Are you still here? I'm thankful for you.
I told myself, "Self, you need to get things out of your head. Why don't you write on your blog again? Not just the negative, but take a breath and clear the gray matter"
My self is so smart. To catch you up, things have changed over the last few
years.
My kids are grown. Like, grown-grown. Only two-left-on-my-insurance grown. One married off and the other three making their way.
I have a four year old grandson who loves cars and abandons all sense of self preservation when he can. I'm certain his goal in any given room, is to find the highest point and find a way to get there.
I am starting a new job. One in HR/Benefits. My antiquing business has been reduced to hobbyist seller. I like that I can come back to it, giving as much time as I want to.
I'm hiking now. Doesn't everyone say they love hiking? Those trails would be so much fuller if everyone hiked that says they hike.
Hubs is still in construction. He's been working a few months at a house on a hill out in the boondocks. I've visited the homeowner and they have about 40 chickens and lots of eggs. Their place looks like a whimsical Swiss Chalet. I understand the homeowner has a saw mill. The property is idyllic, nestled into the hill on a long, long back road. I can only imagine the peace they experience being 10 miles out of town. Wind gently blowing in the breeze, the smell of sawdust, and birds crapping all over the porch.
I'll take it. Crappy birds and all.
I've been watching more TV and learning to crochet. Tik Tok watching. Book reading. Doing adult things like jobbing and buying houseplants. Getting a job. Getting a different job. Finding a groove in life (not a rut).
You don't realize that how you spend your days is how you spend your life. I've reached a more peaceful place in my life. An OCD diagnosis in 2023 and year of messing with medication came to a head. More obsessive than compulsive, I've learned a lot about mindset. I never really gave it much thought but I'm training my brain. Recognizing more and more when something derails me.
A beach whale parking job. A loud neighbor. Spices in the wrong cupboard. That one comment that had me gerbil-wheeling in my head. Kids leaving trash in my van. Still.
Will I ever shake myself of overthinking, over analyzing? I can't go back on medication (it causes tremors and makes me feel crazy) I don't expect a cure but I can channel my cyclical thought to be someone who lives with OCD instead of someone who suffers from OCD. I know I see things others don't. Perhaps that is part of comedy. Relating to observations of others or yourself that others may not see at first. That's why I write and that's why I like to laugh. Relating is a big one.
It also helps to analyze perspective to put it on proverbial paper. Like yesterday at a drugstore, an employee told me, after nearly hitting me with the door, that the lab was closed for lunch. She was rude and loud, "Um, we are at lunch."
No hello. No sorry. No apologies for the wait but we'll be back in an hour. I wasn't even looking at her. I was busy trying to read all three signs.
I half smiled and looked up. Signage was everywhere so I was quite aware. "I understand. I've just been given the runaround on your hours." I admit unnecessary information but an explanation of why I'm hanging out next to the lab door seeing when I can return.
I kid you not, the woman makes her eyes wide and rolls them with her entire head, grimacing like I'm ridiculous. "Awesome", with her sarcastic reply, she should be employee of the month by now.
"Not really," I stated quietly looking back at my phone. She kept walking.
I'm ridiculous? This coming from a lady "helping" without being asked or even given eye contact, irritated I'm bugging her lunch break, and sucking on a $50 sippy cup while wearing giant eyelashes like an awning is attached to her face.
I didn't say another word and getting mad wouldn't change my trajectory. Who knows. Maybe Starbucks gave her decaf coffee. Maybe she was late that morning or her giant eyelashes made her 90% blind.
Either way, I'm proud of myself for not ruminating for hours on end and writing it out makes it sound even more ridiculous and innocuous. Its also far less emotionally exhausting to let it go. My friend calls it throwing it in your "you-know-what bucket". I call it the Shuck It Bucket and so far so good.
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"One ought, every day at least, to hear a little song, read a good poem, see a fine picture, and if it were possible, to speak a few reasonable words."
~Johann Wolfgang von Goethe