Do You Smell Toast?

I'm so shiny right now.

 My van has died and I want to set it on fire and roll it off a cliff.

 I can be positive. I'd do it with a smile.   

  I was lucky enough to have The Anti-Christ lose power in our     apartment parking lot. It was only a matter of pushing the van back into a parking space but not before learning the geometry of backing up a trailer and what it feels like to move around 3.500 lbs.

The mechanic says it's electrical and the electrician is out for two weeks. I allowed myself the human emotion of "NOOOOOOO" to resonate throughout my brain, took a deep breath, and then took it in stride.

I had a fairly busy week and weekend planned. This week will be busy, too. Movies to be seen. Eggs to hunt. Live music to be heard. Carpool duties. A pregnant mom to coach.

I believe character is hatched from bad days. This is how I manage to be positive about being negative. Positively negative. I usually laugh over stupid stuff like this. Crying comes to mind but what can I do?

I laugh. I laugh and tell myself it could be worse. I don't know what could be, pushing my van around the parking lot by myself. Like a moron. I could have easily strained something. I could have been 20 miles from home. I could be out at 10:30 at night on the freeway. Positive thinking here.

I ended up staying home, reading, spending time with the family, and playing Words With Friends on my phone. It's like online Scrabble. I'm not very good at it. I'm managing an average of 325 points per game which is ironic because that is also my golfing average. Wait, is that bad?

In other news, I decided to beef up my bookshelves because the 1500 books are not giving enough Hoarders. Second-hand shops are a goldmine of books on the cheap. First editions are also a fairly common discovery. Hand over a $20 bill and leave with up to twenty books.

Last week, I found a travel book for my son who has taken a sudden interest in Japan. I thought he would be completely beside himself when I gave it to him. It went something like this:

"Hey, Titus. I have something for you."

Sing-song voices are most necessary when revealing a surprise.

"What is it? What is it?" Sing-song gave him a hint that it was good. At least, what I think is good.

I have two boys. I've given them different names and birthed them less than two years apart but they still have not figured out the concept of autonomy yet. They do everything together. Peas in a pod. Like conjoined twins without all the awkward dating and tailored clothes.

Titus shows up first, "Did you get me something?"

I beam with motherly pride and joy. I'm so proud of myself for not only encouraging him to learn but also for finding his book for under a few bucks.

"I got you a book......." I pause for effect, "on...." I whip out the book and grin. At this point, I probably look like a young Jack Nicholson audition for the Joker.

Max shows up as I'm holding the article in question. They both look at me blankly. Max is the first to speak.

"A Honk Kong travel book?" Titus takes it from me slowly and looks at the cover like I've handed him a book on quadratic equations.

"Yes! Isn't that awesome. I thought you'd be excited?" I asked him, puzzled as to why he wasn't hugging me and calling me the "Best Mom Ever".

Titus still hasn't said anything. Max meets my eye and deadpans, "Mom. Titus likes Japan. That's Hong Kong. As in Hong Kong, C.h.i.n.a.." He states the last bit slowly because it has become painfully obvious to him that I am having a stroke and in dire need of all the help I can get.

Now, before you believe me to be completely geographically challenged, I will say that I am unequivocally, completely geographically challenged.

In my defense, and believe me, I know that Hong Kong is in China. If you plow through the travel books at the Goodwill, the smell of dust and Lord knows what else will permeate your delicate tissues thus rendering you moronic. Painfully, to the point of not knowing what state you are currently living in, let alone remember what cities go with what countries.

China is the big one, right? Japan is the little island-y one, right?

Seriously, though. World geography has never been a strong point for me but my brain apparently went on vacation to one of those tropical islands where they have white sand, blue skies, and cabana boys to fetch yummy drinks that come with little, tiny paper umbrellas. I couldn't tell you anything more, as my brain wouldn't be able to identify that island either.

Online map puzzles help a little but I felt pretty foolish (read: like having a STRONK!) that my boys witnessed what could only be described as a total, epic brain fart of geographical proportions.

