09 June 2007

One list a young man should never make

Women get better with age. It's true. We know our man/partner/boyfriend aren't so naive when it comes to relationships and knowing what we want.

I am not Mr. Coffee's everything, nor should I be. Sexy isn't the size of my jeans or whether or not I have bedhead. It's being comfortable in my own skin. I've learned I can turn Mr. Coffee's head with a smile, I can cook my way to his heart, and that he does need quiet time to unwind from the day. I can read him better after almost 14 years of marriage and no, he REALLY does not care what the neighbor's parking habits are. Verbally barfing about my day when he walks in the door is also never a good idea. Giving him space, respect, love, honor...this is all what I've learned.

So you see, in my eyes, it only gets better. But this below? I believe that some very naive person wrote this (not blaming men for this list either, because it's just ridiculous) The author, has NO IDEA that getting older for a man and woman is just gravy, baby. Not all value comes with DD bolt ons, blonde hair, and possess a certificate showing how they passed the Baywatch beach running audition.

My comments are included below:

29 Things A Woman Past 30 Should Never Do

1. Date vacuous eye candy just because "he's hot." (A.K.A. The Trophy Boyfriend.)
You think a woman shouldn't go for a guy based on initial eye contact? Your assumption that said guy is also shallow and therefore no chemistry makes this point completely stupid.

2. Own more than 3 cats.
They don't give anyone stretch marks from birth, they don't cheat, and nobody needs to be bailed out of jail. They don't hog the remote and they don't get offended when the owner has PMS, feeling less than sociable.

3. Put glitter on any part of her body. (Or star in a movie called Glitter, particularly if her name is Mariah.)
Back up the craft mobile! Perhaps, I shouldn't mention then, when you get older, you will want your spouse to roll in glitter and use the newly installed pole in your bedroom (the spouses favorite 35th birthday present) .

4. Use flavored lip gloss. (Especially not as a "zero calorie desert" because it "doesn't count as food" and therefore can't be considered cheating on your diet.)
It's called sarcasm and this type of banter is deemed funny to most. Lighting your farts with a lighter? SO not funny. Suggesting Lip gloss doubling as dessert? Funny.

5. Speak like Betty Boop.
That's my voice immodulation in the drive-thru intercom. If you adjust your drive-thru headset you can hear it over my pimping car stereo you are drooling over.

6. Wear her jeans below her hips.
As opposed to wearing them under the obvious display of thong undies.

7. Own anything bearing a resemblance to Strawberry Shortcake, Hello Kitty, or My Little Pony.
Hey, I have kids. It's a keychain from mother's day. Freakin' deal with it.

8. Think "But I can change him."
Mr Coffee does DISHES and LAUNDRY..and likes it. Do you imply men don't have brains? Mr. Coffee would like to chat about this at length. Say, down at the docks, or perhaps an abandoned warehouse would do.

9. Go for the bad boy.
Because older women apparently live more than once.

10. Induce a man to do something on the grounds, "But I'm just a woman."
Well, I am a woman and many men glory in being able to do things better. I just don't see myself getting MY prostate checked anytime soon.

11. Take a romance novel seriously.
Only as serious as NFL, Nascar, NBA, or Footy.

12. Single handedly keep Häagen-Dazs in business.
It's my party and I'll fricken eat it if I want to.

13. Bedazzle anything.
You seriously underestimate the appeal of a woman over 30. Don't worry, you'll get it eventually once we 'change you' with our mind powers.

14. Know all the lyrics to any Britney Spears or Spicegirls song.
Well, we've already memorized Lebron James free throw average and number of assists this year in the NBA.

15. Subtract more than ten years when giving her age.
It's our self-defense mechanism to be able to be taken seriously by men like you.

16. Believe anything a clothing salesperson tells you.
Well, since I don't shop at the Army Surplus, I think I'll be okay.

17. Ask, "Does this make me look fat?"
I agree, but in most every language that doesn't translate, "Lie to me". Besides, older women do not ask this because we know better.

18. Expect her man to read her mind (they can barely read their own).
But he does read my mind. And be nice or I'll tell your mom and she'll substitute I'll-Show-You-Mind-Starch instead of fabric softener when she does your wash.

19. Know the complete current story lines of more than 2 soap operas.
And you don't know the complete story line of "24", "LOST" and "The Unit?"

20. Believe in "size 0."
We do, admittedly, because the guys like you STARE AT IT! So now *you* can in exchange, stop wearing your manpris and your shower shoes with socks thinking you are cool.

21. See an ugly guy and tell your friend, "There's your husband!" (unless it really is her husband).
again, think sarcasm. Loosen up, have a bran muffin.

