27 July 2006

Back In 4

Well, I'm going to be out until Monday. I'm going to do some genealogical research, some heavy duty cleaning and just wait...before and after photos of my newly painted hallway.

Until then, I thought I would share this nice little questionnaire sent to me by a friend and since I was born a So. Cal gal, I thought it was funny. No this is not a meme.


Birth Name:_____________________
Stage name: ____________________
Therapist name:__________________

[ ] female
[ ] male
[ ] formerly male
[ ] formerly female
[ ] both

 *If female, indicate breast implant size: _______

Will the size of your implants hinder your ability to safely operate a motor vehicle in any way?
Yes___ No ___ 

Brand of cell phone: ________**
*If you don't own a cell phone, please explain:________________________ 

Please check hair color:

[ ] Blonde
[ ] Platinum Blonde
[ ] Extensions

[ ] Red
[ ] Orange
[ ] Green
[ ] Purple
[ ] Blue
[ ] Black
[ ] Dreadlocks
[ ] Skinhead
[ ] Wig

If Over 25:
[ ] Hair plugs
[ ] Hair piece

Please check activities you perform while driving:
(Check all that apply)
[ ] Eating
[ ] Drinking Starbucks coffee
[ ] Applying make-up
[ ] Shaving (male or female)
[ ] Talking on the phone
[ ] Slapping kids in the back-seat
[ ] Applying cellulite treatment to thighs
[ ] Tanning
[X] Snorting cocaine (already checked for your convenience)
[ ] Watching A Movie
[ ] Fiddling with SatNav
[ ] Adjusting iPod
[ ] Reading Variety
[ ] Surfing the net via laptop or cellphone
[ ] Discharging firearms / Reloading 
        Please indicate how many times:
        a) you expect to shoot at other drivers _____

        b) you expect to be shot at while driving _____
        c) you expect to be the getaway car_____

If you are the victim of a carjacking, you should immediately:
[ ] Call the police to report the crime.
[ ] Call Channel 9 News to report the crime, then watch your car on the news in a high-speed chase.
[ ] Call your attorney and discuss lawsuit against cellular phone company for 911 call not going through.
[ ] Call your therapist.
[ ] Leave your portfolio and headshot in front passenger seat

In the event of an earthquake, you should:
[ ] stop your car
[ ] keep driving and hope for the best
[ ] Immediately use your cell phone to call all loved ones
[ ] pull out your video camera and obtain footage for YouTube, Channel 9, and Facebook

In the instance of rain, you should:
[ ] never drive over 5 MPH
[ ] drive twice as fast as usual
[ ] you're not sure what "rain" is

Please indicate number of therapy sessions
per week: ___________.
*If you do not have a therapist, please explain:

Are you presently taking any of the following medications?
[ ] Prozac
[ ] Zovirax
[ ] Lithium
[ ] Zanax
[ ] HGH
[ ] Valium
[ ] Zoloft
[ ] Viagra/Cialis
[ ] All of the above
[ ] None of the above
 *If none, please explain:

Length of daily commute:
[ ] Less than 1 hour
[ ] 1 hour
[ ] 2 hours
[ ] 3 hours
[ ] 4 hours or more
 * If less than 1 hour, please explain:

When stopped by police, you should:
 [ ] pull over and have your driver's license and insurance form ready.
 [ ] try to outrun them by driving the wrong way on the 405 Freeway.
 [ ] have your video camera ready for YouTube and provoke them to attack.
 [ ] start humming the CHIPS theme song.

When turning, you should always signal
your intentions by:
[ ] using your directional signals.
[ ] what is a "directional signal"?

Which part of your car will wear out most often?
[ ] the brakes
[ ] the belts
[ ] the horn
[ ] the sunroof
[ ] the speakers

The "bright" setting on your headlights is for:
[ ] dark, poorly lit roads
[ ] flashing to get the car ahead to move out of the way.
[ ] revenge

Your rear view mirror is for:
[ ] watching for approaching cars
[ ] watching for approaching police cars
[ ] checking your hair
[ ] checking your hair plugs
[x] checking your botox injection site
(already checked for your convenience)

Please allow minimum of 4 hours when dropping off application.

Sign where applicable:


Birth Name:_______________________

Stage name: ____________________

Pen name: ______________________




Power of Attorney:________________

Parent of Minor:________________

Immigration Officer:____________

Parole Officer:_________________

23 July 2006

Meet The Little Bees 2006

Time for another rendition of Meet The Little Bees! Left to Right: Lolo, Zus, Max, & Jaina.

