at you, since you're her mother."

I did not want to spend any money at Target but a new book is out, I needed T.P. and laundry soap. We get up to the counter and a cashier of questionable age rings us up. The shirt I picked out for Ellie has no tag. So he turns on his blinking light and I, being efficient, swiped my debit card through their germ dispenseroops, card machine and we wait. And wait. The line is now growing and he looks at me impatiently and says,

(oh, wait for it...)

"Do you mind running over to the girls department and getting another shirt with a tag."

I looked at him blankly and am dying to ask, "Gee, you want me to run the service desk too? And how about the state of those bathrooms?"

I reluctantly cave with a "sure", only due to being tired of waiting. I pick up my purse and scoop up Ellie. We walk over to the girls department, within sight of the registers. I locate a properly tagged shirt and together we walk back over to the counter.

I was gone a whole 30 seconds.

Wonder Cashier decided in that time to move on to the next person. I immediately was irritated by this because I am doing his job and I'm not about to wait in the long line that has sprung up. I plunk my purse down in my empty cart while the lady who was behind me is throwing things on the conveyor belt. She looks at me, annoyed by my presence as I proceeded to tell the checker I had the shirt. He then told me in his best mumble, "um, just a sec".

I love that they hired well-qualified, professional customer service.

I interrupted his ringing and asked Wonder Cashier about my card being swiped through their machine as I am not about to pay for this lady's goods. She looked over and said with emphasis, "I will be doooone in a minute".

I wanted to ignore Rude Lady and try to let it go. I stood there waiting quietly as my mind whirled with comebacks.

Target Dog nothing, how about meeting WWF Smackdown Target?

Wonder Cashier, on the other hand looked at me vacantly. How was I to know he canceled out my card and transaction? Maybe he thought I was unreasonable. Maybe he was only 14 and filling in for his mom? Maybe a new employee on his first day or perhaps just a dim bulb that would be fired before the day was out. I didn't know and honestly, didn't care.

"I canceled it. Hang on a sec....."

I was so close to opening a can of Get A Verbal Whooping Here. I waited for Her Royal Rudeness and Customer Service Cashier of the Month to get done. Not one peep, glance or comment from me, which if you knew my personality is a feat in and of itself. She didn't notice, as I did, an employee came out from hiding and took away Rude Lady's empty cart assuming we were together. Rude Lady then turned, grabbed the end of mine and started loading it.

I can't believe how ridiculous this is.

"Is this my cart?" she asked the Wonder Cashier behind the counter. It dawns on her it isn't, but never once addressing me as I retrieve my purse and coffee cup from the top seat.

By then, I'm envisioning how much fun it would be to just push her head down into the shiny red basket and run full blast through the parking lot with her legs kicking out the top. I would also hop the sidewalk and get some air off the curbs.

Come on....lean over...just a little more....just a little more.....

Employee of the Month finished ringing my things and I ended up smiling from ear to ear while keeping Ellie out of the gum that sits perfectly at her eye level.

"Your total is $33.85. Would you like to open a red card today and save 10% on your purchase?" My grin disappears. I calmly asked "Do I want to save 10% so I can give Target 25%?"

He gets my point, says a thank you and wishes me a good day.

Now, I could have done things differently and shown more grace. There are plenty of things I could have done, or not:

A) Yell and apply the Verb to his ancestry, his dog, his workplace and his backside. Demand to see the manager. Claim to soon own both their jobs.

B) Quietly take the incident as an off-day and forget it. Continue dreaming of the lift and velocity off the curb with Rude Lady in the basket. Sweet!

C) Call the Target four times a day posing as Wonder Cashier's girlfriend or mother so it gets him fired.

D) Watch Wonder Cashier's schedule and place a large sack of flaming dog poo outside the employee exit at the end of his shift.

E) Try to be gracious but put it on a public forum for all the world to see.

All I have to say is it was hard to walk past the comment box....and the employee exit, for that matter.

28 October 2006

linky love Bloggerversary

I'm celebrating a little early, my two year bloggerversary as of November 1!!!

OVER TWO YEARS I've met some fantastic people.
Translation: Stalking is harder than it looks.

OVER TWO YEARS I've made some great friendships.
Translation: Look at my cool blog shrine, I have candles now!

OVER TWO YEARS I've made a handful of funny, honest, got your back, close to my heart, life-long relationships.
Translation: I owe people money and they have my real name.

I dedicate this post to you!


I'm sharing Life & Times, opening My Gobhole to give you a little more than My 100+ Things, just Out of The Blue. Think of it as a Front Porch Conversation with a good friend. I want to give you a A Glimpse Into My World to tell you about my Family Circus while I am Living In Grace.

I'm a LadyWriter and you can catch my daily Random Synaptic Misfire in print, Writing From The Inside Out. It's a wonderful mix of Victorian Rhapsody & Dirty Dishes but not all Paradise Valley as you might suspect.

