08 April 2009

Complexities of Vehicular Malevolence

Some days are worth pondering the complexities in life. Like why my kids can't turn off a bedroom light or why the lady at the DMV looks one day away from a murder trial.

However, today I ponder even greater signs and wonders. I recently noticed a bumper sticker on my commute to school. The bumper sticker proudly states: "Bad a$$ girls drive bad a$$ toys"

I've been thinking about it for the last three weeks. The day I saw said sticker, I made a huge mental post-it of the car and in my ridiculous whirring in my head I asked myself, "Self? How bad or evil does your backside have to be when you drive a Yaris?

Is this statement only true for a Yaris car model? Do badasses drive other makes and models? Does then the villainy extend upwards to your colon or does corruption only centralize sphinctorially? Does it stop at the duodenum or closer to your appendix? One must know these things.

I'm thinking perhaps anal atrocities do not stop at the colon only because spastic colon is also particularly evil and can result with a girl even more bad. However, if a woman was involved in a freak industrial accident and was stuck with a colostomy bag and no arms to drive, does this suddenly make her the milk toast of all wickedness?

When "bad ass girls" drive something other than a Yaris, is it universally acknowledged that she will still maintain her vileness? I would gather, her hindquarters must be exceptionally wicked (or less so) depending on the make and model of her car.

Girls, I suggest arsiness, badness, and corruption is based on a sliding scale of vehicular malevolence. If you do not own a car, or perhaps just have a driving permit, this scale would not apply. Logic dictates that your debauchery only starts after you've passed your driving test at the DMV. It's rumored they've written a booklet if you are willing to wait in line for 3 hours to get it. I am not willing, but if someone can confirm? I'd be so obliged.

Back to the bumper sticker...sooo, translation? You are only as "bad" as the car you drive. Really, I am not making this up.

In the spirit of things, I've taken the liberty of drawing up a such a scale with equal grievances for comparison. The scale is actual size and is as factual as your 4th grade diary you once hid in your underwear drawer.

The Grand Scale of Vehicle Badness:

THE YARIS
Sheer debauchery, equal to patrons who talk in the movie theater, muffin top bikinis, not scooping your dogs poop, big 80s hair, and talking to a stranger in the public bathroom stall next to you.

THE CORVETTE
99.9% Sinister evil, equal to cell phones at a funeral that ring "Another One Bites The Dust", eating grapes without paying, one-ply toilet paper, talking about your reoccurring yeast infections openly in a medical terminology class, using acronyms like "OMG" in spoken conversation.

THE HUMVEE
Near moral depravity, aka socks with flip flops, stealing bank pens, hooking up your grandma on match.com, wearing turtleneck dickies that hide muffin neck (akin to muffin top), snoring in church.

THE HONDA ACCORD
Serious wickedness, not to exclude using plastic bags at the grocery, paying for Starbucks coffee in quarters, women with mustaches or braided armpit hair.

THE FORD WINDSTAR
Small iniquities. Cutting in line at Disneyland, eating gluten, having over 15 items in the quick check out lane, wearing white after Labor Day.

THE CADDY
Badness is hardly in your vocabulary, you try on shoes without socks on, use tester makeup at the store, eat one whole chicken in a can.

THE SUBARU IMPREZZA
Wishing for badness, burns mix tapes, drinks Coke with vitamins, keeps 50 key chains on keyring, uses the terms, "terlit" and "yousta could".

THE GREMLIN
Badness is leaving the building, still plays with Care Bears, forgets to feed houseplants, reuses tea bags, squeezes the Charmin, has VPL (visible panty lines).

THE YUGO
Void of all wickedness, drinks instant Yuban coffee, tapes Saved By The Bell reruns on VHS, has Beiber poster on bedroom wall, watches golf on TV, owns florescent-colored banana clips from 1983 garage sale.

So before you run out believing this bumper sticker will fit all types of vehicle, make sure you own a Yaris. Apparently, they are the height of badassery.

