21 December 2005

the poop diaries

Warning: This post is not for the squeamish and is not recommended you read while at your lunch break. I will talk shamelessly and liberally about poop! I am also NOT a licensed professional so you can't sue me. I am just someone who prefers to stay as healthy as possible and write about fascinating things like bodily waste.

I would like to first thank my dear, wonderfully witty friend, Tee, who without her post Dr.N@tura on Dec 7th, would have afforded me a life of ignorant bliss. But no! I am now a believer and petrified about the little things that have somehow, possibly invaded my personal space in a big way. They are called parasites and apparently about 1 in four people have them.

I've rarely given my bodily functions any thought other than "I have to go", "cross your knees, another sneeze!" or "omagosh, did I forget to flush again?" There has also been the last nine years of diaper changes (my kids are 9, 7, 5, and 2). Did I have any problem with the way things were going? No. I had no troubles. Tee has made it all different. *~sniff~* She changed my life.

I checked out Dr. N@tura's site and even more disgusting but fascinating PICTURE GALLERY. You want to not look but you just can't stop yourself. I am of a rather curious nature and being the typical type 'A' personality I had to investigate further. This led me to several "Ewww, that is DIS-gusting! Ewww Ewww! That is amazing...wow! I didn't know that." I immediately put myself on a naturopathic colon and parasite cleanse after consulting Dr. Ohn (that would be Dr. Ohn-LineSelfDiagnosis).

In the last week I have discovered enough online to know that I will never eat sushi or pork again. Ever. I will always eat a well done steak, whenever I do eat meat. Also John Wayne did not die of a toxic 40 lb blockage in his colon. Thank you, snopes.com cause, you know, I always wondered....

One unexpected bonus, I have lost 11 lbs. doing this program for a whole 12 days (FYI: It's not water weight either, even though my piano legs* have disappeared. I always am liberal with my water intake, regardless). When I wake in the morning I am not achy or sore. That is a welcome development even with my increased exercise. And the question everyone asks, no Im not chained to my bathroom. (you can email me if you need exact details)

So, that is my tale of the poop diaries. I just hope we are still friends after you check out Dr. N@tura's PICTURE GALLERY.

*Piano legs: The onset of water retention in ankles of individual, usually during pregancy or 90+ degree heat, that gives the rather uncomely appearence of the legs looking the same size from top to bottom. See: PMS Bloating

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