24 February 2007

Gnome More Yard Decor

You know you are getting older when these start to look like a cute idea for your yard.

Well, aren't they kinda cute? or psycho?

At least I'm not looking at those granny fanny wooden lawn cutouts. My only worry is that one of these little bearded dudes might disappear from my lawn for a few weeks. They have been known to travel.

The gnomes remind me of the Freaky Deaky Burger King Dude. BK Dude has a huge head, looking glazed over, grinning in tights and that's supposed to make me hungry?

Burger King Dude is right up there with Quaker Oats Dude. In the commercial he's being wheeled around while humming some weird tune. He stands completely motionless, poised with a smile, holding a pipping hot bowl of oatmeal. Kids dance around him on a gigantic soccer field as his flowy white hair stays cemented in the breeze. Are we trying to tell our kids to take crack?

Naturally, this makes me think of breakfast.

It would be safe to say, the gnomes are just like those two, except...not sitting in bed looking like an Out Magazine cover, while eating BK sandwiches.

Who makes takes these photos anyway?

21 February 2007

At least I didn't get strip searched

Just a friendly reminder: If you came over from the old blogger to the New Blogger, make sure you double check your profile, if you want your email displayed. (It gets removed automatically in the transfer).

Today was a day like any other day, except with lots of barfing and being informed two school lunch tickets needed renewing. Oh, and a negative balance in my bank account. I'm pretty sure my bank wants to own my soul..automatic withdrawal issues are killing me.

I'm now sleep-deprived, staying up too late despite the sick bugs lingering at our house. I have taken to wielding my wicked pen. Millions await me as I am writing for Helium and Epinions. Okay, not millions, but if it pays for my light bill every month? Covers my coffee habit? It's not much, but it's something.

I was talking with a friend this morning and she told me she was having white coffee. I did not know there was such a thing? What ant hill have I been living under?

I've been looking for part-time work as I've said over and over and over. I did happen to score an interview, though. It was a couple weeks back for a travel agency in Portland and never heard back after the interview. Does this happen often? It's so entirely unprofessional. I hand over enough material that would keep an identity theft ring supplied for months and I don't even get a call. I don't even get a note saying "You weren't the best, but you did stink less than the majority. Better luck next time."

The process just to get an interview alone should earn me the Presidential Medal of Freedom. I'm answering questions that make the Spanish Inquisition cringe:

"If you find you are under stress at work, do you?:

a) Always use the loudest office shredder when your co-workers are on the phone and forward all SPAM and junk mail.

b) Email your office with a nuclear threat.

c) Quit and sue the employer after shaving your head.

d) Work harder as a team player cause everyone needs to work together. Learn the words to Kumbaya.

e) Ignore the problems until they build up and make you go to the employee parking and scratch 'Hitler' into your bosses Mercedes.

After the 120 questions you finally get your interview. I won't go over the gory details, I would safely say this was my worst interview EVER. Okay, okay, I'll spill it.

I ended up 20 minutes late due to the bridge being up, in flip flops rather than my previously worn dress shoes full of child's sick. I was not prepared for the geography test and application I 'wasn't needing to fill out'. What I did need was answers to their questions to solve their own Human Resources non-existent nepotism policy (as I was referred to the job by an employee / family member). I proceed out to my van. In flip-flops. Guess what I get? A $24 parking ticket on my windshield for being over by two minutes. I think it was a sign to say no even if they offered it to me.

16 February 2007

Roses are red

Roses are Red
Gin is sloe
Doozie runs so fast
gonna be a po-po*

Roses are Red
drive-thru speaker say's 'sup
'Raspberry' their camera
There's spit in my cup

Roses are Red
Uniforms are Blue
she'll still have great hair
when she's arresting you

Roses are Red
Perps in the mud
Swing that baton
It makes a big thud

I wrote these above for a fellow blogger's quest for government employment, but I have a few more....

Roses are Red
Love my coffee IV
It will be near tomorrow
Before I need the potty

Roses are red
Water is shocking
From windshield to face
my children were gawking

Roses are red
Violets are fine
there's so much adventure
when you're Emmaline

Roses are red
Drive like a bat
how can you not
when your car is so phat?

Roses are red
leave in comments, so true
your finest poem
now you're a dork too!

**Disclaimer: I have very good friends and blog buds in law enforcement and mean no disrespect. I even bought them donuts to get back in their good graces. (hey, you like maple bars or jelly filled?)

look into my eyes, you are feeling sleepy...

A favorite blogger of mine, cycling enthusiast, computer aficionado, and fellow Monty Python fan is doing something fabulous.

Swing by and help him out with his cycling endeavor to benefit finding an MS cure.

This is truly a good thing!!


14 February 2007

Toto, there is no place like a mosh pit

I have been asked to produce my ugliest shoes. I don't own ugly shoes, but I do own outrageous shoes that have appeared on the blog before. I'm a thrower and have only on two occasions (curtain rod and picture frame), tasted the bitter regret of my natural born tendency to provide the dump and Salvation Army, respectively, with a constant stream of goods. Clutter makes me batty.