~Bee was not talking about a donkey this whole time.

16 comments:

ancient one said...

That was so funny... now I have to go google yaris to see what kind of car that is....

ancient one said...

Okay... a Yaris is a toyota... I drive an old toyota 4 runner... how bad a$$ is that?...LOL

Ian said...

*gives you a Bender cackle*

Heffalump said...

My first car was a Pinto. I guess that would have been right there with the Gremlin eh?

Fantastic Forrest said...

Awesome.

You are my kind of philosopher-queen/semantic analyst.

I saw you at Mama Milton's and came over for a looksee. Me likee.

I have no idea why I just said that.
I mean, I did do it, and I do feel it, but what a strange way to phrase it.

Must be my badass side kicking in, or something.

Ghostpen said...

I just snorted coffee up my nose. Seriously.

Dapoppins said...

What about dodge? Women who drive dodge vans are wicked hot, have cabs that smell like spilled coffee, can always find three week old french-fries to feed the birds and have luscious windblown hair!

No one but no one can whip out a hilarious list like Bee! You should be paid for your hilarity! And I am not the only one who thinks so.

Also, Mom of 3 boys...went on and on today how funny you are. And she said I was nice too!

HA!

I am just a tad jealous of your mad skills with a keyboard.

... Paige said...

That was perty crazy and most likey true but I could not help but notice you totally avoided the mention of my vehicles.
My daily Ford Sport Trac (Yellow*)- and my Weekender BMW Z3 Roadster*

We shall not mention my Beloved;s bigass Van-na White as it can be nothing short of being an ancient angel of haunting slowness.

*the most funest and sexiest vehicles you never had sex in …

The Doozie said...

Ya didn't address large Dodge Ram trucks with window stickers that say "sorry girls...I'm gay". Nor did you address women who are under 40 who drive old lady cars and love doing it. It speaks loudly and says " I hate sex, I never have it unless I have to have it".

And last but not least, you did not address the MazdaRati. One of the hottest and most fantastical vehicles when driven by the hottest milf in town. The mazdarati does 185, and it does that to prevent people in the area from calling it in for a "Traffic Offense" aka an erratic driver.

The Mazdarati has yet to be called in by a driving nark. There is a reason for that, and you should learn a lesson from it. Go so fast when you pass, they will never get your license plate.

man drowning said...

i do love bad a$$ girls,.... but i'm with you that the yaris seems a strange weapon of choice.

.....did you see the van that dooz is takin on her trip....now that's the sort of machine for a bad a$$ girl....



(or a postal worker!)

Jamie Dawn said...

This post is hilarious and a great example of expert comedy, intelligent comedy to the max!!

I drive a Volvo, and my bohunkus is pretty bad.

:-)

Foo said...

I would have assumed the bumper sticker on the Yaris was meant to be ironic.

Aunt Jo said...

What about a VW??

Zerilda The Superfluous Blogger said...

MY YARIS IS RED!!!

i am only 78% evil. i am 69% bada$$

i absolutely never scoop my dog's poop (and that's only pARTLY down to not having a dog)...

i only talk in the movie theater when the movie theater asks for it...

i totally have icing on my muffin top...

my hair is almost as big now as it was in the 80s...

and i have talked to the stranger in the stall next to me...they don't get ANY stranger than my mother!!! mu hu ha ha ha ha!!!

i, zerilda, now invite you to KISS my yaris!!!

MU

HU HA

HA HA HA HA

HA HA!!!!!!!!!!

i mean that with love and hearting. :) xoxo mwah.

Jaina said...

Love it! Thanks for the break down. Where does a Camry fit in?

Heffalump said...

Hey! What are you doing Saturday the 25th? Are you up for lunch if you aren't busy?
DaPoppins has the details if you can come!

Post a Comment

"One ought, every day at least, to hear a little song, read a good poem, see a fine picture, and if it were possible, to speak a few reasonable words."

~Johann Wolfgang von Goethe