13 September 2006

short snorts

Being a novice writer, I have to share these oh-most-hilarious funny short stories.

JLR over at Impatient Chicken posted on this and I wanted to share some of my favorites from the Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest ~ 2006 Results. They are WORTH the read.

"Detective Bart Lasiter was in his office studying the light from his one small window falling on his super burrito when the door swung open to reveal a woman whose body said you've had your last burrito for a while, whose face said angels did exist, and whose eyes said she could make you dig your own grave and lick the shovel clean."
Jim Guigli
Carmichael, CA

"It was a dreary Monday in September when Constable Lightspeed came across the rotting corpse that resembled one of those zombies from Michael Jackson's "Thriller," except that it was lying down and not performing the electric slide."
Derek Fisher
Ottawa, ON

"Despite the vast differences it their ages, ethnicity, and religious upbringing, the sexual chemistry between Roberto and Heather was the most amazing he had ever experienced; and for the entirety of the Labor Day weekend they had sex like monkeys on espresso, not those monkeys in the zoo that fling their feces at you, but more like the monkeys in the wild that have those giant red butts, and access to an espresso machine."
Dennis Barry
Dothan, AL

"I know what you're thinking, punk," hissed Wordy Harry to his new editor, "you're thinking, 'Did he use six superfluous adjectives or only five?' - and to tell the truth, I forgot myself in all this excitement; but being as this is English, the most powerful language in the world, whose subtle nuances will blow your head clean off, you've got to ask yourself one question: 'Do I feel loquacious?' - well do you, punk?"
Stuart Vasepuru
Edinburgh, Scotland

More on past winners of the contest.


Leslee said...

OMG! I almost peed my pants! I loved the monkeys on espresso!!!

McBunni said...

LOL the monkey one rocks. However, I did get a mental picture and it was disturbing. ;)

Gwynne said...

Those are great...yes, I too laughed out loud at the monkeys on espresso. :-)

Jeremiah said...

I've seen a monkey on espresso and it was not a pretty thing. I'm still trying to find the pantone color that corresponds to the glow of its butt. I think, praytell, that we might have found a new Adult crayon color: Monkey Coffee Butt.

Okay, you're right. It is my bedtime.

Granny said...

"It was a dark and stormy night."

Love that contest.

2much411 said...

sorry emmers, this has nothing to do with your post but i sent you an email re: vox to your yahoo account. I can't sign in. Can you pls help me? I'm on yahoo messenger if you are. thanks darlin.

Badoozie said...

oh, i could so win that...i'm so winning that.

they are copying jack handey on the tactic where they say, like a "such and such", only without that "such and such". that is so JACK HANDEY. i do that all the time, so not only are they copying jack handey but they are copying me too. so i'm gonna win this.

Aunt Jo said...

Great. How do you clean coffe off a lcd screen at work without getting caught blogging??

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"One ought, every day at least, to hear a little song, read a good poem, see a fine picture, and if it were possible, to speak a few reasonable words."

~Johann Wolfgang von Goethe