29 May 2006

Badoozer visits

Friday entailed of weekday business but I was getting a visitor this weekend. The One, the Only Doozer was coming to visit. Hubby cleared the weekend schedule and watched the kids while Dooz and I went out and created enough mayhem that we swore we would only speak of on our death beds.

This story maybe a little long, but you will like it, I promise. Some facts have been added or omitted just because that's how I roll.

Friday night Doozer got into town and headed straight over to our house. She wanted to make sure I wasn’t someone like That Guy or a Bates Motel owner. As far as Doozer knew, I could turn out to be some psycho posing as me, to wake up, and find herself in her hotel bathtub the next day, covered in ice, with a note taped to her forehead, “Thanks for the kidney, CALL 911”.

We established identity with blood draws, tattoo comparisons and a retina scan. All was well in the world.

Doozer graciously endured my children’s bombardment of questions. Abstract comments ensued on why GI Joe should be prone with his plastic rifle instead of upright in his amphibious ATV. They loved her immediately. She is really great! Stylish, honest and just as funny as her blog.

This was going to be fun. We headed out to her hotel and she checked in with all 348 pieces of her luggage. And don’t even think of mocking her. A girl has to be prepared for um, Armageddon or a tsunami or something. Even I was taking mental notes on the number of bags for my next trip. The key is you have to save room for taking the Bath and Body Works soaps and little bottles of BIO shampoo and conditioner. If you get room enough for a bathrobe and the pillows then you are in business.

Saturday was a power shopping day. You think I am joking? Armed with a parking pass, fat wallets and coffee beverage of choice we set out to the land of retail mallishness. We saw the incense and Buddha store. We smelled lotions & bath scrubs. We cleaned out the rock and agate shop buying souvenirs. We scoured Nordstrom Rack until the cart overflowed. We laughed at weird shoes, made fun of other shoppers clothes and drank Pepsi's and waters until we utilized every stinky, half-flushed bathroom in the mall. We purchased exactly 24.3lbs of candy. We laughed at the uniforms of the Hot Dog on A Stick employees. Well, who doesn't?

We did some more people watching in the food court avoiding the eye of Bored Out Of My Gourd McDonalds Manager Oogling You like he will replace Mr Coffee in a heartbeat. Good luck with that.

Now I am convinced beyond the shadow of a doubt that Doozer is indeed part machine. Her shopping prowess intimidated me beyond anything I had come across. I felt lame. I had been shown up. Hollywood starlets would have been in awe.

We both had delusions of grandeur that we could continue at this pace but we lost our energy by 4-ish and required a coffee drive thru. We needed refueling.

I liked driving Doozer's car because it’s not my 10 year-old Ford Windstop Minivan and it’s zoomy! You can even outrun the cops. My chauffeuring also afforded her a deliciously perfect gawking vantage in the passenger seat. If you have ever been to Portland you will agree that there is much to gawk at in the downtown area. Elmer’s glue shaped into blue colored mohawks, 35 year-old Pippy Longstocking look-a-likes, and guys holding hands with their boyfriends. You know, the usual.

By early evening we had our fill of Starbucks. Doozer finally got online with her internet connection at the hotel. We considered a trip to Powell’s Books and later the Brasserie Montmartre for live jazz and appetizers. We considered some table dancing, mud wrestling, mosh-pits and jello shots as well, but settled on hanging out at the hotel.

We did however share an elevator with two 20 year old hormone-driven dudes holding pizzas and beer cases. Maybe they were on their way to a Bible Study..who knew?

Regardless it was good to have some down time where we could just talk. (Note to self: One drink can lead to wild things like jumping on the hotel beds, throwing laundry soap in the jacuzzi and raiding the maid cart).

Sunday, Doozer had her first pedicure ever and after all toes were beautified, we parked next to Powell’s Books as I astounded her with my perfectly-executed parallel parking. I live in the NW, we can't help being anything but good parallel-parkers up here in the rolling hills of metroland.

We grabbed a bite to eat and waited for someone to quit hogging a window-facing seat while we perused the Laurie Notaro books. Why do people hog window chairs to sit and read their books? It’s rather odd.

We got out of Powell’s in record time, buzzing past Goth Yarn Haired Lady and Man Needing Shower Wearing A Jean Utili-Kilt, weaving through the masses, passing by the Bobble Head Jesus figurines atop the gigantic, locked, occult book display. I can’t even convey how disturbing that is.

We nearly died from the smell once we headed into Buffalo Exchange. If the Goodwill-ish smell didn’t do us in, witnessing a guy being interrogated by two sales clerks for the $3 shirt he ‘wasn’t shoplifting’ certainly did as that was all the excitement we could handle for the day.