I'll give you a ViewFromTheCloud, showing you the real side of me, a BossyBritches or an Impatient ChickenDeputy's Wife but it can be surprising as Spilt Milk. but that is what makes it fun. I may not have a life of say, a

For Better or For Worse I always say, That's Life Too!

I hope it's not 2 Much 411 as my daily grind can appear like My Life Is A Cartoon with crazy stories; already having blogged The First Hundred or more Stolen Moments.

It's a Mad World at times being a Redneck Mommy. You would wonder if my boys think It's About Being Able to Fly the way they run around Dreaming and Believing they were Batman fresh from Jeremiah's School Of Levitation trying to catch their made-up arch nemesis, The Cachinnator. They are also always looking for "Just Some English Guy" to help fill the role as the smart and savvy sidekick. Then when it's time for chores, they are moving like a Turtle. I do wade in The Shallow End of sanity at times. Just call me Crazy Mama D....or do I mean E?

Shut up! no way, you say?

Even cleaning my Beautiful Mess can be as inspiring as taking a Random Walk through a courtyard or taking Fresh-Cut Flowers to a Green Cathedral. Perhaps in time to hear Sarah's Sermons and listen to me Singing a Verse of My Song (It's Okay, I'm With The Band).

I am Finding Joy as a Daring Young Mom hearing all the Hubba Doos ("I love yous") and knowing someday I'll be a Rock Rebel Granny. It's easy to look for a Greener Pasture but for now, I'll settle for hearing things from my kids like "What On Earth Is That Smell".

I'm just one Gobulous Hottie, married to Mr. Coffee, raising almost Six Kids, armed with humor, a good book, an occasionally clean house, and killer casserole.

Sweetly and Saurly Yours,


25 October 2006

time to make the donuts honey

I was watching The Today show this morning and they were talking about Krispy Kreme VS Dunkin Donuts. One woman interviewed on the show had announced that Krispy Kreme was addictive, inspiring me to photoshop the real truth above. Oh, yes, I did.

In the city I live in, we happen to have a Krispy Kreme. It's right off the highway and the smell is divine. Sometimes the HOT sign is lit up, enticing passers-by to throw caution out the drive-thru donut window and taste some soft, gooey goodness. Stopping in is even more fun watching the donuts float down Grease River into Drippy Dry Flats, out into Sugar Shower and finally resting in boxes.

I, however, am more of a Dunkin Donuts kinda gal. Even when I was little, I would venture out past the light post without permission, walk to the end of the apartment complex, turn the corner and drop in on the ponytailed girls running the Dunkin Donuts counter while wearing their cute pink and brown uniforms.

The fresh baked aroma would hit me as I pressed my hands against the glass door in eager anticipation. The little door bells chimed and a face would peek from the back of the store, seemingly swallowed up in mountains of coma-inducing, heart-stopping sugary delectables.

"Hi Emma! Hey, we have some extra donuts for you!"

"You want some pink sprinkles?"

"How about some milk?"

Why they fed me, I don't know, but those girls were the best friends I ever had to that point in my young life. Except for maybe the boy who chased me on the playground until I decided to go steady with him, if it was okay with my mom.

I think now, of my 6 year old self, walking to the strip mall next to my apartment complex, on a busy, busy street in Santa Ana, California and I am amazed I wasn't hurt. It was the mid-1970s but even then I was willing to risk the wrath of my parents for the euphoric taste of cake donuts. And so my love was born. Cake donuts without icing coupled with some black house coffee and perhaps a pink sprinkle or two. MMm MMm good.

So the question of the day: Who makes the best donuts?

Krispy Kreme or Dunkin Donuts?

20 October 2006

and I do my little turn on the catwalk

This morning, I checked my spanking, hot - off - the - press, October Kaboodle newsletter and it's official. My blogger friends have pulled through and signed up!!! Now all my sentences end with exclamation points!!! (Help me!! I can't stop!!!) Now thanks to everyone who Kaboodled, I am soon to be the proud owner of a 2G iPod Nano. wooohooo!!

I was so excited when I got my email newsletter, I did the 'I won an iPod Nano' dance which involves a great deal of flailing arms around, doing the white man's overbite and shaking it like it's 1999. I'm also the self-proclaimed unofficial spokesperson for Kaboodle, in which I will announce that they are now doing another monthly contest. Check it out and win an item on your Kaboodle page displayed on your blog - up to $100 in value. (see my wishlist? You can also add it to your blogger profile) .


Is it wrong to ram someone in the carpool lane waiting for the kids to get out of school? Just wondering. I did however politely request that a environmentally careless grandmother possessing no sense of example or etiquette to retrieve her smoldering cigarette butt she openly deposited on the brand new, clean concrete walkway just feet from the entrance to the brand new school full of gradeschool-aged, impressionable children. Nice role model there, Grandma! Now pick up your butt!!


