New Year Poetry: Roses Are Still Red

Here is to 2009, a poem or two, for you.

Roses are red
Neighbor's party raising hairs
Apartment life endured
With Michael Flatley upstairs

Roses are red
Yearly resolutions
School, house, self
Some Anti-Christ solution

Roses are red
Learn in bounds and leaps
Getting educated
Happily radiate peeps

Roses are red
Books on the table
My college career
Is no longer fable

Roses are red
I don't dare whine
with healthy, happy family
and Mr. Coffee, divine.

Roses are red
Arrive safely home
Don't drink and drive
I'll scissor kick your dome

Happy New Year!

Best wishes to you and yours and may this year be full of blessings, faith, and love.

~Bee will soon party behind her eyelids

Two Thumbs Up Unless You Lied To The Mafia and They Cut One Off

I have a few requests I need to get out of the way.

First, I want to thank those who heard my plea about a friend who needed a place to stay down in So. California. Things will work out. Moral of the story: Nobody owes you a living but when somebody promises it to you and instead doesn't come through and even more so, you discover they do drugs and hope you will join them? You should bash them on the head with a shovel and run for the hills.

If that makes no sense, then consider yourself blessed. I'm so glad we had this talk.

Second, someone asked me if I'd review the new G1 phone. The incomparable author, actor, and comedian, Mr. Stephen Fry did an amazing review here on his website. Mr Fry is on twitter which led me to his review. He compared the G1 to the other big phones on the market (BB Storm, BB Bold). He did an excellent job. I may not do as well.

I stink at reviews and all the technobabble out there therefore, I'll give you my review of the G1 Google Android Phone in layman's terms.

Are you ready? Gird your loins...

The G1 is an open source phone.

G1 is the model.

The phone hardware itself was made by HTC which I've heard make very good phones. As long as I don't get an ear tumor or die from lead cell phone poisoning, I'm happy.

Google is the branding.

T-Mobile is the phone company you need to sign up for to get one of these babies, at least for now.


Android is the open source software. What is open source? Wikipedia states:

"Open source is an approach to design, development, and distribution offering practical accessibility to a product's source (goods and knowledge)."

Basically, if you are a developer you can make applications for the phone and you won't get sued. It also means that many other cell phone providers will most likely be coming out with their version in the Android phone.

Maybe there is more to it than that but I'm speaking layman's terms here and I'm about to blow a gray-matter rod if I go into more detail.

I ordered the brown color because I am sure when Mr Coffee decides to get one, he will want the black. Now they offer this in white. I would have given my right arm for one in red, but they didn't offer one.

The brown is a muddy-brown, flat color that's very pleasing and mod. The phone is a little longer than an iPhone, but not as wide. I never liked the delicate feel and thin-ness of the iPhone. The G1 has a good solid feel and weight in my hand.

When you activate your phone, since the G1 is still exclusively T-Mobile, T-Mobile requires you to have a gmail addy or sign up for one. I changed out my sim card from my RAZR and with a quick call they switched it all over for me right there on the phone.

If you don't have a gmail address, welcome to email heaven because gmail rocks. Once you sign up or use your existing gmail account, it will download your contacts with a simple sync of your gmail contacts.

You're good to go.

The phone is also email compatible to pick up other email from other addresses. I still haven't set it up but it looks easy to do. The calendar does not work with google's calendar or outlook, so I've heard, but it has the alarms and schedules in the calendar, etc..etc.. the usual. I use my calendar a lot.

Contacts also have a place for addresses so you can easily use the touch screen to look up an address, email, phone or send txt message. I love that you can look at a contact's address, click on it and you are on google maps. The maps also offer a 'compass view' in which it turns your phone into a compass in 'street view' of google maps. You spin around and your view on the phone will spin with you. It's crazy...

If that makes no sense, go to google maps and look up street view and satellite view. I like looking down on the Eiffel Tower and the Louvre. I'm a map geek like that.

The caller's gmail address can be added to your phone contacts. You can also select a ring tone or picture for your contact. The gmail photo your contact has chosen will automatically display. I think photo id for incoming calls is a universal cell phone truth now.

The phone has a screen lock and a drag and drop 'desktop' for apps you love.

