Do You Smell Toast?

I'm so shiny right now.

 My van has died and I want to set it on fire and roll it off a cliff.

 I can be positive. I'd do it with a smile.   

  I was lucky enough to have The Anti-Christ lose power in our     apartment parking lot. It was only a matter of pushing the van back into a parking space but not before learning the geometry of backing up a trailer and what it feels like to move around 3.500 lbs.

The mechanic says it's electrical and the electrician is out for two weeks. I allowed myself the human emotion of "NOOOOOOO" to resonate throughout my brain, took a deep breath, and then took it in stride.

I had a fairly busy week and weekend planned. This week will be busy, too. Movies to be seen. Eggs to hunt. Live music to be heard. Carpool duties. A pregnant mom to coach.

I believe character is hatched from bad days. This is how I manage to be positive about being negative. Positively negative. I usually laugh over stupid stuff like this. Crying comes to mind but what can I do?

I laugh. I laugh and tell myself it could be worse. I don't know what could be, pushing my van around the parking lot by myself. Like a moron. I could have easily strained something. I could have been 20 miles from home. I could be out at 10:30 at night on the freeway. Positive thinking here.

I ended up staying home, reading, spending time with the family, and playing Words With Friends on my phone. It's like online Scrabble. I'm not very good at it. I'm managing an average of 325 points per game which is ironic because that is also my golfing average. Wait, is that bad?

In other news, I decided to beef up my bookshelves because the 1500 books are not giving enough Hoarders. Second-hand shops are a goldmine of books on the cheap. First editions are also a fairly common discovery. Hand over a $20 bill and leave with up to twenty books.

Last week, I found a travel book for my son who has taken a sudden interest in Japan. I thought he would be completely beside himself when I gave it to him. It went something like this:

"Hey, Titus. I have something for you."

Sing-song voices are most necessary when revealing a surprise.

"What is it? What is it?" Sing-song gave him a hint that it was good. At least, what I think is good.

I have two boys. I've given them different names and birthed them less than two years apart but they still have not figured out the concept of autonomy yet. They do everything together. Peas in a pod. Like conjoined twins without all the awkward dating and tailored clothes.

Titus shows up first, "Did you get me something?"

I beam with motherly pride and joy. I'm so proud of myself for not only encouraging him to learn but also for finding his book for under a few bucks.

"I got you a book......." I pause for effect, "on...." I whip out the book and grin. At this point, I probably look like a young Jack Nicholson audition for the Joker.

Max shows up as I'm holding the article in question. They both look at me blankly. Max is the first to speak.

"A Honk Kong travel book?" Titus takes it from me slowly and looks at the cover like I've handed him a book on quadratic equations.

"Yes! Isn't that awesome. I thought you'd be excited?" I asked him, puzzled as to why he wasn't hugging me and calling me the "Best Mom Ever".

Titus still hasn't said anything. Max meets my eye and deadpans, "Mom. Titus likes Japan. That's Hong Kong. As in Hong Kong, C.h.i.n.a.." He states the last bit slowly because it has become painfully obvious to him that I am having a stroke and in dire need of all the help I can get.

Now, before you believe me to be completely geographically challenged, I will say that I am unequivocally, completely geographically challenged.

In my defense, and believe me, I know that Hong Kong is in China. If you plow through the travel books at the Goodwill, the smell of dust and Lord knows what else will permeate your delicate tissues thus rendering you moronic. Painfully, to the point of not knowing what state you are currently living in, let alone remember what cities go with what countries.

China is the big one, right? Japan is the little island-y one, right?

Seriously, though. World geography has never been a strong point for me but my brain apparently went on vacation to one of those tropical islands where they have white sand, blue skies, and cabana boys to fetch yummy drinks that come with little, tiny paper umbrellas. I couldn't tell you anything more, as my brain wouldn't be able to identify that island either.

Online map puzzles help a little but I felt pretty foolish (read: like having a STRONK!) that my boys witnessed what could only be described as a total, epic brain fart of geographical proportions.

As witness to a rare brain vacation that smells like the beach and coconuts. Maybe toast? It's lovely there. I would not blame my brain in the slightest for not wanting to go back.

I pride myself in my sensitivity to diversity and other ethnic cultures. I have traveled the globe. Studied other cultures. Learned about the world beyond my little life bubble and continue to learn a little about a whole lot of things. But when I forget things I know...like wearing deodorant, or eating. Or knowing where Hong Kong is? I have to laugh at myself.

Go ahead. Laugh it up. Mr Coffee did. He kissed my forehead and told me not everyone can be in a completely perfect "state".

Yeah, he totally went there.

~Bee is not smelling toast or having a stronk.

Listening to: Your Touch by The Black Keys

 

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