I had a wonderful time with my mom, aside from my own premonition that I would not survive the visit without retreating into drugs, alcohol or tabloid magazines and reruns of Entertainment Tonight. I discovered a great deal about my mom, from her misdiagnosis of bipolar disorder, to her mismanaged health care, to her new drug study that she is in for her correctly diagnosed illness and her little Chinese doctor that is doing a stellar job of getting her on the road to well-being and quality of life. I have not seen her as functional, rational, peaceful, healthy and happy as I did this week. I did not know how much it weighed on me until now, knowing that she was doing so well.

At times, I have a hard time with the fact that of the four of us girls, their are only two of us siblings that have kids and further, we are the only ones that are hands on when it comes to my mom's care. It must be taxing to have a schedule of a single person without children. To be burdened without school functions, PTA, church, doctor appointments, MOPS, carpooling, school, sick kids, and the proverbial 6 loads of laundry a day. Is that catty of me? Yes, I take my milk in a saucer, thank you!


Our pumpkins have given up the ghost, no pun intended, due to the warm weather as of late. I thought that the fuzzy mold aggressively growing out of pumpkin mouths and eyes would be a bit too much for the constitutions of tiny pirates and giant bumblebees knocking at my door in about a week. We don't celebrate Halloween. Yes, I am one of those moms. But to my credit, I even make the kids say *500 Hail Mary's after passing the Halloween isle at Target and wash their eyes with anti-bacterial soap when they see a Halloween commercial.

Can't be too careful, you know.

*No disrespect intended to Mary who is no longer with us or to those people who do hail Mary on a regular basis. Then again, ignore this because I think this disclaimer is making it worse.

15 October 2006

a little this and that

I had a great time with Badoozer over here in Emma Land. I love it when she visits, because we are such goofs. By the way, she has really good hair. I have my days but she has YEARS of good hair, so good in fact that I had to get some information out of her on exactly how beautiful hair is obtained. I, on the other hand, typically look like I did my hair with an egg beater. I don't brush and tell, now, but I'm set thanks to this contraption she made me buy (yes, made me buy, before we were kicked out of Fred Meyers)

As of today, we both have Pantene TV commercial worthy hair. Isn't that great? Every time I go past a mirror I have to repress the urge to spin in slow-mo. See? It's that nice. Anyway, it was fabulously good to see her again...and no, we didn't need bail money this time around.


I finally received my IKEA catalog in the mail for 2007. I need only $3,157.32 to buy what I want out of it. I'm not even holding my breath for the new Crate and Barrel catalog. Man, I love them.

How easy is it really to cook a homemade meal? I'll tell you. I saw a TV commercial recently that spoke about this no fuss, effortless, crock pot meal.

"SO easy, just add water and simmer for a home-cooked taste".

Tell me it is not hard to:

Throw a chuck roast in the crock and turn it on high.

Add one can of condensed cream of mushroom soup

Add one packet of onion soup mix

Add a bag of baby carrots

Add a bag of baby potatoes with some salt and pepper?

Now, the hard part: Let it cook all day until the roast is falling apart.

Like that would take so much more work? Marie Calendar is banking that it is.


My mother is coming to visit this week, so I might be scarce for a couple days. At least I have good coffee now, to pull me through. I broke down and bought some. I know...I know, now cheating on Folgers, which coincidentally, despite public disapproval, is actually not that bad as a drip. As a cup of French press. oh, Lordy, it stinks. You know what they say though? "Why drink decaf? There are better ways to get bad breath." Not that I drink decaf or have any idea what that completely made-up and impromptu saying has anything to do with my mother.

But I have good coffee now.....all is well. (**think Trader Joe's Fair Trade organic, economically, & environmentally friendly coffee)

13 October 2006

Dear John Roaster

To My Dearest Frou-Frou Expensive French Roast Coffee,

It was bound to happen. Those grocery store sales sneaking up on me. You really can't fault me for wanting to save some money without sacrificing taste, now can you? I am only one weak human, for the love of all that's good and decent! I can't always be perfect, sipping the same brew, day in and day out. It's been so good but I do believe I have to move on. The simple fact is...I cheated.

There it's out.

You have to understand! I didn't mean for this to happen. It just did. Rolling down the isle on three wheels and a lump of bearings, looking from sale tag to sale tag, minding my own business and there it was. A red plastic tub of Folgers on sale. Gourmet Supreme. AND the worst of it? Dark Blend with the official Aroma Lock Seal. How could I resist?

I know. I know. What you must think of me, now? Running off to cheaper coffee when the checkbook ran dry. What was I supposed to do!? I have needs, you know. Everyday, you tempt me, tease me with your aroma while deep in my heart I know I am just buying you. You fuel my day with every lingering sip. What can I say? Can I deny that it was amazingly good? NEVER!