The screen's orientation adjusts depending on whether or not the key board is popped out/extended. It has a full QWERTY keyboard which is lovely for texting and emailing.

Translation: Regular keyboard but very tiny. Heh, good luck if you have really fat fingers.

I've found the backlit keys a little hard to read sometimes. I do like that it also has a tiny roller ball that clicks for navigating and works along with the touch screen. I have a plastic film over the top of the screen to protect it and the touch screen still responds well. It also allows cut/paste.

I wonder when I can find a good fancy schmancy cover for the phone. Red would be nice.

The G1 phone has a 3.2 megapixel camera. I would like it more if it was able to zoom or had a flash but it takes very good pictures. The phone gives the option of viewing or sending the photos via text or gmail. The phone is not video capable although you can watch videos, like youtube (another app) without issue.

The apps I've used regularly are GPS, maps, AcroBible Lite (complete searchable Bible), notepad, imeem, making my own ringtones, mp3 player, Shazaam, and Compare Everywhere.

Since I regularly beat people with my Bible I thought it best to have a translation on my phone that could work in a pinch. I'm even more thankful my phone is durable to administer said beating when I didn't have the good Book on my person..say when I'm clubbing, dumpster diving, or at the track betting on a horse.

Haha, I'm just kidding. I don't dumpster dive anymore.

As for other valuable applications, Compare Everywhere is a neat tool where you are able to scan something w/the camera lens and the barcode info is immediately sent off to find out where the item is located and comparable cost, online or otherwise. This will work on books, DVDs, toys,...etc...and the list of items grows everyday. I love this and even though it still won't scan my Costco 36 pack of deodorant (don't ask), I have saved a lot of money this year shopping for toys and such.

I'm still finding out new things the phone can do with the free Android Marketplace right at the tips of my fingers. Lots of applications to be had. I recently downloaded notepad right on my phone.

These are just a sample of the ever-growing list of applications.

There is only one small usb-ish outlet for headphones, charger, computer/file transfer, etc. etc... I have yet to buy a bluetooth, but it is bluetooth capable. I can charge the phone completely in one hour and if I don't use the internet or chat a lot, I can have it on standby for several days. It is also Wi-Fi capable, along with the 3g network. This means nothing to me because I'm the equivalent of a Short Bus Student when it comes to all that jargon. I just know that Wi-Fi drains the mother out of my battery, so I usually keep it off. I also keep the auto-sync feature off for gmail, contacts, etc... I hate remembering to charge my battery.

I do love my phone and I'm pretty easy going about things, however....

1) The volume toggle is on the side and I end up bumping it all the time. I get called and I then I can't hear it. The phone doesn't give a "ring w/vibrate" option or even ring settings, just the toggle. Perhaps an app is being made even as we speak. *I've been told there are many apps that take care of ring setting options.

2) My GPS shows that I live on the freeway and yes, I understand this is not a phone issue but a cell provider issue. The GPS will indicate properly once I start driving, but geez, the freeway? As comedian Steven Wright says, "I used to live in a house by the freeway. When I went anywhere, I had to be going 65 MPH by the end of my driveway."

3) If I'm on my phone and logged into google maps, I can't send any google map information to another Mr Coffee's phone.

Mr Coffee has a RAZR phone that doesn't get internet. He can send a text to "GOOGLE" (466453) with the text message of something like, HOME DEPOT 90210 and google will immediately send back an answer via text with all the top 3 or 4 Home Depot locations in the zip 90210. It works with a number of inquiries. The list is here.

Or

I could just go online on my phone in standard view as opposed to mobile view (the internet pages are offered more compact and with less graphics for small screens). I could also ask him to do it old school. When he pulls over at the 7-11 for his Cheetos or Milky Way Dark...or raspberry iced tea, he can look up the address in the grody phone book hanging from the even more grody pay phone.

Seriously, though. I wouldn't ask anyone to use a 7-11 phone book. ewww.

My last two complaints to the phone are not really the phone per say. GPS is cell tower positions. Map information is just my laziness erm, a convenience thing.

And that my friends, is how much I love my G1 Android Google phone. If you want to see one in action you can see the G1 site here.

Gee, aren't you glad you read my reviews?

~Bee's got review skilz, yo.

My Mother Of The Year Nomination Is Revoked

DINSDALE!!!!

