31 December 2007

Beatrice's New Years Party

For those of you who have not read of Beatrice, she is my evil twin, with hair just as nice. Her exploits are legendary having once lived as a secret agent and can sniper fleas off a camel. She is fluent in 9 different languages, can find anyone in the world, and continues to live life on the edge of her secret agent glory days. Her biography is eerily similar to mine. Although, as far as you know, we really are two different people.

Her adventures are mind-blowing and unequaled.

Beatrice glanced in the oven at the mini quiche that were browning to perfection in neat little rows. She could probably see more through the tiny glass window had it not been covered by Mrs. Paul's Fish Stick grease. The black flecks on the glass obscured her view, otherwise known as remnants of that little fire from Christmas dinner last year.

"Must get some oven degreaser", she made a mental note and added out loud, in German no less, "...and need to look into a new recipe for Oven Chicken Flambe ."

Her company would be here soon and she wanted the smell to hit them at the door. Not the usual smell of gym shoes or sweaty boys who need a bath. Not even the rotten liquid broccoli she had extracted from the fridge this morning that would not release it's odoriferous clutches from her nostrils.

She hoped for a tantalizing cheese and veggie quiche aroma emanating from her government-funded, bakes-in-2 minutes, experimental oven. This time, she went wild almost like that time she took out four ninjas in one dramatic roundhouse kick. She waived away the margarine and grabbed real butter. She passed up the organic brown eggs and went for the bleachy white, 1.39 a dozen AA eggs. This was life on the edge.

Would she go all the way? Oh, yes. She was having a throw down with her pantry that could have easily strike fear into Martha Stewart.

Beatrice added extra gluten. She lived and cooked on the edge, flirting with the bad boy of all things foodie, standing on the precipice of taste. bud. overload. Beatrice arose  from the cloud of smoke pouring from the kitchen like a victorious beast. Actually, it was more like a yeast filled donut but with too many yeast packets.

Armed with Betty Crocker cookbook in one hand and a Pamper Chef Ultimate Mandolin Slicer Dicer in the other, her heart couldn't help but relish every gluten-filled minute of it.

Beatrice wielded her Cracker and Canned Cheese Platter that always seemed to win over the masses. Usually this was reserved for her family and occasionally around her husband, Mr. Toffee who admittedly would rather just have Beatrice's signature pot roast with lots of soft baby carrots, and red potatoes.

NOOOO, this New Years she went all out. Beatrice was using the china given to her by a very much alive Queen Elizabeth. A special thanks to Beatrice for saving her life, not once, but twice. The Cheese Platter must come, too.

The bare bones of the matter was that Secret Agent Beatrice's stint as a bodyguard-gone-undercover gourmet chef during Operation Cheesy Chef gave her amazing skills even the pickiest eaters might enjoy, that is...if they weren't so picky. It was only after her assignment in France protecting State Secret Ingredients of Government Cheese that she could make something so good and tasty. So tasty, you could almost eat it.

The timer let out a buzz, startling Beatrice who was deep in thought over the time she shopped for bombs in Paris. How much simpler life was then? Beatrice turned off the buzzer and nearly dropped her new Bialetti espresso maker. Not a drop was spilled, ready for creamer to be added. Creamer was best from Discount Price Hut Warehouse in the 40 gallon drum but that was top secret even under pain of waterboarding.

This year she skipped that sale on Salisbury Steak Hungry Man dinner appetizers. She even passed the frozen isle with the mini quiche and mini hot dog pups. She set down the box of wine and made mental notes....

Vanilla Hazelnut Mint Gingerbread Eggnog Creamer ...check.
Cracker and Canned Cheese Platter ....check.
Hot government cheese fondue on the stove ...check.
Pillsbury Dough Bread bowls scooped ...check.
Quiche baked ...check.
Box of Walmart wine chilled ...check.
Diet Cherry Coke Plus (Vitamins and Minerals) on ice ...check.
Ensure Drink, in cans also on ice ...check.
Little Smokies in BBQ sauce on toothpicks ...check.
Pork Rinds ...check
Flaming Hot Sour Cream BBQ Diet Pringles ...check
Venison Slim Jims, all in bowls ...check.

Timing could not have been more perfect unless someone brought the flu plague.

Swallowing her daily and much needed Super Fiber Blaster capsules with a swig of jet black coffee, Beatrice reminded herself to not eat so much cheese this time. She also reminded herself about her wonderful year. Who wouldn't proclaim her turkey at Thanksgiving had been a hit? It always turned out like the cover of a Good Housekeeping, except with less half the grease coating. Oh, and it was deelish.