I just feel so dirty.

My budget says I have to make some changes so I doubt I will be returning to your twelve dollars a pound. I cannot. I must not. Time will only tell, but more than likely this might just be the end of us. Don't hate me, though. Please, don't hate me.

Just remember the good times, spent with Newspaper. The times with Hubby, with Good Morning America, with Badoozer & the ever-running Dapoppins Coffee Talk. Even that phase with Preggo Belly, Cinnamon Creamer, & Decaf. I'll always remember how well we went with Good Book, French Press and long, long ago, with those teachers I like to call Hangover, Commode and Final Paper Procrastination.

And so, I take my leave. May your bean be robust, may your logo be "mermaidy" and your price someday, affordable so your groupies don't have to give up luxuries like toilet paper and food.

09 October 2006

I don't want to be a pie. I don't like gravy.

Come sit a spell.
Maybe this is why they call it squash?
(and yes, pumpkin is squash)

Grab a wheelbarrow in your favorite color.

Would the real Great Pumpkin please stand....

This is what Lewis and Clark called a starter home.
Modern teepee
sleeps 6 comfortably
Fire never smokes
needs some TLC

Comes with forced air

modernized packed dirt flooring
Charming neighborhood

You know it's a good fort when there is a teepee just to the right of it.

Dad really does hold down the fort.

Ellie Punkin

The Brothers holding as still as could be expected.

A maze of maize. Amazing.
I was stuck in this for 3 hours.
Darn GPS! For the last time THERE is NO INTERSECTION here!

Hurrah! Survivors!
This must be the Coffee Tribe heading out.

07 October 2006

punkins at the patch

Today, the family went to a pumpkin patch.
We had fun.
So much fun, in fact, that we should have enough pumpkins for 514 lbs of dried pumpkin seeds and enough filling for 13.4 million pies.

I think it'll wait on the details and incriminating pictures for the next post.....

05 October 2006


This is one concerned pastor. *Click to Listen* LINK UPDATED (mp3)

It's worth it to get a good laugh, I promise.

This is one hilarious remix of a concerned pastor. *Click to Listen* LINK UPDATED (mp3)


Lastly, Home Depot Kids Workshop this Saturday at a Home Depot near you!

Have a good day!!!

03 October 2006

EmmaSometimes & Mr. Coffee

I needed to do a bio on myself since I have done them on the kids..so, here goes.

Behind door #1 is EmmaSometimes and even though she is indeed 13 years happily married with four cherub-faced children in tow that have been known to drive her to copious amounts of personal therapy, she frequently sticks her nose in a good book while enjoying a large cup of over-priced black coffee. At times, she relishes her little delusions of grandeur in becoming a well-known humorist author, perhaps a creative web designer or possibly that PTA lady that sports the fashionable orange reflective vest for crossing guard patrol duty that she now wonders what possessed her to sign up. She loves to laugh out loud, plays piano badly, routinely laughs at her friends' expense and has been caught more than once yanking the tags off her mattresses. She is also a self-proclaimed chocolate snob and has been known to drive her minivan around town at an alarming rate of speed doing errands while muttering movie lines from The Ballad of Ricky Bobby.

Behind door #2 is the darling husband, aka Mr. Coffee, who enjoys WWII history, reenacting WWF Dad VS Kid Smackdown in the house and has for his entire life harbored a wish that he had a cool face scar like GI Joe. Currently owns the largest collection of 80s ties since Miami Vice went off the air. Also enjoys loud techno, wearing fuzzy bunny slippers and constantly reading books about God. Always makes time for Jane Austen chick flicks, head-banging to Van Halen while doing household chores and full contact golf. Has been easily mistaken for George Clooney or other hot actor with dark hair, green eyes and big manly eyebrows. Likes to wear camouflage and kisses wife often.

Now you know.......

going freaking postal

I am now convinced the Unabomber was simply a worn down eBay seller that got tired and lost it over his FREAKING PENNY PINCHING BUYERS who were completely unable to FREAKING EMAIL or just IQ challenged enough to fail asking a FREAKING QUESTION before they bid on his FREAKING AUCTIONS in which they complained and whined to no FREAKING END about the cost of FREAKING POSTAGE stated on the FREAKING WEBSITE in plain FREAKING ENGLISH!!

I'm sure of it.

**We now return to normal, sane programming........

01 October 2006

secret art

I take my children to school every morning and drive by 'the blue house'. I believe the bush is a lilac crapemyrtle (thank you Harmonica Man), with pinkish purple flowers that bloom every fall. The green and brownish foliage set off the floral display with a robin's egg blue house as it's canvas. Isn't this pretty?