Notice the fur covers the outside of the sole. Even with the platform aspect, they are amazingly comfy and are fun with boot-cut jeans. I'm only like, 6ft 3 when I wear these.

12 February 2007

Emmaline the Secret Agent

Once upon a time there was a secret agent. This secret agent looked like every other PTA mom. Golden-brown, coiffed hair with flipped ends properly accentuated her gorgeously plucked brows. Emma was a pro at carrying on this Stay At Home Mom charade. She lived in the deep cover of suburbia while her neighbors hurled insulting names..like, "The Clampetts," unintentionally revealed through the big mouths of their curly-haired offspring. So classy.

This modern day wonder woman drove a minivan. She watched Oprah and ate too many bon bons. She blogged and raised her children surviving solely on a diet of mac an cheese, top ramen and double grande lattes.

(that's skinny....no foam)

No one dare believe that underneath that calico shift and Aunt Jemima Gone-SuperBowl-Prince 'Do rag, she held a dark secret. She was glowing, butt white with way too many freckles. But an even darker secret? She was a government agent. A computer forensics geek, code name...[pause for dramatic effect] Emmaline.


Emmaline was an agent everyone envied. Her cunning, her guise, her ability to hold her bladder for 5 hours straight after two pots of coffee..it left everyone in awe. Her fellow agents were always careful not blow her cover, but would support her sham of time-well spent by blogging in a similar fashion.

Blogs with the name Gobhole Girl and Auntie Jo and an occasional Dapoppins would come out of the blogosphere. There were many others that she would include in her blog roll, being careful never to reveal that "Ubermom" to her really meant someone was just speaking Germanglish, which is a little like Spanglish, but only German...and English. Besides, Engman sounds really dumb and people won't know what the heck I'm talking about unless they're referring to that big Germanesque snowy mountain ride at Disneyland I've always known as the "Splatterhorn". It's also science and centrifugal force. Who knew sick could fly so far in the dark?

Okay, what was I saying? Emmaline...

Who knew Emmaline worked for the government? Who knew she alone possessed the skill to drink a grande latte in 22.4 seconds with only 3rd degree burns? Who knew that she could google someone and know what brand toilet paper they used and how big their double wide actually was? Emmaline was the pinnacle perfect example for researchers everywhere, to the point where she could zero in on a dog flea living in the covert cowtown of Deary, Idaho. The same small town that gained fame in the early 1970s as the film location of Deliverance.

Emmaline had the best of both lives. She bloomed in her marriage with Mr. Coffee. (Mr. Coffee being her husband because frankly, her arms would get tired from carrying a coffee pot around and would end up spilling a lot). She was an expert at making chicken cordon bleu while drinking Hogue Late Harvest Riesling and rocking out with her nano to the Fratelli's song she heard on the newest iPod commercial. She also knew her only-slightly scalded esophagus and stellar research skills could not go unused. So in her double agent ways, her fondness grew for her blogger buds, including the ones with great hair and fashionable Cole Haan dress shoes.

She can never go back to the way things were nor would she want to. Her old job as an insurance agent was kid's play. The life of a government agent was entirely more fun. Just too much fun.

The End.

11 February 2007

ms. happy where I am

I need to expound on the married/single subject since my last post had, in content and length, turned into the Declaration of Independence. Get it independence?


(Alrightee then)

My point in the last post was more BE CONTENT WHERE YOU ARE AT! Even those that share my same faith can understand that even the Apostle Paul wrote that if you can, be as I am! If you cannot, then marry. (I Cor 7:8-9, The New Emma Translation). It's pretty cut and dry.

My frustration in this article was solely that the author wrote to singles, passing herself off as an expert on relationships..including plugging her own book. Um, yeah. That's unbiased.

I know so many amazing singles who have no inclination at this time in their life to get into a relationship, let alone have children. This does not make them selfish or self-seeking. YWAM, Doctor's Without Borders, Red Cross Relief, even those who are still building homes for Katrina victims are organizations filled with singles with no other responsibilities to contend with, allowing them to give to others freely.

There are also people who enjoy being single, having a white couch in a high rise condo and time to kill on Valentine's Day. Is that wrong? Absolutely not. When I was single, I drew my value and happiness from my faith and was content where I was. Did I have more time? Did I have more money? Sure, but when someone did come along, he was just gravy, baby. Icing on the cake.

Oprah once had Lance Armstrong's ex-wife on her show speaking of how she "lost herself" to her husband, changing into what she should be for him, emulating the 'perfect wife'. He didn't make her do this, SO why did she? My answer is the woman made someone else the source of her happiness. A woman's life can't be her husband (or her kids, but that is another post entirely). My point is that if you make your dearest love the source of your happiness, you shouldn't ever be in a relationship. People are human and sooner or later your Knight in Shining Armor will need you to scoop poop and clean up after his valiant steed.

So to have a fulfilling life, one of productivity and joy, my answer is simply be happy where you are. You will never go wrong.

09 February 2007

10 reasons to be single..or not?

This is long, but I'll be back next week!! Enjoy.

