31 December 2008

New Year Poetry: Roses Are Still Red

Here is to 2009, a poem or two, for you.

Roses are red
Neighbor's party raising hairs
Apartment life endured
With Michael Flatley upstairs

Roses are red
Yearly resolutions
School, house, self
Some Anti-Christ solution

Roses are red
Learn in bounds and leaps
Getting educated
Happily radiate peeps
Roses are red
Books on the table
My college career
Is no longer fable

Roses are red
I don't dare whine
with healthy, happy family
and Mr. Coffee, divine.

Roses are red
Arrive safely home
Don't drink and drive
I'll scissor kick your dome

Happy New Year!

Best wishes to you and yours and may this year be full of blessings, faith, and love.

~Bee will soon party behind her eyelids
Listening to: 1999 by Prince

28 December 2008

Two Thumbs Up Unless You Lied To The Mafia and They Cut One Off

I have a few requests I need to get out of the way.

First, I want to thank those who heard my plea about a friend who needed a place to stay down in So. California. Things will work out. Moral of the story: Nobody owes you a living but when somebody promises it to you and instead doesn't come through and even more so, you discover they do drugs and hope you will join them? You should bash them on the head with a shovel and run for the hills. Or go on Jerry Springer.

If that makes no sense, then consider yourself blessed. I'm so glad we had this talk.

Second, someone asked me if I'd review the new G1 phone. The incomparable author, actor, and comedian, Mr. Stephen Fry did an amazing review here on his website. Mr Fry is on twitter which led me to his review. He compared the G1 to the other big phones on the market (BB Storm, BB Bold). He did an excellent job. I may not do as well.

I stink at reviews and all the technobabble out there therefore, I'll give you my review of the G1 Google Android Phone in layman's terms.

Are you ready? Gird your loins...

The G1 is an open source phone.

G1 is the model.

The phone hardware itself was made by HTC which I've heard make very good phones. As long as I don't get an ear tumor or die from lead cell phone poisoning, I'm happy.

Google is the branding.

T-Mobile is the phone company you need to sign up for to get one of these babies, at least for now.

Android is the open source software. What is open source? Wikipedia states:

"Open source is an approach to design, development, and distribution offering practical accessibility to a product's source (goods and knowledge)."

Basically, if you are a developer you can make applications for the phone and you won't get sued. It also means that many other cell phone providers will most likely be coming out with their version in the Android phone.

Maybe there is more to it than that but I'm speaking layman's terms here and I'm about to blow a gray-matter rod if I go into more detail.

I ordered the brown color because I am sure when Mr Coffee decides to get one, he will want the black. Now they offer this in white. I would have given my right arm for one in red, but they didn't offer one.

The brown is a muddy-brown, flat color that looks cool. This is what counts. The phone is a little longer than an iPhone, but not as wide. I never liked the delicate feel of the iPhone...but I've never liked iPhones anyway. The G1 has a good solid feel and weight in my hand.

When you activate your phone, since the G1 is still exclusively T-Mobile, T-Mobile requires linking to your google accounts (gmail). I changed out my sim card from my RAZR and with a quick call they switched it all over for me right there on the phone.

If you don't have a gmail address, welcome to email heaven because gmail rocks. Once you sign up or use your existing gmail account, it will download your contacts with a simple sync.

You're good to go.

You can get other mail with mail apps. Gmail is fairly easy. Needs a bulk delete function but I digress. The calendar does not work with google's calendar or outlook yet, but it has the alarms and schedules in the calendar, etc..etc.. the usual. I use my calendar a lot.

Contacts also have a place for addresses so you can easily use the touch screen to look up an address, email, phone or send txt message. I love the integration between apps, maps, and contacts. Google Maps is amazing, seeing pictures of a street view right on your phone.

If that makes no sense, go to google maps and look up street view and satellite view. I like looking down on the Eiffel Tower and the Louvre. I'm a map geek like that.

The caller's gmail address can be added to your phone contacts. You can also select a ring tone or picture for your contact. The gmail photo your contact has chosen will automatically display. I think photo id for incoming calls is a universal cell feature for most phones nowadays. The phone has a screen lock and a drag and drop 'desktop' for apps you love.

The screen's orientation adjusts depending on whether or not the key board is popped out/extended. It has a full QWERTY keyboard which is lovely for texting and emailing.

Translation: Regular keyboard but very tiny. Heh, good luck if you have really fat fingers.

