30 May 2007

Pool Etiquette

I keep meaning to post my latest outings with the kids so, today you get lucky.

Don't you feel lucky? Gee, I sure do.

This week, I've been at our pool. I read that moderate swimming is as good as walking 4 mph. Good exercise! This is a good thing for me. I'm even starting to tan despite my Irish heritage. I just hope freckles never go out of style.

Speaking of style, I've seen a deplorable lack of it at the pool. I know these apartments have full length mirrors, so there should be no excuses. I've never been afraid of swimsuits (I used to model them) so I don't mind swimsuit shopping and getting some exercise. With that said, I recommend some decorum if you do venture out this year to the pool.

If you have to squeeze yourself into a two-piece, this not the suit for you. I don't believe you are making a political statement about atomic bomb testing with your mushroom cloud fallout at your waistband. Please find a suit that fits, perhaps a one piece would suit you better. Just say no to muffin top.

If you appear as if you are in search of Marti Gras beads everytime you get out of the pool, please consider a top that covers more than two round bandaids. For the love of all things tan and sunscreened, you might put an eye out or horribly embarrass my impressionable, yet naive 6 and 8 year old sons.

If you wear a bikini because you do have a smoking bod, good for you. If by chance you also are a single mom and flirting with the married men swimming with their children, you will appear desperate and cheap. It's also the fastest way to get hog tied and thrown into the deep end of the pool. (all the well adjusted people said, "AMEN") I'm all for looking nice at the pool. I really am but for flirts of this kind, I will summons any and all children, including mine, to scream, yell, and cannonball you until you leave.

How do you like the pool now?

If you suffer from second degree burns from the day previous, sunscreen will not afford you two more hours in the pool. REPEAT: Sunscreen is a preventative not a force field or shade.

If you have kids that cannot swim, the chances are slim that your toddler can swim when their little inner tube pops or water wings suddenly deflate. If you would not consider leaving for the evening with an inner tube babysitting your children, then the pool should be no exception. I have four children that love to swim. I myself, love to swim. This does not make me the resident pool babysitter.

If you have more cottage cheese than a dairy farm I will politely look away. I'm all for the Dove idea of beauty, don't think I'm shallow. But face it, girls...and guys, it's a fact of life and therefore cover ups were invented for good reason. Swim shorts are also a great alternative. Both are affordable as well as accessible at any major retailer. They come in prints, solids...and my cover up is black.

Lastly, if you are two teenagers and loudly commenting how 'like, huge people are' and 'how annoying the kids are' at the pool, this is also the fastest way to get your mouth turned into a pool filter. I won't make fun of how many times, you say, "..ohmaaagaaah you got me wet!" (like that should be a surprise sitting next to a pool) , nor will I mention your tongue piercing and muffin top swimsuit. In return, you won't make rude remarks about....oh, who am I kidding, I'm totally going to blog you.

This concludes my pool side etiquette. Please make a note of it.

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"One ought, every day at least, to hear a little song, read a good poem, see a fine picture, and if it were possible, to speak a few reasonable words."

~Johann Wolfgang von Goethe