25 October 2014

Idiots Guide To Preparing For The Flu

It's very important to be prepared for anything. My purse is the mecca of natural disaster preparedness, chock full for every possible contingency. Safety pins, band-aids, hand sanitizer, lotion, bug spray, first aid, ibuprofen, nail clippers, tweezers..etc.

However, nothing in my purse can prepare anyone for the flu. This is where I come in. I've prepared a small checklist so you will be fully ready for anything flu-like that comes your way this winter season.

Set alarm clock in one hour intervals throughout the night. Turn off alarm at 3am. Stay wide-awake. Turn on TV, preferably Conan O'Brien reruns. Watch a heavily-edited episode of Sex and the City. Watch incredulously as the sound of infomercials on the Butt Zapper attempt to lull you back to sleep. Feel sleepy only when kids wake for school.

Get up in the morning and drink an entire bottle of Elmer's glue. Follow this by gargling a Big Gulp of glass shards. Follow with half a pot of coffee. Drive children to school. Look cheerful.

Go run a 5K after hand-unloading a truck full of gravel. Rest by lying down on your local highway. Truck ramp is best. Do not get up unless you are run over a minimum of three to four times. Smooth clothing and proceed to finish household chores.

Grab a handful of sandpaper from the workbench in the garage. Apply by rubbing vigorously to entire nose and lip area. Stop when bleeding occurs. Brush hair and put into ponytail. Apply chapstick. Reflect on how hot you look.

Go to Walmart or other drugstore and purchase as many over the counter medicines as legally possible. Visit several pharmacies if you score less than 10 boxes on your first attempt. Try not to look too guilty.

Procure an icepick, two if possible. Jam one in each ear, muffling sound effectively. Ask everyone, "What? I hab a cold." when they speak to you.

Go to garage and find the nearest tire pump. Shove end up nose as far as the pain will allow. Pump vigorously. Stop inflation only if pump breaks or you can no longer breathe.

Buy a disco lamp and install with 500 watt colored lights. Display strobe light show in bedroom. Point directly at your head for optimum retina exposure.

Purchase small ping hammer at hardware store. Use on upper molars twice a day. Make sure ice picks are still solidly in place. Tell everyone around you that you are finally feeling better.

Go to the grocery and buy soup, crackers, ginger ale, bread, and bananas. Bring home and dump out everything in toilet. Make yourself a cup of hot tea and a piece of toast. Eat nothing else for the rest of the day.

Get into shower. Refrain from using soap of any kind. Get into bed sopping wet with large brick of moldy Swiss cheese. Alternate turning on heat to 110 degrees and blowing AC. Read or watch TV while attempting to look comfortable.

Congratulations! You are now prepared for the flu.

~Bee (ironically) never gets a flu shot.


Lisa Wheeler Milton said...

Oh Bee, this has to be one of my favorite posts.

Thank you.

Jen - Queen of Poo said...

Oh gee. I think I'll just live in denial and tell myself I won't get it this year. :-) (I never get a shot either)

Rebecca Blevins said...

My favorite:

"Go to the grocery and buy soup, crackers, ginger ale, toast, and bananas. Bring home and dump out everything in toilet."

That's brilliance, right there!

Gwynne said...

Oh, my. So glad I got that flu shot...it came with a free ice pick, just in case.

McBunni said...

This was the best one! ◘Go to the grocery and buy soup, crackers, ginger ale, bread, and bananas. Bring home and dump out everything in toilet. Make yourself a cup of hot tea and a piece of toast. Eat nothing else for the rest of the day.

Hee hee!

... Paige said...

Ah honey.

Doozie said...

You are completely brickless. You just lost the last brick from your load.

Actually this was one of your more inspiring posts.

I'm inspired, really I am.

R said...

Hey----I've read this before. How could I forget?

I don't have posts that anyone remembers like you do. Ok, fine, I am jealous? But who said I couldn't be?

So I am jealous. you are a genius and I am---who cares, a pile of dust.

You are so funny, I am glad you are my friend.

Jaina said...

Aaaaaah! I cringed my way through that...especially the ice pick part. Haha.

Dapoppins said...

I was all the way down the list until the diet coke truck ran over me. Some soda fell on me and I had to drink it, and which made me skip a couple of steps.


Momo Fali said...

You are awfully damn funny for being so sick!

JD said...

Brilliant! Hope you feel better soon thanks for helping all of us out for the season!

Jo Beaufoix said...

Hmmm. I need to prepare. You are wicked lovely Bea.

Jamie Dawn said...

Unfortunately, I do not find this post of yours to be even remotely humorous.
Why? Because I just got over being sick, and so my ability to laugh at flu sufferers does not currently exist.


We must be in the same frame of mind since my current post is about the flu I just endured.
Lord, please push the flu bug next door from now on.

Jamie Dawn said...

My favorite part of your post is about the ping hammer to the molars.
Just too funny!!!!

Jaina said...

Hey Bee, I left you something NOT flu-like over on my blog. ;)

Jeff and Charli Lee said...

Believe it or not I've never had the flu (knocking on wood here) but thanks to you I now know what to expect. Thanks!

Mrs4444 said...

Absatively, posolutely (as my mother would say) HILARIOUS! I'm going to link to this in a future post; thanks for the great advice :)

Unknown said...

That is too funny!

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