22. Own more diet books than shoes.
Books are great things, you should try them. You can open them, read them and shelve them over and over! Who else would be smart enough to then turn around and sell unwanted books on eBay for profit? (PS. Beer cans do not sell well on eBay)

23. Think that 3 coats of makeup, some rented lingerie, and a camera lens smeared with Vaseline equals "glamour."
As opposed to making out with a cheerleader in the Walgreen's parking lot so your parent's won't find out?

24. Three words: "Grannies Gone Wild."
Thems fightin' words. Grannies are fabulous. You shut your yapper.

25. Consider baby sitter, dog walker, or plant waterer as viable career paths.
Well, we have CEO, IT Director, Manager, and Board Chairperson pretty much covered.

26. Own any t-shirt that says "Eye Candy," "Biatch," "Princess," or anything similar (especially if it's written in shimmering silver text).
My PJ's can say anything I want, Princess.

27. Have "Daddy" on fast dial in your cell phone.
Daddy has the power to hide the body, so I'd stop right here.

28. As a result of deciding "there are no more good men," import your very own small brown child from a far away land.
So we should get knocked up for main stream media's sake instead of contribute to making life better for someone else?

29. Go to the bathroom in a single pack. Several should stay behind in case a search party is needed.
We have to. We talk about you and your dumb 29 things. It's great fun.


Dapoppins said...

Doozer might just say SHUTT-UPPPP. But she can't cause I am first. HA! I don't know what list this is, however, I love your answer to #24.

~Jennifer said...

Yes, number 24 was priceless. You can't say it out loud without a granny accent.

Ba Doozie said...

Oh this is good stuff, I laughed all the way through, and wanted to add on. We need the list for men, I'll work on it

Jenn said...

Whoever wrote this must be a kid, because she makes over 30 sound so incredibly OLD.

McBunni said...

As I approach 30 (gonna be 28 on July 7th), some of these things could be issues in the near future.

At the risk of sound cliche....frankly my dear, I don't give a damn. I'm going to sport Hello Kitty and Ranibow Brite until I'm back in diapers. Heck, maybe I'll get some Hello Kitty Depends!

I want to know who came up with the list of what supposed to be "the norm". They're so full of ka ka!

Redneck Mommy said...

Man, I really missed out in my twenties and now to find out I'm too old for most of this...my heart is breaking.

I would like to point out though, when I took Pole Dancing 101 (I really did) the hubs enjoyed when I was covered with glitter.

And I was over 30.

So she can just shut her yapper. (love that line!)

stud said...


I really don't care if a woman is attractive or getting better with age as long as she enjoys wild sex and has a lot of money.

Herr Krokodil said...


I dreamed you and I were in a WWF caged match last night and I pinned you to the canvas and then started to spank you.

It was weird. Don't tell Mr. Coffee.

Ba Doozie said...

oh dear lord....this thing with herr and yourself is getting out of "hand". we are good friends, but I will beat you up if I have to

Jenn said...

I tell Mr. Coffee EVERYTHING because he has been known to hum that tune by George Thorogood, "You Talk Too Much". He hasn't done it for years now that he has me broken in.

What in the name of Sally's Beauty Supply are you talking about?

I hope you like being single with nice hair.

Redneck Mommy,
I don't know if it's a chick or a dude that made the list, but I don't link to trolls, so we shall never know. Poll Dancing 101...hmmm...that sounds like fun actually.

Your thirties is when you really start having fun.

He..or she, will learn in time. I don't ever recall being that closed minded even when I was a size 4 and too much energy.

that would be fabulous.

I was thinking the same thing.

HAHAH! She would.

Danielle said...

I loved your additions!! and BTW...I am counting the day and pounds when I can drag my hiphugging jeans back out of the armoire and don them over my most favorite thong....I wish I wasn't a scairdy cat 'cause I would also love to get a tatoo on my lower back to go with said outfit ;)

Leslee said...

The list wasn't that funny, but you sure were!!!

sarahgrace said...

Hee hee hee...my favorite is 27...well, your retort to it anyway. ;)

Henny Penny said...

The guy obviously lives under a rock. LOVE your comments! LMBO

R said...

What a DIP. Who wrote that?

Very good comments. You need your own column, I tell ya.

Jacquie said...

where do you find this stuff girl? I always love the rebuttles though.

You should see the monkey wallet I carry. I always get comments. I love harmless controversy.

wolfbaby said...

you tell'em!!

The Domesticator said...

These made me laugh out loud, I must say! You came up with quite an impressive list. I think I failed one or two, though....
I'm not sayin which ones! :)

The Exception said...

This was funny. I hope that no one took it seriously! The author makes it sound like women over thirty are hard up, dried up, and should not be allowed to have any fun or express their individuality at all. And those of us over thirty know that life is that much better - more fun, more liberating, more sensual... you name it.

Stalker Cyberstalker said...

You're hilarious!

gamecubist said...

Hi Mama!

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