31 August 2006

My Own Episode of "24"

12:00 Watch Perry Mason reruns while folding more clothes.
Ponder why I never became a lawyer. Wish Hamilton Burger tried OJ Simpson.
Check email, avoid 23 telemarketer calls.

1:10 Lunch time. Witness children pack away a dozen PB &Js. Do dishes. Watch Lolo empty entire clean dishwasher into silverware drawers. Sweep floor feeling guilt from waste and starving countries around the world. Wonder when Brangelina will break up.

2:00 Play African Wilderness with kids. Swing in the hammock and watch them make Redneck tree chair and hang Barbie. Ignore neighbor with large inflatable pool who never invite us over. Suddenly wish for a bow and arrow.

2:30 Check blog. Try to write something funny. Laugh at own posts.

2:45 Go to Target. Scowl at Jr.'s Department at skanky tube tops. Laugh in wine isle. Try on ugly shoes and drool over books. Consider applying part-time at Target cafe' to get cheap Starbucks coffee beans.

4:15 Drive over plastic toy in drive. Retrieve junk mail from mail box. Hurry kids in house to avoid neighbor children.

4:30 Move wash and see last half of Oprah. Get call from Mr. Coffee inquiring to see if he can bring me anything. Say naughty married things to hubby attempting to embarrass him while at work.

5:00 Regret forgetting to take meat out of freezer. Cook Top Ramen with green beans. Tell Jaina and Max to knock off teasing Zus. Reassure Zus that Ramen noodles are not made from worms.

5:10 Tell children to settle down at eat.

5:15 Tell children to settle down or else. Tell knocking neighbor kids that we are eating dinner.

5:20 Tell children if they don't eat they don't get anything else until tomorrow.

5:25 Congratulate children on finishing dinner without anyone bleeding. Encourage kids to take up dishes.

5:45 Anticipate another "24". Clean dishes. Finish off pot of coffee. Tell Jaina to quit humming at her brother. Send brother to room for spitting. Put on lipstick for when hubby gets home and fix hair. Smell pits to make sure not offensive and adjust shirt for appropriate cleavage. Ignore stain on shirt knowing he won't see it anyway.

6:00 Threaten children to back yard or else. Scrub fresh crayola marker off of fridge. Call local friends to exchange moral support. Email and comment on blogs.

6:15 Mr Coffee gets home looking worn out and doesn't notice stain at all. Wake Mr. Coffee who falls asleep into dinner. Finish half of mine. Tell self to do rest of dishes tomorrow.

6:30 Pull out sewing machine while Mr. Coffee finishes work calls at desk. Hem curtains from 9 months ago. Grunt at pile of work pants needing mending. Finish one pair and leave curtains still unattended.

7:00 Wake Mr. Coffee at sound of tub running. Bathe excited 3 yr old emptying all tub water onto bathroom floor. Watch child squeeze half a bottle of salon conditioner into bath.

7:15 Smack head repeatedly making bunk beds. Successfully attempt not to swear or pass out in front of kids.

7:30 Mr. Coffee aids children selecting nighttime books and tucking them into bed. Assist Mr. Coffee's old boss with forms for suing non-paying contractor. Take pride in being a secret agent while forking over goods on offending contractor. Feel important.

8:00 Kids in bed. Blabber at Mr. Coffee about the day. Tell kids to get in bed for the fourth time. Clean kids toothpaste off of mirror, counter, and sink. Pray with kids.

8:30 Tell youngest to get back into bed. Drink half a glass of merlot. Read another chapter in my book. Set alarm for 6:00am with hope of actually exercising early even though I know I won't.

9:00 Enjoy episode of "24" on DVD. Wonder when they will match Kim's black eyebrows to her blonde hair.

9:45 Wonder why there is never enough time in the day. Threaten oldest to stay in bed unless she is bleeding, turning blue or something is on fire.

10:00 Kids all asleep. Fight hubby for the bathroom. Wish I hadn't drank all that coffee.

10:05 Everyone asleep. Enjoy quiet. Get into bed and try to read between snoring spouse and 747 engine he likes to call 'white noise' fans.

11:00 Wake up to hubby snuggling. Turn off light....to do it all over again the next day.

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"One ought, every day at least, to hear a little song, read a good poem, see a fine picture, and if it were possible, to speak a few reasonable words."

~Johann Wolfgang von Goethe