I've found the backlit keys a little hard to read sometimes. I do like that it also has a tiny roller ball that clicks for navigating and works along with the touch screen. I have a plastic film over the top of the screen to protect it and the touch screen still responds well. It also allows cut/paste.

I need a fancy schmancy cover for the whole phone.

The G1 phone has a 3.2 megapixel camera. I would like it more if it was able to zoom or had a flash but it takes good pictures. The phone gives the option of viewing or sending the photos via text or gmail. The phone is not video capable although you can watch videos on the youtube app without issue.

The apps I've used regularly are GPS, maps, notepad, imeem, making my own ringtones, mp3 player, Shazaam, and Compare Everywhere.

Since I regularly beat people with my Bible I thought it best to have a translation on my phone that could work in a pinch. I'm even more thankful my phone is durable to administer said beating when I didn't have the good Book on my person..say when I'm clubbing, hiring a hooker, or at the track betting on a horse.

As for other valuable applications, there are new ones coming out daily. There is always an app for that. I'm still finding out new things the phone can do. Lots of applications to be had. I recently downloaded notepad right on my phone.

There is only one small usb-ish outlet for headphones, charger, computer/file transfer, etc. etc... I have yet to buy a bluetooth, but it is bluetooth capable. I can charge the phone completely in one hour and if I don't use the internet or chat a lot, I can have it on standby for several days. It is also Wi-Fi capable, along with the 3g network. This means nothing to me because I'm the equivalent of a Short Bus Student when it comes to all that jargon. I just know that Wi-Fi drains the mother out of my battery, so I usually keep it off. I also keep the auto-sync feature off for gmail, contacts, etc... I hate remembering to charge my battery.

I do love my phone and I'm pretty easy going about things, however....

1) The volume toggle is on the side and I end up bumping it all the time. I get called and I then I can't hear it. The phone doesn't give a "ring w/vibrate" option or even ring settings, just the toggle. Perhaps an app is being made even as we speak. *I've been told there are many apps that take care of ring setting options.

2) My GPS shows that I live on the freeway and yes, I understand this is not a phone issue but a cell provider issue. The GPS will indicate properly once I start driving. No one will visit me on the freeway.

3) It's a single core processor, so no using maps or reading email while talking on the phone. They'll make a more powerful one, I'm sure but for now, I love my phone.

~Bee's got review skilz, yo.
 Listening to: Build Me Up Buttercup by The Foundations

24 December 2008

My Mother Of The Year Nomination Is Revoked


I have really tried this year. I wanted to be Mother of The Year. I was sure to win it only until I got to the part of the competition for Crafty Mom. Dang it.

This winter school break has been fun with all the snow but I wanted something extra fun they could do. Now that I don't have toddlers to keep out of the presents and away from the glass ornaments, I was ready to attempt it.

Holiday Crafts.

I know, me..the woman who attempted sewing vintage aprons and ended up with really big, expensive dish rags.

As for the kids, they are always up for a good craft. Edible crafts are the best and not just the glue. We started with making our own cookie ornaments. It's not difficult to make cookies and with my grasp of things in the kitchen, I felt very brave. I called my friend, Dapoppins, to ask her for her ornament recipe. But since she answers her phone once in a three month period, I thought it best to google the recipe like any smart mother would.

I googled. We crafted. They stuck to the baking tray like Mother Crafting Piece of Junk.

This is the recipe.

Equal parts applesauce and cinnamon.
Add 1 teaspoon of glue for every ½ cup of ingredients.
You can bake them to accelerate the hardening process.

HOW can you mess this up?! Well, you couldn't. I can always find a way.

Once the kids were finished playing with the dough and shapes, we laid them out. I was so proud of us until 3 hrs later, I had to chisel them off the stupid baking tray.

I talked with Dapoppins a day later and she said to leave out the glue. Her ornaments look and smell amazing year after year. Man, I hate her....and I'm saying that with as much love as I can muster with dismembered gingerbread ornaments at the bottom of my garbage can.

Next trip to the grocery and I scored a gingerbread house kit thingie. 75% off should have been a clue to what I'd be buying. The kids were excited at another stab at crafting and I wanted to be able to say I made one craft with the kids.

I needed to bolster my craft cred.

We laughed, sang along to music, and had fun building together. Sadly, our attempts at a gingerbread house looked more like the Gingerbread Man was living in a repo-ed Gingerbread FEMA trailer. Down by the river.

I failed miserably but the kids had fun and that's what Christmas crafts are about. Laughing hysterically at the Partially Dismembered Ornament People living in the Gingerbread Projects.

