30 December 2006

Smelly cat, Smelly cat, What are you eating?

My back is slowly getting better. I've decided though to trade it in for a new model. Until I can get a new one or feel better, I can't sit and type for more than 5 minutes or so. Instead I've spent these last few days vacillating between watching too many TV reruns and walking around like the Hunchback of Notre Dame except without the big hump and rope-swinging tendencies.

The days between Christmas and New Years are always a downer to me. And don't ask if I'm suffering from some Post-Holiday Depression. Have you heard of this new depression classification? I say it's ridiculous.

Says the same woman who watched Friends reruns for three days in a row. I almost becoming the owner of the DVD set of The Best of Dean Martin's Variety Hour and have been caught singing out loud an ad lib rendition of "Smelly Cat".

I know I'll get it for this, but come on! Post-Holiday Depression? Eli Lilly, Pfizer and GlaxoSmithKline must have a think tank of people to think up these "real conditions" to make their wallets fat. Well, they better get a pill for sarcasm. I'm needing it.

For instance: Restless Leg Syndrome?

Um, quit scarfing the menu at Mac And Don's Rainbow Room and take a walk a couple times a week. No? Okay, you're only 25 years old, but your doctor will be happy to set you up with a drug for Parkensen's to make your legs quit tingling and aching.

And why stop there? Your cholesterol is up, but darn it if you have to give up eating 12 eggs a day, your weekly rare 16 oz steak from "healthy FDA approved" cloned meat, and cooking everything in lard and Splenda. You know, Splenda? That's a real sugar molecule.....cooked in chlorine and carcinogens found in pesticide.

Look on the bright side, when you buy too much of the 'healthy alternative' you can just put it on your lawn to keep the weeds down.

And vegetable? What's a vegetable?

My 5 minutes are up.

I'll be back. (heh. heh. I said "back")

28 December 2006

Already Under Copyright

Is there anyone else that reads Blogger TOS (that's Terms Of Service for the acronym challenged)

I don't understand why people need to write that their blog, hosted at Blogger.com is under copyright. It's already under copyright when you publish it so placing a widget, comment, button or post a complaint about copyright protection is just repetitive and redundant.

It also states the same thing over again. 

Here is what Blogger TOS has to say:

6a. CONTENT OWNERSHIP Unless stated otherwise for specific services, Member will retain copyright ownership and all related rights for information he or she publishes through Blogger or otherwise enters into Blogger-related services.

Write, post and rest in copyright protection peace.

If you want to allow certain uses of your blog, or display copyrights, then check out Creative Commons. They provide customized licenses for those dotcom-ers, too.

~Bee says TOS, BRB, ICU, PDQ

27 December 2006

Christmas Dinner

My lower back decided to go out before Christmas. I know, fun, right?

This is about as much fun as debating politics but with less POTUS hate and more pain killers involved. I will get my grove back but I'll be a slow mover for a while.

Hey, Mr. Roboto called and wants his parachute pants back.

Christmas dinner was fabulous. Aside from the odd fact that my Dad, sitting a mere two seats away, missed my step mom turning from gray to shades of dusky blue from lack of oxygen. She's okay, now.

A cherry tomato skin going down the wrong pipe. Everyone else noticed her peril, including my uncle who is a doctor

Most everyone at the table sprang into action. My uncle performed the Heimlich several times over while everyone looked on in shock. Mr. Coffee was poised ready bolt and take her to the ER. Grandma looked anxiously on. My aunt was out of her seat and running to the phone. The kids and my sisters, shocked, motionless, not knowing what to do.

And then there was my Dad, quite obliviously eating from his plate.

The stuffing could not have been that good. 29 years of marriage competing with stuffing? I don't think so.

I was really scared hearing my uncle telling his wife in his calm doctor voice to call 911 after a third and fourth attempt to dislodge the object. They must teach this exact calm tone in Medical School because I have rarely heard it used and when I do, it's solely by doctors.

I watch Scrubs and Grey's Anatomy.

It was only after my step mom dislodged it, and could breathe that we managed to be able to take our fingernails out of the dining room table. She even joked, "At least I didn't catch myself on fire!". That one was a couple years ago, also Christmas Day.

I had my laugh but I have to say in my Dad's defense, (love you Dad!) he told my sister later that he didn't know what was happening until well into the ordeal. I know he can't hear as well as he used to with the ringing in his ears.

So, it can be explained, but it paints one memorable Christmas dinner that turned out more Peg Bundy than Norman Rockwell.

I just have to get that stuffing recipe from my Aunt. It must be pretty darn good.

~Bee says pass the gravy

26 December 2006


I dedicate this to my two sisters who I saw on Christmas Day. May this coming year be a wonderful time of learning how to let live, love and respect. I love you unconditionally.

I Promise You

I promise not to mother you even being the oldest.

I promise you that I will probably say something stupid to you in our lifetime.

I promise you that I will always do what I can to make it better.

I promise to look at you as the adult you are.