Her mind wandered as she absent-mindedly flexed her toned biceps while stirring her favorite side dish. "Peas, Jello, and Cool Whip Salad go with everything, " she chided herself with a smile.

The door bell rang.

Beatrice smoothed out her vintage apron that wasn't really vintage but made in a third world country to look almost vintage. She quickly checked the hall mirror to see if her recently low-lighted hair wasn't fading. Her new red up do' gave the illusion of a competent cook. Yet, she hoped it portrayed the young, stylish, sensible, drop-dead-sexy woman with the best looking hair ever.

She smiled as she reached for the front door handle and opened it. A smile emerged from her perfectly whitened teeth. New Years Party was on. It was so on.

PS. Happy New Year ALL!! Be safe, DON'T DRINK AND DRIVE or I will scissor kick your head.

29 December 2007

Potty Talk

I've been meaning to mention that my kids are bloggers now. The two oldest love to write and after setting up almost everything for him, I caught Game Cubist attempting to pick out a URL.

I caught him laughing to see if a blogspot address was taken. The following ones apparently are available:


I come over to the computer screen, wondering about the suspicious peals of laughter. I go deadpan and type in my pick:


and ironically,

PottyTalkGetsYouSentToYourRoom.blogspot was available. He wisely picked another.

~Bee kids a bloggin'

24 December 2007

Merry Christmas!

I wish these carolers came to MY house..hehe.

22 December 2007

Many Bothans Died To Bring You This Post

Back from hiatus already. You thought I could stay away?


I took a break in the routine and I'll be back on the 31st. This break has reluctantly forced me to see there are things I've been grossly neglecting.

It's easy to do my work and intermittently blog throughout the day. But in the evenings I need time with family, finishing my sewing projects, or file away my File Pile that is overtaking my desk. There are kids to parent, movies to see, other bloggers I haven't read in a while, books, hanging out with friends, or my favorite pastime spent curled up with a book and a bottle of Tequila glass of Riesling.

I was Hmmmm, last night dear Mother.... (name that movie!)

I could go on and on about this wondrous blogland until you glaze over reading this post, die of boredom, and the police find you days later after the neighbor complains.

I'll spare you...and your neighbor.

Nothing makes me crazier than making a friend online, and then one day without warning, they decide to close their blog because they are busy. Like they have a life or something...pfft.

I admittedly write online and blog for relationships. I don't have too many local friends. Most think I'm too forthright. I say something and they think it has some hidden meaning.

Some bloggers go to 'private' blogs or have stalking issues, I completely understand. But this is more about blogs I faithfully read, and care about the friendship. One day they disappear forever, the 'friend' never to be heard from again, leaving behind an old profile and a blogger address soon to be scooped up by ad spammers.

Well, nice knowing you, you non-blogging, bucket of boogers. Thanks for your friendship. Fine, you are SO off my blogroll. I'm not wearing this BFF ink forever, you know.

*I* wouldn't disappear in a million years. Who would fill your nostrils with milk and contribute to your eyeball rolling exercises? I cannot leave this up to just anyone.

I struggle with time-management and although I declare myself a non-descript humor blog, I am a blogger who is also a mother. I'm married to Mr Coffee, which therefore makes me responsible for all pampering , feeding, cleaning, and back rubbing.

And submitting in a subservient manner.

hahaha, no, stop. my side.....hahaha......

I am also responsible for a few cherub-faced children.

Do you care, for instance, how many loads of laundry I do every single day (read: seven or eight).

Do you care how many seconds I must stand there in front of a stove to produce dinner?

Where this may not prove to be exciting blog fodder, I might......no, not even then.

I've thought long and hard, and I will be slowing down a bit with a once a week post. This, I can do and this keeps me from becoming the non-blogging bucket of boogers I despise so.

Have a very Merry Christmas.

~Bee says many Bothans died to bring you this information.

17 December 2007

Week In Review

This week was so entirely random. I am thankful for this weekend, a welcome change for a homebody like me.

  • Work on template and end all endeavors by wailing head on keyboard in frustration.
  • Publicize my other blog revealing to myself how anal retentive I really am.

  • Grocery shop with four year old daughter to prepare for impending Bakeapalooza at LoveyH's house. Decide that a baby goat would do less damage and not eat as much as the girl.
  • Folded laundry, laughed at news, and watched Grey's Anatomy. Nothing like a productive stint in front of the b00b tube.

