07 January 2006

Ready For Parenthood

I just finished a wipe and reload of my system. I am now taking on the task of sorting through my files, cute stories, pictures, etc..This said, I found this, author unbeknown to me, and elaborated on it a bit.

How to know you are ready for parenthood:

MESS TEST: Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Now rub your hands in the wet flower bed and rub on the walls. Cover the stains with crayons. Place a fish stick behind the couch and leave it there all summer.

CAR TEST: Go to McDonald's and order 6 happy meals. Dump and smash contents onto seats. Remove only 50%. Stuff remainder into cup holders and seat crevasse. Insert pennies into the CD player. Put over-sized 200 lb block in trunk making trunk space unusable.

TOY TEST: Obtain a 55-gallon box of Legos. If Legos are not available, you may substitute roofing tacks or broken bottles. Have a friend spread them all over the house. Put on a blindfold. Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen. Do not scream or swear.

GROCERY STORE TEST: Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them with you as you shop at the grocery store. Repeatedly tell them, "“NO, Not today." Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they eat or damage.

DRESSING TEST: Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff it into a small net bag making sure that all arms stay inside.

LAUNDRY TEST: Open a jumbo box of crayons. Dump into full clothes dryer and set on high heat until all crayons are melted to drum.

FEEDING TEST: Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill it halfway with water. Suspend from the ceiling with a stout cord. Get the jug swinging. Try to insert spoonfuls of soggy cereal (such as Fruit Loops or Cheerios) into the mouth of the jug while pretending to be an airplane. Now dump the contents of the jug on the floor.

SLEEPING TEST: Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8 to 12 pounds of sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 8:00 PM begin to waltz and hum with the bag until 9:00 PM. Lay down your bag and set your alarm for 10:00 PM. Get up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you have ever heard while watching lame infomercials. Do this until 4:00 AM. Set alarm for 5:00 AM. Get up and make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.

PHYSICAL TEST (WOMEN): Obtain a large bean-bag chair and attach it to the front of your clothes. Leave it there for 9 mos. or leave on longer if intending on having more children. Now remove 10% of the beans from the chest area, place in bag and attach to your backside.

PHYSICAL TEST (MEN): Go to the nearest drug store. Set your wallet on the counter. Ask the clerk to help himself. Now proceed to the nearest food store and buy all available Mac N Cheese, tater tots & hot dogs. Go to the head office and arrange for your paycheck to be directly deposited to the store. Write off sex with wife for next 5 years.

Go to your radio. Turn it up as loud as you can stand. A police siren also works well. Strap one, 20 pound weight to your leg and walk over to the phone. Dial up your best friend, doctor, sibling, spouse preferably important business. Stand next to speaker or siren and carry on a normal conversation.

FINAL ASSIGNMENT: Find a couple who already has a small child. Offer unsolicited advice on how they can improve their child's discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet training, and table manners. Suggest many things they can improve as well. Emphasize to them that they should never allow their children to run riot. Enjoy this experience. It will be the last time you'll have all the answers.

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"One ought, every day at least, to hear a little song, read a good poem, see a fine picture, and if it were possible, to speak a few reasonable words."

~Johann Wolfgang von Goethe