16 June 2008

I'm An Idiot Magnet

This weekend was a good one. Mr Coffee came home for the weekend from working on a job two hours north of us. It was so good to have him home.

Father's Day was relaxing and we got to spoil him. I got him some cologne and chocolate and the kids had numerous 'presents' that included a school project that looks suspiciously like an [ash]tray made of clay. We don't smoke so this will become a ring holder. I can't help but wonder what the art teacher is attempting to accomplish by encouraging fatherly smoking? I'm going to suggest to the school district that next time they can have the kids make a few wooden shivs or perhaps soda bottle bongs are in order.

You can't have enough soda bottle bongs, I always say. Ashtrays are so last year and comparatively? It's the gift that keeps on giving. Talk about a great conversation piece.

As for the cologne, Diesel for men = encourages optimum bonkability. Yummmmmm.

Having taken the kids to the mall on Saturday, the Bee Clan arrived home very hot and tired. I took the kids over to the pool while Mr Coffee ordered takeout Chinese. The only trouble was when he left to pick it up, I had left my keys in the apartment. We were locked out for about 10 minutes, sitting on the apartment stairs. And wouldn't you know it? My idiot magnet kicked in.

I have a knack for drawing idiots to my person, including but not limited to: driving, apartment dwellers, people behind me in line, carpooling roadragers ~strike~ ehm, parents, and a few trolls at my old blog.

Mr Coffee showed up and gave my daughter the keys. As she brought them to me from the parking lot, my neighbor made an appearance from her door adjacent to ours.

Bear in mind, I have never spoken to her. She ignores me and keeps to herself. She'll smile big for Mr Coffee. Mmkay, like that's gonna happen. But he is hot so really, can I blame her for trying?

Neighbor lady only gets her two kids every two weeks. I won't assume why a judge would take away a mother's children to only allow visitation on a weekend every two weeks. I have it on good authority you would have to be a very bad mom. I do know from our little conversation that she is extremely volatile and rude. Maybe she hates white people? Maybe she hates kids? Maybe I'm just an idiot magnet? Who knows....

She looks at me and immediately complains loudly, "Can you keep YOUR KIDS from playing HERE! It's so loud, it sounds like they are yelling right in my living room!"

I stare at her blankly, quite surprised. No one was yelling. We were sitting and talking. Not once does she ask if we are locked out, or why we are there..or stopping to attempt civility, let alone neighborly conduct.

"Well, we are locked out...."

She immediately interrupts, "I've never complained even though I hear them CHARGING UP AND DOWN these stairs and playing here all the time...they can't play here making SO MUCH NOISE.."

By now, I'm getting a little pissed, "You can't expect my children to be silent coming and going OUTSIDE. This foyer area is pretty echoey.."

She interrupted again and threw her hands up in the air. She rolled her eyes for added dramatic effect, "GOD! THAT is exactly what you told the lady downstairs. You ARE NOT RESPECTFUL!" She slammed the door in my face.

Because getting irate in front of my kids, whining on assumption, and slamming a door in a neighbors face is the epitome of respect.

I wanted to tell her to mind her own business and respect goes two ways. If perhaps she was listening in to the conversation my neighbor and I had at my door two weeks ago, maybe this is the reason she hears everything. Someone knocks at my door, she is opening hers and peeking out. Mr Coffee comes home and knocks on the door, she peeks out. I go to get my paper and she is peeking out.

The apartment manager's daughters have informed my daughter that apparently Neighbor Lady has been angry with me for parking in 'her parking space' in the unassigned spaces. How does that work? You can learn a lot from your daughter's best friends.

Neighbor Lady got so angry with the manager who reminded Neighbor Lady of the open parking being just that. Neighbor lady, in turn, started parking in the apartment manager's space. See? The model of respectful behavior only halted by a tow truck.

As it goes, I was unloading groceries from my van this morning and she came out of her apartment. I said nothing to her as she hurried down the steps. (If you can't say something nice, scissor kick their head?) I wanted to say a LOT of things, but I refrained.

On my way back down the stairs for another load of groceries, I caught her surveying her car. Someone during the night had left a very large dent and scratch all the way down through the paint finish on the side of her brand new car. She just got her plates and tags a month ago.

As for me? I will pray for her so as to keep me from stuffing her in one of the recycling bins. I don't believe in karma, although this morning it makes me wonder if the saying is true, "What goes around, comes around."


... Paige said...

That is sad. Yes the best thing you can do is pray for her. We all should pray more for our enemy, or at least for the folks that treat us as such.

Kimberly Vanderhorst said...

I often wonder how some people live with the constant sloshing of their wee bit of grey matter slorking against the insides of their cranium.

Sad. Disturbing. Enraging. Call it watcha will.

Jodi said...

Sounds like Neighbor Lady could benefit from a couple soda bottle bongs, just sayin'.

Ed (zoesdad) said...

Bitter people make me---bitter!

Gen said...

If not karma how about reaping and sowing?

Diesel for men, eh? Hmmmm. Making a note of it. Bonkability is a very good thing.

holly said...

well i don't know what's truly better - that ashtray for non-smokers or the thing my daughter got my husband, which is a teeny tiny trophy which is actually a little holder for something thumb-shaped. what? what kind of meeting did they have that produced this as a gift?

and it cost *me* £2!!!

oh geeeeeez you see this is why i hate community living. always always always with the people who have no clue they are complete morons. why can't we just tell them?

brooke said...

"Optimum bonkability" = the best phrase I've ever read. I am pretty sure that Acqua Di Gio is the one that would ensure that, as soon as I get married.
That said, your neighbor is crazy.

Anonymous said...


I can't remember the mean thing I said but I do apologize.

Having trouble with a sweet thang I see.

I once killed a neighbor of mine and made it look like self defense. I just kept doing things to bug him until he attacked me and I popped him in the trachea. No more problem neighbor. Sweet thangs are pretty strong so best to practice the trachea punch.

Glad you took care of Mr. Coffee on Father's Day.

Oh Juneteenth is on the 19th.

Millie said...

Ah, apartment life. We dealt with the "don't park in my unassigned space" thing just last month. I love the sense of entitlement these people have (I say "these people" like I don't live here with them).

What would have really, really chewed me up is the fact that these two neighbors were discussing me and my lack of respect when confronted about my loud kids. I hate being discussed, even if by twits.

Here's hoping we can all find a house to rent soon.

Jaina said...

What a jerk. I think you handled yourself quite well. And Karma certainly seems to have gotten her back. Is it bad that I'm secretly laughing at her misfortune? Does that make me a horrible person?

Anonymous said...

People baffle me sometimes...

...and I must say, I laugh every time I read about you scissor kicking someone. I'd adopt the phrase myself, but nobody would get it...hee hee

Doozie said...

a little bit of vaseline on the steps never hurts, or on her door handles. Does she have long nails?

Jo Beaufoix said...

Oh I don't like her. Maybe Holl needs to send the butt kickers in. And karma is good.

Anonymous said...

We had a neighbor like this when we were stationed in Texas. We lived in the complex for four years....we were to be transferred in two months....somehow this 'idiot' got the apartment managers to 'evict' us and we had to find another apt. for two months until the Army moved us to our next duty station. People like this are more than annoying. I trust that you will keep her in line ;)

Anonymous said...

I agree about that crabass. I totally agree with the idea of kharma, too. She probably only has her kids 2 days because she can't stand them; poor kids.

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