Jaina, age 9½:
Mother Hen and born leader punctuated with blond hair and Vanilla Mint Lip Smackers. Unintentionally exudes charms in the company of neighborhood boys. Prefers concocting mud pies while giggling and fluttering long black eyelashes. Inspired by promises of short-decaf vanilla lattes, watching Martha and deliberation over Map of The World posters. Infectious smile and rocking DJ. Career options: "Music Teacher, Baby Doctor or Detective".

Max, age 7½:
Einstein packed in toothpick body. Harvard English Professor's vocabulary peppered with Star Wars terminology. Seemingly large, newly acquired incisors accent infectious smile. First student in 2nd grade to fully comprehend macroeconomics in relation to Christmas. Trained in the Jedi arts. Sensitive with charming disposition. Master of The Noogie, Wet Willie and all Knock Knock jokes. Requires 40 lbs of food per day in no less than 6 meal increments. Career options: "Fighter Pilot or Entomologist".

Zus, age 6:
Giggly and lovable Mr. Coffee clone. Champion ice cream eater and Prefontaine protege. Lemonade slurper, recycling king and has shown interest in his future wife, aka blue-eyed, curly-haired next door neighbor girl. Motivations include M & Ms and all kinds of chocolate. Goal-oriented with vocal plans that include owning a bug car, fathering 27 children and acquiring a dog to be named "Stink". Career options: "Navy Seal or Runner in the Olympics who wears yellow".

Lolo, age 3½:
Left-handed nudist with Hawaiian Tropic diaper tan. Drawn to water, jewelry boxes and the possibility of driving mama's van into the garage. Budding crayola artist of walls, fridge and most flat surfaces. Dislikes pickles and spicy foods. Stuffed animal breeder. Calvin and Hobbes fan with appreciation for toilet humor. Never-ending supply of giggles, hugs and smiles. Career options: Animal Planet Host or Princess.

21 July 2006

melting at 104

First off, I want to give props to blogger James, who just had a birthday. (echos: Happy Birthday, James)

You have to check out his blog. He is a great writer, happily married, funny, insightful and works in the IT field..or something equally technically smart. What more would a reader want?

Just Some English Guy

PS. Now if Now when you are reading his blog, please take important note the man has an English accent, not an Aussie accent. Just in case you would mistakenly confuse the two accents that coincidentally, are equally pleasing to the ear albeit, the difference in orgins involve an enormous amount of paddling in the open sea.

Moving on.

Forecast this morning said 104 today. I am melting but Mr Coffee is working in this heat. I don't know how he does it. He used to tell me of when he lived in Phoenix and went to work at 2 am when it cooled to a bearable 85 degrees out. They would pour and finish concrete all night until 10 or 11 am when it started getting unbearable again. I've lived in the Pacific NW most my life so I've acclimated to the rain. It's easy to put on a sweater but you can only get so naked without scarring your children for life or having your neighbors complain.

Again, moving on.

I found a t-shirt place online that made me laugh and laugh.


You can get some hilarious shirts like this:

and this one explaining the answer to life, the universe and everything. If I have to explain them to you it won't be funny. You have to trust me on this.

By popular demand: is a standard IP addy for a network loopback connection. In english? It's the IP address to redirect to your network, aka, you or "Home"


You must read Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy. WAAAY better than the movie. This #42 is explained.

19 July 2006

blogroll smogroll

Since Gwynne decided to share with us her breakfast of champions, I decided to share with her my inspiration*. Note my modification and most important foundation of the Food Pyramid.

*Click picture to enlarge

Now the big dilemma. To Link or Unlink, that is the question.

I've seen these disclaimers now on blogs about blogrolls. Not fun
blog disclaimers. I'm talking passive-aggressive disclaimers on why the blog owner can't just take the link off without feeling guilty and yammering on about it. No, I'm not bitter.

No one likes to be removed. I have been taken off someones blogroll and I wondered, 'what did I say', 'do they hate my writing' , 'See? I'm not that funny' or 'I wonder if their statcounter will show all 428 hits yesterday'. In light of this, I have come up with a blogroll disclaimer:


  • IF I read your blog regularly. If you ignore me I won't link to you. I will also sign you up at half a dozen free coupon sites just for spite. I sure hope you like email.
  • IF you make me snort my coffee in the morning, you are automatically linked. If I perhaps laugh at more than one post, I will give you extra kudos. If you make me wet my person while laughing, I might just have to add you to my blog stalker shrine.
  • IF you make me think. I'm afraid my brain has gone to mush with toddler toys, coffee makers, spell check and calculators. I continue self-improvement efforts with a daily Sudoku game to keep my brain as nimble as a three year olds fingers. Thinking = good. Mush = bad.
  • IF you come by my blog and say hi. Happy communication is a happy friendship.
  • If you are famous and I want to look important and/or funny I will absolutely link to you. (ie, Dave Barry, Homestarrunner)
  • If you appeared in the latest NY Times Bestsmeller Chicken Soup for the Blogroll.