It's an amazing piece of art that seems wholly ignored, as if it's my little secret, unknown to passers by. I've wanted to capture my little 'secret' for the last four years and now, unencumbered by rain, it's forever immortalized in picture.

20 September 2006

dayquil anonymous

Hi, my name is Emma and I'm slamming Nyquil for my stupid sinus headcold.

Hi Emma!

I have an update to a post from a couple weeks ago. I kinda left you in suspense and now your life will be complete with the resolution of said post.

Bear with me, my head started throbbing yesterday morning and hasn't stopped. Coincidently, my retina is about to blow out my eye socket. I've also ingested enough Ibuprofen that I could feasibly cut off my head and still smile & laugh about it. The Dayquil is getting to me too, so if I don't make any sense, well, you're used to it anyway........hey, look butterflies!

I have finally mastered Wonder Woman's spin, although I've turned into Betty Freaking Crocker instead of a busty Amazon warrior woman in star-spangled unders and boots to die for. I don't know how I went downhill so fast, but it started last week when my in-laws gave me a food processor for my birthday. No one could have seen the outcome.

As it goes, this is no ordinary food processor. It's 500 hp of Black and Decker polished guts and steel that grates, slices, dices, kneads and as an added bonus, also chips small trees and can handle landscape mulching.

This is the pinnacle of kitchen perfection.

There I was, standing for half an afternoon in euphoric glee mesmerized by the whirling blades that screamed back at me, "I am magnificent! Watch as I perfect that slice of dairy goodness people call Swiss. BEHOLD! I am that thing of beauty that babies laugh at, that men stare at in bewilderment, and what women only envision in the deep recesses of their Martha Stewart, cordon bleu fantasies."

Thank goodness, Mr. Coffee was able to snap me out of it with an intervention, talking me down from my 5th gallon of homemade salsa. I still get chills just looking at the machine and it's clean lines and shiny buttons, taunting me from it's corner of the kitchen. (By the way, if anyone wants pureed birthday cake, it's in the top shelf of the fridge. )

IN other news....

School for me should be done. It isn't. This bugs me so much that I'm going to name my first ulcer after the school mascot. My school even sent me this letter:

Dear Mrs. Sometimes,

Although you are an exemplary student, it would help to get off your duff, get your poop in a group and send in the course work FOR THE LOVE OF SWEET HOLY PANCAKES!! We do keep in mind it is a work-at-your-own pace course, although we somehow assumed that you were human instead of part snail. We are here to help with any questions you may have. Have a nice day.

Acme Medical Transcription School

PS. You have a cool blog

Well, naturally!

KIDS: Three of four kids are in school full time. It's odd to have the house so quiet during the day albeit a welcome change. Ellie and I can do things, like chop and dice. Why watch Elmo or read a book when you can mince an entire onion in 4.2 seconds?

After applying everywhere I could think of for minimum rage, I will not stoop to another horrible interview and am resolute to working in a bookstore. The last three times I have worked in bookstores, they offer to keep me on after the holidays. Emma, in a bookstore is like a chubby kid on diet in a candy store on allowance day without his mom. Lord knows you can't make it out without your hands full.

And I'm not talking about my favorite TV show with Hugh Laurie. I'm talking about SOLD!! I will know more on Friday or Monday at latest, but I'm already hoarding boxes. I believe if all goes well, we will be in a new place by Oct end. Nothing is set in stone, yet...

We are starting back to church. I don't like me when I'm not immersing myself into what God wants in my life. I get in a bad funk. Even if you aren't a church goer, you can understand feeling like you are not living up to your purpose. I have been feeling like my world is getting small and my life example is crap. That has to change.

I've learned let sleeping dogs lie, even the forgiven ones. Not that I'm calling anyone a dog, per say. Just forgive and go forward. Onward and upward. Speaking of onward, my mother is coming to visit from sunny California come October. Because selling a house and moving isn't enough stress.

I'm not talking about it because I'm mad, not at Mr. Coffee, but...putting it mildly, construction trades stink like a bean-loving skunk devouring Limberger cheese at the porta potty in front of a paper mill.

I want to blog every day and with 'other moms' doing it, I wonder how dirty their houses really are. I decided to visit more blogs but until I move, I shall be a bit scarce. No, I am not leaving my blog, I enjoy it too much. I enjoy getting all my stuff moved more. Speaking of stuff, I leave you with a word from George Carlin,

"Ever notice how your stuff is stuff and other peoples' stuff is crap? Hey, move your crap out of the way so I can put my stuff down!"

16 September 2006

car talk

I was picking up my daughter from school last week and this was the car in front of me. Cute isn't it? I thought it was possibly a antique Mini or a smallish Morris Minor. I'd love to know what kind of vehicle this is. Rather like a 1950's chevy washed in a hot water wash and dried at high heat. It must be nice, though. When it breaks down you can carry it home.

Actually, I just want to win the stapler.