I promise to treat you as I would like to be treated back.

I promise to come to you if you have hurt me.

I promise to make good memories together.

I promise to respond and not react (aka, bossy bob).

I promise to show God's love in how I respond.

I promise to listen and not try to fix it.

I promise to give you respect as a person who can make her own choices.

I promise to let you grow at your own pace.

I promise that if you ask my honest opinion, I will use grace.

I promise that there will be times that I am unable to respond solely because I know myself.

I promise that I will be your biggest cheerleader.

I promise to be a sister you are proud of.

I promise to keep loving you as I always have.

23 December 2006

merry christmas

See you after the holiday!

19 December 2006

words of wisdom

Jumping out of bed to a barfing toddler is no way to start a day.

Pot of coffee? Yes.

My radio gently singing in my ear? Can do.

Kisses from Mr. Coffee? Absolutely.

But not technicolor yawns from the baby girl.

This week, the kids have, one by one, gone down for the count. So, it's true: The family that plays together gets sick and curses the fact that we have one bathroom...together. On the other hand, Mr. Coffee and I have successfully avoided it, like...well...the plague.

Over a year ago, we pulled the carpet out of our house due to mold issues & allergies (thank you Amateur Carpet Cleaner Bob who SOAKED my living room carpet in an attempt to swirl the dirt around clean my carpets). Now with 75% of my house being carpet free, why did my toddler have to find the bedroom carpet? I think I despise that Murphy guy.

Murphy's Law has some great advice, words to live by. So, last night while the kids attacked the $20 - gorgeous - aromatic - 7ft tree-because - we - live - in - WA - State with lights and ornaments, we decided to make up or remember some good words to live by. The winners are here:

Never roll in honey and run through a pack of wild bears.

Never bring your friend Johnny Walker to an AA Christmas Banquet.

Never eat prunes when you are famished.

Always wear clean underwear when you get hit by a Bradley Pie Truck.

Never bathe with a plugged in toaster.

Never mix gun powder and alcohol. Tastes terrible.

Never swim with an open wound in a pool of sharks.

Never eat cheetos and five oreo cookies before a dental appointment

Avoid asking your hostess in a loud voice if 'those are real?'

Never ask Britney's stylist to dress you.

Refrain from asking a policeman where "the underage kegger" is.

Never wear stilettos jogging. (That goes for the ladies, too)

Avoid driving your Hummer to a Green Peace convention.

Never bring a pork appetizer to a bar mitzvah.

Never wear a Borat speedo to church.

Never eat All Bran cereal before a long car ride.

Don't bring your daycare to an antique china mall.

last but not least (and no joking here)

Never drink and drive.

Be safe. Be well. Merry Christmas!

16 December 2006

closet foodie

I posted this last year. I have been busy, but my readers deserve the best, even if it's recycled.

I hate to admit it. It's a little embarrassing. I have got to fess up.

I am a closet foodie.

Not any ordinary food. It's weird food. Weird, gross and unhealthy food. The food you love to eat in the solitude of your own kitchen, never in public. You know, the food that you wouldn't offer at one of your dinner parties? It's the junk you would never in a thousand years admit to liking, let alone be seen buying it.

You know full well what I am talking about.

I have this odd habit of hiding food in my cart when I go to the grocery. Spam at the bottom, veggies in the seat in full view. Unless it's Wild Oats, there you show off everything you buy. Just being there says 'healthy woman here who WILL fight you for the last box of organic prunes'.

Habitually, I go to a grocery store, pick out what I want and unassumingly place it in the cart. In rare cases, I hope no one notices by quickly putting the Special K cereal box on top of it. This is the real reason I buy Special K. It has nothing to do with a healthier choice or losing weight or even their 22 vitamins and minerals I will get by consuming large quantities of their wonder breakfast. Special K boxes can hide half a cart! For instance, these are some of the foods you will never get me to admit that I sometimes eat. You will never see me buy these either, because I don't (as far as you know):

Anything that comes out of its packaging that is still in it's original square form of mystery meat is usually not a good sign. It's the dog food smell with the large layer of gelatinous goo on top that makes this taste as good as it really is. Pan heated is best. Good to the last extra lb that will appear on your "six-pack soon to be one-pack" the next day.

Is it cheese or is it something else? Come on people, government cheese. Squirted out of a can. WD-40 comes this way too, but you won't see me eating that with summer sausage and Ritz crackers. If good milk comes from happy cows, then does Cheese Whiz comes from freaked out cows? Just checking.

Cheeto powder, when wet, turns into dog poo: sticky and it ends up everywhere. You cannot, aside from sandblasting and long soaks in lye, successfully remove this bright orange residue from your fingers or fingernails. Day old Cheetos are worse in the stain department but taste far better because they are chewy. hmmm, chewy.

If I actually find the Hostess warehouse that has been holding these babies since the Great Depression I might just uncover the Ark of the Covenant, too. Twinkies being made today, well, their shelf life is approximately 2715 AD. Look on the bright side, maybe I will live long with all the preservatives.

