closet foodie

I posted this last year. I have been busy, but my readers deserve the best, even if it's recycled.


I hate to admit it. It's a little embarrassing. I have got to fess up.

I am a closet foodie.

Not any ordinary food. It's weird food. Weird, gross and unhealthy food. The food you love to eat in the solitude of your own kitchen, never in public. You know, the food that you wouldn't offer at one of your dinner parties? It's the junk you would never in a thousand years admit to liking, let alone be seen buying it.

You know full well what I am talking about.

I have this odd habit of hiding food in my cart when I go to the grocery. Spam at the bottom, veggies in the seat in full view. Unless it's Wild Oats, there you show off everything you buy. Just being there says 'healthy woman here who WILL fight you for the last box of organic prunes'.

Habitually, I go to a grocery store, pick out what I want and unassumingly place it in the cart. In rare cases, I hope no one notices by quickly putting the Special K cereal box on top of it. This is the real reason I buy Special K. It has nothing to do with a healthier choice or losing weight or even their 22 vitamins and minerals I will get by consuming large quantities of their wonder breakfast. Special K boxes can hide half a cart! For instance, these are some of the foods you will never get me to admit that I sometimes eat. You will never see me buy these either, because I don't (as far as you know):

1) SPAM
Anything that comes out of its packaging that is still in it's original square form of mystery meat is usually not a good sign. It's the dog food smell with the large layer of gelatinous goo on top that makes this taste as good as it really is. Pan heated is best. Good to the last extra lb that will appear on your "six-pack soon to be one-pack" the next day.

2) CHEESE WHIZ
Is it cheese or is it something else? Come on people, government cheese. Squirted out of a can. WD-40 comes this way too, but you won't see me eating that with summer sausage and Ritz crackers. If good milk comes from happy cows, then does Cheese Whiz comes from freaked out cows? Just checking.

3) CHEETOS
Cheeto powder, when wet, turns into dog poo: sticky and it ends up everywhere. You cannot, aside from sandblasting and long soaks in lye, successfully remove this bright orange residue from your fingers or fingernails. Day old Cheetos are worse in the stain department but taste far better because they are chewy. hmmm, chewy.

4) TWINKIES (or ZINGERS)
If I actually find the Hostess warehouse that has been holding these babies since the Great Depression I might just uncover the Ark of the Covenant, too. Twinkies being made today, well, their shelf life is approximately 2715 AD. Look on the bright side, maybe I will live long with all the preservatives.

5) SANDWICH SPREAD
A delectable mixture of every condiment in one little bottle. I do know it's part pickle, part mayo and possibly part Soylent Green.

6) CHOCOLATE COVERED COFFEE BEANS
Raise your hand if you have recently brushed your teeth with dirt. Anyone? Anyone? We all know nothing says 'You look Hot!' more than coffee bean debris stuck in your pearly whites. Paris says, Coffee bean teeth? THAT'S HOT!

7) CANDY CORN
I hate these. They taste like lard cake icing and almost give me sugar coma. I eat them anyway, because it's Fall tradition. How weird is that?

Last but not least,

8) CHEESE CURDS
Living an couple hours away from the Tillamook Cheese factory is a blessed thing. I love getting free samples of cheese curds. They are so wonderfully creamy and tasty. But I'll admit, just saying the word 'curd' can make you lose your appetite. Besides, curds look like something you would find in an airplane sick bag. Don't look. Just eat.

So now you have to put back your Special K box for the world to see.

What do you eat and are embarrassed to admit?