A quieter evening ensued, winding down with a rave, illegal fireworks, street racing and egging the Mayor’s office.

Anyway, I had a blast and hope you did too, Doozer. Next time, I’ll come out to visit you and this time I'll bring bail money.

23 May 2006

game on

If you consider getting into a mud fight with my 3yr old, Ellie
you better bring your lunch.
click to enlarge!

20 May 2006

collarbones anonymous

Factoid Friday has disappeared. I don't know how it happened. Factoid Friday was last seen running off into the sunset with Wikipedia, (or was it WebMD??) to start a family. Perhaps naming their first child Webster and the dog, Thesaurus. You might see them more frequently on this blog, not just Friday, so I hope they live long and inform.

The thing is I have always liked little bits of information. I store them away possibly making me the best darn Trivial Pursuit partner on the planet. So, I admit. I am a factoid junkie. Maybe I should go to Factoid Junkies Anonymous.

On a side note, why do they call it Anonymous when everyone knows why you are there and you usually tell everyone your name.

"Hi, I'm Emma."

The room echoes, "Hello, Emma."

"I'm a Factoid Junkie."

See? No more anonymous.

Body image is a huge issue throughout the USA where we are consumed with fashion, white teeth and obtaining washboard abs. Unlike the other side of the globe where the people are consumed by the notion of not being shot to death, getting their next meal and finding water for their children. I'm not trying to be funny here but the comparison is ridiculous. In light of this ridiculous, I have to post this lovely on what we base our standard on.

Magazines and pictures. I go through the checkouts too, and laugh about celebrity cellulite and Stars Without Makeup, oooh-ing and aww-ing over celebs in size 0 evening gowns.

It's really photo-editing software that women are fighting when it comes to body image.

How many teens and women are puking their lunches over images in and on the magazines we see in the checkout lines? Skeleton frames on Hollywood girls photoshoped beyond recognition...you get the idea.

I would like for you to see what really is done to these models who are 'oh, so perfect'. Make sure you see all four of the pics. It'll make you feel better when you eat that extra brownie for dessert...and it tastes sooo good.

18 May 2006

call for support!

I have had a fellow blogger, mom2rn, stop by a time or two. I don't know her well, but I can understand her helpless feeling when a child is sick.

momrn2 over at My Quiet Corner could use a reassuring word, a prayer and/or words of encouragement. She needs your prayers and support for her young daughter who is not doing well.

UPDATE: You can see the continuing update on My Quiet Corner blog. Her 8 yr old is not out of the woods yet, but she is recovering now from a life-threatening condition and subsequent successful surgery. She still needs your prayers! Thank you all who responded!

17 May 2006


I saw this cute quiz over at Granny's blog.
Consider yourself tagged if you want to be.
I'll let you read while I get a refill.

You Are an Espresso

At your best, you are: straight shooting, ambitious, and energetic

At your worst, you are: anxious and high strung

You drink coffee when: anytime you're not sleeping

Your caffeine addiction level: high

15 May 2006

Mo MPG and Mo Time

If you have been wondering (because it makes me warm and fuzzy to think you possibly have)
I've been busy designing templates. Not commenting on blogs. Not engaging in amazingly entertaining banter, or posting. Just templates. (AND no, Anne, you are *not* That Guy!!!).

And in other news, I have to show off this picture I took with my cell just outside of the ever famous Powell's Bookstore in Portland, OR. I found this on the plate of a Toyota Hybrid Prius. This sums up the state of gas prices this year.

07 May 2006

I for eye

meme - Pronunciation Key (meem)
n. A unit of cultural information, such as a cultural practice or idea, that is transmitted verbally or by repeated action from one mind to another.
Perhaps it could be likened to Charles Wallace and his proverbial bouncy ball?

I found a fun meme over at SarahGrace's blog. If you want to try it, then just let me know in the links.

I AM - full, I just ate dinner.
I want - less financial stress.
I wish - I had finished college.
I adore - my hubby
I hate - not learning or progressing
I take - pictures (see above)
I miss - my 20 year old figure.
I relish - meditation time
I hear - the kids watching animated Mr. Bean, the rain on the window and Pink Martini jazz.
I wonder - how hubby's new job is going to go.
I regret - not bringing my daughter to see KT Tunstall live when I went on Friday.
I am not - folding laundry and I should be.
I dance - salsa
I sing - frequently
I cry- listening to Opera
I am not always - confident in my own self
I make with my hands - a killer lasagne
I write - for an outlet
I confuse - family for normal healthy relationships
I need - more quiet time.
I should - let things go more often.
I start - a book.
I finish - in a week.

