06 November 2007

I Did Not Order Car Covers, Did I?

Do you wake some mornings and find the whole day you are wondering if you missed the memo?

Attention Humanity:
It's going to be a weird day.
Please make a note of it.

It started with waking up with enough energy to power my own coffee pot. I get the kids ready in record time and we head out the door. I see this as I am driving them over to school.

I'd like a license plate like that. Something silly and fun like LD FOOT or RD HOG, or even sillier like SMILE or CUTTHECHZ. I'd like one that says YR RTRDED, or even COLOSTOMY BAG, which I think might be a little long but could work well on a European license plate.

This license would put the person driving behind you in a good mood, if they could sufficiently read, and had your same warped sense of humor..and you weren't road raging around them or giving them the International Sign of Friendliness from cutting you off in traffic.

NO, You're No. 1!!!!! You're No. 1!!!!!

More fun today was when I drop off the kids at school and bolted to the nearest Starbucks drive thru. I've been waiting for my Starbucks' intercom to have one of those little camera's installed next to the intercom so I can make faces in it until I hear them laugh.

Some drive-thrus do have cameras right next to the intercom. It's tiny and you wouldn't notice it unless you were looking for it. The local Krispy Kreme people have it, not just the Starbucks. I look for them at Starbucks to know whether or not I can make faces. Otherwise, I'll be drinking loads of spit.

Apparently employees witness all sorts of fun on the camera. Overtly gratuitous groping, plucking eyebrows, picking noses, reaching back and beating the kids from the driver's seat..you know? The kind of stuff people only do from the comfort of their computer keyboard.

It was even more fun this afternoon when I got my mail order package today. I couldn't help but laugh. Now just so you understand, I purchased two garments last week. When I am looking for a particular item of women's undergarment clothing I have to order it because the stores don't carry my size. It's a fact of life for me because I've been afflicted with a common female hereditary gene called Topheavyitis Maximus.

All requests for pictures will be forwarded to Hitman Bob Mr. Coffee to address personally.

This below is what I get in the mail. I liked that, since I ordered two, they sent them each in their own box. They get an A+ for saving the environment.

You can see part of my china cabinet in the picture. That has nothing to do with anything.

Soooooo, if the boy knew what was inside, he would be no where near these homeless condos.


Anonymous said...

oh my....i'm first

Anonymous said...

my license plate says


Anonymous said...


Anonymous said...

I had a roommate way back when with a really sweet Cutlas. His plate---STOLEN.

That was cool.

Anonymous said...

"If Ethan knew what was inside of these babies, he would be nowhere near these recycled homeless shelters."

Ya think? Most men spend the bulk of their lives trying to get close to them again.

I used to have one that said, "A-OTAY" (from the era of Eddie Murphy's stint on SNL). During our recent car trip, there were numerous times when Turtle and I exchanged accusing glances, as we caught a whiff of certain cars' sulphur-smelling exhaust fumes. Now I want a plate that says, "I FRTED".

Anonymous said...


I dropped a letter. I think.

That is hilarious. TWO BOXES? What the heck?

How about GNE MAD

Anonymous said...

There is one garment in each of those boxes? Just how big are your bosoms, woman? (F here)

Anonymous said...

You said "Starbucks." Now I want buttermilk coffee cake.

Anonymous said...

I feel better about being a D now. Thanks!

Anonymous said...

Holy crap!

I'm speechless!!! That never happens.

Anonymous said...

You ain't a kidding those are huge boxes. It's amazing you're able to walk upright.

Anonymous said...

Love the license plate. I want one that says itybty. I laughed out loud over the boxes for your "special" undergarments. Those are huge boxes for such a delicate item.

Anonymous said...

Ring-a-ding-ding. I am calling you....when are we going to see Dr. Rey of Dr. 90210?? My undergarments come from overseas and are on BACK ORDER!!! OMG!! Help me!! Call Oprah!

I am glad you had a good day. It always puts a smile on my face to leave on time much less early! I would be laughing hysterically.

Anonymous said...

I feel you on the top heavy part! If my DD's were fake...I might like them...but gravity has not been kind to these real babies!

However....as a testament to my Le Mystere bra...someone asked me if they were fake the other day! I thought about kissing her full on the mouth...but I feared that might be inapropriate!

So glad you stopped by my site...I can tell you and I have the same infantile humor.....LOVE THAT! :)

Anonymous said...

I'm an H, and I have just one thing to say to you--Nordstroms! That's where I get mine, and they make my heaving bosoms look fabulous! (Not that they don't already, but you know what I'm saying.)

My license plate would say BCK OFF. I hate being tailgated.

Anonymous said...

Avery---H????!!!! I hope you are kidding. Are you guys kidding?


Anonymous said...

So we only got to see the boxes! I can't even imagine. I always needed padding in that garment..LOL

Anonymous said...

My boobs beat yours.

Even when I'm not pregnant or nursing.

Where did you order yours from?

This is my crack:


And yes, when we went to Europe, we scheduled London just for the shopping of that store. We came home, I got preggers and outgrew it all the say day the stick turned out those two lines.

Anonymous said...

Now you have better hair than I do and your so special that your undergarments get their own boxes?

What is up with that?

Anonymous said...

hahahahahaha. I especially loved the pictures.

Anonymous said...

My girl says that you have the "walace and gromit" music. Can you guess what song that is?

Anonymous said...

Am I the only one fascinated by what is in your china cabinet? My, what beautiful china you have! :-)

Well, okay, I'll admit to wanting to also see what is in the boxes. ;-)

Anonymous said...

Come get your award, dearie!

Anonymous said...

Whoooooooaaaaa! Those boxes have your chesticle gear in them? Color me impressed as hell. I want hooters like that!!!! My bra would fit in an earring box.

I love makin faces into the cameras at the drive thru. I didn't know anybody else did it. That's so friggin cool!

Anonymous said...

Oooo can I call dibs on the cutthecheez plate ?

Anonymous said...

OMG, that is hilarious! LOL

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"One ought, every day at least, to hear a little song, read a good poem, see a fine picture, and if it were possible, to speak a few reasonable words."

~Johann Wolfgang von Goethe