  • Grocery shop again for things forgotten like toilet paper and milk. Become informed by four year old that "John Desh" says on the radio that baby bottoms go in the top of the cart and yucky germs are there, so all food must go into the big part of the cart. Practical advice and I will never again place produce in the top of the basket. ewwwww.
  • Nearly donate my front fender to minivan that cuts me off in traffic. I swear to you I am an idiot driver magnet. I couldn't help but shake my head and laugh reading her personalized license plate, "Keep Our Children Safe". Just say no to child abuse but kill them dead in a fit of road rage, lady.
  • Try finishing template. Repeat head banging on keyboard, permanently wedging the "B" key in my forehead. B stands for Brain Dead, Bollocks, Blowup, Brow Beat, Bruise, Black and Blue....

  • Watch Bourne Ultimatum. Better than the second and great show....left it open for #4.
  • Threaten computer to scrapyard over lost graphic files. Wonder if I will get this Christmas template done before Christmas.
  • Laugh that my blog ads advertising The G0lden C0mpass, my favorite movie EVER!!! NOT. At least it was better than the time I mentioned a Subaru Impreza and the ads asked, "Is Your Auto Gay Friendly?" I did not know my vehicle, or any vehicle for that matter, was prone to a specific gender. Is there a market for straight cars now? This sounds like auto discrimination to me.

  • Brain needing roto rooter but manage to finish template to requested specs. It's bright, happy, festive, outgoing, and it's just like Flip Flop Momma's personality. She loves it. WOOHOO. Still attempting to dislodge my "B" key from my forehead.
  • Read for a whole hour.
  • Mr Coffee manages to break a 1940s era piece of English Johnson Brothers Chippendale green and white transferware. I turn the corner, see him looking pasty white while staring at shards on the floor. I immediately felt sick to my stomach. Translation: He feels like crap and I end up nearly crying over a $60 antique piece of china.

  • Sleep in. Be useless all morning while drinking coffee and playing with kids in sweats.
  • Blog and answer mail.
  • Make more Muddy Buddies (from back of Chex cereal box)
  • Watch another episode of Jeeves and Wooster.
  • Get to bed early after 10 chapters of reading.
These are just highlights, with the best parts left out, like the 30 miles of carpooling I do every day and getting a book I ordered from inter library loan sent to me. I hope to do some genealogy work while the kids are home next week.

Last, Mr Coffee has an job opportunity that is a change and a bit scary to step out in. I hope it goes well, but more on that after the New Year.

16 December 2007

But It's Just A Thin Mint

I was invited this year to Bakeapalooza. I thought it was a joke at first but found out it was a yearly baking party bonanza. Some events chronicled below, may or may not be completely fabricated. Or not.

I manage show up to show up 30 minutes late with Lolo and coffee in hand. I forgot all my baking supplies packed neatly and ready to go, right next to my fridge. Duh.

I was going to try my hand at fudge but fate was against me when I had hair to curl and makeup to put on. Oh, and a barfing neighbor girl, but I digress...

I did meet LoveyH and Fooferoo. I also caught up with Avery "I Don't Bake But I Happen To Make Killer Oatmeal Butterscotch Cookies" Gray. There were 6 kids between us which made for a merry house. The kiddies went about their playing and rough-housing while us womenfolk played bakery all morning and half the afternoon.

Avery immediately declared herself inept at baking ~cough, whatever, cough, cough~ as she began tearing down recipes.

Whipping, mixing, spatulizing, measuring, sifting, and baking like a Julia Child Eat-My-Frosting.

Avery and I always make each other crack up until we are snorting. We shared the merits of buying cookies at Safeway and discussed in length why she wore her $4,000 Bergdorf Goodman shirt to bake in. She also cooks in heels and diamonds. June Cleaver would be so proud.

I finally met Avery's son who mutually enjoyed my daughter's company. Lolo, being the four year old sociable tart she is, became enamored by Avery's son, Ethan, to whom she just today declared her future husband. This being possible only if she was willing to recant a previous vow to me about the youngest Dapoppins boy, "I want the little one so we could kiss better". Apparently I need to explain that she is not to be married anytime soon, regardless of her intent to look the boy straight into the eyes before swapping spit.

LoveyH was the perfect Hostess With The Mostest, declaring herself OCD, evident with the most amazingly spotless and beautiful home. She baked like a pro and easily retained her crown for Baking Aficionado Extraordinaire as she whipped out approximately 400 cookies while mopping her ceiling and arranging her color coded pantry by food groups. She only stopped briefly to place flammable objects on the hot stove.

Gee, Do you smell something burning?
The woman has skilz, I'm just saying.....

Fooferoo declared herself very little as the other three of us blabbed loudly about hair, wild escapades of days long gone, collecting dishes, marrying for money, and how I believe Splenda is the devil. Fooferoo appeared the quiet type at first, but it wasn't long before she started table dancing, doing body shots, and belting out Britney's latest ♫ ♪ into spatulas. She also makes the most amazing chocolate peanut butter pretzely things.

