06 October 2005


It's beginning to dawn on me that after 12 years of marriage I am perceived as a rarity. With divorce rates skyrocketing like a ricocheting rolling pin, and Hollywood marriages consisting of 3.2 months plus lawyer fees, it is becoming apparent that I am a bonefide marriage dinosaur with some secrets to spill. (hehe, spell check says bonefide should be "bonehead" :snort:)

"Spill?" asks the blushing bride. You bet your nuptials!

Some of you may think me arrogant to believe that after 12 years I can give advice. I don't know it all or even pretend to. I am not a professional but sometimes I do put chairs around my living room, grab a hair brush microphone and pretend I'm Dr. Phil.

Stuffed child bear named Tugar: "Well, you see, its like this Dr. Phillipina, she really hogs the bed and there are nights she actually peeps on my head when she is sleeping. I hate that."

2½ year old daughter: "Hi mama! Can I hab some cheese?" Be it known, my daughter believes in all of the food groups: Milk, cheese, cheese, cheese and cheese. Even her diaper bag is embroidered with Darigold. Local Cows Working Hard.)

Exit Dreamland....
Here are my keys of empowerment, some great advice I was given with a couple of things I gathered on the way. This is what I've learned to be a 'happily ever after'.

1) Committed for life.
No, not 'my shirt ties in the back' kind of committed. It means in for the long haul type of committed. If you have to trap your spouse to marry you in some crazy soap opera plot- like, say marrying to save the world from evil while avenging all the wrongs done to you by your parents.....call it a hunch, but it could be problematic.

2) Avoid arguments that include the words "always" and "never". Use the word "I" instead of "you".
"I" conveys your thought and how you feel. "You always..." conveys blame. In the words of the all wise Tommy Boy, "Don't run away from your feelings!" Remember that there are no bad arguments unless there is no positive outcome.

3) Count the compromises your spouse does for you and never the ones you do for your spouse.
It's the old adage, give and take. If you lived alone, you would have to change the friggin' toilet paper roll anyway, right? So, don't have a herd of cattle if you have to do this after your spouse leaves the bathroom. It's not cancer, death or 20-to-life.

4) Protect your marriage.
I am a bit more conservative on this topic, just because of my personal convictions. I would never go out to lunch with a married man alone. I would never keep a close personal friend that was a man other than my hubby. Work this out to what is comfortable between you and your spouse.

So you can debate away, but this is a fine-tune-to-your-own-marriage-specs kinda deal, so just rent When Harry Met Sally and be done with it. I happen to agree with Harry.

last but not least,

5) Bid for intimacy.
Okay, can you see my microphone and bald head now. The bid could be something like,

"I would love to spend the day at the beach with you and have a quiet little romantic dinner without the kids".

Some days it will pan out. Some days it won't. The key is that the want is there and youre telling your main squeeze that you are thinking of yummy-naughty alone time. This keeps the fire going.

Now four kids is enough to slap intimacy right back to your honeymoon, but what this means in so many words is I can't wait to spend time with you. The beach vacay didn't happen but he wanted me to know that is what he would have rather done.

Reality bites ~sniff~ and the weekend turns into an oil change, chores and homemade spaghetti dinner topped with an extra order of toddler dishes. If my good pj's are clean, well, it's almost as good as snuggling up with hubby under a blanket at the..well, almost.

oh, heck, who am I kidding? I would so much rather be at the beach and ordering room service for two.

No comments:

Post a Comment

"One ought, every day at least, to hear a little song, read a good poem, see a fine picture, and if it were possible, to speak a few reasonable words."

~Johann Wolfgang von Goethe