**POST posting: Thank you Granny!! The vehicle is a Nash Metropolitan.

14 September 2006

dermabond girl

I just got a bill in the mail. $518.80 but allow me to back up....

One hot day in the last week in August, I mustered the strength to venture out to the grocery with all four kids. We were out of kitchen staples, and since I can't magically create a four course meal from canned beets and bamboo shoots, I had to go. When I arrived home, I finished unloading the van and was telling the kids to come in the house. Ellie, my 3 yr old, barrels down the driveway full speed. She trips at the bottom and falls headfirst onto the concrete. I was almost sick because I knew she hit hard.

She will be okay, but the hollow thunk of her head hitting the ground...uhhh, so horrifying. I ran over and picked her up, fearing the worst. She had cut her forehead and nothing else was bleeding, just superfical scrapes. I still don't know how she didn't scrape her nose and bang her teeth, let alone her hands and elbows.

We took her to Urgent Care still bleeding from a small but deep head cut. They cleaned it out, examined her and used Dermabond (medical super glue) instead of stitches. Oh, but she was a trooper. 3 hours later and way past her bedtime we made it home.

Just yesterday, I finally got my bill. I'm tempted to drive over there and show them Ali-style what I think would qualify as $518.80 in medical bills.

Dermabond & topical skin numbing (superglue & Lanacane) cost $58

Surgical supplies (aka cotton swabs, two sets of surgical gloves and one band-aid) $138

Pulmonary Function (checking her oxygen intake) $30

Urgent Care Clinic fees (walking on their carpet, waiting in the germy waiting room, talking for 5 minutes to a receptionist that hates her job) $97.00

Professional Fees (the Nurse Practitioner) $195

No wonder I am unable to get affordable health care. I still am going to contest this.

13 September 2006

short snorts

Being a novice writer, I have to share these oh-most-hilarious funny short stories.

JLR over at Impatient Chicken posted on this and I wanted to share some of my favorites from the Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest ~ 2006 Results. They are WORTH the read.

"Detective Bart Lasiter was in his office studying the light from his one small window falling on his super burrito when the door swung open to reveal a woman whose body said you've had your last burrito for a while, whose face said angels did exist, and whose eyes said she could make you dig your own grave and lick the shovel clean."
Jim Guigli
Carmichael, CA

"It was a dreary Monday in September when Constable Lightspeed came across the rotting corpse that resembled one of those zombies from Michael Jackson's "Thriller," except that it was lying down and not performing the electric slide."
Derek Fisher
Ottawa, ON

"Despite the vast differences it their ages, ethnicity, and religious upbringing, the sexual chemistry between Roberto and Heather was the most amazing he had ever experienced; and for the entirety of the Labor Day weekend they had sex like monkeys on espresso, not those monkeys in the zoo that fling their feces at you, but more like the monkeys in the wild that have those giant red butts, and access to an espresso machine."
Dennis Barry
Dothan, AL

"I know what you're thinking, punk," hissed Wordy Harry to his new editor, "you're thinking, 'Did he use six superfluous adjectives or only five?' - and to tell the truth, I forgot myself in all this excitement; but being as this is English, the most powerful language in the world, whose subtle nuances will blow your head clean off, you've got to ask yourself one question: 'Do I feel loquacious?' - well do you, punk?"
Stuart Vasepuru
Edinburgh, Scotland

More on past winners of the contest.

11 September 2006

Moms Want Dads To Know

I was over at a blog that wanted my opinion as a Mom and my comment was looking like a post.

Make your way over to What Moms Want Dads to Know About Them and make a comment.

and for DADS!! Men Behaving Dadly. You can comment on what you wish Moms knew about Dads over there.

As a mother of a 9, 7, 6, and 3 year old and a wife of 13 years, here is my contribution to the things I wish Dads knew about Moms:

1) Please don't call me Mommy unless you are talking to the kids about me. There is nothing in calling me Mommy or Mom that hollers out, "You are the sexy, attractive, friend & love of my life." Call me crazy, but the idea of you calling me the same name as my mother-in-law does nothing for the libido.

2) Since I do not thank you for going to work everyday, I do not expect thank you's for watching the kids, scrubbing toilets and doing errands. Regardless, everyone wants to feel appreciated. The appreciation you show toward me does pay forward and usually unconsciously on my part; a cleaner house, a more cheerful hello coming home, more favorites for dinner.....and sometimes in the most delightful ways. ~wink wink, nudge nudge, say no more~

3) Asking me 'what did you do all day' before you find out what kind of day I had can be detrimental to your health. Please find out why I had a non-productive day before the Spanish Inquisition. I won't (and shouldn't) dump on you the minute you walk in the doorway.

4) My work does not end when you walk in the door. Yours doesn't either. I feel when you come home, I have reinforcements! We both chose this life with children, we should participate in the good and the difficult parts. This means teamwork which brings me to #5.