  • IF you have offered to be my sugar daddy, online stalker or other such sordid romantic gestures. Have it be known, I'm a female, 800 lb construction worker with a Subaru Outback and 5 o'clock shadow. I've also been banned from Yahoo Personals and MySpace. I feel the most dainty when my pit hair is braided and my nail polish, tube socks and prison overalls match (Bonnie Bell #37 Faded Denim)
  • IF I simply do not read your blog. Come on. It's not rocket surgery.
  • IF I screwed up my template links. This should be reason #1.
  • IF the number of "F" bombs and rated R content you use on your blog is taken into consideration. More than one episode in 6mos. and your voted off the island by The Prude Tribe. Unless you are waiterrant. Why waiterrant? I don't know him but he is hilarious.
  • Lastly, you may have indicated a keen interest in the following, to which I am wholly against: Animal sacrifice, Hungry Man frozen dinners, fingernail ornaments involving cartoon characters, faux birthstones or swirl decals, fruitcake, plastic yard ornaments shaped like a granny's backside, Ozzy Osborne, instant coffee, yugos, Barbara Streisand music, owning Michael Jackson records, myspace (but I make a few exceptions), el caminos, Jerry Springer, spam & peanut butter sandwiches, sales pitches that include my large purchase of beauty products, Hammerpants, m@gic, fortune telling, and last but not least, boycotting toothpaste and or deodorant.

Last note for those inquiring, Mozilla's browser Firefox allows me to see when you have updated your posts. I pull up about 15 blogs at a time, so if you see me on your statcounter for over an hour, I'm either commenting or stepped away to change my tube socks.

16 July 2006

blog & gas but not related

I've gone Jekyll & Hyde on you and it has to stop. Sometimes I am lighthearted and funny. At least that is what I tell myself when I gaze in the mirror every morning for my Daily Affirmation.

I'm good enough. I'm smart enough. And doggonit, people like me. Now where where did I put my coffee?

Sometimes I feel pensive and full of ideas or deep thoughts.

One thing I do know is I want to keep this blog light-hearted and have my serious side over at my new blog. I'm not there to quote Scripture or bash anyone on the head with my Bible (cause I can't reach you anyway). I hope to grow by sharing, listening, and learning while removing my own hypocrisy. Come visit my serious side at:

Plywood Contacts

aka: speck in my own eye, see Matthew 7 : 3-5
definition: When you are so concerned about the sin in your friend, family or fellow man, your impaired viewpoint keeps you from seeing your own hypocrisy.

Now in other news:

I was behind this enormous thing turning into our subdivision, so I took the opportunity to safely take a picture while operating a motor vehicle at 35 miles an hour. By the way, does anyone know how much a YIELD sign costs?

Introducing my neighborhood, highfalutin Ford Expedition Limo. This person just upgraded from a regular limo to this one. They live just down the street from me that's how I know this. Plus I stalked them to their house and egged it when they went in. Who knew eggs could splatter like that? Just kidding, they don't splatter too badly.

Behold the wonders of a RAZR phone. I'm thinking if Oprah saw this gas guzzler, she would slap this person back to their Debt Diet, drag them through the streets of New Orleans and put them in a Smart Car or something. Maybe the owner was just Lee Raymond spending a smidge of his CEO salary from working at Exxon. He only made a meager $51.1 million in 2005. But hey, "we are all in this together, all over the world".

12 July 2006

Turtle and the Hair

Walking around the corner I found my child had taken it upon herself in the spirit of Warhol to become a canvas for her next masterpiece. It's not all that uncommon. Artists have done some amazing and odd things throughout history; Van Gogh cut off his ear, Dali painted his dreams and Ellie painted herself a gorgeous color of grassy green. I mean really green.

Chubby three-year old fingers gripped the washable marker with exuberance as she worked on filling in every square inch of her flesh-colored leg with marker. The tummy, arms and chest had already been properly patinaed. Even her crayola hair highlights reminded me of an Oopma Loompa wig. She looked so proud of herself. Nothing would stop her now. Except Mama.

I cried out, "OH! ELLIE!," startled at my Jolly Green toddler.

I composed myself.........6, 7, 8, 9, 10.

Can't I step away for a minute to put away laundry?!! I should have been watching her closer. Who knew that a toddler could get through a bedroom deadbolt, two childproof gates and four tons of barb wire?

A dumb question ensues, "Oh, honey, what are you doing?" I asked. Perhaps she was drawing on herself? Duh.

"Cow-werling," she replied matter-of-fact with a sweet toothy grin.