A fellow blogger had
a fabulously insightful post this week about this very question that appeared in an article called "Are you Better Off Single" at the MSN's Dating and Singles site.

I have to quote the magnum cum laudey daudey expert on-site psychologist, Dr. Badoozer, "It should really read, 'Are You Better Off Where You Are'?"

There are really pros and cons to being single/married. What the author assumes is that marriage is a dull road and singles have it all and without kids. So, in all ridiculousness, I'm rebutting this for singles and marrieds everywhere.

Reason #1: You have a better body.

“Singles look at themselves through the eyes of others and want to be attractive to potential partners,” says Susan Davis, Ph.D., a clinical psychologist in New York City.

Since it's well-documented only single people exercise, eat well and can build muscle, I should just give up now. Well-groomed married folks with chiseled bodies are so 1950s. It's also wonderful to know Susan Davis, PhD, a clinical psychologist in New York City, predestined me to throw out my treadmill, embrace my cellulite and scarf all the ice cream a girl can eat. Why resist?

Reason #2: You’re more likely to achieve great things.

"Researchers theorize that men, in general, may show off their talents to win the interest of women and then, once they’ve won a wife, get comfortable and do less. In fact, studies have shown that testosterone levels, which boost action, decrease after a man gets married and has children."

Back up the Ghandimobile, let's theorize because solid statistics are so, indisputable. I theorize that researchers don't know squat and make up, like 68.347 percent of their statistics on the spot.

Who doesn't show their best side to someone new and as for testosterone levels? They do subside in a married man. The thought of paying for one more child's upbringing and education slowly degrades the male body to complete sterilization over the years. It's natural selection. Pure science, baby. But show me a man or woman who is a great parent and you will have shown me a person who has done the greatest thing possible, raise a life. Oprah agrees with me, too, so it must be true.

Reason #3: You do less housework.

I can't argue. I have four kids. I'm doing my fifth load of laundry today and have picked up more legos than toddlers running around in a Chuck E. Cheese on free token night. But if I have the flu, Mr. Coffee dons his manly kitchen apron and does dishes for me. YEAAAAH??? So who's your housekeeper now, MSN SingleBob DatingPants?!

Reason #4: You can do what you want with your money—including keep it.

"According to researchers at Ohio State University’s Center for Human Resource Research, during a divorce, men and women generally lose three-fourths of their personal net worth. Double ouch."

Someone at Ohio State is not doing their homework. I've sat in enough Math classes to know that if they both lose 3/4 then I should forget my relationship status and marry a divorce lawyer. He's raking in the bucks. Sure I'm broke, but when I'm touring in my Winnebago with my blue hair and a wrinkled Mr. Coffee at my side, darn-straight I'll be sporting this bumper sticker, "SPENDING MY CHILDREN'S INHERITANCE". I might even buy a Lady of Guadalupe Costco casket, cause you can't take it with you. Besides, the blue will match my hair.

Reason #5: You have better sex.

Sadly, if you only knew how wrong the Author is here. I have part rabbit DNA and I can only speak from my own experience. Practice makes perfect and if you are sharing yourself with someone you trust, love, adore and are spending your entire life with, the marrieds win this hands down. I will give props to Jeff Foxworthy though, who is absolutely quotable:

So there I was, tied up to 'er bed.
Motor oil smeared all over my body.
She walks in carrying a saddle and a set of jumper cables......

As opposed to the married guys story of...

The other night, Marge was vacuuming in her good robe.
She bent down to get under the couch and
I thought, "Heck, I can watch Bonanza anytime!"

Reason #6: You’re better rested and smarter.

It's true. Spouses snore, kids need you. Sleep becomes a commodity. As for who is smarter, I would say either/or, that's the stupidest comment I've ever heard. Have you ever watched Elimidate? The Bachelor? Married couples Survivor? You could take coma-inducing amounts of Lunesta and still not induce enough sleep to grow them grey matter.

Reason #7: You’re less depressed.

I don't know what cereal box the author is reading from but the National Institute of Mental Health (NIMH) disagrees as do many others.

Reason #8: You have better friendships.

To be married doesn't mean my spouse is my life. He doesn't complete it, he compliments it. As for my friends, I spend less time in person, but I'm still blogging and on the phone with them while folding laundry (see Reason #3). Makes me appreciate the time we do spend together.

Reason #9: Your travel tales are enviable.

Yes, it's true. I couldn't backpack Europe with four kids. I can't take a year off work to sail around the world. I'll give them that one. Try doing a Walmart run with four kids, a household with diarrhea, and no toilet paper, then I'll give you adventure.

Reason #10: You know yourself—and what you want out of a relationship.

“But maturity brings so much, because if you’re able to communicate who you are and what you want, the better your chances of having a successful marriage.” And that’s a wonderful message: Your single self is great... and should you find the right person and decide to marry, you’re more likely to thrive in that stage of your life, too.

This lady is sniffing the condo paint. Who says someone single needs another person to live a fulfilling life? It should be about where you are happy, without society telling you what is best for you (including condo-paint-sniffing writers for MSN).