A delectable mixture of every condiment in one little bottle. I do know it's part pickle, part mayo and possibly part Soylent Green.

Raise your hand if you have recently brushed your teeth with dirt. Anyone? Anyone? We all know nothing says 'You look Hot!' more than coffee bean debris stuck in your pearly whites. Paris says, Coffee bean teeth? THAT'S HOT!

I hate these. They taste like lard cake icing and almost give me sugar coma. I eat them anyway, because it's Fall tradition. How weird is that?

Last but not least,

Living an couple hours away from the Tillamook Cheese factory is a blessed thing. I love getting free samples of cheese curds. They are so wonderfully creamy and tasty. But I'll admit, just saying the word 'curd' can make you lose your appetite. Besides, curds look like something you would find in an airplane sick bag. Don't look. Just eat.

So now you have to put back your Special K box for the world to see.

What do you eat and are embarrassed to admit?

10 December 2006

Smell this

Hot Toddy, Fireplace, Rain, Chocolate Chip Cookie. Great smells, but in a fragrance? I can't wait until they have a coffee flavor.

They already have a Play-Doh Limited Edition so it's only a matter of time.

08 December 2006

Things I'm not doing

If you don't see me around much, I'm just busy.

I, however, am not doing the following as far as you know:

*Going to see a Christmas Gospel Choir

*Making prank phone calls

*Whipping up a meal and appetizer's for 30 people

*Stuck under a large heavy object

*Wonder why I haven't gone to church lately

*Stuck under the hood of my van

*Looking for the last Starbucks Christmas Cup Globe

*Ordering Stuff with My Half.com yieldings

*Trying not to make even more family disown me

*Trying not to let people affect me. (oh, yes, that was related)

*Stuck in a good book

*Making killer cheesecake

*Selling my organs on the black market

*Buying kids gifts with new savings account

*Visiting relatives

*Visiting the can (no, not related)

*Reading a book called Snobs (even more not related)

*Dropping off kids at the park

*Going to a Snow Patrol concert

*Wishing I was going to Blue Man Group in Feb

*Stalking a parking space

*Smoking tasty salmon

*Smoking in a hookah lounge

*Listening to new music on my sweet iPod

*Wishing I had time for full-time school

*Wondering if you are sick hearing about it

*Wishing I was in full-time school

*Me wishing I'd quit whining about it

*Baking with the kids

*Baking with Mr. Coffee (no oven involved, wink, wink, nudge, nudge, say no more)

*Wrapping invisible gifts

*Making long lists for my bloggers

*Giving Bloggers something to go to sleep by

*Signing off my blog post

Will be back....

05 December 2006

my treat, far be it

Yesterday, I opened my mailbox and lo and behold!!!! A goodie package from Jenn. Little did I know that finding the perfect kukuruznye palochky would pay forward so generously. She sent some of her hilarious greeting cards she drew, coffee beans, doodle pads and some hilarious gum which you have to see to believe:

Enjoy Spending Time With Your Mother Gum

Juicy Mullet Gum


and some Candy From Strangers

Thank you Jenn!! I thank you from the bottom of my french press!

Speaking of coffee, I just got a gorgeously handcrafted, blue-glazed coffee mug I ordered in the mail from none other than master potter Sarah over at Sarah's Sermons. She makes amazing pottery and doggonit if my camera batteries are dead and needing a charge so the pictures will wait. Far be it for the house to have two working batteries when I need them. Far be it to find the charger when I need it. Far be it to use 'far be it' too many times in one post.

I was tagged for a meme and since I regularly cave to peer pressure and the need to fit in outweighs my reluctance, I therefore must meme. Besides, I was asked by a friend and far be it...oh, you get it.

02 December 2006


Max is 8 today! 

Mr. Coffee bounced on his toes as the doctor delivered our first son and second child. The boy was my easiest, drug-free with only 2 hours of labor and then, 20 minutes of work.  The delivery was so fast, no one got to the hospital in time to greet his cute face, only me and Mr. Coffee. He was came into this world a tad bit overdue, a little over 9lbs with blond hair to boot.

He was a super baby, sleeping through the night by 4 months. We also nicknamed him Baby Hoover, for his eating abilities. That boy could eat like no other. In fact, he can still eat more than a football team.

I think the most amazing thing about Max was the fact that he didn't talk but a few words until he was 3½, then it all came out in full sentences. He's a thinker, loves Star Wars and entomology (bugs!).

Contemplating always, figuring, and theorizing. He was reading by the time he was 4 and tested the highest score ever in school district history for reading comp and speed as a first grader. Even now, my little etymologist is in 2nd grade and trying to explain to me the concept of centrifugal force.

He comes off with these ideas that surprise me or just plain crack me up, "I rest my case" and my favorite "Why can't I make a Star Wars land speeder?" My answer is the usual, "You just can't. Now, go help Jaina with her long division."

I've been blessed by his 8 little years. Here is to many, many more...