I have really tried this year. I wanted to be Mother of The Year. I was sure to win it only until I got to the part of the competition for Crafty Mom. Daaaaaaaang it.

This winter school break has been fun with all the snow but I wanted something extra fun they could do. Now that I don't have toddlers to keep out of the presents and away from the glass ornaments, I was ready to attempt it.

Holiday Crafts.

I know, me..the woman who attempted sewing vintage aprons and ended up with really big, expensive dish rags. Whatever...

As for the kids, they are always up for a good craft if only to eat glue and build stuff. Anything that you can eat is just a bonus.

We started with making our own ornaments. This is not hard to mess up and with my grasp of things in the kitchen, I felt very brave. I called my friend, Dapoppins, to ask her for her ornament recipe. But since she answers her phone once in a three month period, and more importantly had no EASTER molds, I thought it best to google the recipe like any smart mother would.

I googled. We crafted. They stuck to the baking tray like Mother Crafting Piece of Junk.

This is the recipe.

Equal parts applesauce and cinnamon.
Add 1 teaspoon of glue for every ½ cup of ingredients.
You can bake them to accelerate the hardening process.

HOW can you mess this up?! Well, you probably couldn't. *I* can always find a way.

Once the kids were finished playing with the dough and shapes, we laid them out. I was so proud of us until 3 hrs later, I had to chisel them off the stupid baking tray.

I talked with Dapoppins a day later and she said to leave out the glue. HER ornaments look and smell amazing year after year. Man, I hate her....and I'm saying that with as much love as I can muster with crumbled ornaments at the bottom of my garbage can.

Next trip to the grocery and I scored a gingerbread house kit thingie. 75% off should have been a clue to what I'd be buying. The kids were excited at another stab at crafting and I wanted to be able to say I did ONE craft with the kids that turned out.

Kids, schmids! What about my craft cred going down the loo?

We laughed, sang along to music, and had fun building together. Sadly, our attempts at a gingerbread house looked more like the Gingerbread Man was living in a repo-ed Gingerbread FEMA trailer. Down by the river.

I failed miserably but the kids had fun and that's what Christmas crafts are about. Laughing hysterically at the Crumbling Ornament People living in the Gingerbread Projects.

~Bee wishes you a very Merry Christmas.

Mrs Cleaver Has Nothing On Her

I found this picture online....somewhere, I forget, but by golly, she doesn't look like she is learning much from her punishment. If anything, she looks kinda...well, happy.

Is this common for husbands to punish their wives for 'not store-testing' coffee?

What would happen if she bought the wrong kind of mash potatoes? Does he wear the heels then?

And don't even think about bringing home imitation butter. Dude, you might just end up pregnant. With twins.

I can picture it now:

Marge makes coffee every morning with her perfectly coiffed hair and pearls. She smooths her apron over her freshly ironed dress and glances into the stainless steel reflection in the stove to check her makeup.

She would make sure her heels don't click too much on the clean and spotless, lemon-scented, tiled kitchen floor. She cooks his breakfast of two slices of toast, browned to perfection, and a two minute egg with a side of grapefruit juice, freshly squeezed of course.

And after she cleans up with her cute yellow rubber gloves, she drives to her local grocery and deliberately buys Yuban every single time.

MMM hmmm. That's what I thought. You go girl.

~Bee likes generic coffee, too.

If Only

Once upon a time there was a woman who waited until the last minute to go Christmas shopping for her family. When she finally hit the mall there were so many people that she vowed never to do that again and considered going to a wilderness cabin to live out the rest of her days chopping wood and crocheting doilies.

The End.




~Bee is frantically looking for scotch tape.

500 mg of Laughter With Unlimited Refills

Lately, I've plunked down before the computer and stare. I feel if I entertain you with fits of laughter, you'll come back. I think if I can connect to you on a comedic level, you'll like me and tell your friends. You may think I can't write a serious sentence without goofing off. In contrast, I'm more afraid if I write seriously, most of you will leave wanting to put a gun barrel in your mouth.

I have this intrinsic need to be validated. When everyone and their dog was doing the love languages book by Gary Chapman, I scored big on validation/affirmation. Not surprising, I guess. I already know I'm a people pleaser and need people to like me for me. I get scared when I show who I am that I'll be rejected. What to do when people don't like me? I'll do my darndest to win them over. I know, I know, it's one of those juvenile statements that people think, but don't say outloud. Well, I'm saying it.