Hmm, pretzely things. How I love a good blogger meet.

My only concern is how can I get more BFF names in ink to fit next to my young Elvis tattoo on my backside?(cause old Elvis' muttonchops took up too much room).

14 December 2007

Crazy Eights

I hope you can forgive me for this.

Liberal linking will follow. I can't stop it. I'm attempting to break my linking record for a single post. Hold on tight, I'm also doing a meme and you know it must be good because I don't do memes. Well, not ALL memes, just some.

Thank you for thinking of me, Holly Dolly

8 things I want to do before I die:

1. Go to college and graduate with honors.
This may shock many long time readers because I only express this goal about once a week. College will encourage my brain sponging tendencies and I'll even attempt to outdo Mr. Coffee's Suma Cum Laude honor.

2. To have a best selling book so my children can get a good college education.

3. Travel Europe with Mr. Coffee who has yet to set a toe outside the states.

4. To play violin and well, at that.

5. Watch Baryshnikov dance, live.

6. Learn German

7. Be wealthy enough to fill my philanthropic passions to assist those in need

8. Celebrate my 90th birthday with my family around me.

Now if you aren't sleeping yet, here are another 8 things. Things I say often:

1. Driving: "You're all RETAAAAAAAAAARDED!"

2. "What does whining get you?"
To which the cantankerous child responds on cue, "Nothing."

3. "Is your homework done?"

4. "It's Business Time..."

5. "That's how I roll"

6. "Shuuuutuuuuuup"
in my best Napoleon Dynamite voice

7. "Where is your Happy Shiny People Voice?"

8. "Hello?"
My phone rings 2.6 million times in one hour.

That's probably more than you ever wanted to know about me but up next, the 8 books I have read recently:

1. Persuasion by Jane Austen
This is read at least two to three times a year. How I love Jane...

2. Emotional Intelligence by Daniel Goleman

3. The Kite Runner by Khaled Hosseini

4. The Bible
This publication single-handedly keeps me from being a world class jerk. Aside from common belief, I have never beaten anyone with my Bible.

5. Mommy Doesn't Know My Name along with many other children's publications.

6. Hunting Unicorns by Bella Pollen

7. One Pot Chocolate Desserts
I LOVE this publication.

8. History of Warren County, Iowa
Genealogy is SO fun.

Prop your eyelids because I have 8 more for music.
8 Favorite Albums/Songs :

1. La Champagne by Trentemoller
Happy electronica..great to do housework.

2. The Essential Duke Ellington
There is no other....

3. Bust A Move by Young MC and other 80s dance hits
Two words: Tread. Mill. Two more? I. Despisethatdumbthing.

4. Christmas Cocktails, Vol 2
Mele Kalikimaka anyone?

5. Drop Dead Legs by Van Halen
And you thought David Rose's The Stripper gets you in the mood?

6. Merry, Merry Happy by Kate Nash
Happy happy merry song.

7. Times They Are A Changin' by Bob Dylan
I heard this on a commercial and fell in love with it.

8. OOh, La La by Goldfrapp
Pick up the pace on the Devil's Contraption commonly referred to as the "treadmill"

WAKEY WAKEY, eggs and bakey!! I'm almost done.
Now for the eight things that attract me to my best friends:

1. Straight up honest and don't beat around the bush with passive aggressive foshiznit. Yes, passive aggressive is foshiznit.

2. Emotionally intelligent. Always the sage....

3. We laugh together so much that we wear our pee pants together. Since most of my friends have seen The Ballad of Ricky Bobby at least once, they also know the significance of how incredibly funny pee pants can be.

4. They never attempt to "out do or Penelope" me because friends are not competition, they are companions. I just made that up.

5. They do not care if my house is a wreck or Spotless Like The Flylady Clean.

6. They love me even with my insecurities, my strengths, and even if I have toothpick legs or junk in the trunk..and not to forget the freak of nature hair.

7. Strong women who are not complacent in life to settle in mediocrity.

8. I do not have close male friends because I take Harry's side in when Harry Met Sally. The guy inadvertently ends up hitting on me and Mr. Coffee gets tired of burying bodies out in the wilderness. I can't tell you how many shovels we have lost.

12 December 2007

Why Read When There Is TV?

Yesterday I decided it was time for my kids to own their own library card. I've used mine for years but I think it's good for them to have their own. I've always encouraged my children to read and now that they are past the Toddler Book Shredding stage, I have no fear of inadvertently bankrolling the library's new book department via damage fines. We came, we saw, and sported newly acquired cards held triumphantly in little hands. We left armed with scads of books...no less than 50 books between them. My youngest, now 4, couldn't even carry her bag. I could not be more proud.