05 May 2006

Factoid Friday

Had this been a real sign in my neighborhood it would have read $3.07 a gallon, then and ARM and a LEG

I filled up my van today and GOOD NEWS it only cost me 800 dollars! There is absolutely nothing better than filling up at the pump to proceed to the check out and hand over the deed to your house, your 401K and your first born.

Last factoid friday read more like a science class but today will be a bit more fun. At least more fun than a sharp stick in the eyeball but definitely not as fun as Disneyland.

Do you realize that I am worth my weight in gold? Almost my weight in gold. I'm trying hard to lose some lbs. just like everyone else. I threw out my bathroom scale when it started to say, "One at a time please, " and "Do you really want to see this?"

For some odd reason, I find myself at the fridge after dinner and consuming like, half a block of cheese and the leftover tub of frosting. Shortly after I awake from my food coma, I wipe the frosting off my chin and start wallowing in guilt. Now, I could pick myself up and tell myself that tomorrow is a new day. I could easily get my predominately large gluteus MAXimus off the cold kitchen vinyl and finish off the fridge condiments or change my eating habits. Starting with soda. Coke to be precise.

After doing some research on soda I have found the following:

1) Coke was founded in 1886.
"Whatser' poison, partner?"
"I'll have one of them there newfangled Cokes."

2) You can indeed melt a nail in Coke. I've done it, so there.

3) You can use a can of Coke to get oil and very filthy wash very clean. A good friend of mine recommended it for my hubby's concrete covered clothes. Her hubby happened to work in the oil fields granted her the Supreme Stain-Getter-Outer Authority on the issue.

4) In 1984, some dim bulb decided to change the formula of Coke. Riots ensued and people died. I think even a book deal was pulled and an asteroid hit Mars, or something. So they changed it back.

5) Coke has 39 grams of sugar per can. So, next time you want a coke, just pour yourself some carbonated water instead and dump in about 8 to 10 teaspoons of sugar. I can feel my insulin rise just thinking about it.

6) Coke degreases engines. Off the record, I think it also causes global warming and static in your VCR, but that hasn't been proven.

7) Santa thought the colors where so cool that he had to wear the same colors. Yo, Santa's in the hood, fo' shizzle.

8) Coke was originally made with coca leaves a manufacturing ingredient in cocaine. Gives a new meaning to "addicted" don't you think? They changed the formula sometime before the first World War, so it's as safe now as a diabetic needle. YEEE HAW!

So, now that I quit buying soda I can afford another drop, maybe even two drops of unleaded for my van. Maybe if I was paid for what I was worth as a stay at home mother of four, I could afford a trip to the gym. $209,489 for an annual salary would do quite nicely indeed.

by popular demand

We now return to our normally scheduled programing...
Post Posting:
(I had a little moment of getting out my feelings..all better now)

01 May 2006


This party of the first part, aka. me, myself, my pseudo-self Emma Sometimes, (aka. Me) is not in any way directly or indirectly responsible for gentle readers far and wide obtaining resulting emotions, responses, comments, or actions, undesirable or wholly wanted, due to viewing this blog.

Viewing this blog shall here forth be known as any of the following: brain cogitation, writing, genius, outpouring, or finding out the next color of my hair.

All content is publish in it's original sarcastic prose and acerbic wit, unless stated otherwise.

Other symptoms of viewing contents may be, but are not limited to: those done on the Tuesday after alternating full moons executed while unadvisedly operating a motor vehicle, or an unorthodox viewing from the loo by that rare individual who, at his or her perched vantage, would also be simultaneously rejoicing in the fact that laptops are so ambulatory.

Common side effects of said viewings include: Laughter, particularly that followed by bladder incontinence, loud cackling, childhood flashbacks, beverage snorting, coffee cravings, jumping on your desk and screaming, "That's bloody brilliant!!", an occasional production of loud sighs with or without eye-rolling due to 'just not getting it' and that author-coveted life-long reader who will eventually morph into your dearest stalker.

Should these effects percolate to an uncomfortable and daily occurrence, please proceed without further fear or guilt, resting in the possibility that you full well may be 1) a blogger addict, 2) publisher ready to sign a book deal, 3) stalker, 4) Gastroenterologist or 5) someone who wants to study the direct effects of too much coffee on one's cognitive abilities.

Brought to you by the Forum for Darn Interesting Bloggers.
Member of the FDIB.
Creative Commons License

Please be advised all content is copyrighted, and original Emma Sometimes creations. Please read and consume stories with as open a mind as possible.