I'm sure this validation is a throwback to my childhood stint in foster homes and the abandonment issues they caused. Whatever. I think it might be deeper, like the fact that I watched too many Wonder Woman cartoons and my parents made me eat all my lima beans.

I don't write about my every day because it bores the bajingo out of me. In fact, keeping to more silly and humorous writing is easy, but also a crutch for me. I may not be the most composed in thought, nor could I point to Kazakhstan on a world map. (somewhere near the other "-stans" in the Middle East) I could however, drone on like the rest of them when I tell you about the scare tactics of the makers of the 'HPV cure', Gardasil (the cure of which it is NOT) and my anger at the ignorance of anyone who thinks partial-birth abortion is a remotely sane or ethical practice.

I think back to the days of foster care. My mother, a schizophrenic, who couldn't properly care for us four girls when my father was involved in a traumatic motorcycle accident. The accident left him with a severely broken leg and left us girls in foster care.

I don't remember much of that time, being 3 years old. Yet, I have a few flashbacks. One in particular was finding myself in a cold room with sparce furnishings. It was bedtime. I can only assume it was in the home of a foster family. I sat up in the dimly lit room; the hall light visible only through the slit in the bedroom door that was left ajar. I looked out the window and hated not knowing what was going on. There alone on my bed, I watched the rain come down with every drop silhouetted by the lone street lamp below. I remember thinking how much I didn't want to be there. I wanted to cry, scream, punch..anything to make things different. I didn't want to be alive. I clearly felt I wanted to leave the earth because I felt so unimportant. At 3 years old, I wanted to die.

I am a deep thinker. Most probably darker than most only because of where I've come from and managed to push through in life. I am a worrier by nature, control freak, over-thinker, and idealist, but also one who can wrap my brain around anything logical or emotional. I often have my brain going 100 miles faster than where I am at. I'd pause to answer in grade school, and they thought me a dunce. As an adult, I've suffered in jobs and relationships because I'm honest in how I speak and don't imply or take hints. Mr Coffee is the same which is why we get along so well.

I look back at my childhood and know how it shaped the person who I am. They say what doesn't kill you makes you stronger....or is it that it gives you something good to blog about? I'd say those darker days give me something good to blog about because it's forced me to look at the bright side (humorous side) of anything life throws at me. Like laughing hysterically at the news that the Anti-Christ has a $2200 repair.

Sure, I have my days, just like anyone. But if you wonder why I like to make fun of even the worst of what comes my way, know that it's because I won't let the worst kill me.

I don't know if this is a right way to be. Coping mechanism, denial or insanity...whatever you want to label it...it's my way. If you find that idea disfunctional or 'wrong', do tell me about your 3 year old wish to die and your schizophrenic mother. I'm all ears and ready to wear your shoes. In the meantime, I might find something for you to laugh about. I've found that indeed, laughter IS the best medicine.

~Bee gets philosophical on her daily walks.

Call Me The Walking Waaaambulance

Well, the beat goes on..or is that me banging my head against a wall until I pass out? As you've read earlier, The Anti-Christ is now kaput. Call the Waaaaaaambulance, I'm freaking out.

Mr Coffee called our local trusty, outstanding mechanic and they said it would be $2200 for the transmission. I know, I know, I can't stop laughing. This is not happening. We've already been sucked dry these last three months to the tune of $1500, the van is 12 years old, and is due for it's scheduled blown head gasket in about 10K miles. I would cry if not for this pathetic laughing.

Mr Coffee and I joked we should leave The Anti-Christ overnight with the keys in it but since it only drives in neutral, I doubt a car thief would figure that one out.

I've never hated a vehicle as much as this one. It's been said but I emphasize to you, my dear reader, If you ever find yourself in a position to buy a vehicle from friends or family? DONT DO IT. Just don't. Nothing good ever comes from this.

In the meantime, we have no money for a vehicle (like everyone else in the US right now), no credit, and Mr Coffee's work has suddenly slowed down. I'm walking nearly ¾ a mile to my daughter's school in 26F degree weather (that's 13F degrees with the windchill) AND I'm walking back with her. I also start school in the first week of January. Automobiles are never thoughtful about their imposing inconveniences, are they?