~Bee wishes you a very Merry Christmas.
Listening to: Song For A Winter's Night by Sarah McLachlan

22 December 2008

If Only

Once upon a time there was a woman who waited until the last minute to go Christmas shopping for her family. When she finally hit the mall there were so many people that she vowed never to do that again and considered going to a wilderness cabin to live out the rest of her days chopping wood and crocheting doilies.

The End.

~Bee is frantically looking for scotch tape.
Listening to:  White Christmas by Someone Very Happy

19 December 2008

What Shapes Us All

Lately, I've plunked down before the computer and stare. I feel if I entertain you with fits of laughter, you'll come back. I think if I can connect to you on a comedic level, you'll like me and tell your friends. You may think I can't write a serious sentence without goofing off. In contrast, I'm more afraid if I write seriously, most of you will leave wanting to put a gun barrel in your mouth.

I have this intrinsic need to be validated. When everyone and their dog was doing the love languages book by Gary Chapman, I scored big on validation/affirmation. Not surprising, I guess. I already know I'm a people pleaser and need people to like me for me. I get scared when I show who I am that I'll be rejected. What to do when people don't like me? I'll do my darndest to win them over. I know, I know, it's one of those juvenile statements that people think, but don't say outloud. Well, I'm saying it.

I'm sure this validation is a throwback to my childhood stint in foster homes and the abandonment issues they caused. Whatever. I think it might be deeper, like the fact that I watched too many Wonder Woman cartoons and my parents made me eat all my lima beans. Regardless of the reason, it's part of who I am.

I don't write about my every day because it bores the bajingo out of me. In fact, keeping to more silly and humorous writing is easy, but also a crutch for me. I may not be the most composed in thought, nor could I point to Kazakhstan on a world map. (somewhere near the other "-stans" in the Middle East) I could however, drone on like the rest of them when I tell you what I care about and makes me tick. HPV. Partial birth abortions. Dead beat Dads. People who communicate like a 2nd grader. The perfect lasagna recipe.

I think back to the days of foster care. My mother, a schizophrenic, who couldn't properly care for us four girls when my father was involved in a traumatic motorcycle accident. The accident left him with a severely broken leg and left us girls in foster care.

I don't remember much of that time, being 3 years old. Yet, I have a few flashbacks. One in particular was finding myself in a cold room with sparce furnishings. It was bedtime. I can only assume it was in the home of a foster family. I sat up in the dimly lit room; the hall light visible only through the slit in the bedroom door that was left ajar. I looked out the window and hated not knowing what was going on. There alone on my bed, I watched the rain come down with every drop silhouetted by the lone street lamp below. I remember thinking how much I didn't want to be there. I wanted to cry, scream, punch..anything to make things different. I didn't want to be alive. I clearly felt I wanted to leave the earth because I felt so unimportant. At 3 years old, I wanted to die.

I am a deep thinker. Most probably darker than most only because of where I've come from and managed to push through in life. I am a worrier by nature, control freak, over-thinker, and idealist, but also one who can wrap my brain around anything logical or emotional. I often have my brain going 100 miles faster than where I am at. I'd pause to answer in grade school, and they thought me a dunce. As an adult, I've suffered in jobs and relationships because I'm honest in how I speak and don't imply or take hints. The older I get the more I hone the art of speaking my mind diplomatically. That's the key.

I look back at my childhood and know how it shaped the person who I am. They say what doesn't kill you makes you stronger....or is it that it gives you something good to blog about? I'd say those darker days give me something good to blog about because it's forced me to look at the bright side (humorous side) of anything life throws at me. Like laughing hysterically at the news that the Anti-Christ has a $2200 repair.

Sure, I have my days, just like anyone. But if you wonder why I like to make fun of even the worst of what comes my way, know that it's because I won't let the worst kill me.

I don't know if this is a right way to be. Coping mechanism, denial or insanity...whatever you want to label it...it's my way. If you find that idea dysfunctional or 'wrong', do tell me about your 3 year old wish to die and your schizophrenic mother. I'm all ears and ready to wear your shoes. In the meantime, I might find something for you to laugh about. I've found that indeed, laughter IS the best medicine.

~Bee gets philosophical on her daily walks.
Listening to: Well Enough Alone by Chevelle

15 December 2008

My Van Is Really The Anti-Christ

Well, the beat goes on or is that me banging my head against a wall until I pass out?

As you've read earlier, The Anti-Christ is now kaput. Call the Waambulance, I'm freaking out.