As witness to a rare brain vacation that smells like the beach and coconuts. Maybe toast? It's lovely there. I would not blame my brain in the slightest for not wanting to go back.

I pride myself in my sensitivity to diversity and other ethnic cultures. I have traveled the globe. Studied other cultures. Learned about the world beyond my little life bubble and continue to learn a little about a whole lot of things. But when I forget things I know...like wearing deodorant, or eating. Or knowing where Hong Kong is? I have to laugh at myself.

Go ahead. Laugh it up. Mr Coffee did. He kissed my forehead and told me not everyone can be in a completely perfect "state".

Yeah, he totally went there.

~Bee is not smelling toast or having a stronk.

Listening to: Your Touch by The Black Keys

 

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11 Going On Harvard

This is a text message from my 11 year old to his Dad. Spelling, punctuation, and content in the original.

"It would come to your attention that my birthday is on a Thursday and I would like my party on the following Saturday with HELIUM balloons and I would like to invite [my friend]. I wouldn't like to sound greedy, but a chocolate-mint cake with mint-chocolate chip ice cream would be fine. Please refer to my wish list for further details. (*) also means most wanted."

And this is why we save for his college education.

~Bee likes to party on, Garth.
Listening to: Celebration by Kool and The Gang 

 

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No, I'm Not Really In Nebraska

Where have I been? Doing stuff.

Bloggage. Bloggy. Bloggy McBloggerton.

I'm woefully absent but I've had good reason. This is where I leave an obnoxious post telling you how busy I am and why I haven't blogged. You can glaze over till the end ~cough, weenie, cough~ where I say I'll be around more often. Or you can suffer like everyone else and find out where all your dryer socks are going.

No, not Nebraska, but close....

I've been contemplating the reason for lost dryer socks. I'm not joking. Missing dryer socks are right up there with long division as a wonder of the world. Do you think that people in China or across the globe miss dryer socks, too? I bet they don't. They probably complain of lost washer socks, being on the other side of the world and all. Naturally, everything is inverted so they get our plethora of dryer socks and we get extra washer socks.

Like they say, it all comes out in the wash.

"They" probably have enough time to babysit the wash and perhaps even iron their sheets. Is there anyone who has that kind of time? No, I sleep on wrinkled sheets and when they are nice and flat then I know I need to change them. Kind of like a sheet version of an indicator toothbrush but with less discoloration. Or not.

"They" are also smart and probably retain all their socks, too. Washer and dryer kind.

I've really lost my writing mojo. Okay, so not true. My blogging mojo. So many of my blogging peeps have disappeared and gone on with their lives. Jeez, it's not like cancer needs to be cured or families going on with their lives and stuff.

There are a few times I'd say, that's a good thing to write about. I need more motivation.

Kids are getting bigger, I'm taking school one quarter at a time depending on Mr Coffee's schedule. He is one of the few working in construction that is literally working so I have no grounds to stand and whine. He's staying busy and the kids are growing like weeds. I've said it before and I'll say again, I'm sure you don't really wanna hear how farging cute my kids are (even though they really are) but you come to read something to laugh about.

What is funny is how involved my kids are. They are the involved kids, where the carpool mom (that's me) drives all over Nebraska to get them to their activities. I have one in basketball, one is the President of the National Jr Honors Society, one playing violin, one playing clarinet, two playing piano, one in safety patrol, one soon to take up bowling, and later two, in track. Two schools, four kids, a living room remodel, my lifeline aka, my android phone with its assortment of social apps ready and waiting for that carpool lane, aaaaaaand about 50 overdue library books.

Can you see why I didn't quite make it to school this quarter? I'm not complaining just burning up a third world country in gas.

This is the heart of why I haven't blogged in so long. I've been carrying on with life. Book reading, coffee drinking, movie watching, iTunes downloading, date going, phone calling, BFF visiting, carpooling, choring, weight losing (like a whole person), and loving my life. I also have pumpkin pie for 14 to make for Thanksgiving.

You are so jealous of my wrinkled sheets and pie making marathon. I can feel it.

Can my days get any better? Certainly they can but I'm content. Lost dryer socks, notwithstanding.