Most holiday seasons I typically take up employment at the closest bookstore and bring home my paycheck in book form. Problem solved. Christmas shopping is done and the kids end up with a years worth of reads. Mr. Coffee is the exception with his yearly declaration, "Look what you got me for Christmas!". He is so thoughtful that way.

In the evening, everyone settled in their stories while I folded laundry and watched the news. I don't know why but last night it was particularly humorous. Case in point:

Caught on tape: Couple steals a nearly life-sized nativity scene.
Holy freaking cow. I'd say there are no words...but nothing says Christmas spirit like displaying a stolen nativity scene. Seriously? Who in their right mind steals baby Jesus..its baby JESUS! Can you imagine triumphantly stuffing Mary, Joseph and baby Jesus in the back of a pickup? Would the eyes of baby Jesus follow you around as you guiltily strap him in the back?  

Okay hurry Marge, you grab the wise dudes and I'll get the rest. Did you bring the bungee cords?

Fast Food Chain Puts Limits on Dining Time.
I didn't catch this in it's entirety, but a fast food chain franchise (McDonalds, I think) is putting up a limit for eating in their dining area. Maybe this is to prevent loitering patrons? The food is bad enough for your health, but perhaps with the franchise making you sick from eating too fast will avoid any expensive obesity lawsuits down the road.  

Free barf bags with every child's meal! woo hoo.

The commercials were just as fun.

Now with Granola Bar Seats!
A manufacturer is now marketing a new Wonder Van with pivoting captains chairs in the middle row, naturally in white leather.

White seats? Are you serious? Let's just create a feature of granola bars and cheerios stuffed into the seats and eliminate any foolhardy declarations of "no food in the van" (and broken within 4 weeks).
I was in awe at Wonder Vans pivot and lock feature of the middle chairs, not to mention the odd lack of glowing dash warning lights. Tell me, is this standard? I would love to own this van, simply because the seats are properly pivoted then your children can wail on each other face to face. This feature not only gives ample room for kicking and hitting, but it also leaves none at a disadvantage when spitting and throwing things. As you might well know, fighting from the middle seats while reaching toward the sibling behind you puts you at a great handicap.

I don't know why I even read books when there is laughable TV. Speaking of laundry, I have a mountain of it and a template to finish. I've also been tagged with a very funny meme and I've won awards. More of that on Friday....

03 December 2007

Bowling With Flare or Flair?

I grace you with a little preview of our Sunday. The Bees procured some entertaining family time for my son's birthday. He picked the place, and we all went bowling. It was surprisingly fun, I bowled a 129 but I fear, my right arm is now about 6 feet longer than my left.

Mr. Coffee and my father in law, both having physically demanding jobs, were both able to break the sound barrier. Each time they hurled the ball toward the pins. HURLED, I say, rocketing them to the end. I thought surely the lane would ignite in streaky flames.

Mr. Coffee has also managed a strike in bowling this way. He's done it many times, although, I didn't manage to catch it on film this time around. I also bowled a 129 after 9 years hiatus and luckily showed up 1st after being last the first round. 

The youngest bowled (below) with her little "bowling walker". I like that I sound so retarded when I yell, "GOOD JOB!" at the end. I'm like a freakin Bowling Drill Instructor.


~Bee thinks bowling shoes are HAWT.

01 December 2007

Which Floor For Smoothies?

I don't know about you but this scene at our mall cracked. me. up. (click to enlarge photo).

First off, Shrek does not look in any condition to drive. His hands are nowhere remotely near the steering wheel let alone on it. Is he sleeping? Going heavy on the sauce? Fancying himself a James Bond type but only sounding like a dork as he giggles the phrase, "...and that's Shaken Not Stirred". No more happy hour for him and shame on the mall for letting children witness this. What kind of mall are we running here.

Donkey looks like he has (or will shortly) put a spot on the front seat.  

Oh, holy crap. We are going to die.

Sponge Bob? Well, the Sponge looks like it's his BEST DAY EVER! I think he put up fuzzy dice and turned on Kool and the Gang's "Get Down On It" shortly after I captured this Kodak moment. We know The Sponge has the uber dancing skills as we've witnessed during his jelly fishing excursions.

The complete absence of seat belts was also horrifying. Aside from obvious disregard to their safety and the common mall dweller's well-being, I'd admit that VW bus was screaming for a sweet set of spinners.

It's easy to think they were just driving through the mall to get smoothies but I think it's because they wanted to see the Mall Santa to ask for roached rims for Christmas.

Well? It makes sense.