Mr Coffee called our local trusty, outstanding mechanic and they said it would be $2200 for the transmission. I can't stop laughing. This is not happening. We've already been sucked dry these last three months to the tune of $1500, the van is 12 years old, and is due for it's scheduled blown head gasket in about 10K miles. I would cry if not for this pathetic laughing.

Mr Coffee and I joked we should leave The Anti-Christ overnight with the keys in it but since it only drives in neutral, I doubt a car thief would get it out of the driveway.

I've never hated a vehicle as much as this one. Hate is a selective word. You can dislike many things: lima beans, Ugg boots, giant car spoilers. But hate is a special word reserved for taxes and people who talk loud in a movie theater. And Anti-Christ vehicles. It's been said but I emphasize to you, my dear reader, If you ever find yourself in a position to buy a vehicle from friends or family? Don't do it. Just don't. Nothing good ever comes from this.

In the meantime, we have no money for a vehicle like everyone else in the US right now, no credit, and Mr Coffee's work has suddenly slowed down. I'm walking nearly ¾ a mile to my daughter's school in 26F degree weather (that's 13F degrees with the windchill) and I'm walking back with her. I also start school in the first week of January. Automobiles are never thoughtful about their imposing inconveniences, are they?

Just think of me today. Thanks all...

~Bee says haters gotta hate
Listening to: Mother Mother by Tracy Bonham

13 December 2008

Chestnuts Roasting Near An Open Car Fire

I don't know whether to laugh or cry. Today has not been a good day.

The plan was easy. I would drive over to the Dapoppins estate and watch all of our kids. All eight of the kids would have wild fun. The Dapoppinses would go on a long-overdue date, and Mr Coffee would be left by his lonesome at our apartment to paint, play the bass, read, and scratch as he saw fit.

No. Not today.

I got a few miles down the road and my van, aka "The Anti-Christ", started clunking and jerking like I was learning how to drive a standard again. This is a bad sign when The Anti-Christ is an automatic. I pulled off the road and find that it won't engage in any gear.

I called Dapoppins and her kids turned on her in a Spanish Inquisition Because Mom's On The Phone kind of way. She was completely unable to hear, let alone understand my dire plea. I offered to watch the kids if she would pick me up. She still couldn't hear me and I hung up. Just FYI, in her defense, she would have picked me up, had she been able to hear.

I called Mr Coffee but only after cursing the day we bought the van and beating the engine with a tire iron. I felt better and tried to look cheerful for the kids sake.

Mr Coffee picked us up in his two-seater truck full of work tools in the back. 

I found it interesting that with my 21 years of driving, Mr Coffee found it necessary to jump in the driver's seat and try to make the van go. I'm not mad or think him condescending however, I do think this is a man thing. Woman can't make it work? Man can do it.

Could you ever picture a woman being told by a man that his vehicle is broken down? She would think it's broken down. Now, if a woman tells a man her car is broken down, he will open the hood, and try to restart or drive it, regardless of his mechanical prowess. I do not get this.

As it goes, Mr Coffee miraculously managed to get The Anti-Christ to drive, but only forward in neutral.. Of course, I'm the Woman who did not think of this particular gear because Woman drive around in neutral only during road trips to the moon while smoking a hookah pipe and drinking decaf coffee.

Being stuck on the side of the road put all child-sized kidneys into full production and suddenly each one of them is merely one sneeze away from peeing their pants. Starbucks was just across the field, so us girls wouldn't have to worry about finding a place to pee on our feet....get privacy.

By the time we hit Starbucks bathroom doors, my face was numb and the kids were nearly icicles. It was then I remembered I have zero cash on me and no way to get coffee or drinks for the kids. One of the managers gave us free drinks, more likely owing to her recognizing me as the Black Coffee Free Refill lady.

My BIL came to the rescue and picked up the kids while Mr Coffee drove The Anti-Christ home, in neutral. My BIL was very gracious and I was very thankful the kids didn't have to walk.

Since Mr Coffee took on the risk of driving the Anti-Christ, I was assigned to drive the work truck. I managed to pull the ball off the gear shift twice and nearly killed myself trying to see through the reams of paper and ketchup packets all over the dash. I'm fairly OCD about keeping my dash devoid of papers or junk. It's a huge pet peeve, but Mr Coffee evidently keeps his file cabinet there along with receipts from 1985.

If you can envision a truck with slits for driving. The odoriferous wafting odor of old Mexican food and dust. A driver's seat with blown out springs. Add rear view mirror ornaments: a few phone/ipod charging cords, hanging flashlights, a small pup tent, and a small farm animal on the rear view mirror and you, too can recreate my moment of claustrophobic driving.