5) Help us stay unified when it comes to discipline. This way, our children won't think that one of us is a pushover and the other is the bad guy.

6) When I am sick, I cannot always do my regular mom duties. I wish I could call in sick from my Mom job but I cannot. Just because I am not in my bed doesn't take away my 101 degree fever and keep me from throwing up.

7) Every Mom needs some time to herself. I am no exception and am much more understanding when you want to the bookstore or go out with the guys.


Much to his credit, Mr. Coffee knows these things well. I am very thankful we are able to communicate these bits of wisdom. Possibly, I will get him to write some down from Dad's point of view and I will post them. He probably won't have as many Monty Python references, but insightful nonetheless.

06 September 2006


It's interesting having a mix of boys and girls and most importantly when it's come to potty-training. Mr. Coffee, being the shrewd negotiator he is, concocted a plan from the beginning that would unequivocally spare him the duties of potty-training 'the girls'. He would in turn, take care of 'the boys'. This was an easy arrangement for him due to the fact that our first born happened to be a baby girl.

As it went, I accomplished the lion's share of potty-training her. I taught her bathroom etiquette and procedure, cleaned the messes, and explained to her the anatomically correct names for her body. Later, for good measure, I followed our daughter's birth with two sons.

Who's the potty-trainer now? OH, yeah. Who's your MOMMY!!!!??

To his credit, Mr. Coffee never did complain about the arrangement and of course, would quickly correct me when using inaccurate anatomical names such as "pee pee" or "bits". I being the prude I am, when rare occasion called for it, speaking outloud any anatomical names proved difficult. It wasn't until I was in my 20's that I discovered that Missionary Style did not mean I was going to marry someone in the ministry. But I digress...

My son, armed with this Grey's Anatomy schooling made this story priceless.

Once upon a time many moons ago, my 4 year old son was injured. Slowly, he made his way down the hallway in obvious distress. It was the distinct sound of pain that caught my attention, sounding like someone had lost a toe or possibly an eye during a brotherly wrestling match.

"Son, are you okay?"

He was bent over and cradling himself appropriately.

"OOOOOOOOOOOOOOH, " his moan continued, "ooohh, Aiden hurt me!!"

"What happened?" I asked, fully prepared to hear a new story of how to injure yourself in a 10 x 10 room. Jumping off the top bunk? Swinging from the closet hanger rod? Sticking your head in a dresser drawer?

"Aiden hit me in the peanuts with his knee."

I quickly retorted under my breath while snickering, "Look on the bright side, at least he didn't get you in the galls."

31 August 2006

My Own Episode of "24"

12:00 Watch Perry Mason reruns while folding more clothes.
Ponder why I never became a lawyer. Wish Hamilton Burger tried OJ Simpson.
Check email, avoid 23 telemarketer calls.

1:10 Lunch time. Witness children pack away a dozen PB &Js. Do dishes. Watch Lolo empty entire clean dishwasher into silverware drawers. Sweep floor feeling guilt from waste and starving countries around the world. Wonder when Brangelina will break up.

2:00 Play African Wilderness with kids. Swing in the hammock and watch them make Redneck tree chair and hang Barbie. Ignore neighbor with large inflatable pool who never invite us over. Suddenly wish for a bow and arrow.

2:30 Check blog. Try to write something funny. Laugh at own posts.

2:45 Go to Target. Scowl at Jr.'s Department at skanky tube tops. Laugh in wine isle. Try on ugly shoes and drool over books. Consider applying part-time at Target cafe' to get cheap Starbucks coffee beans.

4:15 Drive over plastic toy in drive. Retrieve junk mail from mail box. Hurry kids in house to avoid neighbor children.

4:30 Move wash and see last half of Oprah. Get call from Mr. Coffee inquiring to see if he can bring me anything. Say naughty married things to hubby attempting to embarrass him while at work.

5:00 Regret forgetting to take meat out of freezer. Cook Top Ramen with green beans. Tell Jaina and Max to knock off teasing Zus. Reassure Zus that Ramen noodles are not made from worms.

5:10 Tell children to settle down at eat.

5:15 Tell children to settle down or else. Tell knocking neighbor kids that we are eating dinner.

5:20 Tell children if they don't eat they don't get anything else until tomorrow.

5:25 Congratulate children on finishing dinner without anyone bleeding. Encourage kids to take up dishes.

5:45 Anticipate another "24". Clean dishes. Finish off pot of coffee. Tell Jaina to quit humming at her brother. Send brother to room for spitting. Put on lipstick for when hubby gets home and fix hair. Smell pits to make sure not offensive and adjust shirt for appropriate cleavage. Ignore stain on shirt knowing he won't see it anyway.

6:00 Threaten children to back yard or else. Scrub fresh crayola marker off of fridge. Call local friends to exchange moral support. Email and comment on blogs.

