26 April 2008

Camera Day

How 'foxy' can you be in a Honda Civic? Ali thinks you can be, evident by the number of times she checked herself in her visor mirror. Who knew Honda Civics were the height of foxiness? I would wonder if it is only in the red Honda Civics in which you can be foxy or do the other colors work as well? Only Ali would know for sure.


I like that my grocery places these cans at children's eye level.

"Mom, can we buy some Bawls?!"

I can hear the commercials now:

Try new Bawls! Tastes refreshing, gives you a boost of energy, and comes in a convenient four pack. You can always find our blue canned Bawls at most major retailers. So guys and gals, head out now to buy your favorite Bawls, and bounce with Bawls today!


Speaking of Bawls, I am going on record to say these jacked trucks look ridiculous. Please bear in mind, I am sitting in my minivan and not a car. This vehicle is nearly the height of a semi.

What possesses a man to do this to his vehicle? Women do not drive these, let alone compensate in this way so it must be a dude. Maybe this is the fallout of drinking too much Bawls?


Mr Coffee has been known to wear pink on occasion. Granted, that was back in the 1980s when it was entirely cool. He'd be dressed to the nines, and accentuated with a blazer and pegged, stone-washed jeans.

Both of my boys shrieked at the mere suggestion of my purchasing one of these shirts, and immediately pointed at the other for my benefit.

"Buy it for HIM!"

"NO, HIM!"

We left empty handed except for the photographic evidence. If ever there was an argument that today's clothing designers are determined to make our young boys gay, this below would be convincing enough evidence for me.

I'm listed at humor-blogs. I'd like to be on their front page, so check them out. There are some great blogs there. Click. Just do it. I know you want to.

22 April 2008

Peace, Tree Hug, and Recycle

It was Earth Day yesterday and in light of that I'm posting something environmental. Aren't you proud of me?

Short of using tree bark instead of T.P., I do get satisfaction from my properly washed, squashed, and sorted recyclables. I also make the kids aware of their energy usage. They have an uncanny ability to leave on every light in the house, whether in use or not.

This graph is a perfect illustration of electric usage in my house. I'm pretty sure you can see my gloriously lit house from the Hubble Space Station.


I do care about being a good steward of what resources we have. Although, has anyone stopped to think that global warming is simply the natural evolution of our planet?

To avoid hate mail I must post this link by the amazing Blue Man Group. They make global warming far more interesting, don't you think?

~Bee is crunching granola as we speak

14 April 2008

Which Wall Do You Want The Deer Heads

Last night, I was thumbing through the latest issue of Style Magazine. I couldn't help but grimace at this life-sized, Barbie-esque living room.

I held the magazine out so Mr Coffee could see the pictures. I declared my disgust, "Yikes! Take a look at this. Wouldn't you want to kill yourself in a room like that?"

Mr. Coffee glanced over, looking over the top of his book. Without missing a beat he replied in dead pan honesty, "No, but I'd kill everyone else."

~Bee is a thoughtful interior decorator


I'm listed at humor-blogs.com.
Finally, someone else thinks I'm funny.

09 April 2008

I Can't Feel My Legs

This pretty much sums it up today. PS. If you do it, do tell in comments, I'll swing by your blog.

The Caffeine Click Test - How Caffeinated Are You?
Created by OnePlusYou

Rob U Bank

I have just about had it. I want to go to the solace of my bedroom, hold the pillow to my face and scream until I am either a) hoarse b) completely sterile or, c) face-planted in a pillow filled with my own slobber.

I got another love letter from my bank saying I was overdrawn and as a part of their 5-star service, they will take my kidney in payment to get it current.

Second time this year. Why? Well, t could be:

a) It's a day of the week ending in "DAY".

b) The CEOs need to pay for gas for their SUVs.

b) Rob U Bank has decided to arbitrarily process any, some, or double my transactions dating back to 4 million BC.

c) Jimmy Hoffa's body was found.

d) Pooh Bear borrowed some leather pants and wants to go raving.

e) Rob U Bank attempts to PUNK'D their customers except it's for real.

f) I'm addicted to making bulleted lists.

g) All of the above.

