04 September 2007

The Martyr

I was once asked to answer questions about myself. I sat down and proceeded to write something and let my readers reader know who I was.

I stared at the questions.

What are your favorite books..and why?

If you could live anywhere in the world, where would you live?

Easy enough, right? My problem was I couldn't think of my dreams let alone explain them.

I sat there....and sat there.

......and sat there. As I started to tear up, I could only think, "Who *am* I?"

Blindsided by the puddle of thoughts in my head, it became painfully clear. For years I've dived so deeply into being a mom that any semblance of me. My dreams and interests were ghost of what they had been. Buried. Nearly forgotten.

I took a long hard look at myself and it became blatantly clear: I resented my family for what I'd done to myself. I felt stuck in a life I had once wanted and eagerly chosen.

In hindsight, I can see vividly where my sole martyrdom toward motherhood hurt my family, and even at times, my relationship with Mr. Coffee. It wasn't their fault I caused my own unhappiness. I loved my family, true. I just needed to be more than I was allowing myself to grow and become. Being a wife and mother was and is rewarding albeit, not all of who I was. The revelation changed my heart and I've never been the same.

Dishes were no longer a mindless task. My kids became a joy and Mr. Coffee and I felt like we were best friends again, not the couple that could only be identified by wedding pictures. Not the screaming mommy who would put on her happy face when family or friends were around.

I read Robin McGraw's book "Inside My Life" and she talks about taking care of yourself as a mother. I read that Robin was talking from experience about being a burned out martyr for your family. The part about her own mother was incredibly sad and poignant to me. I walked away from it with full purpose to take time for something that rejuvenates me, no matter how little or small. Writing and witty banter makes my world go round so before long I closed down my myspace and started boldly writing my first blog.

Years of writing online, bring me to a place of peace. I feel I've finally grown into myself.

Bottom line is, you can only take care of your family when you take care of yourself. Whether it's a good book, Friday night movies with a friend, freshly manicured toes, or a corner of the web....being healthy made me ready and content to take on anything my family dishes out.

~Bee healthy

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"One ought, every day at least, to hear a little song, read a good poem, see a fine picture, and if it were possible, to speak a few reasonable words."

~Johann Wolfgang von Goethe