6:15 Mr Coffee gets home looking worn out and doesn't notice stain at all. Wake Mr. Coffee who falls asleep into dinner. Finish half of mine. Tell self to do rest of dishes tomorrow.

6:30 Pull out sewing machine while Mr. Coffee finishes work calls at desk. Hem curtains from 9 months ago. Grunt at pile of work pants needing mending. Finish one pair and leave curtains still unattended.

7:00 Wake Mr. Coffee at sound of tub running. Bathe excited 3 yr old emptying all tub water onto bathroom floor. Watch child squeeze half a bottle of salon conditioner into bath.

7:15 Smack head repeatedly making bunk beds. Successfully attempt not to swear or pass out in front of kids.

7:30 Mr. Coffee aids children selecting nighttime books and tucking them into bed. Assist Mr. Coffee's old boss with forms for suing non-paying contractor. Take pride in being a secret agent while forking over goods on offending contractor. Feel important.

8:00 Kids in bed. Blabber at Mr. Coffee about the day. Tell kids to get in bed for the fourth time. Clean kids toothpaste off of mirror, counter, and sink. Pray with kids.

8:30 Tell youngest to get back into bed. Drink half a glass of merlot. Read another chapter in my book. Set alarm for 6:00am with hope of actually exercising early even though I know I won't.

9:00 Enjoy episode of "24" on DVD. Wonder when they will match Kim's black eyebrows to her blonde hair.

9:45 Wonder why there is never enough time in the day. Threaten oldest to stay in bed unless she is bleeding, turning blue or something is on fire.

10:00 Kids all asleep. Fight hubby for the bathroom. Wish I hadn't drank all that coffee.

10:05 Everyone asleep. Enjoy quiet. Get into bed and try to read between snoring spouse and 747 engine he likes to call 'white noise' fans.

11:00 Wake up to hubby snuggling. Turn off light....to do it all over again the next day.

22 August 2006

in other news

I think the Oregonian's advertising placement guy has a really sick sense of humor. I caught this years ago in the paper when I lived in Portland, OR. I had to scan it in two pieces and no, I did not alter the headlines.

So? Do you think Jay Leno would like this for his headlines part of The Tonight Show? We will see shortly....

*Click to enlarge*
Hint: It's not the article itself, it's the placement on the page next to the wrong ad.

21 August 2006


Bed-headed routine motors you down the hallway. Anticipation is tangible almost, pulling you like an irresistible force as your feet pitter-patter across the coolness of the tiled kitchen floor. Nimble fingers encircle the lid. It gives way effortlessly while the aroma of ambition merrily greets your senses.

Then, it suddenly dawns on you.

Thoughts of liquid ambrosia start to give way to regret leaving you standing motionless in complete horror. Your tiny reflection gazing back from the bottom of your coveted jar reveals only the look of regret and bitter anguish from yesterday's forgotten trip to the grocery.

16 August 2006

R & R and a redesign

Mr. Coffee and I had a fabulous time at the Pacific Coast. Thanks to the new boss giving hubby an extra day, Mr. Coffee and I had 2½ days to get some R & R sans kids. It's been 10 years since we had just 'us' time together. We have survived on bi-monthly date nights and making out in the van at our favorite lookout spot over the city. As parents, time with Mr. Coffee isn't what it used to be. For that matter, neither are tickets for indecent exposure.

Not that I would know.

If you ever decide to get away to the WA coast, I can recommend the Enchanted Cottages just outside of Long Beach, WA. Wonderful hospitality, comfy beds, clean rooms & cute little kitchenettes to save some dough. Eating out frequently can have horrible side effects so we opted for cooking in. We stayed in the Hummingbird Cottage (more pics on the website).

We also went through the town of Astoria, OR. I hadn't been there since I was a teenager and forgot how long that bridge was. Mind you it's where the Columbia River meets the Pacific so no wonder Lewis and Clark set up house in Astoria. Paddling across that expanse would require sweat and muscles. I don't recall pictures of Lewis or Clark being exceptionally muscular or brawny, so it would make perfect sense for them to quit while they were on dry land.

You can click on any of the pictures to enlarge them to retina-scaring, computer-crashing size.

See? I told you it was a long bridge.

Astoria is an eclectic mix of old and new, boasting of the historical must-see sites next to the Pig N Pancake and the brand new Starbucks/Safeway. We also heard about all the movies that were filmed there like Kindgergarten Cop, Goonies and Short Circuit. The boats also caught my eye and I wanted to stow away for a cheap cruise but Mr. Coffee said no. Party Pooper.

We had a wonderful time. I hope we can do this again next year.

I have been told my posts have been resembling a large print volume of War & Peace. Well, this one isn't an improvement but I shall do better.

~Bee still has sand in her shorts