 

~Bee is not in Nebraska

 Listening to The War by Angels & Airwaves

 

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Bill Gates Never Had Barney Wallpaper

 

 

Shared files can be hazardous to your health. More importantly, to your desktop. You see, my son, Max is 11 and apparently has an incredible aptitude for computers.

Max is a lot like me: logical, methodical, and curious. I'd love to take credit for his brilliance but it's all him...and no doubt, my pregnancy tuna fish cravings that fueled his brain development.

Seriously, though. All my children are brilliant and emotionally intelligent. I'm not biased.

Max wants to know why, how, and when. He's been reading at high school level since 4th grade. Earlier this year, he impressed his music teacher playing the "Colonial Days" song on his recorder. He instructed her on how he reworked the finger placement for transitioning easier between notes and then successfully played the song to her...simultaneously on two recorders, one in each hand. In 3rd grade he attempted to explain to me about the thinatude of the universe due to it's expanding nature and the lasting effect of gravity with centrifugal force. I half expected him to build me a flux-capacitor by now.

We were blessed with a computer a few months back, aptly named "The Kids Computer". I thought it best with the elevated risk of losing 20,000 itunes songs was inevitable with just one malevolent XBox cheat code. 

Simply thinking about it makes my heart palpitate. 

I've never showed Max the ins and outs of the computer or software since he is pretty fearless with technology. Last week I downloaded Gimp (open source photo editing software) to their PC and he's already photo shopping like an OK Magazine art director. Still-frame Lego videos are now in the works.

I set up each one of the kids with their own profile on their computer. Their profiles are password protected but since their passwords are openly shared, it was only a matter of time before the fun started and games of "look what I did to your wallpaper" or newly replaced user names of "boogerhead" started gracing the screen.

This is what happens when you have four cherub-faced kids.

My oldest daughter, Jaina is soon to be 14 and takes great delight in teasing her brothers. She's never deliberately mean but when a chance to poke fun is to be had, it's open season at the sibling range. It's a big sister thing, as I'm sure my younger sisters will also attest.

The only rule I made regarding the kids' shared computer was that they couldn't delete someone elses files or do something irreversibly grevious to a siblings profile. I strongly suggested password-protected user profiles be made after Jaina thought it great fun to change Max's wallpaper from his usual fare of video gaming characters or Star Wars scene.

Preschool appropriate wallpaper was not a hit and passwords were quickly changed and kept private.

Today, Max proudly announced from the computer chair that Jaina should be aware he was still going to get his revenge. My ears picked up immediately.

"Jaina, you DO know that I don't need your password to change your wallpaper." He sounded as smug as he was confident.

Jaina's head popped up from her dining room table doodling. Today it's Manga girl drawings. 

"Nu-uhh. No you can't!"

"Yep, I ca-an," he taunted her condescendingly, "you have shared files."

Jaina, confused and quickly looked to me, "He can't...can he? What does shared files mean?"

I stiffled a giggle. "I told you not to start something unless you were willing to wage a computer battle." It would be my 11 year old to outsmart his sister. Never get involved in a land war in Asia and all that.

Titus, my 10 year old, piped up, no doubt shrinking from the memory of My Little Pony people and rainbows that appeared on his desktop, "No, Maxim, don't! Don't even think..."

Maxim interrupted, "Don't worry, Titus. Ours are protected." Naturally, he anticipated all contingencies. This is war.

Jaina stammered in indignation, "No way. Mom said you couldn't erase files!"

"I didn't erase files. But I can keep the image and switch around the name or..." he grinned at her triumphantly, "...hey, I could change the name to the Chinese food delivery guy and you'll never find those files."

Like the wise Vizzini once said, "You fell victim to one of the classic blunders - The most famous of which is "never get involved in a land war in Asia" - but only slightly less well-known is this: "Never go against a Sicilian when death is on the line"!

Vizzini never met our family. If he had he'd undoubtedly would have added, "...and never change your brother's wallpaper to Barney when you have shared files on the line."

~Bee has protected files.

Listening to: I Predict A Riot by Kaiser Chiefs