Just think of me today. Thanks all...

~Bee is a big fat whiner

Chestnuts Roasting Near An Open Car Fire

I don't know whether to laugh like a crazy woman or break down and cry right now. Today has not been a good day.

The plan was easy. I would drive over to the Dapoppins estate and watch her kids and mine. All eight of the kids would have wild fun. The Dapoppinses would go on a long-overdue date, and Mr Coffee would be left by his lonesome at our apartment to paint, play the bass, read, and scratch as he saw fit.

No. Not today.

I got a few miles down the road and my van, aka "The Anti-Christ", started clunking and jerking like I was learning how to drive a standard again. This is a bad sign when The Anti-Christ is an automatic. I pulled off the road and find that it won't engage in any gear.

I called Dapoppins and her kids turned on her in a Spanish Inquisition Because Moms On The Phone kind of way. She was completely unable to hear, let alone understand my dire plea. I offered to watch the kids if she would pick me up. She still couldn't hear me and I hung up. Just FYI, in her defense, she would have picked me up, had she been able to hear.

I called Mr Coffee but only after cursing the day we bought the van and beating the engine with a tire iron. I felt better and tried to look cheerful for the kids sake.

Mr Coffee was not happy but he was coming to pick us up in his two-seater truck full of work tools in the back. 

I found it interesting that with my 21 years of driving, Mr Coffee found it necessary to jump in the driver's seat and try to make the van go. I'm not mad or think him condescending however, I do think this is a man thing.

Could you ever picture a woman being told by a man that his vehicle is broken down? She would think it's, well..it's broken down. Now, if a woman tells a man her car is broken down, he will open the hood, and try to restart or drive it, regardless of his mechanical prowess. I do not get this.

As it goes, Mr Coffee miraculously managed to get The Anti-Christ to drive, but in neutral and only forward. The other gears would not engage. Of course, I'm the retard who did not think of this particular gear because *I* drive around in neutral only during road trips to the moon while smoking a hookah pipe and drinking decaf coffee.

Being stuck on the side of the road put all child-sized kidneys into full production and suddenly each one of them is merely one sneeze away from peeing their pants. Starbucks was just across the field, so us girls wouldn't have to worry about finding a place to pee on our feet....get privacy.

By the time we hit Starbucks bathroom doors, my face was numb and the kids were nearly icicles. It was then I remembered I have zero cash on me and no way to get coffee or drinks for the kids. One of the managers gave us free drinks, more likely owing to her recognizing me and the little known fact that I alone pay their light bill.

My BIL came to the rescue and picked up the kids while Mr Coffee drove The Anti-Christ home, in neutral, of course. My BIL was very gracious and I was very thankful the kids didn't have to walk.

Since Mr Coffee took on the risk of driving the Anti-Christ, I was assigned to drive the work truck. I managed to pull the ball off the gear shift twice and nearly killed myself trying to see through the reams of paper and ketchup packets all over the dash. I'm fairly OCD about keeping my dash devoid of papers or junk. It's a HUGE pet peeve, but Mr Coffee evidently keeps his file cabinet there and manages well.

If you can envision a truck with slits for driving. The odoriferous wafting of old Mexican food and dust. A driver's seat with blown out springs. Add a few phone/ipod charging cords, hanging flashlights, and a few small farm animals on the rear view mirror and you, too can recreate my moment of claustrophobic driving.

I was quickly reminded of how much I prefer a standard over an automatic. And hey, it drives in all the right gears and isn't a freezing walk home.

The day did not improve which included an over-flowing toilet in the master bedroom. Of which, my rare expletive completely described what I would be cleaning up off the floor thanks to my daughter who miraculously evacuates everything south of her esophagus about once a week.

If you are wondering why I have any sense of humor left or why I've been crass, you can blame it on the 14 oz tub of caramel left over from Thanksgiving, a Hornsby's hard apple cider, and the charred bonfire in my driveway that may or may not resemble The Anti-Christ.

~Bee did not think this was her best day EVER.

This Tin Of Cookies Is Staring At Me

Who doesn't love a good dessert? And how they surround me.