I was quickly reminded of how much I prefer a standard over an automatic. And hey, it drives in all the right gears and isn't a freezing walk home.

The day did not improve which included an over-flowing toilet in the master bedroom. Of which, my rare expletive completely described what I would be cleaning up off the floor thanks to my daughter who miraculously evacuates everything south of her esophagus about once a week.

If you are wondering why I have any sense of humor left, you can blame it on the 14 oz tub of caramel left over from Thanksgiving, a Hornsby's hard apple cider, and the charred bonfire in my driveway that may or may not resemble The Anti-Christ.

~Bee did not think this was her best day EVER.
Listening to nothing. I couldn't see the radio.

10 December 2008

This Tin Of Cookies Is Staring At Me

Who doesn't love a good dessert? And how they surround me.

Yesterday, I went over to a fellow blogger's house for the 2nd Annual Bakepalooza. I think it's an official 3rd Annual but I've only been twice. LoveyH is once again, the hostess with the mostest. She had the house decorated for Christmas. She also managed to keep a spotless house with a quick vacuum once-over in the kids area after they ate. How I wish I was that disciplined. Anyway, the vacuum was pretty high tech and yellow. We, however, were green with envy.

Who else wants appliances for Christmas? That would be me.

There is nothing much to say other than we (Dapoppins, Avery Gray, LoveyH and I) had loads of fun baking, eating, goofing off...and no alcohol or bail money was involved. Pictures were taken by Dapoppins although I used an equal amount of blackmail, the likes of which only a friendship of 21 years could produce. We won't be seeing Bakepalooza pics anytime soon and yes, this is a good thing.


I'm officially getting my education now that I've enrolled for my winter classes. I'll emerge from school with a degree in Applied Science. Doesn't that sound official? I had to rearrange my schedule to take English as my first class and math following. I had my math class first but I got curious over the English professor's track record.

Have you seen this site, Rate My Professors? Sounds cheesy, but I found it invaluable. When someone has four solid years of many bad reviews as a teacher, I understand why a class wasn't filling at the same rate as the others. I prefer to be graded by my own merit and with the competition I'll be facing come diploma time, I can't afford a poor grade. I re-registered and appear to have very well liked and competent teachers. Go me!

~Bee is aiming at shorter posts. heh.
Listening to: Radio Christmas Music

03 December 2008

Do You See What I See?

Since I can import all my posts now from another blog, you may find my archives filling up quickly. Go me!

Do you ever find yourself laughing at your own writing. I've got to be one of the most narcissistic peeps on the planet. Man, I crack myself up.

Speaking of cracking myself up, I'm compiling my yearly list of Christmas music to avoid. I may or may not have made these up.

*Christmas Shoes Are Pinching My Feet

*Peaches and Herb's Christmas Reunion

*Wall Street Shafted Me Christmas

*Homeless Roasting Near An Open Fire

*Black Friday Shoppers Will Activate Your Dental Insurance

*Doozie Goes To Court At Christmas: Pelize Stabalot

*I've Got Mr Coffee To Keep Me Warm

*Kabbalah's Rudolph, The Red Bracelet Reindeer

*Dance of The Shovel Whacking Fairy

*All I Want For Christmas Is A Green Borat Speedo

*Beano Presents: Silent Night

*Snoop Dog's Pimpin' In Santa's Sleigh

*Amy Winehouse, The Woman With The Bag

*Mos Def's Fat Booty Santa

*I'm Dreaming of An Employed Christmas

*Here Comes Santa Claus In His Hybrid Electric Car

*Al Gore Raps The Christmas Story

*I'll Have A Beer Christmas Without You

*Jerry Springer Christmas: My Family Tree Don't Fork

*Ding! Fries Are Done Soundtrack (only click on this if you want this song stuck in your head)

*Fireman Choir Sings: Put Out That Yule Log, I'm Coming Down!

*Walmart Exclusive: I Got My Front Tooth For Christmas

*Man, Santa's Hot! with the smash hit single: Oh, Holy Cow..It's Mr. Coffee

*Starbucks Hear Music: Santa's Making More Coffee Cup Ornaments

*Elves Reunion Special: I'll Have a Chinese Lead Poisoned Christmas

*Myspace Christmas: I Saw Mommy Kissing Everyone

*Politically Correct Christmas Vol 1 & 2:
The 12 Days Of A Holiday Season with bonus track~
Away In An Animal Enclosure Turned Hospital Birthing Suite

~Bee sticks to the classics