If you picked g) All of the above, you are right. Being overdrawn can be for a number of reasons but has nothing to do with my literal balance. Do tell how I can have over $1200 bucks in my account and be overdrawn. Silly me...it's not mine, I only deposited it.

Regardless if transactions ever come out, say hotels? Airline? Rental Car? Online gambling, entrepreneurial ventures in Nigeria? Frivolous things like food and electric bills?! Just thinking of paying a bill? Rob U Bank will take a piece of that pie.

Minion tellers, even as we speak, sit in the back of the bank and concoct ways to fee my account to death. They have nothing better to do because hey, it's only the first of the month and no more than two employees are allowed in the teller bay at a time. Any more and the bank ceiling would split open, people would fall down dead, and lightning cracking the sky while it rained flying pigs.

Management doesn't expect the employees to actually use the 12 other bay windows, do they? You'd have a better chance seeing Al Gore driving his Hummer to a Green Peace Convention.

Hey, here is that charge from 9 years ago. Let's try and put it through and then charge a handling fee, yeah...yeah, yeah...

Please know that I am very responsible in my banking and balancing my checkbook. I use software thingies. I record everything, subtract, add, create charts and budgets. I've worked middle management in banks. I've balanced more check books than an OCD accountant. This is not brain surgery here, no siree. It is making Rob U Bank filthy, stinking rich.

When the OD notices arrive from Japan, I learn approximately two months after the fact I'm dinged with $8 for every day I'm overdrawn. Sunday too. Apparently, even the devil himself works on Sunday.

All this to thank me for the 11 years of banking with them. Gee, thanks, Rob U Bank! You're the best. I think I'll come in today and trade you my new explosive, strap-on vest for my money back. On second thought, maybe not. I will probably have to pay $5 to speak to a live warm body...oh, forget it.

~Bee is a new credit union member

03 April 2008

Cure of the Fight Against the Ride

Sometimes I laugh at myself.

In fact, I do it regularly. The way my brain processes ideas baffles even myself. Today may be one of those days when you wonder if I even have a brain, let alone possess any logical thought or ideas. Oh, don't let my side bar fool you, my friend is cycling to help fight against MS, to help FIND a cure for MS. I swear I wrote that sentence five times before it came out without a double negative.

~typing furiously~

Fighting the cure.....

~stop typing~

um, duh...hello.

~rolling eyes and continue typing~

Fighting a cure against MS.....

~dead stop~

BEE IS. brain. dead....

~resist urge to bang head on keyboard, resume typing~

Cycling against the fight......



See what I mean? Intelligence is not home, but the thoughts are here, leave a message! BEEEEP.

My problem is, I don't think in order.

1)step one
2)step two
3)step three

That would be far too normal.

I usually process an idea that starts as a simple synaptic firing in my brain. This infant brain child is then put into a 1970 lime green AMC Gremlin with faux brown, side paneling and driven on a scenic route through my spleen and liver before it makes it's grand appearance completely out of gas.

Reason opens the intelligence door like a good parent and your Brain Child is out of it's car seat and digging for cheerios wedged in the back completely unaware that it's supposed to look and act like an IQ over 50. After the Brain Child is attacked by enough white blood cells to knock out any semblance of logic or reason, it's then primed for paper by speech. It's pulled and tugged from the maze of the mind, but not before trolling through my sinus cavity, emerging with a brand new dragon tattoo and multiple piercings.

This thought has now gone postal on me and it hasn't even left the building.

It is only then that I can express my thought in such an adroit manner, thanks to a steady diet of Chris Farley movies, Wikipedia editing, black coffee, and by golly, nurturing all that I retained when I was home schooled. I hit publish convincing all those around me that I am indeed a complete idiot who is also a pro at ending her sentences in prepositions and splits regularly, her infinitives. But hey, I have a cool dragon tattoo and an even more random blog post.

I assure you I am no idiot, just a Thinker who can't help but enjoy the scenic view of her liver.

~Bee is diagramming that sentence after she eats shoots and leaves