Yesterday, I went over to a fellow blogger's house for the 2nd Annual Bakepalooza. I think it's an official 3rd Annual but I've only been twice. LoveyH is once again, the hostess with the mostest. She had the house decorated so lovely for Christmas. She also managed to keep a spotless house with a quick vacuum once-over in the kids area after they ate. How I wish I was that disciplined. Anyway, the vacuum was yellow. We, however, were green with envy.

Who else wants appliances for Christmas? That would be me.

There is nothing much to say other than we (Dapoppins, Avery Gray, LoveyH and I) had loads of fun baking, eating, goofing off...and no alcohol or bail money was involved. Pictures were taken by Dapoppins although I used an equal amount of blackmail, the likes of which only a friendship of 21 years could produce. We've known each other since we were 8...as far as you know. So, we won't be seeing Bakepalooza pics anytime soon and yes, this is a good thing.

***

I'm officially getting my edjumacation now that I've enrolled for my winter classes. I'll emerge from school with a degree in Applied Science. Doesn't that sound official? I had to rearrange my schedule to take English as my first class and math following. I had my math class first but I got curious over the English professor's track record.

Have you seen this site, Rate My Professors? Sounds cheesy, but I found it invaluable. When someone has four solid years of many bad reviews as a teacher, I understand why a class wasn't filling at the same rate as the others. I prefer to be graded by my own merit and with the competition I'll be facing come diploma time, I can't afford a poor grade. I reregistered and appear to have very well liked and competent teachers. Go me!

***

In more philanthropic news, blogger Mama Milton awarded me an Oh, The Joys ROFL Award for this post. I have only been reading Mama Milton for a few months, but I love her outlook. Anyway, thank you, Mama Milton for thinking of me. I'll have my bling up soon..

~Bee is aiming at shorter posts. heh.

Do You See What I See?

Since I can import all my posts now from another blog, you may find my archives filling up quickly. Go me!

Do you ever find yourself laughing at your own writing. I've got to be one of the most narcissistic peeps on the planet. Man, I crack myself up.

Speaking of cracking myself up, I didn't do this lovely tutorial but if you were ever wondering how to care for a baby, you need to read this. Okay, baby or not, you must read this. I laugh every time I read it.

I'll wait....

Caring For a Baby

Kills me every time....

Speaking of killing, I'm compiling my yearly list of Christmas music to avoid. I love Christmas music, don't get me wrong. My sidebar is full of them. However, these below should never ever grace a person's ears.

Drumroll please.....

*Christmas Shoes Are Pinching My Feet

*Peaches and Herb's Christmas Reunion

*Wall Street Shafted Me Christmas

*Homeless Roasting Near An Open Fire

*Black Friday Shoppers Will Activate Your Dental Insurance

*Doozie Goes To Court At Christmas: Pelize Stabalot

*I've Got Mr Coffee To Keep Me Warm

*Kabbalah's Rudolph, The Red Bracelet Reindeer

*Dance of The Shovel Whacking Fairy

*All I Want For Christmas Is A Green Borat Speedo

*Beano Presents: Silent Night

*Snoop Dog's Pimpin' In Santa's Sleigh

*Amy Winehouse, The Woman With The Bag

*Mos Def's Fat Booty Santa

*I'm Dreaming of An Employed Christmas

*Here Comes Santa Claus In His Hybrid Electric Car

*Al Gore Raps The Christmas Story

*I'll Have A Beer Christmas Without You

*Jerry Springer Christmas: My Family Tree Don't Fork

*Ding! Fries Are Done Soundtrack (only click on this if you want this song stuck in your head)

*Fireman Choir Sings: Put Out That Yule Log, I'm Coming Down!

*Walmart Exclusive: I Got My Front Tooth For Christmas

*Man, Santa's Hot! with the smash hit single: Oh, Holy Cow..It's Mr. Coffee

*Starbucks Hear Music: Santa's Making More Coffee Cup Ornaments

*Elves Reunion Special: I'll Have a Chinese Lead Poisoned Christmas

*Myspace Christmas: I Saw Mommy Kissing Everyone

*Politically Correct Christmas Vol 1 & 2:
The 12 Days Of A Holiday Season with bonus track~
Away In An Animal Enclosure Turned Hospital Birthing Suite

~Bee sticks to the classics