"What did Mama say about coloring?" I inquired with a frown, "Now I am taking away your colors today. Mama told you. "

"Color. On. Paper."

I enuciated each word hoping that this was sinking in. I joke with people my hallway is her canvas, I hang my photos and pictures on the top half and she scribbles on the bottom half.

Her little toddler features drooped. Her brow wrinkled with sadness as she protested, "But MAMA! I wanted to be a 'tu-doe'.

Well, for all intents and purposes she looked like a turtle. I have to look at the bright side. It was washable even though I still can't get rid of her green belly button. I am just thankful she didn't find the Sharpies.

08 July 2006

silence in 5 degrees

I decided to go for a drive to clear my head. The kids were making me a bit crazy today so the quiet was a welcome change. I stopped to get some gas and on the way home, grabbed snacks and breakfast makings for tomorrow. It's a mistake to go ravenous to the grocery because I spent $40 more than I wanted to. By the time I got home the kids were soundly tucked in bed and hubby was painting at his desk. A quiet evening behind a book was just what the doctor ordered.

or in other words............

I lit out on Boo and the babes cause I be needing some chilaxin time. My cribs got me trippin so I hopped my ride, fo' shizzle, tippin in my 'lac, lovin' my sprewell's tricked to 24". Shellin' for gas and grabbed some bites for the week. I get back in the 'lac got home to my Mack. Fo' Rizzle, my dizzle. Peace out! Word.

or perhaps a little like this....

I was persuaded by my beloved to change my vantage and acquire some greatly needed fresh air. The vexation that mounted within me was only that incurred by four sedulously exuberant children enduring the restraint of palatable free movement in an uncommonly small dwelling. Our children were considerably more taxing than days previous, lending to my deep gratitude for the lack of banter today that I was typically subjected to on a daily occurrence. My travels afforded me new perspective and tranquil elucidation. I blissfully welcomed the absence of verbose children as I stopped at market to restock my meager pantry. Leaving with impecunious wallet albeit, with trunk contents that any chef could appreciate, I arrived at my residence without much ado. Much to my delight, I discovered my darlings slumbering peacefully. Alas, my love and I could partake in the utter sweetness of quiet to pursue our hobbies. Mine would include the examination in due length of a literary masterpiece by the one and only Jane Austen. Notwithstanding the plethora of books we have acquired from which to choose, who would dare fixate on a sole publication? Not I.

or in better words......

Dude, like the kids were, like wiggin' on my melon! Hubby gave me a shout out to like, totally bail and cruise. I got jonesin' for some munchies, like so, 7-11 here I come for some grindage. SAH-WEET! I had to pull a cheater five and whip out the plastic cause I bought so much I tanked the bank, dude. I like hot-dogged it home in the Jeep to find the offspring were selling Buicks, like freakin crashed, man. Excellent! So the Kahuna and I chilled in front of the tube. Wicked awesome.

or maybe, possibly it went like this:

I don't care if I looked like I slept in these clothes. I was going to get some quiet time or die trying. Hubby got home and urged me to get out while I could. With delusions of sanity, I bolted for the van. Spilling out Taco Bell wrappers, I opened the driver's door as I think to myself what is on the to-do list for tomorrow. Clean van. I find the gas gauge blinking amidst the other 20 dash lights on. Resisting the urge to leave the van running down at the airport, I tanked up the van and ran into the store. Nothing like grocery shopping by myself to buy luxuries like toilet paper and milk. I was sure Mr. Coffee would be posting our children for sale on eBay right now. How nice to let me out alone now and again. I smiled knowingly at the screaming child in the store because frankly, it wasn't mine. I got home, opened the ice cream and checked on the kids. Asleep? Thank you hubby! I pulled out my latest read and dug in. Duct tape does wonders when mom is away.

05 July 2006

118 anyone?

Thinking about our troops today in Iraq and Afghanistan.

Our troops are over there in this weather. I think I would melt.

(or you can check this out on weather.com)

By Sunday in Kandahar, Afghanistan's weather will reach 118°
We have a US Base there.

and in Iraq?

Najaf weather:
High: 110°
Low: 93°

Bagdad weather:
High: 110°
Low: 87°

Nineveh weather:
High: 106°
Low: 80°

You will never hear me complain about the heat here again. These men and women go out in full gear in this weather. LONG pants, shirts, boots, helmets, ruck sack, supplies, and all while laying their life on the line.

What can you do here in the states? Whether or not you support the war, you can agree to support the troops. Here is a way you can and make sure to check out the other links for more support ideas.

Operation Band Aid

OK. GO. NOW. DO IT or may the fleas from 1,000 camels lodge in your armpits.

(PS. My new blog peep the Cachinnator made mention of this site too!)